<p>My story is the exact same one as Emeraldkity in post #34. My (then) boyfriend and I used birth control because we did not want a child. That’s why one uses birth control, right? When I got pregnant while using birth control, the decision to have an abortion was an easy one. This was 33 years ago. Since then we have had two children that were wanted children. </p>
<p>I do remember that for the first few years after the abortion I would think “my child would be “x” years old now”, but that passed. I had “what-ifs” but absolutely no regrets. </p>
<p>This decision needs to be made by your D and hopefully she will have your support when she makes her decision.</p>
<p>Why not look for a program like the SPROUT program at Baldwin Wallace in Ohio. This is a comprehensive residential program specifically designed for young mom’s so they have support to finish college as a young, single parent. Not sure if other colleges have something similar but I would think in this day and age there would be more of these types of programs out there. </p>
<p>This decision cannot be compared to applying for college or deciding on a job. A baby is forever - it’s a choice that cannot be taken back, unlike most choices in life that can be altered or modified along the way. Wise parents know that the teen mother in this case is the one to live with this PERMANENT decision FOREVER, thus it MUST be her decision and a thoughtful parent can only offer guidance and support.
…</p>
<p>And I completely agree that it is the girl’s decision to make. What I took exception to was the notion that the mom should blindly accept the decision without making sure the girl knew of all her choices. I’ve been following the ‘life skills’ thread in the parent’s forum. We have a lot of young adults who leave for college without some basic life skills - can’t boil water, can’t change the toilet paper roll, etc. So why assume that this young woman understands all of her options - if everyone’s standard response is ‘abortion’, and that’s all she’s heard, maybe she hasn’t fully considered other choices. Maybe she’s coming to her mom and saying “I think I want an abortion?” rather than “I have fully considered all my options and I’m prepared to get an abortion.” I just thought the responses saying to support her choice to get an abortion were premature, and that this mom WAS being a thoughtful parent trying to offer guidance.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say to support the daughter’s decision.</p>
<p>This is her life, and while the OP chose a different path, that was her choice for life. </p>
<p>Coercing the D to make the choice to keep the baby or carry through the pregnancy involves the D’ s body. If she keeps the baby, this will make her life much harder for her and take choices away from her. </p>
<p>This should should be D’s decision, and not a reflection on the OP because she made a different choice for herself.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all of the responses yet, but I’m going to throw in my experiences as a young woman. I have taken my best friend to get an abortion. She thought it would be difficult but she has had no long term side effects, emotional or physical, and it’s been three years now. I have another friend who had her first child shortly after high school graduation and just welcomed a second at 21. She finished her associates degree but I know she deeply regrets not going to a better college. She was an excellent student from a terrible family. But, she loves her sons and her husband. She always assumed would abort but couldn’t bring herself to do it. </p>
<p>Let your D go to PP where they can discuss all options with her. They’re very, very good, rational, and unbiased in my experience. </p>
<p>Personally, I believe it will be much harder on her to carry this to term and give it up than to abort. But that is me. Plus, pregnancies are very hard especially since she is going through the stress of senior year and all that. </p>
<p>Unless you live in a very conservative area, there is very little stigma of abortions. Plus, no one has to know. She could simply say she lost the baby if many people already know. It’s her business, not theirs.</p>
<p>And since it is her body and a choice she has to live with, I do think mom should support her decision either way. </p>
<p>Agree with those who say this MUST be your daughter’s decision as she will be living with it for the next 18+ years at the very least.</p>
<p>A few older kids from my Catholic elementary school ended up getting pregnant. The ones who opted to become parents ended up struggling to the point of dropping out of high school or college…especially after all their “loving” BFs left them once they found out about the pregnancy/not too long after birth. They are still struggling heavily while working dead-end minimum wage jobs or unemployed as a result of this economy and not having the education/skills. This has heavily impacted even the kids who ended up going to college as their mothers couldn’t help them with academic/financial issues as a result of their lack of education/decent paying jobs or any job in this economy. </p>
<p>One of their stories hit me pretty hard as she was my volunteer older peer afterschool counselor in elementary school and seemed to have had it all together. </p>
<p>Also, have a younger HS buddy who got his GF pregnant in his junior year of undergrad. Both ended up having to extend a year or few to their undergrad educations and their grades suffered heavily as a result of new parental responsibilities. Mainly his grades as he was less able to handle the emotional pressures than GF(now wife). </p>
<p>While they married and are still together to this day, it has been a severe emotional and financial struggle for the couple and their respective families. </p>
<p>Both members of the couple also have serious regrets as having the baby during undergrad meant the mother ended up having to give up her med school plans despite stellar grades and their parental responsibilities meant much less/no contact with HS/college friends. </p>
<p>Heck, we’re having problems keeping in touch despite having facebook…kids plus working multiple jobs to support them tends to do that despite our best efforts. And both of their families have been providing much support as they can.</p>
<p>You sound like a wonderful mom. I can only imagine how much emotion is flowing in your house, your hearts and your conversations. I hope you and your D can find someone to talk with who can offer an objective perspective. (and I hope you have someone you can turn to for your own emotional support)</p>
<p>She knows you love her and with your continued love and support, she can make it through this tough time in her life. </p>
<p>Here is our story - My best friends D got pregnant during her freshman year of college. Her BF was still a HS senior. They had been dating for 3 years and were very much in love. They decided to put the baby up for adoption. They ended up getting married and having 2 other children (now ages 7 & 10). Part of the adoption agreement was that annual photos would be exchanged through the attorneys office and that the birth mothers address would be made available to the adoptee upon her 18th birthday. That was 2 years ago. I met her this summer and she is an amazing young woman. She is now a college student, who with the emotional support of her adopted family, has become very close with her biological parents and most importantly developed a great relationship with her biological siblings.</p>
<p>OP, you said "And abortion doesn’t take the "what if"s away. Any woman who has even had a miscarriage will tell you they see kids that would be the child’s age & the "what if"s flood your mind immediately. "</p>
<p>I have to step in here. This is not true in all cases. I had an abortion. I can tell you, from me, personally…I have never once, not ever once, had the “what if” moment. I was already a mother of a 4 year old (a single mother at that!) and knew, without a doubt, that I was not going to do that again, and I adored my D (still do). My D knows I had an abortion (I told her when I felt she was old enough to understand what making choices means) and I just asked her…no, she never wonders about “what if I wasn’t an only child”…</p>
<p>I am really sorry you and your D are going through this experience, but as has been said over many posts, this is your D’s decision, her life that will forever be changed (by whatever decision she makes), and what she needs right now is your support emotionally in that decision. </p>
<p>Please do not pressure her to do what YOU think is the right thing to do. That is your agenda, not hers.</p>
<p>And worrying about the “what ifs” in life can be a crippling way to live. Really.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s a sad commentary on our society that the shame isn’t in having premarital sex, but in getting “caught” with a pregnancy. Your daughter didn’t do anything more than many of her classmates; she just got hit with the consequence. No one has the right to feel superior to her or give her a hard time.</p>
<p>And to answer your question, yes, I went to high school with a girl who had a baby senior year, then went on to graduate with her class. There was very little support for teen mothers back then. She did not go to college, because that was never in her plans to begin with. She gave her child up for adoption, then eventually went on to marry her BF. So it is possible if your daughter has the perseverance to get through this.</p>
<p>Ideally, she and her BF will find a family to adopt the baby, and then if necessary, she can take a gap year to recover some stability for herself.</p>
<p>I have to step in here. This is not true in all cases. I had an abortion. I can tell you, from me, personally…I have never once, not ever once, had the “what if” moment</p>
<p>I haven’t experienced that either.
If I hadn’t ended a pregnancy that I did not want, I wouldn’t have had the pregnancies ( & children) that I did.</p>
<p>It is perfectly fine and right to support your daughter’s decision, but it’s not fine to support a decision made with a lack of information. If she really thinks that abortion is the right answer, fine, but if she thinks that she has no other options, that is unacceptable.</p>
<p>"Is anyone else even remotely concerned about the long-term physical and emotional repercussions? What if she’s left unable to bear children because of the procedure? IDK there are so many risks and I truly feel like you are throwing a life away by aborting.</p>
<p>And abortion doesn’t take the "what if"s away. Any woman who has even had a miscarriage will tell you they see kids that would be the child’s age & the “what if"s flood your mind immediately.”</p>
<p>Physical and emotional repercussions of childbirth are far, far more intense than an abortion. Childbirth, especially for a young person, is risky. As far as a miscarriage, I am sad when I think about my second miscarriage, but both of them were right before I became pregnant with my sons, so I am grateful those births were not meant to be, and I don’t think about the kids that could have existed that were two months older than my sons! A pregnancy will change the trajectory of your daughter’s life forever, but much more so if she carries the baby to term.</p>
<p>I am an adopted child, but I was also very lucky to have a miscarriage at 14 that saved me from a lot of pain. As for the part about being ostracized, she will soon be away. No one in her college will know, and it won’t be a stigma. If she believes that abortion is the answer, then support her. For now, abortion in this country is safe and legal, much safer than childbirth in our country, especially among mothers under 18. And while everyone thinks adoption is a great option, it is a lifetime commitment as well. Her body may never be the same, and knowing your biological offspring is out there, is not necessarily an easy thing. </p>
<p>If there is a religious or moral objection then adoption is still on the table. If she doesn’t have those objections, then let her follow her gut, not the morals of other people. </p>
<p>I live in a town where 20 pregnancies are the norm in junior high and high school. The odds are not great for finishing, and the grandparents typically raise the children. It is not something that I would wish on another person.</p>
<p>^ agreed. I had an ectopic pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage a few months before becoming pregnant with our youngest son. With the exception of recalling the emergency surgery, I literally do not ever think of it.</p>
<p>OP, I think that any decision that is made will be difficult. While I think 17 years old is very young to be making a decision of this magnitude, it’s still one that is ultimately your daughters decision. The best thing for you to do is to make sure she has all the facts about the 4 options and then support her on whatever decision she makes.</p>
<p>I do believe that going to Planned parenthood might be a good idea- you both can hear the same information from an unbiased party.</p>