<p>I am sad to hear so many people say they could not give up a baby for adoption. It is truly one of the most selfless things you can do. My friend adopted a D through an open adoption. The birth mother, although challenged in many ways, knew she could not care for another baby and so opted to give her up. It was an open situation so my friend was in the delivery room at birth. There are periodic updates and photos. The birth mother can clearly see now that her birth D has had opportunities that she never would have had otherwise.</p>
<p>While adoption must be painful for the birth mother, so is abortion and so is trying to go to class and arrange care for an infant and give up a semblance of a normal college experience.</p>
<p>Re the post by romanigypsyeyes: It is true that there are many children in foster care who need homes. </p>
<p>On the other hand, I am not sure what the current situation on trans-racial adoption is. A good friend of mine (who is Caucasian) and her spouse (a Caucasian of Lebanese origin, but an American citizen) attempted to adopt a child who was half Lebanese and half African-American. The adoption was not approved, because it was considered trans-racial. They eventually adopted a child from Korea. </p>
<p>Some of the children in foster care have serious emotional issues, which the adoptive parents might not be ready to handle (particularly in an older child)–and the social services agencies are not necessarily honest with the prospective parents about this. Some have health issues that the parents are not informed about. I don’t fault the prospective parents who would prefer not to grapple with these issues unless they had to. </p>
<p>Some of the children in foster care need to be placed with brothers and sisters, and that poses a special challenge of its own. Some prospective parents are not ready to start with a child who is already a teenager.</p>
<p>Some of the families who delayed child-rearing have strong academic/career achievement orientations and may not be considered as a suitable placement family for a child with learning disabilities (even though they would be happy to adopt and work with the child).</p>
<p>Blessings on everyone who does adopt a child in foster care! But I don’t fault people for whom this is not really a workable solution to childlessness.</p>
<p>We need to respect what others feel not matter what. People cannot change the way they feel, it is not up to them…My life would be pretty much finished if I give up my kid, but others might not feel this way. Nobody can force anything on others. Yes, whatever HS girl decided, needs to be treated with utmost respect. This is a decision that she will have to live for the rest of her life, if anybody else will push their decision on her, it might destroy her, if not right away…later on…</p>
<p>^And so is attending the rest of the school year as the pregnant girl in high school. (in response to surfcity’s post)</p>
<p>She should not be made to feel guilty for not going through with the pregnancy. Whether she chooses adoption, abortion, or to keep the child–her Mom and those around her should respect HER decision.</p>
<p>That’s just it. I agree it’s selfless, but most people aren’t that selfless. I couldn’t give up my baby for adoption. There are lots of things that are selfless that I couldn’t do. I couldn’t give up my entire life in the US, sell all my possessions and move to Africa to help HIV orphans. I couldn’t give away all my money and live a life of austere privation. People devote their entire lives to selfless pursuits, but I couldn’t, and neither, I suspect, could anyone else here.</p>
<p>I don’t require of myself that level of selflessness. It doesn’t bother me that I’m not Mother Teresa. And it doesn’t bother me one whit that I didn’t choose the adoption route. Not one whit. In fact, if I had placed a baby for adoption, I’m quite sure I’d have a lifetime of regret, however misplaced, just like many other women who have placed their babies for adoption.</p>
<p>I think that it is definitely the daughter’s decision to make. The OP will have to acquiesce to it, even if it is not her preferred option. She should of course continue to offer her daughter unconditional love and support. However, I don’t think she has to respect the decision, if it is not in accord with her values.</p>
<p>^perhaps not agree with her decision, but respect the fact that she has the right to make the decision she feels is best for her. Also, she needs to not “throw it in her face” for the rest of her life just because she doesn’t like the decision the daughter made.</p>
<p>It would break my heart if one of my kids placed a child for adoption. Guilting this poor child into carrying the pregnancy is cruel. Let the parents waiting to adopt be selfless and have them take a harder to place child.
Many women have found themselves in this situation and have gone on to finish school, marry at the right time for them, and raise very much loved and desired children. Please do not make it harder for your daughter to follow through on her choice.</p>
<p>Right. Which is why I think it’s important that she learn about other options so she never feels that she made a mistake because she didn’t make an informed decision.</p>
<p>The OP described her dau as a high achieving, college bound girl. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she is well aware of all her options and will be making a fully informed and thought out decision.</p>
<p>Well if the mom said she thinks abortion is her only option, which she did, perhaps the stress of the situation is getting to her and she could use some support and information from mom or a doctor or another trusted adult. She’s still a kid.</p>
<p>Edited to add: even if she knows in her soul that her mom loves her and always will, it’s probably good for mom to repeat often that her daughter will always have her love and support.</p>
<p>Its quite possible mom is paraphrasing what her dau thinks/feels/said. Its likely this was only a recent discovery (the pregnancy) and has thrown quite a monkeywrench in their plans.</p>
<p>Oh I bet you’re right Jym. God bless them both. But with so much love and communication between mom and daughter, I’m sure they will come out ok on the other side.</p>
<p>To go back to the OP’s question, I have advised two undergraduates, both honors students at the large, public research university where I teach, who became pregnant during college, while unmarried. One was a junior, who became pregnant during an internship. I believe the man was married–in any event, they would not be getting married. The student graduated from college (science major) and has done well subsequently. The other student I knew became pregnant during freshman year in college. I am not sure whether she graduated or not. </p>
<p>I have had a number of single mothers in the classes I teach. I generally find out about it either during finals week, when the schedules are thrown off and that affects childcare arrangements, or occasionally when I allow extra time for a midterm (announced in advance), and the student wants to take advantage of it, but it conflicts with childcare arrangements. I have always worked something out for the student. These students are also succeeding.</p>
<p>There is no question, though, that it is very difficult for them. And I doubt that they are doing as well as they would have, if they had not needed to balance studies and childcare.</p>
<p>One of my high school classmates eloped at 15, and we generally predicted that this would turn out poorly. However, the couple has stayed together all of these years (close to 45 now), and they have grandchildren–born at a time when spouse and I still had a child in elementary school. The couple wound up moving next door to my parents.</p>
<p>Not to be excessively judgmental, but I actually don’t understand the viewpoint of someone who could not give a baby up for adoption, but would choose abortion during the pregnancy instead. My view is perhaps affected by the fact that my father-in-law was adopted.</p>