When we got married, we invited co-workers and their spouses/SO’s. Few of the spouse-husbands actually came, but the spouse-wives did. It was annoying because the female co-workers had indicated 2 on their RSVPs, but then the H’s were no-shows. Of course, we had to pay for the no-shows.
My brother had a weird situation recently when he and his family traveled to New Hampshire for his wife’s niece’s wedding. His youngest child is a junior in high school, so none are babies, but they weren’t included in any of the pre-wedding activities. In my family, we always included relatives who traveled to the wedding in all pre-wedding activities (rehearsal dinnner, etc). My brother said it was awkward once they arrived, and they really only saw anyone at the wedding/reception.
Usually, our wedding are big affairs with dancing. While I have NO problem dancing with anyone who asks or dancing alone (Cupid Shuffle, anyone?), I think it would be odd to expect people who are married to dance with others. And you would be expecting that if you invite someone to a dance without a partner, right?
Again, it wouldn’t keep me from attending, but I definitely know people who wouldn’t go if their spouse wasn’t invited as well.
Pre wedding activities…are also at the discretion of the family. They range from inviting only the wedding party and immediate family…to inviting every single out of town guest.
It would never in a million zillion years occur to me to find it odd for married people to dance with people who are not their spouses. It would never occur to me. It would seem very odd to me if someone were to insist that they could dance ONLY with his/her own spouse.
The cultural differences are so interesting. Youdon’tsay, I would love to know what your cultural background is (if you are comfortable saying). It really is interesting to learn about other cultures’ traditions and expectations.
Re: dancing with someone not your spouse at a wedding, when I’m in a good conversation my H excuses himself and goes in search of any unattended woman that he may know who is not dancing. At our last wedding, he asked someone to dance whose husband had died a few months before, and some one whose H couldn’t make it for work reasons. Sometimes just getting them out on the floor is enough since often people who are group dancing just pull the people in. I think it’s a wonderful thing, and he just plain enjoys it when everyone has a good time.
I have danced with friends and loved ones at weddings and other gatherings. H isn’t so fond of dancing, so we generally only do one or two romantic songs and then chat, visit or dance, as the whim moves us.
Some people have no etiquette (many on H’s side of family did not return stamped RSVP) - thankfully we could handle more and did not need exact count. One of the worst offenders were aunt/uncle/cousins who also brought along oldest cousin’s BF; aunt/uncle no kidding gave a card and $20 (and it wasn’t because they were poor, just cheap). A cousin bragged to me that the gift we got from them was ‘free’ to them with bonus points somewhere.
MIL/FIL have continued with lack of etiquette. They were invited to parents’ business C-mas party; they brought along their graduate student son and son’s graduate school friend (neither were expected) who MIL wanted to set up with my sister (who brought a date). Glad I wasn’t there.
Situations like the ones in this thread are why there are etiquette books (and websites). When planning my wedding, my Miss Manners guide was never out of reach and it was well thumbed by the time the day arrived; I did not want to risk looking like a barbarian and offending people. It really helped to make me feel a lot more secure and relaxed about all our decisions (ie, you always invite both spouses, whether both actually attend doesn’t matter but both MUST be invited).
Why do so many people fail to use the resources which are readily available?
I adore Miss Manners, but her view on whether both spouses MUST be invited or not is just one person’s opinion, albeit opinion informed by tradition and past practices. Everyone is free to make their own decisions about how to behave, and sometimes social change is good.
Ignatius’s daughter is certainly free to disagree with Miss Manners, and she (the bride) certainly knows more about her personal circumstances and those of the colleagues than Miss Manners knows.
It would never occur to me not to invite a couple. Even when we have dinner parties or whatever, inviting a person is really an invitation for both him/her and SO. It just goes unsaid. (Obviously with weddings it’s different as you need to RSVP with a specific number).
I don’t think I’d go to something without Mr R unless it’s a group that I know very well. I’m just painfully shy and wouldn’t have a good time by myself. I can’t force myself to talk to people I don’t know and I’d sit awkwardly in a corner somewhere.
I don’t turn to etiquette books and have zero interest in what Miss Manners has to say about anything. Maybe I’m tacky, but if I am, so be it. I don’t care. And the people that love me and are important to me don’t either.
I did many no-nos with my wedding. But you know what? People still tell me how much fun they had and many of my friends come to me for advice. Frankly, not giving a rat’s patootie about what other people thought about our wedding made everything so much easier. If anyone was going to be offended that I broke a manners rule, they probably fell out of my life a long time ago.
Gee, I didn’t mean to start such a discussion, though it’s been interesting. I have no idea what my daughter will choose to do. Her coworkers know each other well and never include spouses the few times they socialize. My daughter is having a mid-day wedding with reception immediately following the ceremony. She’s not going the traditional evening dance party route, so no worries on that angle. Certainly she doesn’t want to offend anyone. (My rule of thumb has always been to stop and think whether the slight is intentional. If it isn’t, then I move on.) Maybe she’ll jump this hurdle only to trip over the next one. Reading this thread it seems inevitable that someone gets offended. I like romanigypsyeyes take on how to do it.
Best of luck to your daughter, ignatius. The most helpful thing through the wedding planning was having Mr R and my parents backing my decisions.
Just to be clear, I would never go out of my way to slight people or anything like that. I did try to be accommodating when at all possible. Wide range of food for every possible dietary restriction, wide selection of drinks, plenty of seating so no one awkwardly had to sit with people they didn’t want to, etc.
Oh, and I just remembered- there WAS one person who was so offended by my wedding that she didn’t come. Mr R’s aunt. She didn’t consider it a wedding because god wasn’t involved. Fine by me.
That’ll be my last off-target post. Promise.
OP, I hope your daughter has a good time at the wedding!
You basically just described Miss Manner’s whole philosophy in your post, Romani, in saying that you tried to anticipate and accommodate others’ needs and graciously respond to them, without compromising your own principles.
That’s pretty much a synopsis of the whole of Miss Manner’s advice! So manners aren’t so bad after all!
You need to read more British novels. It would be considered very rude to only dance with one person! When we go to wedding dh dances mostly with me, but he also dances with any single women who look like they’d like to dance, though these days people tend to just dance in groups anyway.
Weddings in my extended family are often treated as impromptu family reunions. As a result, weddings often tend to be on the large side. Children are not only invited, but often encouraged to attend.
As for plus-1 criteria, it seems to be slightly looser as at one wedding, a 19 year old cousin in college was invited to bring her then BF and she introduced him to the rest of us. So long as one graduated HS one is considered an adult and one’s relationships is accorded the same level of respect as someone who was 21+.
As for inviting spouses or not, the only reason why that would be done from families I’ve known and whose weddings I attended as an invited guest is if the spouse in question has had a past history of conflicts with a family member of the soon-to-be married couple or he/she had a history of causing problems in past family events. In short, a means to forestall potential conflict which could prove disastrous on what was supposed to be a festive day.
We have had a couple of niece/nephew weddings the last few years, in one case only DH went, in the other case only I went. When DD was married, the nephew’s Mom came alone. We apparently are comfortable alone. For us, it is really expediency, in order to be gone we have complicated coverage needs and it is just not always worth it, in fact it is rarely worth it; I prefer to save the favors for a bigger need and go as a single.
Honestly the dancing we might do at a wedding is kind of group, unstructured, everybody gets out there. I could dance with a bunch of girls, guys, people I know, people I don’t. I’m not really dancing “with” one particular person.
Are you perhaps thinking of just slow/1:1 dancing, youdontsay?
Yes, an actual dance where you have a partner – slow dancing, a two-step, waltz, polka, etc.
Just learned last night that dh won’t be going to the CA wedding with me in June so I’ll be single and ready to mingle! And I’ll be out on the floor for the line dances and the Chicken Dance and any other dance that doesn’t require a partner. And any dance that requires a partner if I get asked!
Younger d tells me that sometimes now plus ones that are invited decline to go because of the travel costs. If you are in the wedding years you can have several weddings to attend within the space of a short time and the travel and hotel costs really add up. For upcoming wedding that she is in the bridal party she is not currently in a relationship and so no plus one for her. I asked about the hotel arrangements then and she is sharing a room with another in the bridal party, they are all longstanding friends. That young woman is in a long term relationship but her boyfriend barely knows the bride, only met the groom once and is choosing not to attend because of the costs. He is in grad school, this friend is in law school and everyone is perfectly fine with this arrangement and decisions.
In my wedding album back in the dark ages, there are long-gone spouses and then boyfriends and one guy who was a date of a friend that I worked with. Have no memory of his name but he appears to be having a great time.
