<p>I’m not going to enter the abortion debate, as that is a personal decision and I will keep my opinions to myself. </p>
<p>Having known many childless couples that really wanted children, I believe if she does chose to give the baby up for adoption, she will be able to find a loving home for it. She can also enter into an open adoption agreement where she will be able to know how the child is doing. (one concern w adoption is the father often has to sign off in many states).</p>
<p>It CAN be done, but she’ll need some help. </p>
<p>My niece became pregnant as a Sr in HS. Lived with her mom, dad and sister. Had her son, enrolled in the local college which had a nursing school, and graduated this past May. She is a well paid nurse, her son just started kindergarten, and she just moved into her own apt. </p>
<p>Obviously it takes a village when in this situation, but if you’re willing and able to help, your daughter can be a successful young woman who also happens to be a young mother. </p>
<p>Wishing you both the best</p>
<p>She has two choices: abortion or dropping out of college. It is not feasable for a student to raise a child while in college. What about when she needs to study, but can’t because baby is crying in the other room? Or when she has to balance an internship, college, studying, and a job just to afford college ?</p>
<p>Fallgirl has presented the four options.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that the BF wants the abortion since the option of them marrying (or even living together) and raising the child as a family doesn’t seem to be an option. What is the BF saying? </p>
<p>If the BF is VERY WILLING to live with/marry your D and be a “hands on dad” (for REAL), and both sets of grandparents are willing to support (financially and time-wise) this young couple, then that may be the best option. </p>
<p>What were the college plans? Was she going to live at home and commute? How was college going to be paid for? </p>
<p>Since you’re a single mom, that suggests that you’re working full time. How much could you realistically help during school hours???</p>
<p>I know that there are peer pressures against adoption, but those can be set aside by a strong young lady. If the couple aren’t prepared to raise the child, then adoption is a great option.</p>
<p>Frankly, I think aborting the baby from a loving relationship would be very hard. It’s one thing to mentally be able to abort a baby from a casual relationship or hook-up, but to abort a likely healthy baby from a couple in love is counter-intuitive. I think that would give a person nightmares.</p>
<p>Agree that this should be HER choice. Support her in the decision she makes that is best for HER. Concerns about potential problems from a TAB affecting future pregnancies are, IMO, a bit outdated, and there can be as many, if not more potential difficulties with a teen pregnancy.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your daughter. Remember, love the kid on the couch.</p>
<p>I hope you decide to support your D in getting the abortion. She told you about this pregnancy because she assumed you’d be there to support her. But instead, you are pushing her into a direction she has stated she does not want to go. (Or maybe you live in a state that requires parental permission?) In that light, it’s a shame that she shared this info with you, or, it’s a shame that some voters/legislators believe in allowing our government to interfere with our private medical decisions. Let her make her own choice. If it were my D, I would encourage the abortion choice. IF it were my D and she wanted to continue the pregnancy, I’d encourage adoption. You’ll have other grandchildren.</p>
<p>This needs to be her decision, not yours. You are not the one who will walk through the halls of her high school pregnant (despite it being common in some inner city schools, it is not common everywhere, and could lead to ostracism). You will not be the one to possibly miss your graduation due to the pregnancy. You will not be the one faced with juggling a newborn with college classes, and missing out on the social aspects of a college education. That social life isn’t the crux of college, but it is part of the experience.</p>
<p>My niece got pregnant shortly after HS graduation, and now has a 2YO son. They did not stay together - his family is devoted to the baby, but not to the relationship. </p>
<p>You worry about the repercussions of an abortion, but what about the long-term repercussions of the pregnancy? What if she’s left unable to bear children due to something that happens during the pregnancy? Equating a miscarriage to an abortion is not an appropriate comparison. Not all women who abort have the same emotional response to seeing children the same age. Perhaps YOU would have that response, that doesn’t mean she will.</p>
<p>No matter what decision is made, there will be “what if” questions. FallGirl has listed the 4 basic options, and they should all be considered by this couple, with support from both you and his parents. Perhaps discussion should be held with all parties, but ultimately the decision must be between the two teens. The parents should advise, but not get a vote. I your preference pushes her to keep the baby, you will end up being blamed if it “ruins” either of their lives. You have to consider both of their plans, not just hers. Remember that you can’t legally absolve him of responsibility, just because you want the baby and he doesn’t.</p>
<p>Be glad she was comfortable enough to come to you, and not hide this. If you force your desires upon her, she might no longer be comfortable coming to you.</p>
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<p>As long as we have safe. legal abortion, this is not a realistic concern. The complications of pregnancy are FAR more common and FAR more serious. I think you are projecting your personal feelings here. YOU would feel guilty if you had an abortion, and so would expect to be punished. That is not true for me, and it sounds like it would not be true for your D.</p>
<p>Abortion is an intensely personal decision. Every statement you make about it reveals your feelings: “ending a life,” for example, is not a phrase that I would ever use about a first trimester abortion. (I’m talking about my feelings here just to provide a contrast to yours, since I cannot know your D’s.) I think you need to realize that there is a huge difference between the way a woman feels about a wanted pregnancy, or even an unplanned pregnancy that can be coped with, as in your case, and a pregnancy that is unwanted. (Even if she and her BF thought “maybe someday,” it sounds like she is firmly rejecting the idea of NOW.)</p>
<p>I urge you to let her make up her own mind and support her in her decision. Planned Parenthood is one place to go for counseling, I’m sure there are others. (But PLEASE do not take her to one of those antichoice shills masquerading as services for pregnant women who try to pressure women into not having an abortion!) You should be honored that she actually came to you with this, instead of dealing with it on her own. Try not to betray her trust by pressuring her either way. (And simply giving her an earful of your fears and desire for grandchildren IS pressuring her.) If you make it clear that your support will be there no matter what she decides, then she can make a decision that is not based on fear.</p>
<p>I am very sympathetic to your desire for grandchildren and fears for your D, but you need to realize that the antichoice propaganda out there greatly exaggerates all of the things you fear. Everett Koop, the former Surgeon General, did a study on women who had had abortions. He was ordered to find that it had negative repercussions: he found the reverse, and had the intellectual honesty to say so, much to the displeasure of the Reagan administration.</p>
<p>Hugs to you.</p>
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</p>
<p>Not true.</p>
<p>Let her make the decision and stand strong by her side with whatever decision that may be.
If she feels abortion is the best decision for her, support her without judgement. She needs to know that you will love her unconditionally with whatever decision she makes.</p>
<p>I’m a bit surprised that so many on this board are telling you to support your daughter’s decision unequivocally, without offering options. </p>
<p>Most posts I read on this website are all about parents being involved in just about every detail of their childs college choice - insisting on aps being complete by certain dates, reviewing essays, etc. etc. Essentially, helicoptering most aspects of this decision. And yet, you’re being told to support her <em>17 year old</em> decision to have an abortion without question. Seems a bit judgemental (if not hypocritical) to me. </p>
<p>However, I’m a newbie and this is probably not going to be an observation that goes over well. </p>
<p>You’re her mom, and she’s a young, afraid teenager. Make sure she understands ALL the choices.</p>
<p>My mom got pregnant right around junior or senior year of high school. She went to a catholic school which promptly expelled her, but she lucked out as some of her required courses at the catholic school transferred as honors credits at the public school and she had enough credits to graduate a semester early-- before the baby came. She had been with the father a long time, and they married, because “that’s what you do.” But they were both very young, and they changed. Mom matured, the father did not. Their interests changed and they stopped having any common ground besides the child. The father drank and would stay out all night instead of coming home from work, and was abusive. My mom ultimately left him after he threw his car keys at her and missed, striking a leather baby seat my sister had JUST been sitting in a moment before so hard that the keys pierced the leather. He seemed like a great guy when they were in high school, life of the party, athlete, everybody loved him-- they still do, nobody believed he could ever be a bad guy behind closed doors. But he was just too young, it was too soon to know how things would turn out. And even if he hadn’t turned out that way, they wouldn’t have remained together anyway because they had nothing in common as adults. I’m really not sure that my sister had anything to gain by their being married.</p>
<p>They did get divorced when my sister was a toddler, my mom had to be early 20s by then. She met my dad shortly after and married again, and my dad was a better dad to her than hers ever would have been. That desicision was what gave my sister the stability of two parents and a family, not the decision to marry her father as a teenager because “that’s just what you do” – I do not believe being biological parents together means its a given that you make the best husband and wife for each other, and I think being able to model that relationship healthily for your children is an important part of their upbringing.</p>
<p>My mom did have the opportunity to take college classes, but only once she married and my dad was supporting the house. By then my mom had several young children, not all school aged yet, but she stayed home during the day and went to work and classes in the evening after my dad came home to watch us. She didn’t finish, but I also don’t think she really wanted to. I don’t think she’d had time to mature enough to really consider college before she got pregnant, and by the time she was a mother her priorities were different. I don’t believe she has any regrets.</p>
<p>However, she is still staunchly pro-choice, just about the only “liberal” opinion she holds. I haven’t been pregnant yet, but I think once you are and it’s unplanned no road before you is going to be easy… I think the only way you can make it through that struggle is by “owning” the one you choose. And that means you have to be the one to decide. You can help your D see that abortion isn’t her only choice, if she’s worried she’d have no help and you’re willing to help she should know that, but please be careful. She has the weight of the world on her shoulders and I am sure doesnt need any help feeling guilty.</p>
<p>Where my DD went to HS, no obvious pregnancies (small school, high performing). Not to say that no one had discrete abotions.</p>
<p>My DDs Spanish tutor, a single mom, was heartbroken when her DD became pregnant. Very smart girl, now attending local, not very selective college, but on very good scholarship. The girl, by what her mom seems to say, seems to be doing OK. The mom, to me, seems a wreck. She is babysitting many hours, and, even though they get some help from the father and social services, it isnt easy.</p>
<p>Nothing important is ever simple or without repercussions. I think in this case, however, it is fairly clear. Your daughter is asking if you will continue to love and support her if she has an abortion. You can run through all the other scenarios in your mind, but she has obviously made her decision, and is just hoping against hope for your emotional support, regardless of your personal beliefs. I’m sorry, but your theoretical scenarios of how this could work out are really immaterial, although I understand they may be necessary for you to work this out. Will there be second thoughts for the rest of her life? possibly, but those could occur in any scenario.
Please tell your daughter that you will support her in her decision, and, as other posters have stated, consider yourself fortunate that she brought this to you.
I am sorry that you all are going through this.</p>
<p>Using two forms of birth control indicates this couple really does not want a child at this time.
I was older when I became pregnant while using birth control, but I used the back up birth control method, I had an first trimester termination, because I didn’t want the pregnancy.
Several years later my bf & I married and we now have two children.</p>
<p>Do you live in a state that requires parental consent for a TAB? Please support whatever decision your daughter makes. This will influence your relationship with her from now on. Think carefully. This is her decision.</p>
<p>I love this line from the movie, “Eat, Pray, Love…” (I don’t recall it from the book, but it may have been in there, as well.)</p>
<p>“Deciding to have a baby is pretty much like deciding to get a face tattoo. You need to be fully committed.”</p>
<p>I agree with this.</p>
<p>Adoption or Abortion, either one.</p>
<p>These are the two alternatives I would present to my own child in this situation. </p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>I hope you will support your daughter, whatever road she chooses to take. I don’t have anything else to add, I think everyone has said it all already.</p>
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<p>This decision cannot be compared to applying for college or deciding on a job. A baby is forever - it’s a choice that cannot be taken back, unlike most choices in life that can be altered or modified along the way. Wise parents know that the teen mother in this case is the one to live with this PERMANENT decision FOREVER, thus it MUST be her decision and a thoughtful parent can only offer guidance and support.</p>
<p>I have known three young women in this situation in the last 7 years or so. That is, of course, only the number I know of. In all three of these cases, the parents of the young women more or less raised the babies while the mothers were in college and then transitioned to maternal custody when the moms were on their feet. It involved huge sacrifice and a lot of pain, but I think they would all do it again, and all of the young mothers graduated and became self-sufficient very quickly. Of course, in this economy, who knows.</p>
<p>There is a girl from our high school that had twins shortly after she graduated from high school. She still lives at home and is in her junior year of college. She is fortunate that her mom is able to care for the twins while she goes to school but after that, it’s her responsibility to take care of the babies. It has certainly cut into her social life because she can’t pay a babysitter to go out but that is how it is when you are a parent. She is the only girl in 3 years at our high school that was pregnant in high school. The kids were pretty supportive of her but it was also a great life lesson for the kids seeing how little she got to do once those kids were born.</p>
<p>I also know of a girl that had twins WAY back when. She was a FRESHMAN when she had those babies, they are now in college themselves, actually one is in medical school the other in grad school. Similar arrangements with her parents as the girl above but again, she went through high school with very little social life because of her choice to keep the babies. She also went to college locally and is married and doing fine.</p>
<p>I don’t want to portray that this is the standard outcome of teen pregnancy but if the mom is responsible (not you mom, DD mom) and wants it badly enough, it can work out.</p>