<p>I think this is so normal. I have my youngest, my third child, going off to college next month. I’ve been trying to back of a bit on the college conversations. When my first, my daughter, went, the summer before was tough. She melted down a few times. She was so excited to be going, but so scared. As much as they’re really happy they can’t help but be apprehensive about the changes that are about to come. Their lives will never be the same and they know that. They’ll miss their homes, their friends and even their parents. They will be out of their comfort zone.</p>
<p>Sounds like she is having some doubts about leaving home- are you sure she is ready? I think a lot of kids get a little homesick and maybe depressed after they move away from home. That first year is a huge adjustment period and has its ups and downs. Most kids don’t get upset before they have even left- at that point they are usually more excited. Not every kid is emotionally ready to leave home right after high school, even though they may be more than ready academically. </p>
<p>We are just sending my 4th off to college this year, and each one has been different. Our oldest D was very successful academically, but was absolutely not ready to move away after high school. She got anxious and stressed at even the mention of going away to college, and actually had all-out panic attacks when we went to look at colleges. She opted to go to our local CC for the first 2 years. When it was time to transfer, she had matured and was excited to move on. The other 3 were opposite- couldn’t wait to get out and move on! That first one would have been miserable and we did not push it. She went on to get her masters in a well recognized program and has a successful career. No employer has ever questioned her choice to attend a CC first- they only look at where she graduated from. </p>
<p>Have you tried to sit her down and ask what is bothering her about the thought of college? Find out if maybe she is having doubts about leaving. Make sure you let her know that she still has the option to attend locally if she chooses and most importantly, that you won’t be disappointed in her if she does so. Wait until she is calm and tell her you just want to discuss some options. Good luck!</p>
<p>My youngest is entering senior year of college and oldest has been out a few years now; I stick around CC b/c it’s so filled with wisdom. I can assure you that every single year this topic comes up at this time. The college bound kids (well many of them) seem to melt down and regress and get withdrawn and and and…almost like they are severing the last few chords as they prepare to head off. They are also scared and take it out on those closest to them b/c they can. It is completely normal. No fun at all for either party but still, normal. Hugs to all!</p>
<p>A friend of mine did research on this, and she found that kids, because they are essentially scared of the move from home and family, will act out to help them distance themselves from their loved ones.</p>
<p>This definitely happened with our older daughter, and we are in the process of dealing with it with the younger one.</p>
<p>Totally normal…the world as she has known it all her life is about to change, drastically. She’s leaving home, she’ll have to make new friends. It’s stressful. Stop talking about college other than to reassure her it will be okay, and let her relax during the last few official weeks of her childhood.</p>
<p>As my D (a rising college sophomore) said to me this morning “It’s scary!” And it is-- all new people, all new teachers, a whole new life that you have to manage on your own. And meanwhile your parents are hundreds of thousands of miles away. </p>
<p>Sakacar, has your D had other experiences with living away from home? Summer camp or a pre-college program? How did she handle those? </p>
<p>D was shaking in her boots all last summer, would not let me bring up the subject of college, etc. I really didn’t know what would happen-- she was/is very attached to me, and had a particularly happy community life that she hated to leave. And she was afraid of being on her own. She was holding back tears when I said goodbye to her. I promised to visit in 2 weeks and she marked it on her calendar so she could count off the days.</p>
<p>And that was the end of sadness and worry. She met some likeminded people the first day (although she had been a real wallflower through high school) and then made more friends, some of whom became really close friends. Her classes fascinated her and she loved her new freedom. By the end of the week she didn’t want me to visit so soon-- she had plans that weekend. Now, a year later, she’s looking forward to September with huge excitement. </p>
<p>They don’t know what’s coming, and that generates terrible worry. But once they’re in the midst of it, dealing with all the new things, finding new strengths in themselves, it is likely to be wonderful. So, help her with the uncertainty the best you can and in 6 weeks, things are likely to improve immensely.</p>
<p>Thanks for the reassurance! This is my first, and she’s probably the one who will suffer the most from leaving the nest. We’re a close family, and that can have its positives and negatives. I font think she really wants life to go on without her, even though she wants to leave. </p>
<p>She will be attending college far away (5 hour plane ride) but she grandparents a hall-hour away. She has “met” a lot of students on the school Facebook page and tumblr, and there is one student from this state also attending, although the two girls have only corresponded online.</p>
<p>She has dealt with being bi-coastal for three years, though, as her bio dad lives on the east coast (though not close - he’s in the South and she’s going to the Northeast).</p>
<p>So, she’s been away from home for extended periods, and she’s dealt with moving away from a place she’s familiar with. </p>
<p>She chose a small
school that seems very supportive, so that’s a plus. We think it’s a good fit. </p>
<p>It really seems like a push-pull - you’re not coming? You don’t have to visit. How often do I have to call? You mean you aren’t going to text every day to check up on me? </p>
<p>I also think she isn’t used to me backing off, although I really tried to back off gradually this year so she would make get own decisions about where she would really like to attend vs. where she thought we wanted her to go. I guess I held on too long.
extended</p>
<p>She’ll be fine! My daughter was so excited to go to college but a little terrified too. By the time her first summer came along she didn’t want to leave. We told her if she got a summer sublet and paid her own way we’d be fine with her staying. This is now her third summer in a sublet. She’ll be home for a couple weeks next month but since she left for college she has not been home for more than a couple weeks. It makes us sad but she would rather stay in Philly where many of her friends also stay for the summer and live her own life than be “home” in small town Calif. where she has no more friends and nothing to do other than entertain her parents.</p>
<p>If I recall correctly, my own D was teary eyed at certain points last summer while she was waiting for her departure. Many things had to be done without a lot of discussion (i.e. buying dorm stuff), and she did meet some folks from our area through facebook and in person meet ups too, beforehand. They had orientation when they arrived, and that kept them busy, and then classes started and school work kept her busy.</p>
<p>Although my D met some folks initially that seemed like they were keepers, they were not. However, she eventually met some friends that were more for the long haul, and I think she will be looking forward to being with them again this fall. </p>
<p>There are a lot of adjustments to leaving home, and even if it is not the smoothest (roommates, dorm friends etc.) they learn the skills necessary to find friends and succeed. Unless you really think your D is not ready, keep telling her that she is ready to go, and that you will be there for her to talk to when she needs you.</p>
<p>I’d approach this by asking myself what I’d want mom to do if I was the student.</p>
<p>I’d want an open, honest and one on one conversation. I’d want it to occur away from the family home and without any sibling or any step dad. I’d take comfort in hearing that my parent saw this as a change for the parent as well as for me and that my parent was aware of and open to working through the adjustments that this was going to make for everyone.</p>
<p>You can tell her that every single kid her age who is going away to college feels exactly the same way-- scared (maybe mixed with other emotions, too) and if they say they’re not scared, it’s very possible they’re not being honest or maybe are in denial. So that being said, everyone she meets at the beginning will be feeling the same and will be having the same roller coaster of emotions. She will find like-minded kids as soon as she gets there and they will share all of it. It’s very scary and very big, and she will likely be fine. Don’t minimize it, encourage her to share her feelings, and then reassure her that she’ll be able to do it. You’ll be able to tell if there’s an “uh-oh” at all involved.</p>
<p>I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, sakacar! She’s dealing with her feelings and that’s good. Better face your anxiety beforehand than have it blow up in your face once you’re there. I’m betting she’ll have a great year.</p>
<p>My D simply could not WAIT to get as far away from home as possible…UNTIL she was 3000 miles away!</p>
<p>Luckily for me, I have a very wise and trusted friend who has know her since she was 5 and suggested that perhaps I could find a way to budget for her to come home 2x a year for 2 weeks each time (winter and summer break) and that I could go to her neck of the woods (NYC) for a week each time, in spring and fall, to provide a consistent support (besides the countless phone calls and e-mails). </p>
<p>Once she realized that we would still be seeing one another somewhat regularly (I am, and have always been a single mom), and maturity added to the mix, the tears and fear started waning. But it was a process. And I believed her when she said she wanted to move far away. It has been 6 years since that started and she is no longer needing to see me as regularly (in fact the last time was a year ago), and she is maturing into a truly confident and happy where she is young woman.</p>
<p>Apparently parenting doesn’t end when they turn 18/graduate from HS.</p>
<p>Let your D know you’re not going anywhere. :)</p>
<p>In my D’s music career and college search, she has gotten to know some college faculty members to the point of real friendship and the sincerely expressed hope from them that no matter where she goes to college, they just want the best for her. </p>
<p>In that context, I have had heart to heart talks with some. And the subject did get around to adolescent rebellion, lack of communication, thoughtlessness, ungratefulness, the old line “I’m 18 I can do what I want”, etc., etc. Stereotypical teenager, yet no less aggravating when you are in the middle of it. </p>
<p>When I asked for advice from one of my D’s mentors, at a school where she was also applying, the college professor really started to commiserate. She said to me:</p>
<p>“It is separation anxiety. I see it every year with my graduating class. They don’t even realize it. They start to dislike you and want you to dislike them. As if it would make the separation easier. First time it happened, I was shocked. But I have seen it over and over again, year after year. She will get over it. It gets better.”</p>
<p>I said to this professor, who I suppose is probably 20 years younger than me:</p>
<p>“Oh _______, you are so much more evolved than I am.”</p>
<p>D2 had a meltdown last week over… shirts. She claims she does not have a sufficient supply of “cute” shirts for college in the fall. (Never mind that there were AT LEAST 20 shirts on the floor of her room during this conversation). I told her I would buy her a few new shirts, but not a full wardrobe. Meltdown ensued, with tearful texts to her older sister about how mean her mom is. I think she is freaked about about going from the midwest to California and making sure she is “hip” enough. But… she is going to a tech school – fashion is not exactly a focal point at this college! Have to add that we had been shirt shopping twice in weeks leading up to this and she had not found one thing she liked. Sigh…</p>
<p>Mine, my second, vacillates between complete and total independence (just add annoyed tone here) and this kind of quiet sweetness I haven’t seen in her since she was 12.</p>
<p>On Sunday she sat with me for a few hours just chatting about nothing in particular.</p>
<p>By Monday I was apparently “hovering.”</p>
<p>And by hovering I mean, “What time will you be home tonight?”</p>
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