Preparing BFF for Widowhood

Parent Cafe
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<p>My BFF’s husband has recently received a very troubling diagnosis and will be undergoing serious surgical procedures in the near future. She was venting to me over lunch today about her fears of losing him, going on without him, etc. I learned that she doesn’t know much about their financial affairs–insurance, investments, even the location of his will. I’m stunned that she is so unaware/uninformed. She’s going to need help locating documents and information related to his/their personal affairs. She knows she will need to have some understandably difficult conversations with her husband, who has always been “in charge”. He is, I’m afraid, focusing on his own situation—his health, his mortality, etc. and won’t take the lead role in these discussions…Her friends and her sister, who lives on the other side of the country, are going to have to walk her through all of this…</p>

<p>What does she need? What information should she have prior to his surgery? What conversations should she have with him? Some of it is obvious to me, but I’m sure much of it is not.</p>

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<ol>
<li>What accounts do they have? </li>
<li>Is there any life insurance? What companies? Where are the policies?</li>
<li>Where is his will? Who is his lawyer?</li>
<li>Does he have a medical power of attorney? Who is in charge if he can’t make decisions for himself?</li>
<li>What are his desires for a funeral?</li>
</ol>

<p>And then your friend should give her DH a big hug and tell him that none of this is necessary; it’s just in case.</p>

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<p>She should find out where their financial information is held. That includes bank accounts as well as insurance. If she doesn’t have a POA she may want to look into it.</p>

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<p>What are his passwords for his computers? My BFF lost her husband several years ago after a long illness. His laptop contained all their family photos. She had a hard time hacking into the computer and wished she’d asked for the passwords while he was alive.</p>

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<p>What are his passwords for his computers? My BFF lost her husband several years ago after a long illness. His laptop contained all their family photos. She had a hard time hacking into the computer and wished she’d asked for the passwords while he was alive.</p>

<p>Good idea.
A friend lost her husband a few months ago suddenly ( he was barely 60) & his online accounts & his computers have passwords that she has no idea what they are.</p>

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<p>A tough question: Does he have any online bank accounts that she doesn’t know about? If he dies without telling her, she may never even know there’s money somewhere.</p>

<p>Location of deed to the house and/or rental agreement, titles to vehicles. </p>

<p>Is there a safe deposit box? Where is it, and where is the key?</p>

<p>My thoughts are with her at this difficult time.</p>

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<p>You have some good advice here. I think conferring with an attorney would help set priorities when health/time may be limited. It is important to have a power of attorney, be able to continue paying bills, know where tax records are, know if there are safety deposit boxes, where the deed to property is, and have a will that reflects current wishes and circumstances. It may make sense to assess what is in whose name with attorney- adding spouse’s name might make some things easier-tax implications might also be relevant here.
Your friend is lucky to have you and others in her corner. It will make a huge difference.</p>

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<p>Before all else… sign all the releases for medical information. Wow the computer password is a good idea…I have all the records, photos…everything and I don’t know if my H knows the password! Good thoughts here. But start with the medical releases…</p>

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<p>Also, start setting some money aside in cash or open a checking account in her name. Sometimes things like the checking account aren’t as fluid while they are transitioning off of joint ownership. it is always nice to know that you have a separate account that continues apart for the paperwork. Change utilities to both names or just hers - especially the internet account as it will be a pain to have it down for a couple of days.</p>

<p>Along these lines she should open credit cards in her name. Drain his frequent flyer/hotel rewards accounts/etc. Sometimes these will transfer, but not always.</p>

<p>Make sure she and the kids, not a former spouse are the beneficiaries of any retirement/insurance policies. You’d be surprised at the number of parents/former spouses that are still beneficiaries.</p>

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<p>Where are the prior year’s tax returns? Do they have all the pertinent paperwork in a file with them? These will be helpful in the future when trying to figure out if she’s got all the “pieces” necessary to complete the next return. And will give a picture of what investment vehicles are owned and generating income.</p>

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<p>On the medical side (medical ethics student here) she should have a very frank conversation about what his wishes are in different situations near the end of life-- would he want to be on a ventilator if it were not a bridge to treatment, at what point would he wish to be considered “do not rescusitate”, and, as VeryHappy noted, who does he want to be in charge if he can’t make decisions for himself (in most if not all states the next legal step would be his wife, but if either is uncomfortable with that or if there is someone else in the family who would be able to make more informed medical decisions-- say, a sister who is a nurse-- appropriate legal documentation (healthcare power of attorney) would be necessary for another person to be allowed to make decisions on his behalf).
Furthermore, if he has declared himself an organ donor and his organs would be appropriate for donation, it is important for that not only to be noted on his driver’s license, but also with his wife, as family consent is usually the last step in procuring organs-- she should know his wishes regarding this.
These could all be good conversations to have in the presence of a medical ethicist from your hospital (if there is one), clergy person, or trusted family physician. Although these conversations are difficult to have, it is important for the person who is legally the surrogate decision maker to know this information-- the info may wind up being necessary now, or at least she’ll have the information for the future, so that her H is allowed to pass in the way that he finds most respectful of his wishes.</p>

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<p>Ask who his accountant is, if he has one. Also if he has a personal banker, find out who that is.</p>

<p>First and foremost, find out if he even has a will. If he does not, that is a top priority.</p>

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<p>If she discovers things later, like credit card perks, don’t mention he is dead, use them and use the POA to sign on his behalf, we had to help my mother do that with some things. It is just much easier if you deal with stuff without mentioning the death…somehow that stops everything and puts their system into a tizzy for a couple of weeks (months?) of processing.</p>

<p>JYM mentioned trying to pay her Dad’s hospital bills and as soon as it was mentioned that he was dead the hospital shut down the online account where she was accessing the bills, no help at all in getting them paid.</p>

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<p>OP - And most importantly, assume NOTHING. For example, there may be no Will. If there is a Will it may be horribly outdated. If it’s not outdated it may be defective. And if it’s not defective, it still may not represent what the husband really wants. (My Mom left a tiny portion of her estate to named great-grandchildren. Because of the way the bequest was structured, the entire amounts went to legal expenses.) Are the assets appropriately titled? (My Mom had some inherited bonds that she hadn’t gotten around to retitling.)</p>

<p>One more thing (if I may), getting the man’s affairs in order is much easier while he’s alive. Good luck. God Bless.</p>

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<p>Get a POA both general and medical
To make the conversation less awkward (some people don’t want to face their imminent mortality) both of them should do the forms and could name each other primary & someone else secondary.</p>

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<p>The fact that the husband wants to focus on his own situation might be a good thing - it gives your friend a useful way to approach these topics. If she can assume responsibility for the household financial affairs and relieve him of that burden, it frees him to focus on his health.</p>

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<p>The wife should be very careful what forms she signs at the hospital. I’m not an attorney, but it is my understanding that some forms make the signer responsible for payment, where they otherwise might not be. </p>

<p>While we’re on the subject, perhaps someone here knows the answer…if I sign for my husband as his POA, is that legally any different than me signing as myself (without the POA designation)?</p>

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<p>“If she can assume responsibility for the household financial affairs …”</p>

<p>Responsibility? Sure … I mean what’s the alternative? But it’s expecting a lot for an inexperienced spouse to give administrative details much attention during DH’s the serious illness. On the other hand, if a dear friend offered to help organize …</p>

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<p>She should have in hand: his birth certificate and birth certificates of their children. their marriage certificate. any divorce papers from any other of his marriages (not sure if this applies)</p>

<p>any military discharge papers</p>

<p>your BFF should be on all of her hubby’s bank accounts. she should know his PINs for debit cards if he uses them and she does not.</p>

<p>check the house – titled with survivorship rights.</p>

<p>tax information (1040s from past years), as well as IRAs, 401Ks. Any employment 401Ks will have to be rolled over.</p>

<p>address and phone # of Human Resources at his job to be able to get info for life insurance benefits and help with any health insurance and disability claims.</p>

<p>pink slips or titles to any cars that may be sold soon.</p>

<p>any recipes from his side of the family that you like.</p>

<p>a family photo taken as soon as possible for memories.</p>

<p>her own checking account, in her name only, with some emergency cash, debit card, blank checks.</p>

<p>go with her to make arrangements at funeral home in advance so all she needs to do is call them when needed. they will not ask for any money to make the plans.</p>

<p>if hospice will be in the picture: help her plan for where a hospital bed would be set up; do a safety check (loose rugs, etc.); </p>

<p>stock freezer – soups, casseroles, sauces –</p>

<p>A good friend is invaluable.</p>

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<p>I was under the impression that as a legal matter, a POA is only in effect while the person is alive. Is this incorrect?</p>