<p>A good friend was in your position: her daughter became pregnant in her senior year at college. In this particular case, the girl, the boyfriend and all parents involved did not consider abortion or adoption. When her daughter called with the news, my friend’s first words, after she got over the initial shock, was “you’re finishing college!”</p>
<p>And the girl did. As soon as she found out she was pregnant she spoke to her counselor, and her professors. Everyone was accommodating. Frankly - they understood. She gave birth in the early spring but completed all her classes, some through independent study. She returned to class toward the end of the semester. She took incompletes in a couple of classes, I believe, but finished them up by mid-summer. She was allowed to walk at graduation and brought the baby with her to the ceremony.</p>
<p>I’m just saying - it CAN be done. Of course, in this case the school was a customer-service-oriented LAC, and there was a lot of family support. But it sounds like your daughter has a lot of support too.</p>
<p>BTW, I’m not necessarily advocating keeping the baby. Abortion/adoption is a valid, and “right” answer for some women. I’m only addressing the question ‘could my daughter still finish college while pregnant in her senior year.’ And I believe the answer is 'yes."</p>
<p>*** Edit: OP, I’m sorry, I misunderstood your post. It appears your daughter is a senior in high school, right? In that case, that’s a whole different story than the one I addressed in this post. My apologies for the unintended nonsequitur.</p>
<p>I agree with those who suggest taking her to Planned Parenthood. She needs ALL of the options presented to her impartially. Planned Parenthood will do that.</p>
<p>As for keeping the baby, I grew up in a community with a very high teen pregnancy rate. None of the girls I knew who had a baby in High School graduated from a 4 year college. A few finished a 2 year program, but none a 4.</p>
<p>My cousin had a baby while she was in college. She had to transfer from her beloved private to a public near her Mom. It took 3 more years than it should but she did graduate. She’s still living at home, but she has a good job.</p>
<p>My co-worker’s daughter was not so lucky. She had twins her Sophomore year, never finished.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have an actual physician? She would be the source of best and completely unbiased information. There are actually other options.</p>
<p>First: I am sending virtual hugs to your family. </p>
<p>I have never had an abortion. But I know a few people who have had abortions. They were done for a variety of reasons. I will just say this: Women and men have fought very hard to insure that a woman has the right to choose. </p>
<p>Not one of my friends has regretted their decisions. Life is messy with hard decisions. Your daughter deserves the right (no matter what the decision is going to be) to shape her life. </p>
<p>Good luck and loving thoughts for all of you.</p>
Nope. I had 2 miscarriages and I don’t do this. Oftentimes miscarriages are our bodies way of identifying a nonviable or problematic pregnancy. I think more about if the child(ren) had been born with some impairment what my life might have been like, and find that quite sobering.</p>
<p>I do not know any young people that have completed college (a couple pregnant girls from S1’s class of 2007). They take a CC class here and then, but no, not a full load nor a degree yet. I do not know very many couples who married at age 18 who have a marriage that is still in tack. I know very few 18 year old males that have any interest in supporting a child when there are safe, non-invasive options to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. I do know two peers who legally adopted their daughter’s baby and raised it as there own, both told the child around age 8 that the “sister” was really the mother. OP, your D has choices that she can make but if she keeps the baby it is a game changer and a lifetime commitment as you well know. I would not count on the boyfriend’s family for support in any way over a long period of time especially if their son moves on and eventually marries. </p>
<p>The statistics are chilling - around 1.5% of teen mothers complete a college degree by age 30, which is only one of the chilling statistics regarding teen mothers. </p>
<p>Personally, if it was my daughter and I had been a pregnant teen, my interests would be in breaking that cycle. Unless your reasons for not talking to her about abortion are religious (and I would respect that as a rationale for not choosing abortion) you owe it to yourself to read up on what happens in this day and age, if she is within 9 weeks the options are non-invasive.</p>
<p>^^ Agree with Jym^^^ I was “lucky” enough to have a regular pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy at the same time-- oh joy - twins. “luckily” I had a miscarriage of the ‘normal’ pregnancy and then found out about the ectopic 10 days later when I went in for emergency surgery (where they surmised that I had been bleeding internally for at least a week). 16 years later, when I think about this time in my life, I think that I was lucky to have survived.</p>
<p>Not all bad things that happen to you cause bad memories.</p>
<p>my niece was pregnant at 18’ right out of high school. She kept her baby, and lived at home with her parents. I remember her coming over to our house with her 4 month old son…frazzled and tired. I remember her saying to my 14 year old daughter at the time…“don’t do what I did”. I remember hugging her and thanking her for her advice to my daughter.
She always babysat and loved kids. But the reality of being an 18 year old single mom and living at home is not paradise! The effect her decision had on my brothers family was huge. The effect of everyone dealing with this unexpected baby left my young nephew in a bad mental state. He was 11 at the time and the drama in their house left him a changed depressed kid with lots of problems.
Just a reminder that this decision will effect more people than just the mother and the
baby.
Ultimately…you should not raise a baby if you cannot nurture it on your own. Relying on grandparents or government to support the finances of raising your child is just not right.
My brother paid for the first 4 years of is grandson’s life…and still, 8 years later sends $ for his support. They are far from rich, and these unexpected expenses have affected the plans for their retirement etc.
Obviously, this is not an easy decision…hugs to you all. I believe this is why abortion is a private decision. It is up to the pregnant woman to make the final decision. I made that decision when i was in college. So glad I had the legal right to do it. So glad I did it, as I went on to finish college, meet the right guy, and have a great life and a beautiful wanted child. No regrets at all.</p>
<p>Hugs to the OP. I will join the chorus to support your dd in her decision as hard as that might be. All this conversations makes me glad that there are options for people as we all have different values and concerns. I hope all our options are available in the future.</p>
<p>This is a problem that has no good solution. No matter what choice a young woman makes, there will be some unhappiness.</p>
<p>Sometimes, the choice of not continuing the pregnancy is the least-worst alternative. The procedure, unless performed in late pregnancy, is not a particularly difficult one. And although there may be some regrets, there can also be regrets – sometimes, much stronger ones – associated with placing a child for adoption. And the third option – that of raising the child – changes the young woman’s life drastically and permanently.</p>
<p>We are all hardwired to try to perpetuate our genes into future generations. For this reason, I think that there is a deep instinctive reluctance to help with or condone the termination of a pregnancy that could have resulted in the birth of a grandchild. But sometimes it may be necessary to overcome that reluctance so that the young woman can make the decision that’s best for her own future.</p>
<p>I knew of two classmates in HS who got pregnant. One was the 3rd-ranked student our senior year, on a path to an Ivy and medical school. She got married, graduated early and as far as I know, that was the end of her education. Last I heard, she was still married. The other girl didn’t even remain with the boyfriend and lived at home while taking college courses. She did get a degree and I ended up working with her when we were in our late 20’s. She had to jump through all kinds of hoops to be able to work FT and her son was a latchkey kid.</p>
<p>My 22 yo D has friends who have gotten pregnant. One quit college to raise her child and is happy as a clam because she hated college and was mostly partying. She says it saved her life. The other is in local CC, nothing near what she is capable of, but she has help from her mom watching the baby and the boyfriend, who is older, is helping support her and his child. It’s HARD, though, and despite many plans, D and her never get together because she is always busy with either school or the baby. She has no outside life. The other got pregnant the summer before college and had an abortion. She did well her first year and though she has pangs of regret, she knows she did the right thing. The boyfriend was completely opposed to having kids and was seeing new people weeks after the girl left for school. They don’t even speak now.</p>
<p>BUT-those are stories-you are you and your D is herself. What other people experienced can’t really resolve your issues. I don’t know anyone who thinks 17 yo’s make ideal parents. But they are also, in most states, allowed to decide for themselves whether to BE parents. I don’t think forcing motherhood on anyone is ever a good idea. Unless you are prepared to raise your grandchild, I would suggest supporting your D. It’s what I would do. I am working and I still have a 12 yo at home and I live in a small house with no extra room. I would not be ready to raise a grandchild and that it what I would tell my D. </p>
<p>If you want your D to continue with college plans, then you be ready to support her financially and physically while she does so. But under no circumstances would I suggest you force any decision on her-it will likely cause a lifelong breach between you. I wish you luck. No one wants to be in your shoes.</p>
<p>I would like to put in a word for adoption as an option.</p>
<p>Obviously, the decision is your daughter’s to make. Also, it is true that carrying a baby to term is not as safe for your daughter as abortion, especially at this stage. There can be complications of childbirth. On the other hand, the odds of problems are not so high as to be prohibitive.</p>
<p>As noted, many states do offer open adoptions, so that the biological parent can keep track of the child, and see how the child is doing–and then eventually meet the child.</p>
<p>There are so many couples in the US who are struggling with infertility, but who have stable homes and are truly ready for a child. I know a number of people who would have been absolutely delighted to adopt the child of two high-school-aged parents. So many tears are shed by couples who have a hard time conceiving. This is especially true for couples in their mid- to late thirties, who have waited for career stability before trying to start a family. If your daughter looks at this situation as an opportunity to multiply the love in the world, she might view it differently. </p>
<p>I am not a radical Right to Lifer. No picketing. But I do think life is precious. And I think that there are wonderful potential parents out there, who would like to adopt a child without a trip to Kazhakstan (literally).</p>
<p>Just make sure you discuss all possible options with your daughter so that she never has to think that she didn’t make an informed choice or that you steered her in one direction or another.</p>
<p>I would like to offer my best wishes to you and your daughter, as well as tell you how proud you should be that your daughter came to you. Whatever decision she makes will have medical consequences and it is so much better that you will know what she is dealing with and be able to make sure she is cared for properly. You are clearly an incredible mother.</p>
<p>Coming back to the OP’s question, she is not asking what we think her daughter should do, but rather
All of us have our own personal opinions on this sensitive subject, but it is delightful that this sensitive and potentially highly charged topic has been discussed here in a respectful fashion. I am also impressed by how many have been willing to share their personal experiences and choices.</p>
<p>So, to address the question, while I cannot put myself in the OP’s shoes, as I do not have daughters and my s’s have, to my knowledge, not faced this predicament, one way to cope is for the OP to seek some supportive therapy/counseling for herself so that she can deal with her own feelings asn well as be able to support her daughter and maintain the bond they clearly have.</p>
<p>Grandma can take a kid and D. can go to college, if it is OK with everybody.<br>
I was in school earning my BS + MBA while working full time. I was (and still am) married, but our S. grew up with us somehow, we did not have anybody, not a single family member with us. I went to school for about 7 years, but during last few our S. was in college himself and I convince my H. to do so also. We did not need our MBA’s at all, we got them ONLY because various employers were paying for them. However, it is not the point. The point is that everything is possible. People have kids in Med. School, which is way way harder and not flexible in regard to schedule. It just requires planning and support and lots of time managment.<br>
Adoption is so hard on the biological mother. I cannot advise on that one, I would never ever give up a kid for adoption, I would not be able to live in peice after, but, everybody is different. So, there are various options and family needs to determine which one is the best for them.</p>
“luckily” I had a miscarriage of the ‘normal’ pregnancy and then found out about the ectopic 10 days later when I went in for emergency surgery (where they surmised that I had been bleeding internally for at least a week). 16 years later, when I think about this time in my life, I think that I was lucky to have survived.</p>