<p>DH’s mother always complained that her mother obviously favored DH’s older brother. I find it amusing that DH’s mother now so obviously favors my oldest. Everybody laughs about it. I’m not sure you can change the grandparent’s behavior, so keep it the running joke in the family.</p>
<p>My IL’s and my parents both have a favorite grandson. Now they love and cherish all of their grandchildren but they have a special place for one of them for different reasons.</p>
<p>My S is my parents (mostly my dad) favorite. He was their first grandchild and the only boy for a long time. He and my dad share a lot of interests, my dad only had girls and he loves talking to my S about cars and golf and men things. They share a very special bond.</p>
<p>My IL favor one of my H’s brothers sons. We live out of town and our kids didn’t see their grandparents very often, the other kids lived in their town and they were able to go to many of their activities. This grandson makes an effort to see his grandparents, I guess lately he and his girlfriend come over to my IL’s and play cards with them on a regular basis. The other kids in town are frankly not very friendly and would never think to visit, let along even be nice to my IL’s. So yeah, they are partial to the particular grandson.</p>
<p>My D is really funny about the whole thing. Now she knows that her grandparent love her and they are very equal in gift giving. But she does things tongue in cheek to as she likes to call it, try to move up to the number 2 spot in the grandchild ranking order. When my dad had open heart surgery last year, she was on break and she drove 9 hours with me to be with my parents while my dad was in the hospital. She was not cranky about being at the hospital day in and day out and bought my dad a get well balloon when he got out of critical care. My dad and mom were so appreciative.</p>
<p>She also makes special plans to visit my IL’s when she is home from college. They are very appreciative also and love having her visit and love her a lot. She is my child who will always remember your birthday and wants to do something special, much more so than the boys.</p>
<p>Hate to play the devil’s advocate here (but I will just a litle). There are three sets of kids in my husband’s family. Depending on which sibling you ask, the in-laws “favorites” seem to change. </p>
<p>Oldest sister will tell you that MY kids were treated as favorites, and esp. my son. I think it is probably true…but guess what? My son is also warmest towards THEM. He gives big hugs, sits with them at the table and shares his stories and loves them sooo much it is obvious. Ditto my daughter on a little more reserved level; does she notice the difference between her and her brother? Maybe, but it’s minimal, and she gets back what she puts in. We include the GP’s in the kids’ “big” events (theatre, choir, dance recitals etc.) </p>
<p>SIL’s kids walk in, barely let you GIVE them an awkward hug, do their obligiatory time with one foot out the door and head for the television and the other cousins. Nice kids, but harder to know and be fuzzy with, even as an aunt. They have long hair and are in rock bands that shout weird things, and are basically a puzzle to my inlaws. Should the GP’s make more of an effort to “ferret” these kids out? Assuredly. Do they feel like they have tried and have to settle for what they get? Probably. This SIL doesn’t see that…she loves her kids and thinks GP are acting hurtful, and I have heard her boys make comments about “favorites.”</p>
<p>Youngest sister has two little ones (under 6) and the rest of ours are in high school. Who do I say are the favorites? Well, they goo and gah over them like they’ve never had a grandchild before (as they should). They babysit a lot, and they are probably closest to them. My little nephews think they walk on water, and treat them to lots of hugs and smiles. Who wouldn’t love them the most? Even with all that, this younger SIL would still say my son is the favorite! YIKES!!</p>
<p>I am NOT saying this applies to everyone - of course I know there are just some GP’s that show preference with all things being equal for no “apparent” reason - but sometimes you get back what you give, and some kids are easier to be warm with than others. Doesn’t mean they don’t love them…and want the best for them.</p>
<p>Can your kids understand it this way: do they have favorite grandparents? My parents feel like my husband’s parents are the “favorites”! and it’s true, because they are more warm and less judgemental. and so the world turns…</p>
<p>My mom has always spent a lot of time with all of her grandchildren…BUT, she used to show favoritism towards my brothers and their children. It used to drive my sisters and I crazy, because we were the ones who did so much for our parents. Many times, my mom’s obvious favoritism was outright insulting when she’d cancel plans with a daughter’s family to be at the “beck and call” of a brother’s family. </p>
<p>She’d “correct” the minor misbehaviors of the grandchildren of her daughters, but let the grandchildren of her sons run roughshod all over her house - breaking things, messing things up, scratching her new wood floor. Ugh. (WE didn’t mind her correcting out kids, we just didn’t like that our brothers’ kids could be outrageous in her house and she’d say nothing.</p>
<p>Then…5 years ago…mom had a major stroke (She recovered nicely) that seemed to “wipe away” any sense of favoritism to the boys. Gone…completely. When my brothers’ kids misbehave, she speaks up. She no longer drops all her plans to go to anything the boys ask her to attend. (I think my brothers and their kids are shell-shocked.) LOL </p>
<p>The great thing is that my sisters and I really enjoy being with my mom now. </p>
<p>We’ve often wondered what exact area of the brain stores favoritism (mom had a left brain stroke)</p>
<p>Can your kids understand it this way: do they have favorite grandparents? My parents feel like my husband’s parents are the “favorites”! and it’s true, because they are more warm and less judgemental. and so the world turns…</p>
<p>My parents have always been the “favorite grandparents” because when they are with their grandchildren, they are always playing with them…cards, board games, puzzles…whatever. </p>
<p>My in-laws will greet their grandchildren, but then continue their focus on adult conversation or TV programming. </p>
<p>So, my parents win by giving time/attention.</p>
<p>One set of the grandparents in this family don’t give our kids the time of day…but they think that a couple of their other grandchildren walk on water. We are so sick of the gushy emails about the other grandkids that we don’t even read the threads anymore (yes…they send them to our kids too).</p>
<p>The other set of grandparents are terrific, thank goodness.</p>
<p>I have on advise, but I can give you my point of view as the unfavored child. I lived this my whole life and I can tell you that at 52 years old, it still bothers me. My parents were both married before and I grew up in a his, hers and ours family. My sister is 11 yrs older and my brother is 4 yrs older. My dad’s parents lived close to both my family and my brother, who lived with his mom. I remember being very young, three or so, and asking why my grandparents didn’t like me. I also remember being about six and overhearing a rather heated conversation between my mom and my grandmother. My grandmother told my mom that they already had a grandchild and didn’t really want another one. Too late! What instigated the argument was me asking if I could spend the night with my grandparents. My brother arrived for the Sunday afternoon visit with an overnight bag and I wanted to sleep over with him. When I asked my grandmother, she said no, I couldn’t stay because I didn’t have any clothes. My mom offered to run out and get me what I needed, but my grandmother flatly refused. I remember being devastated. I never spent the night at my grandparents house, not once, and they both lived until I was married and had children.</p>
<p>I will say that this was almost as hard on my brother as it was on me. He hated the favoritism and resented my grandparents for how they treated me. When he turned 16 and got his license, he drove 45 minutes to see me on a regular basis. I remember talking to him one day and him telling me that it was time for us to take control of our relationship and that the adults in our lives couldn’t define our relationship any more. I was only twelve and at the time I didn’t really understand what he was saying, I just thought it was cool that he would come hang out with me. But as I grew older, I was so grateful to him for that because up until that point, we saw each other only when the stars aligned for all the adults in our lives; my parents, our grandparents, his mom and various step-fathers. None of them did anything to foster a relationship between us. Despite living very different lives, my brother and I are still close.</p>
<p>fishymom- your brother sounds exceptional</p>
<p>fishymom - I am really sorry you were treated so shabbily. I have read lots of places, that God gives you two chances to have a great relationship…one when you are the child, and another when you are the parent/grandparent. I am sure you would do the right thing by your own family. And it sounds like you have a great brother who “gets” it.</p>
<p>Thanks Tom and Nicksmtmom. I was fortunate to have a surrogate grandmother whom I dearly loved and gave me sly my own grandmother would or could not. It broke my heart when she died. My own grandmother lived to see my first child born and had little use for him either, though she doted on my brother’s kids. She never forgave my dad for divorcing his first wife, even though there was extreme dysfunction in the marriage. She never accepted my mom and therefore had no use for me. Fortunately, I had many adults in my life who loved me and I did just fine, despite her indifference. I think my brother suffered more because he was denied a relationship with not only his sister, but his father. My grandparents controlled his mom with their money.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, you’ll really find out how bad the favoritism is when you see the will. In the meantime, if you think the GP’s treatment of your kids is causing harm, minimize contact with the GP’s. If they complain, tell them why, if you wish. Maybe they’ll change, most likely not, but at least you’re being honest with yourself and family, and appropriately protective of your kids. When your kids are young adults, they can be polite to the GP’s but feel no need to go out of their way to socialize with the GP’s. As ye sow ye shall reap.</p>
<p>As the “favorite” grandchildren mature do they notice this character flaw. My D is the favorite and while she loves her grandparents she has noted this and does not find it a redeeming quality.</p>
<p>In our family, it’s the two youngest grandchildren who are the favorites. They are years younger than their cousins. I don’t think they will ever notice the difference in how they are preferentially treated. </p>
<p>I will say, both of my kids have not only noticed how they are treated by this one set of grandparents and how some of their cousins seem to always be doing the right thing and the accomplishments of my two kids never seem to get noticed. </p>
<p>We don’t really say much…just tell them to call periodically, write short emails and notes, and try to visit when they are home (one was actually told at one point that a visit was NOT possible in a three week time period because the GPs were TOO BUSY…really hurt the kid’s feelings).</p>
<p>My niece will be the favorite grandchild in the family. I know this because years ago, long before my wife was pregnant, my MIL announced that my niece will be the favorite because she was the first and my MIL will always love the first more than the second or third.</p>
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<p>Do you think because the older generation thinks child discipline is a “mom” thing, that your mother thought it was easier correcting the kids of her own daughters rather than her daughters-in-law? Maybe now that she had a scare, she decided life was too short…</p>
<p>Anyway, glad to hear mom is okay, and your favoritism issue is resolved. Sounds like you guys have a great sense of humor!</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>Very true…</p>
<p>In reality, mom was probably too scared to correct the children of a DIL. She had seen that her own MIL didn’t get along well with certain DILs, so the DILs kept the grandkids away from the MIL. My mom was probably trying to avoid that.</p>
<p>And…yes…we’re all glad that the favoritism ended with mom’s stroke. I don’t think it’s because she thinks life is too short; I think it’s because that part of the brain got destroyed. Of course, we’re not happy about her having a stroke…but the ending of favoritism has been a good thing!</p>
<p>*She never forgave my dad for divorcing his first wife, even though there was extreme dysfunction in the marriage. She never accepted my mom and therefore had no use for me. *</p>
<p>When I read your earlier post, the above was my first thought, so it didn’t surprise me to read your later post. Your grandmother was punishing you for your dad’s earlier divorce. Very sad to punish an innocent child. </p>
<p>The question I wonder…did she punish your dad at all? or just a sweet innocent child?</p>
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<p>I don’t agree with this. When my grandmother died, there was one child left out of the will, they had gobs more money than the others, who were well off but not in the same way. The will even stated “Daughter, our love for you is the same but we know you are not with need” (I am paraphrasing) and there was no problem. I think family does for those who need and it is not necessary monitarily to always distribute equally. Emotionally, I would hope that all things are equal however.</p>
<p>I have the same experience as Packmom(#17) where the arrival of a younger cousin wiped us all “off the map” to a large extent. Complicating this is that it was my in-laws’ only daughter providing their first (and so far, only) grandson. He was the first grandchild on his father’s side and was terribly pampered. He hated the arrival of his younger sister, which dimmed the spotlight on him. </p>
<p>I know it bothered us all, maybe especially my H, to see his parents treat his sibling and her children the way they never bothered to treat us. It’s gotten less painful with time, but it’s also worse because these are the grandparents that my children prefer (since my Mom died, and they’re not so in love with my Dad’s new wife). </p>
<p>I will be very, very careful about this when I’m a grandmother!!!</p>