bhmomma: My post (#78) was not meant in response to your post above it. I thought yours was lovely (I “liked” it.) I actually thought “What a great place to work.” And still think so.
I meant to post that it sounds like my daughter needs to rethink how she wants to handle coworkers and their spouses.
@ignatius gotcha! Sorry I misunderstood.
Reading replies with interest. I’m firmly in the camp of “it depends” and +1s should be considered on a couple by couple basis. Limiting invitees to spouses and those engaged seems to trivialize 20 and 30 somethings who are in long-term committed relationships. What fun would that person have potentially taking time off work, traveling, staying in a hotel, attending a party (the reception) without their SO? While the bride and groom should have the wedding the want, they should be prepared for a bunch of “sorry won’t be theres” if they limit +1s in that way.
Though not planning a wedding, I’m frequently surprised by the responses in these threads that lean towards " it’s all the bride and grooms decision." There sometimes seems to be little thought for the comfort, convenience, and happiness of the guests- many of whom are investing significant time and resources to be part of this big day.
I’m guessing the boyfriend doesn’t care that he wasn’t invited.
Ignatius, I hope your daughter sticks with her plan, though it is highly unusual. If there is no travel involved and space is limited (and there will be a group of guests who know each other well), I think it should be okay to invite just one spouse. A married couple is generally treated as a social unit, but maybe it is time to change that convention in just this kind of situation.
Or just forget the work colleagues. I’ve been to tons of weddings and it is often the work colleagues who are making snarky comments under their breath and who do not seem to be there with love in their hearts.
Rude on the niece’s part, to have some cousins plus one and some not. Other than that, she should do what she likes
I’d challenge anyone to throw someone out of a wedding, unless it’s something like a kids-free wedding and someone comes in with a troupe of toddlers.
I understand chairs and everything, but I’ve not been to a big wedding where there was 100% attendance of those who RSVP’d yes.
I also think it would be completely acceptable to send a gift and bow out of it. I was dating someone and was not given a “plus one” invitation and was paired (at 18) with the uncle (way over 18) of my future sister-in-law. I have never ever felt so awkward, this guy was the stereotype of every nerdy moist palmed Love Boat reject and I had to dance with him! And he tried to chat with me!
So when anyone accepts a single wedding invitation, be aware that there may be “pairing” going on, and you might not like who you are paired with. Whether you have a SO or not.
No wonder people go crazy planning weddings and trying not only to keep themselves happy but both sides of the family and friends over spans of decades!
It’s one wedding, one night, one CELEBRATORY time for the couple and their immediate families - if you are invited to be witness or part of it, accept the invitation or don’t - but realize the limitations, decisions, if’s and’s and but’s a couple is pummeled with in the planning of a wedding.
Speaking for myself and posts I have already posted on the thread, but I also think I am speaking for several others on a similar vein to me…the plus-1s were not limited to just spouses and those engaged, but ALSO those who were living together in long term relationships. But not every guest to the wedding is being offered a “plus-1” simply because they may be dating. Since most of my D’s wedding guests are in their 20s and 30s, that would mean doubling the invite list which is cost prohibitive.
nottelling: Re post 84.
Thanks. Space is limited and travel is not involved. Since the women know each other, no one will be a lonely only. The group rarely socializes away from school, but when they do - going to a restaurant before Christmas or at the end of the school year - no significant others are invited. Any other socializing includes baby showers or at school birthday cakes - so again coworkers only. Thus my daughter’s reasoning for keeping it simple enough to include all.
I went to a wedding Saturday where 70 people – let that sink in – showed up who hadn’t RSVP’d, and I bet a bunch of them weren’t even invited (they were friends/relatives of those who were). This was a sit-down dinner. It took forever to be served, and when dh was they’d run out of the option he’d asked for and was served something clearly thrown together by the kitchen.
Regardless, we had a great time and reinforced the idea that I want my boys to elope.
A-freaking-men, @abasket ! I wish I could like your post multiple times.
My son-in-law had that group of friends who didn’t RSVP. He took it on himself to call, email, text to get the needed head count.
^^^Same here–only people who didn’t RSVP were single, male friends of my son-in-law. He called each one to get a RSVP.
We had a max number for the wedding based on what the reception venue could handle; H and I let the kids decide which of their friends could invite a guest. Dont know how they decided, but I didnt hear any complaints. H and I have small families-1 niece and 4 nephews and all married, except my nephew. He is gay and had a partner at the time who choose not to come to the wedding. Probably didnt want to meet my crazy family–who are like the Croatian version of the Greeks in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
YDS, 70??? omg… how big was the wedding?
Not to point fingers here, but…did not anyone think that maybe a few calls would be in order to firm up head count?
7 no rsvp’s I could maybe understand…but 70??? With that many, I would have thought the invitations must have gotten lost in the mail…
Amen.
And the corollary is that if you have restrictions (no +1, no children, destination wedding, etc.) some people might not choose/be able to come. This is okay and rarely a personal choice not to support you and your marriage.
One cousin of mine made a big point of not wanting any children at her wedding: totally understandable and I wasn’t offended in the least. It did mean I decided not to attend as it was out of town and I wasn’t comfortable leaving my kids with strangers. I wished her well from a far.
Two years later and at another cousin’s wedding I was seated with cousin #1 and her toddler at the table which was clearly the cousin’s with small children in tow table. Cousin #1 proceeded to spend the entire reception complaining about how almost all the cousins turned up for cousin 2’s wedding when only a few came to her wedding. I just bit my tongue.
I would say that with the extras there were maybe 220-230. I’m telling you, I’m pretty sure that the extras were NEVER invited and just didn’t not RSVP. I think people thought, This seems like a neat party. I think I’ll invite my friend and her dh to come, too.
My mother did it. She RSVP’d for six, including her and my dad, my brother and his wife, and my sister and her dh. But then she said “the bride said I could invite my sister and her bf.” If you say, so, but she didn’t RSVP for eight, she RSVP’d for six. At the last minute, my sister and her dh ended up not going, so her numbers actually added up, but that was dumb luck.
Because there were so many more people, the staff had to set up extra tables. I wasn’t about to rush to get a “good” table because I just didn’t care that much, so dh, my brother and I waited for one of the new tables to be set. We ended up being the only three at that table, which was fine with us. But after we ordered the steak selection – and I’m talking this was about 9:15, well after the announced 7:30 dinner time – in walks this woman and man, guided by some older woman. They proceed to sit at our table, and the old woman moved from her place to sit with them. They were very nice, but they CLEARLY WERE NOT INVITED by the wedding couple!!! And then, because my brother and dh had left to attend to a cousin, when they brought their meals they were given to me and the late-arriving couple! My dh eventually got a totally different meal (not on the selection menu) I’m sure because the kitchen was trying its hardest to just come up with sustenance.
People are so rude. I hope the couple realizes that rational people like me don’t blame them.
Oh, and I am with the majority that the couple gets to invite who they want and set whatever guidelines they want and I wouldn’t be too bent out of shape that my 19yo’s bf didn’t get invited.
@mom23travelers Oh I totally would have said why! Not ugly, but, really, she should be clued into why that was the case.
At 19? Not necessary. Most weddings are unique times for families to spend together they wouldn’t otherwise. I would never expect a plus 1 in this situation.
Youdon’tsay – That is such a crazy story! I’ve never heard anything like that. It is so far beyond my experience that I just have to ask where you live, or where you are from. Is this a cultural thing? It is fascinating.
I was a guest at a former colleague’s wedding a few years ago in which I was invited solo, no invitation for DH. Actually it was a second marriage for both the bride and groom, afternoon ceremony and reception at a wedding venue on the water. There were four of us invited solo as colleagues of the bride. Another woman and I are married, one woman is widowed and the other divorced so in the bride’s planning, we made up 2 couples and it worked out fine. We had a nice time for ourselves, were happy for our friend and DH was not extremely disappointed to not be included.
We limited children at our wedding years ago to just our niece and nephews. In retrospect I see how hard it was for my cousins to have to make arrangements for their children but that was what we had decided. When it was bar/bat mitzvah season, we(without our daughters) were invited to a close friend’s son’s bar mitzvah, synagogue service and afternoon luncheon/party. Our families had spent vacation time together as we both rented condos in the same resort every year and frequently overlapped. So it was a hassle for me to make full-day plans for younger d and because it was fairly long drive, by the time they served the meal we had to leave to pick up younger d by 5 PM at her friend’s house. There was a Kiddush at the temple then a drive to the venue, then a cocktail hour then the luncheon. Beyond that other invited families brought their uninvited kids and my friend called me mortified and apologetic the next day because she was sure that I thought my girls were specifically excluded and others were included. Plus she had to get extra seatings and place settings at grown-up tables because some of these kids were too young to be included in the teen tables.
Coincidentally that same young bar mitzvah man is getting married next month and is very long distance. It is in South America where his fiancé is originally from. It all looks lovely however a trip to South America is not something I can just easily do. Challenging for me to take time from my busiest time of the year at the office, plus I am sure the airfare and hotel will be expensive, not that I really looked into it. My friend seems very disappointed as apparently many others are making a weekend trip to South America as sort of a long weekend getaway.