<p>Just heard from a friend whose D is a HS SR & attends elite prep school in HI. A HS senior there just gave birth to a baby. She told everyone she got pregnant to hang onto BF, but he broke up anyway. She had the baby the other day–was asked not to return to school after Christmas break. Friend is very sad that this mom’s logic is so flawed and that BF & she will be supporting this baby for the next few decades, among other issues. Both the male & female in the couple showed very poor judgment and of course, the baby is the victim. :(</p>
<p>Well, not that this makes it any better, but there is always that chance that she didn’t really MEAN to get pregnant and out of embarrassment for their mistake she tried to save face by making it sound like she did it on purpose-- maybe that was easier for her to face than reality. Wouldn’t be the first time someone reacted that way, particularly not a child. I know some young women who have risen out of unfortunate circumstances such as these to become really great mothers, so hopefully she will turn out to be one of those parents, and the dad, too.</p>
<p>The baby is the victim? I think he or she is the big beneficiary.</p>
<p>The baby is the victim because this is a poor way to start off in the world. I wish these young people would consider putting this child up for adoption. They (the parents) sound like they are children themselves. This is when extended family needs to step up and really supply support.</p>
<p>Why was the girl asked not to return to school? Shouldn’t this be her decision?</p>
<p>“BF & she will be supporting this baby for the next few decades”</p>
<p>Will they? It sounds like the grandparents will be supporting the baby at least for now, since Mom isn’t even finishing high school.</p>
<p>“I wish these young people would consider putting this child up for adoption.”</p>
<p>More of them would if the grown-ups in the mix refused to enable this kind of idiotic decision-making.</p>
<p>I’ve seen this sort of thing quite a bit–it may be uncommon in prep schools, but not in inner cities, rural areas.
Let’s hope things turn out OK, and that the mom is able to finish her education. It sounds like the grandparents are in a position to help–assuming they are fairly well off if they were paying for private school. </p>
<p>While I would be extremely upset/disappointed if my D got pregnant in high school, I would still help her to make the best of the situation in any way I could. I wouldn’t call it enabling.</p>
<p>Can the young woman return to public school and graduate in June?</p>
<p>My niece was got pregnant at 16 and my sister took a hard line that she was going to finish school and finish school on time. She gave birth during regents week, returned to school on Feb 1 for the new term (with an elevator pass and and being medically excused from gym). Her parents paid for child care, while she was in school and told her that all of her college options would have to be local since she had a child to raise. She graduated on time, went to college, locally parents paid for child care. She graduated college, gainfully employed and grew up to be a great parent.</p>
<p>Parents have to pull together and let young woman know that she has to move forward, with our without this young man because she has a life and a child dependent upon her.</p>
<p>I really don’t know any more of the story than I heard the other day. This is a rare occurence at prep school and I’m not sure that the school has guidelines for this situation. At private schools, they have a lot of latitude about whether they allow students to return to school or ask them to leave. </p>
<p>I feel babies are victims (rather than beneficiaries) when the parents make immature decisions and the baby is born into the confused and messy situation. The mom could turn out to be a great mom, but it will likely be awkward for the dad since they’ve broken up. At this point, the mom has not completed her HS, is not currently attending school, has no HS degree or equivalent. My D was forced to leave her prep school after JR year due to numerous absences for medical issues & got a GED & started CC, followed by a transfer to her dream U, so yes, I know there are paths open to this young person–GED, public HS options and others. </p>
<p>I have no idea about any college plans or how she intends to care for the baby (or have it cared for while she attends school). I also have no idea what resources will be available to help either the young mom or new baby. I don’t know the families involved and hope that the baby is either adopted into a nurturing, stable home or someone in the mix provides the baby such an environment. Some people attend prep schools on significant FAid and their families do NOT have much in the way of financial resources while others do have resources and pay out of pocket; there is considerable variability.</p>
<p>Did the young man get kicked out too?</p>
<p>I hope:
The baby will do well despite this tough start
The public doesn’t have to pay for yet another unmarried teens baby
and other teens around her will learn from her story and not rush sex and possible pregnancies.</p>
<p>I really don’t know any more about the circumstances of the young parents, baby or anything else. The young dad SHOULD have been asked to leave the HS, IMHO, but I have no idea whether this happened, tho I doubt it (old double-standard is probably still alive & well). The friend who shared the info with me didn’t mention anything about consequences for the dad other than that he DID break up with the mom as he had planned to. She didn’t know all that much either, as her D is not close to the mom or former couple.</p>
<p>Jeesh–this school sounds like the 1970s…</p>
<p>I see what HIMOM means about the old doublestandard- 2 choose to have sex, but 1 chooses to keep the baby. So one who cannot make a decision is forced to pay for the other’s decision.
Yes, its unfair. But it happens. I don’t know what would make it more fair; only 1 actually carries the baby in gestation.</p>
<p>Is that the doublestandard you meant, Himom?</p>
<p>I don’t necessarily think the child will suffer. My best friend in high school had a baby at 16. She and her boyfriend got married 2 years later … their child is now a man, and they raised him to be a very fine man. </p>
<p>My S’s good friend’s GF had a baby last year (she was a sophomore in high school at the time, the dad was a junior). I don’t think that baby could be more loved. The families help, and the dad is a great dad. He works after school & on weekends, and he pays support. He spends lots of time with his daughter, and he absolutely adores her. That child has a great life.</p>
<p>Is this what I would want for my S (or D)? No. Is this what my S would want for himself? NO WAY!!! He sees how hard it is, and how much the young couple is missing out on. But the bottom line is, the child is NOT a victim in any sense of the word.</p>
<p>And kicking the girl out of school is a trip … even in the mid 70’s, girls were allowed to stay in school while pregnant & return after the baby was born.</p>
<p>It’s great that the kids in your scenarios were loved and wanted. This particular baby was just wanted by the young mom in a vain attempt to keep BF, who broke up anyway. Hard to see how this baby is not a victim of poor choices by the young mom & young ex-BF. Will this baby be raised with lots of love & in a good, stable home environment? Time will tell whether the young father and young mom will meet their obligations to the baby as those in your scenarios have.</p>
<p>Hey, the competing private prep school kicked my D out of their school because of excessive absences and left her to fend for herself after junior year. That competing school also kicked out a scholarship kid caught stealing from the bookstore & then readmitted him a year later (after he attended a year at public HS & apologized), so he could graduate with his SR class.</p>
<p>Let me assure you that none of the young people in my 2 stories got into their predicament on purpose … they didn’t WANT a baby. However, once the baby came, they all made the best of the situation. By choosing to keep the babies, the moms made a decision … the dads had to come along for the ride, as happens in these cases. What I am saying is that it CAN and DOES work out. If the girl is in a prep school, I doubt money is an issue (although that may be presumptuous), so that stress is at least alleviated. But it often all works out.</p>
<p>My cousin had a baby when she was 18 & gave the baby up for adoption. She knew that was the best choice for her. She’s in her 40’s & a great mom … I am sure if she had chosen to keep her first child, things would have worked out. I think it’s great that she did what she felt was best. Again, though, keeping a child isn’t always detrimental for the child, even when the child was unplanned.</p>
<p>My mom got pregnant with my older sister when she was 16 and attending a private school, and she had to leave and couldn’t come back. Father didn’t have to because he’d graduated, but if he hadn’t he would not have been asked to leave-- and if my mom had decided not to keep the baby and so much as a rumor got out, she probably still would have been kicked out-- she didn’t have a choice there that dad wouldn’t have had, that wasn’t the way that worked. But in the end it turned out to be a good thing that they made her leave. She transferred to the public school, and a bunch of the classes that were required at the private translated into honor credits at the public and she was able to graduate a semester early in time to deliver. She didn’t go to college, but no one in my family did back then-- her sister was valedictorian the year before and even she didn’t go. Things were hard but she did really, really well. The only mistake she made was marrying the father, which ultimately led to divorce because he was a drunk and an abuser. She married my dad a few years later. People really like to villify teen moms, but once a teenage girl gets pregnant NO choice she makes anymore will ever truly redeem her-- if she keeps it, she will be criticized, if she gives it up for adoption she will STILL be criticized even if the former group forgives her, and if she gets rid of it altogether-- well, I think you know she’d be criticized then. They’re really in a hard situation and while it’s a shame they made a mistake, I think you have to forgive them that and let the families decide together what is best. I know a lot of very successful families that started out with a teen mom, it can certainly be done if mom is prepared to do what is necessary. And at this point, it does them no good to have hostility coming at them from all sides-- if she has a newborn with her at home now I am sure she is overwhelmed enough without society’s help.</p>
<p>I agree that it makes it hard for the young mom, no matter what she decides. We have some friends who married in haste so their kids would be born “in wedlock.” It has worked out OK for both of the couples, but has had its rough spots. I did not mean to villify anyone with this thread, just thought I would air an issue that I see as tough for everyone involved–baby, young parents, and extended family.</p>