<p>Has anyone felt this type of treatment towards your kids from grandparents? I have noticed on several occasions, my parents have preferential treatment for S1 - lots of gushing, smiling and proud looks on their faces etc… when it comes to S2, it is more of a lackadaisical attitude. When they were very young, neither noticed, but recently I have seen that S2 is noticing these things from a distance and I do not know what to do…???</p>
<p>My kids don’t get a distinction from one to another, however from their cousins (ie my husbands sisters kids). Oddly it’s not as bad as it used to be, but as a parent it’s hard to excuse, or hide, that type of behavior.
Honestly I think your situation is worse. I’m sorry you are struggling with this. I know how frustrating it has been for me.</p>
<p>We have a similar situation but it is their half sibling (from my husband’s 1st marriage). 20 years older and shows a huge preference for my son. When he was younger would come and take him out to eat and to the movies, bring him gifts etc. Gave him a really nice HS graduation present. Acts like my daughter does not exist and has never given her a thing. She says she doesn’t care , but I can tell it really used to hurt her feelings. Only appears on the scene once a year or so fortunately, and has let my son down often enough that he has been burned too often.</p>
<p>How frustrating for you!</p>
<p>Is your S-1 their very first grandchild? That could account for it – all the novelty/excitement of becoimng grandparents got attached to him and stuck.</p>
<p>If you think they are otherwise fairminded people, perhaps you can mention to your parents that you perceive a gap. Ask them to confirm or dispute your perceptions. </p>
<p>They might be doing it, but not aware of it, in which case you might ask them to really compensate in the other direction now.</p>
<p>Or, if they defend favoring one over the other so strongly, then I think you have to tell them exactly why and how you need them to change visible behaviors pronto. Explain how hurtful it can be to S-2. Appeal to their higher nature – “surely you don’t want to inadvertently hurt him, do you…?” Ask them if they hope to have a long relationship with him, and if so, don’t lose this window of opportunity now. It never returns.</p>
<p>I hope you act. It’s important, not trivial, to S-2’s self-esteem.</p>
<p>This happens with my in-laws . They clearly favor husband’s daughter from previous marriage. Now that our daughter is 13, she sees it too and I don’t know what to say to her.
We don’t see them very often , so I can’t say she is really very hurt, but I am sure it stings.
About 5 yrs ago, two girls were bickering over something minor and her grandmother ( who neither speaks or understands English ) told my husband that our daughter was causing trouble, or something to that effect…I was pretty upset that without understanding the situation , she clearly sided with one over the other</p>
<p>The grandparents may not realize what’s happening.</p>
<p>If their personalities and interests and more compatible with S1’s than S2’s, they might pay more attention to him without realizing it. </p>
<p>If you explain to them that S2 is feeling that they are uninterested in him, they may bend over backwards to even things out.</p>
<p>When I was growing up, an aunt who was close to our family spent a lot of time with me because of a shared interest in the piano. My aunt and my sister spent much less time together because they did not have this interest in common. I do not know whether my sister ever perceived this as favoritism, but if she had, I’m sure my aunt would have wanted to know about it and would have adjusted the way she interacted with us to compensate.</p>
<p>I was the prefered grand child by my grand parents in my family and extended family, because I was the first grand child in this large family under my grand parents. It is apparent that my brothers have received less attention from my grand parents than I. The ways I take it to apply to OP’s situation are:</p>
<ol>
<li>It is difficult to change older folks’ mind, so talk to your parents may not work.</li>
<li>You should work with your sons, try to let them understand that your love to them is equal and perhaps let S2 know you will makeup the grand parents prejudices.</li>
<li>If the grand parents lives near by, it is unavoidable to see them often, if they live far away, you can reduce the impact to let your S2 to see them fewer times.</li>
</ol>
<p>I am no psychologist, the above is only my opinion, everyone has a different situation to deal with and my opinion may not fit in your bill.</p>
<p>Oh yeah. My S is the only grandson, with immigrant grandparents. Boys are VERY
prized. My H was so spoiled and doted on as a child and now it has transferred to S. In fact, their first response when we told them that we were going to have a boy (4th grandchild) was “Finally, someone to carry on the family name!” The girls (my own and cousins) are just chopped liver. And we have avoided telling them that S is gay so the family name thing stops with him (unless he adopts, but I don’t think that counts in their eyes).</p>
<p>One of my grandmothers did this - she clearly preferred the oldest granddaughter (me) and oldest grandson (one of my cousins) over all the other cousins. Many years later we all laugh about it, but if I am ever lucky enough to be a grandmother, it is something I will be conscious of.</p>
<p>How many grandchildren are in the family? (are there cousins in between?) Sometimes the novelty wears off.</p>
<p>There are 23 in mine, and although my parents give small and equal gifts for birthday/Christmas/graduation, etc. to everyone–including 2 step-grandchildren–the grandparents obviously show more interest in the oldest few grandchildren. I assume this is because they’ve known them longer and were excited about all their milestones. (In-laws are now deceased–never met some of my kids). Also, they were in better health, had better memories when those kids were young. Several of us have large families (6, 6, 7). The younger kids all get much less attention. I have lived far away for many years, so, though my parents always ask about my two oldest kids, they sometimes forget my younger kids names or mix them up, rarely ask about them, don’t know their ages, interests, etc. My younger brother, who has 6 kids, was disappointed that no one seemed that interested in the birth of his first child.
After a half dozen grandkids in as many years, the excitement just wasn’t there. (Same on his wife’s side of the family–there are 40+ grandchildren!) Anyway, I’m sure my parents have no bad intentions. That is just how things are. Life can’t be fair at all times. If your son notices, I would try to minimize the significance of it. Grandparents are old, they know S1 better. No big deal. I wouldn’t say anything. (Unless you think they are purposefully playing favorites–like giving S1 large gifts when S2 gets nothing. From what you describe, it doesn’t sound like that. ) If you complain, you might seem overly sensitive or picky–this could possibly make parents self-conscious and they may withdraw from both kids to avoid “making mistakes” or being judged in the relationship.</p>
<p>BTW, I am the same with my own kids–lots of pictures of kid#1, fascinated by his every move and milestone. #2-4 not so much. #5-7–I can’t blame grandma and grandpa for forgetting their names because I get them mixed up, too. And all my younger nieces and nephews? Hard to keep them straight.</p>
<p>Being first-born definitely has its privileges–but there are disadvantages, too. Like all parenting mistakes we make on our first kid due to lack of experience.</p>
<p>My parents definitely play favorites. D1 is the apple of my dad’s eye, especially. He respects D2 (she beat him in chess a couple of years ago, that got his attention!). But he gushes over D1. I have been making a point lately to send news of D2’s accomplishments to my dad via email, and suggesting he drop her an email about it. Which he has been doing.</p>
<p>My Hs parents play favorites but what can ya do?
My oldest was the first grandchild and she was born 10 weeks early/stayed in hospital 8 weeks.
While they brought H’s camera to him at the hospital before she was born, they didn’t stick around to see what happened or come to visit her during the two months she was there.</p>
<p>This pattern continued- although when their middle child gave birth a few years later, my MIL took early retirement so she could provide child care.
They did come to D1s high school graduation, and also to D1s college graduation, but they did not come to D2s high school graduation.</p>
<p>I just try and make sure that my kids know that they are worthy and lovable even if other people give them mixed messages</p>
<p>My D (college freshman) has definitely noticed that grandparents prefer her brother (HS soph) - we often laugh about it. She doesn’t seem bothered in the least, although it helps that they live far away and we only see them once a year. Also, my parents live close by and dote on both kids. When the kids were little, H’s parents would ask what the kids wanted for Christmas and then send D one item and S every item on his list - we quit giving them a list. I think my D has good self-esteem and feels very loved by parents and maternal grandparents - lack of interest by paternal grandparents is hardly missed. It is their real loss that they don’t make an effort to know such a terrific granddaughter.</p>
<p>My MIL favored my sister-in-law’s kids very strongly and was aware of it. Her reasoning was that the only grandchildren you can be sure of are your daughter’s kids. She never got to know mine at all and it was her loss that they didn’t grieve when she died.</p>
<p>*is their real loss that they don’t make an effort to know such a terrific granddaughter. *</p>
<p>Unfortunately H’s parents are all the kids have- my father died before I even met H when I was 18 & my mom died last year. While my mom was more affectionate than H’s parents, both my sister and brother have more/younger children, and she spent a * good deal more* time with their kids, than she did with mine.</p>
<p>It saddens me- because my maternal grandparents were around to see me get married and the birth of my oldest, and my grandmother was doing well when my youngest daughter was born 8 years later.</p>
<p>I felt a loss growing up- just because I didn’t have cousins when most of my friends did ( both my parents were essentially only children- my father does have two half sisters- one through his mother and one through his father, but one was disabled from birth and one was in India for 40 years)</p>
<p>Parents are very important- but it is also nice to be able to have extended family to get support from- especially as a teen.</p>
<p>My grandparents preferred me ( eventually as an adult), but I was the first grandchild ( and my parents lived within blocks until I started kindergarten), and later * my husband *and I moved to a city neighborhood close to theirs, partially in order to be able to help them.
My sister however- still is resentful about it.
:(</p>
<p>My mother greatly prefers my niece over my two boys – but she lives far away as does my niece so for the most part my boys don’t really notice. It is just that she tells me stuff that drives me crazy like – Oldest son got mugged, so my mom sent him a check for $50. That was nice of her and I told her on the phone so she said " Yeah, I thought he needed a little something, but it reminded me that niece did too, so I sent her a check for $200." I have said in the past that it really doesn’t bother me that she prefers my niece, and it really doesn’t, my niece is a neat kid and I love her. I just wish my mother would stop telling me when she does stuff like this.</p>
<p>My kids were the first grandchildren for my in-laws. They were all over them until DH’s sister had a baby girl when my boys were 8 and 11. It was like a giant tidal wave had wiped us off the map. </p>
<p>We hear contantly about how great she is (she’s twleve now) at everything she tries. They’ve made 7 hr. car trips to see her in dance recitals (30 miles from where we live) and called us to say sorry we don’t have time to come see your kids.
DH’s sister is the youngest in the family and always was the apple of in-laws eyes so I guess it makes sense that her kid would be the favorite too.</p>
<p>They live pretty far away so my kids only saw them a few times a yr. growing up. I don’t think it really bothered them since there is such an age difference between them and their cousin.
I could see it being more hurtful if a grandparent showed favortism between sibs.</p>
<p>Thanks for every post, looks like grandparent favoritism is more prevalent than I thought (or than it should be)… you would expect that the grandparents in their infinite wisdom would act more equitably but, alas, I guess not. The reason I started this thread was when I saw S2 storm out of the room where grandparents and his brother were in and I instantly knew what might have happened. I talked to my mother a few years ago that it might get to this but she blew me off: of course S1 is the favorite grandchild of all and she feels there is no need to disguise that fact, she said she loves S2 as well, but S1 is the precious one, he is the first one, he is the smart one, he is the … well, you get the drift. I just don’t get her, and worse, my father just blindly follows. I love my parents but this is very strange to me and is not excusable behavior. I guess I could sit S2 down and talk to him, but what exactly am I going to say… no idea… may be some examples, like when his own dad was growing up, he was the least favorite of his own grandmother, H still talks about it, seems not to bother him now but I think it does ever so slightly, inside. I don’t think it is going to make him feel any better but atleast he would know that mom recognizes what he is going through and cares. As someone said, when it is my turn, I will be conscious of this and try not to hurt my grandkids feelings (or their mothers’!)</p>
<p>lolu- YES!!! If you are going to do it, shut up about it. My mother paid my sister’s vet bill ($600+) and was so proud and excited to tell me the great thing she did…this was the same week I paid $700 for a vet bill; mom lives with me, she knew that. Fine, pay sister’s bill, whatever, but please don’t rub it in! Let alone want me to tell you what a great thing you did (I did tell her that because that is what I knew she wanted to hear, but then I called my other sister and whined!)</p>
<p>Do what you want, but don’t tell me!</p>
<p>*My MIL favored my sister-in-law’s kids very strongly and was aware of it. Her reasoning was that the only grandchildren you can be sure of are your daughter’s kids. *</p>
<p>OMG…how insulting. She was implying that her DILs might be cheaters.</p>