<p>Zoose, is so right. No matter what happens, D needs to know that she has mom’s love and support. It’s critical to hear that out loud.</p>
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I can understand what that poster was saying/feeling. I have several relatives who are adopted. I think its wonderful that they were (though one is a piece of work but thats another story). Anyway, I cannot imagine, if I were to carry a child to term, having the strength to give it up for adoption. I have great respect for those who can. Not saying that pregnancy termination is an easy decision, but can imagine that it might be easier (for lack of a better word) than giving up a child.</p>
<p>I do not want to turn this conversation into a pro life/pro choice debate, so will end with that.</p>
<p>I believe Sylvia Hewlett writes about this phenomenon in one of her books. Sometimes women who intend to terminate, or who are willing to terminate after prenatal testing don’t bond with their fetuses. She writes about women who intend to have amniocentesis reporting fetal movement later than those who don’t plan on prenatal testing. Women who carry a baby to term usually bond. I think I am correct about the author’s name.</p>
<p>I am another who could imagine supporting a child in deciding to terminate, but never imagine my grandchild being raised by someone else. However, I am in a position that I could take on any necessary child rearing responsibilities. I could raise the grandchild for my child if she so chose. I can’t be pregnant for her or go through delivery for her though.</p>
<p>Good luck OP. This is difficult.</p>
<p>edit: I have several close friends who have adopted after infertility. I am sure I don’t understand all their pain, although much of it has been shared. They are some of my best friends but I wouldn’t give them my grandchild if the circumstances arose.</p>
<p>another thought: Right now the decision can be what is best for your daughter and the rest of her life. If she gives birth, the focus has to immediately shift to what is best for the infant, regardless how your daughter is impacted. At least, that is my opinion.</p>
<p>I watched an episode of 16 and pregnant, the episode where the young woman gave the baby up for adoption. The most gut wrenching/horrible thing to watch. Of course she was all set to give baby up… but then, the baby was born… and she got to see this little beautiful baby that she carried for 9 months… which was a game changer. I have never cried so much, she was heart broken and so was the father… and that show stayed with me for a few days… and to make matters worse, she had to hand the baby off, not in the hospital, but on a street corner because of the hospitals rules which I can’t remember now b/c this is going back 3 years now. </p>
<p>So to say that you can give up a baby… after carrying it in your womb for 9 months like its so easy… well, it isn’t. And it takes a VERY mature mother to do so… such a selfless act that I know I could never do!!</p>
<p>This is the exact reason why I talk to dd14 about the problems that sexual intimacy brings… and that its best to wait. No young woman should have to make these kinds of decisions… so sad…</p>
<p>What does the research say about women who are pregnant and planning to place their child for adoption, versus women who are pregnant and planning to keep the baby?</p>
<p>I think the issue for me is, if I were pregnant and planning to place the child for adoption, I’d either be thinking: this is not my child… and why am I going through all this crap for someone else’s kid, OR this is my baby… how can I possibly give it away? </p>
<p>If I thought abortion was murder, then I’d have an easy answer for why I was going through this crap: because the alternative is murder, and I’m not a murderer. But if I didn’t think abortion was murder, then I’d wonder why I was going through this crap. And I’d go off to Planned Parenthood and get an abortion.</p>
<p>I suspect, though, that if I chose to continue the pregnancy, planning to place my child for adoption, I’d be on the other side of the dilemma. I’d bond with my child, and find myself unable to surrender it for adoption.</p>
<p>^^ But fortunately women have the RIGHT to make these decisions. Let us not forget that.</p>
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<p>Wow…didn’t know that you know how every woman would feel about that particular situation.</p>
<p>:rolleyes:</p>
<p>I hope that what I am about to type will be helpful to you. I was not raised in the upper middle class so my experiences with teen pregnancy are a lot more close to home than a lot of others posters on this thread.</p>
<p>To begin, my mother had my older brother at the age of 16. No, she did not finish high school, and no, she did not get the opportunity to go to college. At age 18, she had my older sister. A few years later she met my father and then they had me and my little brother. Things have been a struggle but I don’t really believe that my siblings and I have been so horribly deprived because of this situation. Yes, some times have been hard, but this is really more due to my parents’ personal vices rather than having children early. However, overall I felt that I had a good childhood, and my older brother, the one born to her at 16, has a CS degree and makes good money working in his field. He has a wonderful wife, two cats, and a planned-for son that is adored by the whole family.</p>
<p>My sister’s situation is a little bit more complicated, and that’s where this hits even closer to home. My sister is learning disabled and has a lot of problems with impulsive behavior. My mother went through hell and back to try to get my sister on track but she was just one of those kids that just didn’t get it. She was pregnant at 15, miscarried, ran away from home at 16, and got pregnant again. Really, I think a lot of this stemmed from her learning disability, and I doubt that she would’ve graduated high school even if she had avoided getting pregnant. She had another child at 20 and is now pregnant with her third in her late 20s, though she has never been independently able to support her children. I don’t agree with how she chooses to live her life but I do know that her girls are loved and cared for, never go hungry, and that my sister is a caring, wonderful mother who just doesn’t make the best choices and has a lot working against her. </p>
<p>Additionally, many of my friends came from a similar background to mine and there were more than a couple early mothers in the bunch. A couple of my friends were never really on the straight and narrow so it wasn’t surprising to me that they struggled even more as mothers. </p>
<p>Another friend was quite bright, and much like your daughter, got pregnant during her senior year of high school. Her childhood was very complicated but she had a very stable relationship and made the decision to keep the baby. She lived with her mother for a couple of years, but graduated both high school and college on time, has a degree in political science, and is working on becoming a paralegal. Her travels a hard road but her son is articulate, bright, and funny, and she loves having him even though her life is not easy. She and his father are still together.</p>
<p>I hope some young people (high schoolers/teens in college) are reading this thread. </p>
<p>The unintended consequences of unmarried sex before one is prepared to deal with the consequences is risky. Even if this young lady really wanted to keep/raise this baby, she’s not prepared to do so.</p>
<p>I’m so very sorry to read what you’re going through, OP. At the same time, I selfishly am rejoicing that I have not had to deal with such a thing. Several members here have generously and genuinely shared their experiences with you; I hope that helps you through this process. I wonder if I were in this position what I would do. As empty nesters, I don’t believe (but can’t say for sure) that my husband and I would be interested in raising another child. I hope you and your DD can come together and come to a resolution that will be best for all involved. Hugs to you!</p>
<p>mom2collegekids:</p>
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<p>Shrug. It didn’t give me nightmares. Sounds like it didn’t give Consolation nightmares either. I realize anecdotes aren’t data, but gut feelings from someone who hasn’t been in the situation are even less persuasive.</p>
<p>So if your D is now pregnant, she just started her senior year of HS right? So if she keeps the baby she will be a pregnant hs senior and possibly a new mom college freshman. I missed the part about how much support the OP/grandma is ready to provide. Raise grandchild while D goes off to college? Move to college to provide babysitting/nanny services while D attends classes? I have seen it work, but it requires a huge commitment from everyone. </p>
<p>When I was in HS, at one point I noticed that the girl sitting next to me in homeroom was about 9 months pregnant. (I was fairly oblivious then too) I don’t know what happened to her.</p>
<p>i know I couldn’t take on raising a baby at my age (60). If someone else feels differently, fine.</p>
<p>I’m in my mid 40s and have two daughters. One is in college and one is done. If the older one had gotten pregnant, my husband and I would have raised the baby while she finished school. If she had confided in me, I would have encouraged her to have the baby because I know that abortion would be against her faith. If younger one got pregnant and asked, I would suggest abortion as her least worst alternative. But we would raise the baby if she chose to keep it.</p>
<p>OP has not said how many weeks pregnant her D is. Consultation with a physician, pronto, is the first order of business no matter which way her daughter is leaning. If she is talked into continuing the pregnancy she needs prenatal care and advice. On the other hand, any delay getting her to a health provider on moms part is the same as steering her D to a decision, as her options decrease with the passing days.</p>
<p>I have not read more than the first page of replies. As the mother of a 20 yr old, my heart breaks for you and your daughter. Although it would not be the right choice for me, I fully support a woman’s right to choose. I had two close friends who had abortions in high school/college. One of them seemed to have no issues at first, but then had major post partum depression and post traumatic stress syndrome caused by the guilt she felt over the abortion. She is married to the father of the baby she aborted and has been in and out of therapy for the past 25 years. My other friend was an emotional wreck for years after her abortion, dropped out of college the following year and was lost for several years. She finally met a great guy and when he asked her to marry him, she told him about the abortion. Together they told her parents and she was much more at peace after that. She married and eventually had 3 children. She also went to counseling for a while before she got married and then again when she was trying to get pregnant with her first, but has been fine for the past 15 years. </p>
<p>I tell you these stories because so many people seem to think that you have an abortion and then go on with your life as if nothing happened. Maybe it is that way for some women, but not for the women I know. It is not a decision to be taken lightly and I urge you to get your daughter counseling before and after she makes her decision, whatever she decides. Please know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
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<p>Well, I am “a person” who has been in that situation and it didn’t give me nightmares, so your statement that it would is not true. It’s very simple. I don’t claim to speak for everyone. If you had chosen to say that you think it would give YOU nightmares, that would be reasonable. </p>
<p>Wow, yourself.</p>
<p>fishymom, I would just point out to you that it is likely that you actually know far more women than those two who have had abortions. The likelihood is that for those for whom it was the right decision you simply don’t know about it.</p>
<p>^^Very true consolation, very true. OP It is wonderful that your D actually told you about this. Unless you live in a very restrictive state it is not difficult to terminate a pregnancy if that is what a woman chooses. As a mother, it is my opinion that it is your job to let her make whatever decision she makes and hopefully for you to be supportive of that decision. My mother said that to me a thousand times between high school and the day of my marriage at 28. If she is 18 she may not need your consent and depending on your state, if under 18 she may need your consent. I second the advice to send her to Planned Parenthood, they do a wonderful job of counseling without pushing any particular agenda all across the country.</p>
<p>Consolation, you are correct, I do know several more women who have had abortions, I just relayed the stories of the ones who were approximately the age of the OP’s daughter. I do believe that my friends who had abortions as grown women were more comfortable in knowing it was the right decision for them. I think it is a different decision when you are 25+ than when you are a teenager.</p>
<p>^ By the time I was in my mid 20s, many and in fact most of my friends had had an abortion at some point in the preceding decade. None of us had mental breakdowns or other problems because of it.</p>