I have a friend , who is a nurse practitioner. Her elderly father (80 +) recently died. In the time between his mild heart attack and death ( a week +), she posted a couple of things online of him in very bad shape in his hospital room( they did think initially he would recover). Eyes closed , looking very ill with another sibling shaving him in the hospital, wife kissing him on the cheek(his eyes closed , tubes in his nose). His wife and other siblings did not post anything like that. This guy was a very proud , athletic guy- high school and college athlete, well known in the community. I can’t imagine he would have wanted any of that shown but maybe I’m off base. I’m pretty confident my own dad (gone over a decade) would have been mortified in having something like that posted . I went to the visitation and funeral this weekend but just noticed this online. I have no thoughts on saying a thing to my friend but I was truly surprised. I am just curious about others thoughts as I was a little taken aback by the pictures on Facebook.
I am of the old school–the less publicity and photos of when folks are not their best the better.
If I were to post anything, I’d probably post a favorite photo of bygone days and ask for good thoughts and prayers, but we are all different.
And that is exactly the kind of thing that everyone else did @HImom -posted pictures of happier times, a request to keep him in your thoughts . I know my friend has been in health care forever as a nurse and nurse practitioner. I think even with that and you see illness and death constantly, I would still think it’s a good idea to practice restraint with what you show and respect privacy.
I really can’t imagine many people who would want anyone to see them looking frail or ill–I certainly don’t want photos of me when I’m not looking my best (not a fan of photos even at the best of times).
I’m sure your friend did what she thought best, at the time. Sometimes people don’t think so rationally when their loved ones are gravely ill.
I agree. Having dealt with gravely ill parents and inlaws, you certainly aren’t always thinking straight. These pictures truly looked liked someone in a hospital that was at death’s door. Sad for such a vibrant, interesting man.
As someone who has been very open on facebook about my illness- I don’t think you should ever post anything without the consent of the person being discussed. If the person cannot give consent, then err on the side of undersharing. No pictures of people in tubes and unconscious. OTOH, I don’t think a simple post saying something like “Dad has suffered a XXX and is likely not going to recover. Will follow-up with more information later.” (in far more eloquent terms) is inappropriate. But no pictures. Absolutely no pictures.
I would not be happy if people took pictures of me in that condition. And if I saw that come up on my feed and it was someone’s dad, I’d dial them way back or put them in Facebook purgatory because it’s just really inappropriate, in my opinion.
She posted these pictures initially when her dad was still alive so I am giving her some slack. I do think they are creepy but clearly she did not and some of you also may not have thought so, which is why I was asking. And she probably still doesn’t think the pictures are odd since they are still up on her account. She may have been trying to show the care the family was still showing him, shaving him, kissing him. I admit though that I do not like to see people at death or near death, frail and I think most people probably don’t. And wouldn’t want that put out for themselves without permission. I spent time with my own mother and MIL at or near death, granddad, etc. and time with the body with both mom and MIL before hospice had them picked up. Sorry, I just don’t want to see pictures of anybody else I don’t have to, not related to me, at or near death.
As we all know there are plenty of private forums and private places on FB to post things that not everyone should see. I have had stage 4 colon cancer for many years and have chosen never to post anything about it on FB. I am a private person and would prefer that cancer not be the first thing people think of when they think of me. I have many, many cancer boards other places on the internet where I have a strong cancer support system and a large colon cancer community.
I think it’s awful. I’m surprised someone in her family hasn’t told her to remove them.
I don’t think this is another “blame social media” thing. This is someone who just simply is making a bad choice - I think overall a wide majority of people would see this as a “no-no”.
Uhhh no. I would be mortified if someone did that.
My 100 year old grandmother just passed away yesterday. I asked my mother if she wanted me to post something on FB. My mom did want me to share the news. I would have never posted anything without her permission. I did add photos of happier times.
Do I agree with the photos of being terminally ill online, no. However, maybe she’s not thinking straight and wants friends and family to reach out to her. Who knows what she’s really thinking. She is obviously not.
@sevmom are you close enough with her to say something?
I don’t object to saying "my dear grandmother died " or “please pray for my ill mother” - words fine, photos no!
Our kids grew up together, her parents were very present (and pleasant!). Her dad was a great guy, always smiling, positive despite a football injury. All of this will pass in a few days as her feeds advance. No sibling, grandchild, the mom, cousin,etc. seems to have retweeted or tagged either of these facebook photos. I don’t plan to say anything. Everyone really does deal with things differently. I just hope my H and kids never post a picture of me from the hospital without my permission.
One of my sisters would post things on FB or send messages about our mom’s medical condition without considering what mom wanted to share. That, in and of itself, was the worst thing. Telling people she had dementia, etc. Mom said we could say that she was well, but was having some memory issues.
IMO, doing more and without permission is a horrible invasion of privacy and makes it all about the poster and not the ill person.
I would never post hospital, hospice, nursing home-in-bed pics on FB. Never. Private.
My friend’s DIL had a stillborn baby almost a year ago. She is still posting “family photos” of herself, her husband, and the baby. It’s so sad.
My kids better not even mention my name on Facebook. I want no part of it, ever.
Some cultures share death pix. I guess they think everyone wants that feeling of being at the bedside during last moments or looking into the casket. It’s a very strange attempt at sharing the intimacy, I guess. But the rest of your friend’s family doesn’t seem part of this. I dunno.
When my dad was ill and in a care facility, we carefully chose which few pictures we put on facebook. I put a picture on there in which he looked pretty good and you couldn’t tell he was in a wheelchair or in an institutional setting, but that my mom pointed out the fire alarm in the background.
I have an appreciation for stillborn baby pictures. The sad and obvious thing about them is that there will never be any more pictures of that baby and so the parents are just left with the few that they have.