Pregnant college-bound senior

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Before I get flamed, I didn’t know where else to go. Just found out my high-achieving, college-bound senior is pregnant. This is probably one of the hardest days of our lives. We are very close but have different opinions as to what to do next. </p>

<p>I’m wondering if any of you have faced this and how did your family cope? Any of your D’s successfully survive a senior year pregnant and go on to finish college and start a career while raising a child? My D does not think it’s plausible, but I believe it is not as uncommon as she thinks it is!</p>

<p>I was a teen mom but I had finished high school already and was married at the time. I’m more than willing to help her and I know that her BF’s family would be also. But she’s seen me struggle as a single mom for as long as she can remember and I’m sure it’s affected her opinion. </p>

<p>I am so saddened by this and know that there is no instant solution to anything and would really like to hear what other families have dealt with this. </p>

<p>Yes, I’m posting under a pseudonym to protect all involved. Thank you all in advance for your examples and suggestions.</p>

2

<p>Not been in your shoes, but have seen friends and family friends go through similar experiences. No, I have not seen a 17 or 18 year old woman finish college while being a single mother. I’m sure it’s happened before, but the most I’ve seen is some at the local community college. And that was several years after the baby was born, basically once the child was in school his/herself.</p>

<p>It’s good she has your support, but you also need to support whatever decision she makes.</p>

3

<p>I’ll assume that abortion is not an option. But why would you even consider her raising the child, much less look for rationales to do so? She is a child herself, and who knows how long the boyfriend will say in the picture–they rarely do at this age. Adoption is the only reasonable answer. This baby deserves a stable home with a devoted mother and a father who are able to give it time, attention and, yes, material things–a devoted family that has been longing for a child, probably for years. Your daughter made one stupid mistake–she shouldn’t compound it. She’s a foolish kid, you’re the adult–time for you take control of the situation and explain that there is only one result that is appropriate for her unborn child</p>

4

<p>Well she thinks abortion is her only option. I personally don’t want her to do that. I’m sure she’s very concerned about being ostracized and ridiculed, too.</p>

<p>I’m a single mom and finished school, it just took longer, but I didn’t have the family support nearby as she would have. My kids changed my life for the better. What was an unexpected pregnancy became my reason for living. I didn’t even want kids until I had one on the way, and I was young. She wasn’t the end of my life, but the start of a new path I didn’t know I’d love so much. </p>

<p>Both she and her BF are stellar kids who have been together 2 years and took 2 forms of precautions, but things happen. BC isn’t 100% effective. </p>

<p>This sucks.</p>

5

<p>Has she considered adoption? That would seem to be a good solution.</p>

<p>I do know of a strong student who had a baby while in college. She has kept the baby, BUT…her parents moved her into a two bedroom apt and the mom (new grandma) stays with the D and baby Sunday night thru Friday…and then they all go home for the weekend (family lives about 2 hours away from college). This allows the grandma to babysit while the D completes her major. </p>

<p>Obviously, this is not a solution for most. In this case, the new grandma doesn’t work, the D is an only child, so the parents are totally devoted to this D and her baby. </p>

<p>I do think that it would be hard for your D to raise the baby alone while in college, especially if you’re not able to seriously financially help her.</p>

<p>I dont’ support abortion either, so I can understand wanting to avoid that (besides, who wants their grandbaby aborted??). </p>

<p>I’m sure she’s very concerned about being ostracized and ridiculed, too.</p>

<p>??? Ostracized and ridiculed by WHO? I doubt her peers would and it doesn’t seem like people do that anymore…at least in normal societies. </p>

<p>What is the BF saying? If he is also pushing for abortion, then likely the relationship will not last if she has the baby. That can be another concern (awful pressure) for your D. </p>

<p>Since college costs are so much higher these days, and gov’t aid covers much less of the costs, it’s hard to compare what people did years ago with what is possible now.</p>

<p>I’m confused…in one post it sounds like you said that you were married when you were a teen mom, and in another it sounds like you were a single mom. Can you clarify?</p>

6

<p>Absolutely. Was married when I had D but been divorced now more than 15 years. So, i’ve been a single mom nearly D’s whole life.</p>

7

<p>If she is torn and you are promising real help, that is one thing. But if she really doesn’t want to continue with the pregnancy, I feel that you should accept it. And then really try to come to peace with the situation. Perhaps counseling would help each of you.</p>

8

<p>Remember that there are a lot of teenagers who have abortions to hide the pregnancy from everybody – including their parents. The fact that she’s opening up to you means a lot.</p>

<p>Carrying a baby is a big deal (as is an abortion, yes). You want to make sure that she isn’t arriving at any decision lightly, but I feel that ultimately it should be her decision, as it’s her body, and whatever option is chosen (which sounds like it would be abortion at this point), she’ll need support from her mom and not to be made to feel guilty. She probably already is giving herself enough guilt.</p>

9

<p>This could have happened to anyone. I am sorry your D is going through this. I don’t think your D is making the decision of having abortion lightly. If it is my daughter that’s the decision I would help her make. </p>

<p>I remember when our first kid was born, she became our world, every minute of the day I was thinking about her. If she was sick I stayed up all night with her. If she was unhappy, I wanted to fixed it for her right away. For all of that, I don’t think I could ever give up my child for adoption after it’s born. I would go through life wondering how my child was doing, if his/her adoptive parents were taking good care of him/her. </p>

<p>Your daughter has a whole life ahead of her. She should go to college, have a career, maybe get married and have a family when she is ready. As a young single mom, you would know better than anyone how difficult it would be for your young daughter to have a baby so young without a college degree. You didn’t raise her so she would struggle like you did 18 years ago.</p>

<p>Whether or not to have an abortion is a very personal decision, if you do not believe in it I don’t want to convince you otherwise. But if your D is making the decision to have an abortion, I would support her and be there for her. You must be very close for her to come to you. I am sure she is very scared and worried. I would suggest for her (maybe you too) to get some counseling before and after.</p>

10

<p>Let her make the choice. When you were a teen mom I’m sure you didn’t enjoy having others butting in and telling you what to do. She is in a very different situation than you, schools are more intensive, bullying is brutal, affordability of college drops… You can always have more grandbabies, she can have only one college experience. Just because the boyfriend is in the picture now means nothing, your husband and yourself split up, that could happen here and the parents that promised to help could turn their backs. I’d say abortion or adoption at this point if it were me, but take the time to really appreciate her honesty. You have a good daughter, but a human one.</p>

11

<p>Please let your daughter have the abortion. This is her choice to make and projecting the choice you made in your situation isn’t fair. Giving a baby up for adoption is gut-wrenching. Help your daughter at what is probably the lowest, scariest point in her life so far.</p>

12

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<p>Promise her that you will raise the child.</p>

13

<p>WOw,</p>

<p>I have an almost 17 yo dd14 and my heart breaks for you. We live in the inner city where this is very common. Its nothing to see a girl at her school with a burgeoning belly. Trust me!! It still makes me pause. I always ask myself, “why in hell do they want to ruin their lives?”</p>

<p>You are amazing because you have decided to help her. My daughter has seen me struggle and the devastation that teen pregnancy can bring so I have told her that she has no options if she DECIDES to get pregnant/have a baby. I refuse to be party to my amazing daughter ruining her promising life. She knows that if she chooses to become pregnant, then my voracious support WILL end. I know this sounds harsh but she has seen examples of teen parenthood and how it ravages lives…her own AND that of the child.</p>

<p>Babies deserve more than a teen mother who can barely make ends meet, babies deserve more than public assistance, babies deserve mature adults who WANT them and who plan accordingly, babies deserve more than a immature teen parent who doesn’t know her butt from her elbow. Just because a person can have a baby. Doesn’t mean that she should. If she doesn’t want this baby, and you force her to have it, she will end up resenting you, and even worse, the innocent child!!! Statistics show that the father will be long gone soon after delivery, off to college, marry someone else… She will be forever linked to this man/family and she deserves more than being someones “baby mama”.</p>

<p>She deserves to be footloose and fancy free. Not to have every decision she makes being made in terms of a baby/being a mother… </p>

<p>I know of a family whose daughter was pregnant. They didn’t know it. She was in her senior year and found out when she was in labor. The family was horrified/devastated. They allowed the daughter to go to school in another state while they raise the baby. She is so serious/drained, such an old/sad soul now… the father is fighting for custody… so between classes 2 - 3 hours away, she has court dates here in this state. She can’t enjoy college as she should be. The joy has been sucked from her life. Its so funny how they were so in love 2 short years ago, they now hate one another.</p>

<p>Have you watched an episode of Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant on MTV?? I think every family should watch that show… it is a weekly cautionary tale for ALL families. and it also shows young woman that the equation always remains the same! It will never change and trying to romanticize it will bring dire consequences to all involved.</p>

14

<p>Is anyone else even remotely concerned about the long-term physical and emotional repercussions? What if she’s left unable to bear children because of the procedure? IDK there are so many risks and I truly feel like you are throwing a life away by aborting. </p>

<p>And abortion doesn’t take the "what if"s away. Any woman who has even had a miscarriage will tell you they see kids that would be the child’s age & the "what if"s flood your mind immediately. </p>

<p>Does anyone have any examples of people who kept their child or even gave their children for adoption? (That would be emotionally devastating also, but at least you haven’t ended a life).</p>

<p>Sorry if I’m bouncing around thought-wise. I’ve lost quite a bit of sleep stressing tonight.</p>

15

<p>Ok, here is another thought… what if she is always left thinking “What if I had the abortion?” how my life be then? YOU are pro- life, she isn’t… what if the baby is born with birh defects? what if she develops pre clamspia and strokes during delivery? what if, what if what if… the baby deserves more… I know plenty of people who have kept their children, more than I can count. And it NEVER turns out easy, effortless, rewarding and without problems… the equation always remains the same…</p>

16

<p>Abortion is significantly safer for your daughter than childbirth. I know many women who have had abortions. The number one emotion is relief. I knew a girl who gave up a baby for adoption who went through emotional hell during her pregnancy. I could never inflict that on my child. On the other hand, if my daughter asked me to help raise and financially support her and a baby, I would do everything I could to help them.</p>

17

<p>My mother was your daughter. Pregnant in senior year of high school. She had the baby & struggled as a single parent and didn’t get her BA until she was 35, and I was 17. </p>

<p>She made sure I knew I had different choices. </p>

<p>I know that this is difficult for both you and your daughter. Please support her tough choice to have an abortion. The procedure is safe now. The sooner she does it the less difficult it will be. </p>

<p>She has plenty of time to experience the wonderful and surprising love that comes from being a mother. </p>

<p>This is also good practice for you in supporting the adult decisions she will start to make next year without you. </p>

<p>Try to put your own preferences aside and be the mom your daughter needs right now.</p>

18

<p>I’m not going to jump into the aborting/adoption/raise the baby debate. Let me just comment on college. </p>

<p>I always had this idea that “everyone” goes to college right out of HS and graduates in 4 years. In my state, only 45% of caucasian males have a degree in 6 years. So 55% don’t graduate even in 6 years. My very promising student came home after one year in college and is on the- maybe -6 year plan. Every year lots of students come home after one semester or one year of college. Others change majors 4 times, etc etc etc. </p>

<p>No matter what decision your D makes, if she goes to cc for a while, takes a reduced load, etc., in a while she will be in good company…4 years down the line, lots of her friends will not be graudating but many others will get their acts together later.</p>

19

<p>Hugs to you and your D. As another poster said this can happen to anyone.</p>

<p>I suggest that you, your D and her BF sit down together ASAP and discuss her 4 options:</p>

<ol>
<li>Abortion</li>
<li>Adoption</li>
<li>Raising the child as a single parent</li>
<li>Marrying the BF and raising the child</li>
</ol>

<p>There are pros/cons to all of the above. </p>

<p>Ultimately the decision is your D’s to make but as there are potential consequences for both you and her BF, you do need to discuss this together. If your D makes decision #3 above , for example her BF should plan on paying 18 years of child support.</p>

<p>A few other thoughts:</p>

<p>I do know some young women who have been in this situation and have ended up finishing college however it took a very large amount of family support both financial and in co-raising the child. Something to think about.</p>

<p>Adoption does not seem to be a very popular option these days (and peer pressure frequently runs against it), but it can be a very good option.</p>

<p>I am not kidding with option #4 above. I know several couples from my own teen days who started out this way who have managed to raise a child together and stay married. It can work out.</p>

<p>I wish the best for your D and you.</p>

20

<p>I sent you a pm.</p>