Problem with the texting rec'd by D

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have to set up a new account to get feedback from everybody.
My daughter is 10th grader in high school. She got texting feature this summer. Not too long ago, she got a texting from one of the boys showing bare chest. She also got a texting from one of the boys in her school stating “I will rape you and you will like it”. I was quite upset and I cancelled the texting features now. My daughter thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing. She claims it’s just a bad joke and it’s norm. I think either her school or her friends are trashy. I told her that if I report to the school, that boy will be either be suspended or be expelled.</p>

<p>I would like to get feedback from the parents of high school kids. How do you handle it? Did I overreact?</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

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<p>The kids don’t get it. Adults get it.</p>

<p>Texting is a very easy method of communication – I text my kids, my employees, my husband etc etc.</p>

<p>Sexting – which is what this is – is really not OK. I would inform the parents, or possibly the schoo. The second message (not the pic) is quite disturbing, and has a threat element to it. It’s the <em>threat</em> that makes me so upset.</p>

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<p>^^ I agree. I would consider reporting it to the parents, school officials, or police if I had a daughter get a text that threatened a rape. Lots of things to consider - most importantly any consequences that would come back to your daughter for reporting it (ie, bullying). I would think about it for a few days, but my inclination would be to let some adult who has some authority over this kid know what he’s saying. I probably wouldn’t start with the police, but if I talked to the parents and school officials and felt no sense of anybody caring, I’d consider going to the police - maybe they would send someone out to have a talk with the kid. Again, I don’t know the culture at your school, and it is possible that if you make a stink it could make things tough for your daughter. </p>

<p>By the way, you can have calls and texting on your phone without the ability to receive and send pictures. That’s what we all have in our family, mostly because of cost (don’t have to pay for a data plan), but it’s a good side effect that my kids can’t get in trouble for any pictures they receive on their phones (there are some crazy stories out there of getting in trouble for RECEIVING pictures, not just sending them.)</p>

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<p>I would have had a long talk with my D why this is NOT OK. Disrespect, threat, sexting etc. However, I would not have cancelled the texting because it would 1) punish her for the actions of others and 2) might chill communications between us. I always want my D to feel comfortable telling what is happening with her friends and her, even if I am not going to like it. I think I would have asked my D what SHE would feel comfortable me doing in response and to give her reasons. Of course this is all predicated on the long standing respectful relationship that we have. YMMV.</p>

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<p>Of course, such texts are intolerable. However, I’m not sure about canceling texting altogether. It would be like telling D she cannot ever use the phone or e-mail or snail mail again because she received an obscene phone call or message or letter. Maybe such steps would be justified, but I would explore more to find out.</p>

<p>I would not accept that such messages are the “norm” or a “bad joke”, and I would coach D accordingly. After the coaching, if I had the impression that she was not sufficiently responsible to handle texting, then I would tell her that we will try texting again when she is a junior. </p>

<p>I think it is a mistake to label her friends or school as “trashy”. Attacking friends, either by words or by attitude and responses to them, tends to drive kids to defend them–i.e. away from you and towards them. I think that a better way would be to speak of your disappointment in their lack of judgment in these particular situations. Rather than attacking these kids, I think it is better to get across that you have standards of respect and maturity must be met. Those who don’t meet them are not “trashy”, they just don’t meet the standards at this time, and you will act accordingly.</p>

<p>How did you find out about these texts?</p>

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<p>I had the same issues with my son in 10th grade. A girl sent him provacative pics, but not nudity. Also some sexual discussion in texting with the girl. She was 14 (he was 15). Explained that this phone, although his, is in his dad’s name, through his dad’s employer. Not only could dad lose his job, but could go to jail if the pics and discussion were discovered. Maybe a little dramatic, but we had to make a point. Lost phone priveledges for a week or so. And we continued to spot check his phone for inappropriate text messages. Caught again, and texting was turned off.
We made it clear to him that his cell phone was for OUR benefit, not his. So that we could communicate with him, and he with us. We also told him that we would be having a conversation with this girls father if caught one more time.
There is now software that can be added to many phones that capture the texts and you can view all conversations captured from your computer without the phone. You can do this with the computer to, which we also did. We did this for safety. And we told him that we were doing it.
My son is now a senior. We no longer have the monitoring software, but do require him to give us account passwords for all online accounts in case of emergency. He has his full access text/cell phone use, also without software monitoring. However, if we feel that something is going on, or a problem, we will review recent communications. Just for safety. We have not done this for sometime, but know how. And our son knows that this is our right, and he follows the rules. </p>

<p>The one thing I REALLY do not like is SKYPE. Can not capture the info/images/discussion. So it was not permitted for my son until about a year ago. </p>

<p>I believe that it is our responsibility to set rules, to model rules, and to enforce rules. If we don’t, eventually the police will. There are a number of instances of teens being charged with distribution of child porn because of pics sent on a phone. And social medica makes it a more dangerous world for our kids. A world that parents too easily allow their children into without guidance and monitoring. </p>

<p>That is my opinion.</p>

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<p>Maybe your D should just inform these people that her parents review all of her text messages. That’d likely put a stop to it.</p>

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<p>I agree with cnp55. I would immediately take this to the kids’ parents, with the offender in attendance, first. Then, depending on their reaction, I might also report to the school. This is NOT acceptable under any circumstance.</p>

<p>I don’t know that I’d cancel your D’s texting capability, unless she was somehow culpable with suggestive messages of her own. This is an important opportunity for both of you to review what’s ok, what isn’t and what to do about it in terms of texting. Soon enough, she will be off at college and you’ll have minimal influence. </p>

<p>I also like vlines approach in terms of monitoring capability if your carrier offers these options.</p>

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<p>And IMO, 10th grade is old enough to know better and realize the consequences. A jr high student might think it’s cool and might not think the situation through - by 10th grade they should wise up.</p>

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<p>Maybe your D would pay attention to 2 legal facts that suggest the seriousness of these messages:
Threatening rape can be a crime (by the sender, of course)
Possessing child pornography is a crime, and it technically could be a charge against your daughter, the possessor. Whether this first message is pornography depends on the age of the person portrayed, and how much it shows. </p>

<p>She probably feels like she will be seen as uncool if she over-reacts, but kids have been criminally prosecuted for this sort of conduct. If she knows that, maybe she’ll feel more empowered to say “no - I don’t want any part of this.” I would encourage her to take control of the situation before I would go to the authorities, but the rape threat certainly deserves further scrutiny.</p>

<p>I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It really raises my feminist hackles!</p>

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<p>I would not cancel the texting, nor would I talk the school or the boys parents. I would be on the phone immediately to the police. A threat of physical violence was made, real or not the person making the threat needs to be dealt with. It is a form of bullying and if the perp gets away with it once he will continue and may live up to his threat some day. In the days of kids using msn chat my D one evening was getting nasty and threats of physical violence messages from a fellow elementary school student and I immediately called 911 as it was crime in progress and they came over to our house right away and I had my D continue her chat with other friends and every time this one person would pop up I would copy and paste it into word. when the police arrived they actually saw what was being sent and I also printed the word document for them and they went to the perps house. When his parents opened the door the officer told them what was happening and they had come to arrest the child for uttering threats with hard copy proof. The police did not lay charges unfortunately. The school was notified by the police and the boy was expelled. Yes my D was embarrassed by the way we reacted but that was about 8 years ago and that boy has now been in jail for 2 years for aggravated assault. It is not joke</p>

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<p>I’d definitely talk to the school about it. Someone needs to speak to this boy about threats and about his idea that women “like” rape. I think in all likelihood this boy is no danger, just dumb, and that the embarrassment of having to justify his dumb action in front of a school official (and hopefully his parents) will cure him of unsolicited and threatening sexting forever.</p>

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<p>A 10th grader making a “joke” that

is an extremely concerning thing. That is a 15 or 16 year old. These are strange times, however, with entertainment like South Park, Family Guy, Jackass, The Charlie Sheen Roast and more sending very strange messages about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate in terms of humor. Add to this the fact that there are so many kids today with ADHD or other autism spectrum disorders (making them sometimes up to a third younger in their years). It certainly is a challenging time to be a parent. </p>

<p>Sometimes parents see snippets of behavior that is solely the other kid, and sometimes they are seeing things that their own kids are themselves displaying (but you just didn’t catch them this time). Kids do unfortunately engage in very inappropriate dialogue and humor with one another today. </p>

<p>I would make sure that my daughter understood that this type of communication is not humor, and why. She needs to understand rape statistics and reality, and her responsibilities when she receives any type of inappropriate communication (if it is from someone she knows, she needs to set a clear and consistent boundary, immediately). I would not eliminate texting, because you have only three years to go through these things and get her to the place where she is ready to go off into the world without your ability to check her phone. I do think at this point that oversight by you is warranted. Her reaction to the event you described as “humor” would tell me that she just needs some more time with this freedom, plus a loving parent as a coach, until she is ready for more privacy.</p>

<p>I am alarmed by parents whose first instinct is to go to the police, unless there is a pattern of behavior (more than one event, after consequences were imposed the first time). That would be a different situation. I also believe it is harsh to go first to the school in the absence of a pattern. This of course all depends on context. I am assuming that in the OP the person sending the text was a peer, a friend from school.</p>

<p>I guess my thoughts come down to the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When it comes to kids, you want to give them the least permanently damaging, while still effective, consequence. </p>

<p>If you were the parent of the “perp”, or if you were the “perp” himself, would you want a second chance before having your school record destroyed or a public arrest record created about you? Are things so far gone socially in our communities that parents would not first give the kid a direct talking to, or perhaps contact his parents (or both)?</p>

<p>Percussiondad, when I read your post it gave me chills. Perhaps there was a history of bullying towards your child, and after you spoke to the kid’s parents he continued? That would make sense to me. Somehow it reads like it was the first time, which is still a very serious situation, but wouldn’t your first call be to the parents from the school roster or directory? Maybe you did that and it did not work? </p>

<p>I just believe that when society’s first instinct is to treat a child like an adult, and come at him with everything, that kid can be lost for good. None of us benefit when that happens. We read about kids who were trouble as kids then offending as adults, but sometimes it is NOT that we could have seen it coming. Sometimes it is that <em>we</em> failed these kids by not giving them age-appropriate intervention way back when. </p>

<p>I wonder how many functional adults in our generation would have rap sheets if parents immediately called the police on them as kids, instead of grabbing them by the arm (or the ear!) and reading them the riot act directly. What have we come to?</p>

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<p>Spidey, I understand and agree with a number of your points, but as a parent, what would you do regarding the young man who made these comments?</p>

<p>I am in the camp of not cutting off the D’s texting privileges (neither of my kids have ever wanted big texting/data plans anyway; if they want to chat, they get on the computer). Certainly she needs some parental guidance about how to deal with inappropriate messages, IRL and on her phone. Would be interesting to see if or to what extent she was a participant in the inappropriate conversation. (Yes, young women send pics and sext, too.)</p>

<p>While I’m not sure I’d call the cops, I do think I would call the boy’s parents. Unless this is happening at school, I see no need to get the school involved given the info the OP has provided. Notifying the school may turn it into a mandated reporting issue, which may be an escalation noone intended.</p>

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<p>Talking to school officials will not help if the incident happened off the school property and during non-school hours - they have no jurisdiction over such things. </p>

<p>Spidey, lots of good points, but… wouldn’t taking the kid by the ear constitute child abuse? In my experience, parents of such little “perps” usually become defensive and try to blame the victim. For example, according to the parents of the punks who were trashing my old neighborhood, by putting the garbage cans out in evening our neighborhood was asking for trouble, etc. The mischief continued until one day a neighbor’s property was set on fire. You should have seen the mother of the teen arsonist - she was literally on her knees begging the police officers to let her kid go.</p>

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<p>I would talk very frankly with your daughter regarding the rape threat. Do you know the person that is making the threat? Is she being sexually harassed or bullied at school? </p>

<p>I personally would turn her texting back on, there is no reason to blame the victim, in fact it will make her very unlikely to discuss future problems with you if she feels that she will loose things due to the discussion, especially something so valuable as texting is to a child these days. </p>

<p>You have to remember how very important to a childs self esteem that being able to text message is today. By disallowing her texts you are making her an outlier socially and that can lead to all sorts of problems.</p>

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<p>Absolutely not true. You would be surprised at the amount of threats that happen via texting and FB. The schools take them very seriously. The school will take action against the text and conduct an investigation. Many schools have a zero tolerance policy against any type of cyberbulling, threats made by students via text, FB or any other media. In the NYC public school system there would definitely be an investigation, the student would minimally get a superintendent’s suspension with a possible involuntary transfer. If the student thought that there was any real danger, she would be eligible for a safety transfer. Since the adults in schools are also mandated reporters, it would most likely be reported to the police.</p>

<p>We just had a student who threatened a protest at school (threatening vandalism) on FB over the weekend. He was pulled in first thing yesterday morning, parent were contacted. Student will be attending a suspension hearing next week where there has been a recommendation for a 60 day superintendent’s suspension. Parent has agreed that student be given a transfer in exchange for the school not filing a police report.</p>

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<p>

Hmm, now let’s see…what other monster institution is in a deep pile of doo-doo for transferring it’s offenders and not filing police reports?</p>

<p>Oh, wait…</p>

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<p>Sylvan,</p>

<p>Because there was simply a threat (to tag the walls) and nothing was actually done, no criminal charges could be filed against the student. School followed the chancellor’s regulations so no deep piles over here. </p>

<p>The school does retain the right to handle the situation inside or outside of the DOE. Please don’t think that the incident has been swept under the rug. There will be a Incident is on file with ilog, OARS and shows up in the students discipline record. Any school official will be able to access the information including the new school. The school could have opted to give the student an involuntary transfer, but parent wants to transfer student voluntarily.</p>

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<p>I agree with spideygirl about holding children (non-adults anyway) to a lesser standard than adults. Yes, the action was wrong, but giving the kid another chance, but still having consequence, would be ethical and kind. If it looked like a pattern of behavior, I think going to the parents of the texter is sufficient.</p>