<p>My daughter is a college sophomore. She met the most wonderful guy last year and they have become serious. He is everything a mother could want for her daughter. but there is one potential problem. </p>
<p>My daughter said he told her he would never get married in our church, nor would he allow his children to go to our church. His church is pretty strict in that they believe those who don’t belong to their church are going to hell. </p>
<p>My daughter is the one who brought this up to me. I wasn’t sure what to say to her, other than to ask her how she felt. She said she didn’t know, but didn’t want to talk about it anymore. (Wow, that was a short conversation.)</p>
<p>I guess my question is to ask if anyone has gone through something like this with a spouse or potential spouse or with a child and their spouse/potential spouse. Has it caused problems? Did you/they work through it?</p>
<p>In every other area they are are so well matched. Our family likes him and he likes our family. I don’t know how his family feels about her not belonging to their church. Religion is a big deal, though, and I’m wondering if maybe this could lead to heartbreak down the road. Better to get out now? </p>
<p>BTW - I didn’t mention the names of any of the religions involved because I don’t want to seem like I am passing judgment on anyone. </p>
<p>I’ve had friends who married people of other religions who were not at all religious in college, but when kids got to Sunday School/Hebrew School age, one of the parents suddenly found that it was important to them that their children be exposed to their religion. They’ve worked it out, but it was disconcerting for the spouse. At least your daughter knows up front what the deal is.</p>
<p>I personally would not be happy if my children got involved with someone who believed their children would go to hell if they weren’t of their religion, but there’s not much you can do about it.</p>
<p>This sounds familiar. Dh and I have been married for 20 years and were of different religions. He was pretty insistent that we not be married in my religion and so I agreed to be married in “his.” He had been the first altar boy at their church, etc., so I thought it was really important to him. Pretty quickly after we started wedding plans, it became clear to me that being married in his religion was only important to him because it was important to his mother. She’d been driving this boat for years. He was really pretty areligious and, in fact, now is an atheist. Honestly, this caused a lot of friction for years. Not because I was so super religious, but I was bitter that he put his mother’s needs ahead of mine. And it was part of a pattern. It’s all good now – for the most part.</p>
<p>I would say that she really explore what HE really feels about religion.</p>
<p>There are 2 relatives in my family that came from different religious beliefs. </p>
<p>The first got married by a Justice of the Peace. Only the most immediate family were invited to this wedding. Neither the H or W is particularly observant. They respect each other’s religions and celebrate the different holidays and traditions with family and in their home. They do not have children, so this is not an issue.</p>
<p>In the second situation, the husband has a couple of relatives of the same faith as his wife, but he was raised in a different faith. He was not particularly religious and now just observes religious holidays of his wife’s faith. They were married in his wife’s church. The children attend religious classes that are in the wife’s faith. They do celebrate the husband’s family traditions when invited to be with the husband’s family.</p>
<p>I would be cautious about anyone who was so dogmatic that they would absolutely not be married in her church or let children go to her church. Usually the wedding is the bride’s day. Many people have an officiant of both religions perform the ceremony. </p>
<p>This will be a problem if there are children unless she wholly embraces his religion. There will be no choice, either on her part or eventually on the part of the children. However, I would also find out how the young man really feels. This seems to me like a situation that cries out for premarital counseling.</p>
<p>IN my experience, many people who at 18-25 are flexible do revert to their upbringing as the kids come along and it can make for friction. My husband and I are the both protestant, but his church upbringing was much more formal with liturgy and choir robes, mine was more casual with jeans & harmonising; we had a tough time compromising on a church we both liked over the past 30 years especially based on the different music we preferred. </p>
<p>No not a deal breaker, not the end of the world, but even now, several decades later, we each have a preference for what we grew up with. I cann only imagine if we’d been of different faiths</p>
<p>A wedding isn’t the bride’s day, it’s the start of a marriage between two people. I think it’s important to have both people feel as though the beginning of their marriage is in line with their personal beliefs.</p>
<p>My husband is Catholic. I’m a religious mutt who had some cringeworthy experiences with churches as a really young kid. A full Catholic wedding mass was important to him. I didn’t have a preference, so we had a full Catholic mass. In return, to make me feel a little better about facing something as intimidating as a full Catholic mass, my husband worked really hard with me beforehand to help me understand the liturgy, and helping me put together a full libretto, so to speak, of our wedding ceremony. (I’d always felt so lonely not knowing what to respond with when I went with him to mass!)</p>
<p>I understand that the church is important to my husband. My husband understands that I’m uncomfortable with the church. Neither of us forces our way of being on the other person, though, and whatever participation or bending of our ways occurs, it only happens because we each voluntarily reach out to the other one.</p>
<p>Saying that the other person is going to hell is kind of twisted, and kind of implies a pressure to change. Understanding and approval isn’t necessarily required. Applying pressure to the other person, not being willing to offer kindness or acceptance to the other person, or being unwilling to compromise are deal-breakers, I think.</p>
<p>“Saying that the other person is going to hell is kind of twisted, and kind of implies a pressure to change.”</p>
<p>I guess this is what bothers me the most. I believe in the teachings of my faith, but understand and respect that people have been brought up to believe something different. This religion seems to be “my way or the highway.” </p>
<p>“IN my experience, many people who at 18-25 are flexible do revert to their upbringing as the kids come along and it can make for friction.”</p>
<p>Like many kids away at college, the bf doesn’t go to church when he is at school, although he does attend when he goes home. I also think that when people have a family they often go back to the way they were raised, so this may be a problem in the future. :(</p>
<p>H and I are of different religious backgrounds, although we are both Christian. We talked things through for a very long time BEFORE we got married. We knew we had to sort things out before we ever had children. He was fine with my decision not to convert to his religion. We have always concentrated on the ways our faiths agree, rather than on the ways they differ. It has worked for us.</p>
<p>However, if he had ever said anything to me like, “I could never set foot in your church because I’ll go to hell,” I would have run, not walked, to the nearest exit! IMO, this sounds like the start of a very one-sided relationship.</p>
This is a big red flag and unless your D somehow embraces his religion it could cause a lot of friction. It shouldn’t be minimized since (from these 2 sentences) he sounds quite serious about his religion, and only ‘his’ religion.</p>
<p>At a minimum she should find out more about his religion and take this very slowly. It’s more than a matter of which church to go to - basic philosophies of life can be different.</p>
<p>ucsd<em>ucls</em>dad, I agree. This religion makes it more than a matter of which church to go to. </p>
<p>I don’t know if my daughter yet realizes how different the beliefs are. She asked me what I know about the church and I told her I thought it might be very different from what we believe. (I’m trying to figure out how to present the information.) </p>
<p>My cousin married a girl from this particular church and her family loved him, but was upset that he was basically “doomed” because of his faith. She ended up converting to his faith because she wanted their family to all be on the same page, so to speak. Needless to say, her family is very unhappy.</p>
<p>I think it would be important or your daughter to attend his church services and get involved before committing to a life together. She should try it on, and see how it fits.
My D once had a boyfriend in a very dogmatic religion. She went to several of his church activities, and it turned out to be a deal breaker for her, and that was just as a boyfriend, not a future husband. The problem was that when she learned more about the views of his church, she lost a lot of respect for him because she found it, and him, too intolerant of differences. </p>
<p>You really don’t have a lot of influence in her decision, but if I were her mom I’d advise her to take her time, get to know him better and definitely get to know his religion. It will be a big part of her life if they are married, even if she does not become a member.</p>
<p>Speaking from experience: As we adults know, especially those of us who have been married for many years, the more similar beliefs and ideals that we hold in common makes marriage easier. (It is not impossible, just easier.) When the religion of a spouse precludes that of all others I see red flags, huge red flags. Differences in religion, goals, beliefs must be talked about prior to marriage.</p>
<p>ellebud, you hit the nail on the head. We, as adults, know that the more similar beliefs and ideals are in a marriage, the easier it will be to make things work. The problem is that a college student doesn’t have that experience, and like somemom said, at this point in their lives they are much more flexible–until it comes time for a family.</p>
<p>They may end up not getting married, as they are just 19. But then I remember that I met my husband at 19.</p>
<p>Ultimately, of course, it is her decision, but if she ASKS for my advice I want her to be aware that this is a potential time bomb. It’s hard to think of such things when you are young and in love. Oh, dear . . .</p>
<p>I don’t think being of different religions is a problem in itself but I do think a big difference in degrees of religiosity is an issue, as is a lack of respect and/or understanding for the other spouse’s religion or lack of it. I am familiar with a number of inter-religious families (mostly Reform Jewish and mainline Protestant or lapsed Catholic and mainline Protestant) both at parent and child generational levels. There seems to be little if any conflict.</p>
<p>Shared observance of holidays and occasional service attendance seems to work. At some point you do have to make a choice as to how the children will be raised–which, if any, religion for Sunday school and so on, and obviously there are some tensions inevitably but that would be the case in any relationships unless both members of the couple come from virtually identical religious background.</p>
<p>I am also familiar with families where one spouse comes from a very religious family and the other from a nonobservant one within the same religion–that seems to cause more tension. My concern would be when one party is very doctrinaire and insists that his or her religion will have to be the prevailing one. Everyone has a right to his or her beliefs, and I am not sure I would want my child to be the one to give his or hers up–but I do feel strongly that in most cases it should be possible to find a way for a truly committed couple to agree to believe differently and find a way to have their children benefit or at least not become a source of further stress. And I think conversion should be a matter of positive conviction, not a matter of the other person’s requiring it.</p>
<p>worriedmom - I have no problem in giving my daughters advice whether they want it or not. Even before they started dating, I started my campaign on what to watch out for. I figure, if they want to listen that’s great, if not, then just throw it away, my advice is free anyway.</p>
<p>Religion is much tougher than race. It touches the core of who we are - how we conduct ourselves, our philosophy, our value, everything. It is not impossible to work it out, but both parties must be willing. It can’t be one sided because it will define what the marriage will be like in the future. </p>
<p>I am an atheist and my husband was raised as a Catholic. Before we got married I told him that I wouldn’t object to have our kids raised as Catholics, but I wouldn’t participate in their religious upbringing. He decided not to bring them up as Catholics, or as Christians for that matter. We decided to leave it to our kids to decide when they are old enough. They are atheist now. It would be hard for me to have my daughters to convert to any religion just for their spouse.</p>
<p>Do the research on the religious group and do some research on the percentage of marriages that fail due to mixed religions. Her college should have research databases available for this.</p>
<p>If your prospective son-in-law or daughter-in-law had $250K of student loans, this should be a red flag to your son or daughter as financial problems are a major contributing factor in divorces. But I imagine that many couples don’t even see each others’ finances until after they get married.</p>
<p>It can be pretty hard to come up to speed on a religion in a short time. I took a survey of religions course many years ago and we covered the major world religions and it went by very quickly and I didn’t feel that I had a good feel for any of the religions we went through. You can read about customs, traditions, myths, etc. but you learn more via immersion and long-term study.</p>
<p>The problem is that you don’t really know what you’re getting. It’s a big enough problem when you have a lot in common.</p>
<p>I do know a couple like this and it created a huge amount of friction with the couple due to family pressure. You can make adjustments but the adjustments can lead to prolonged unhappiness.</p>
<p>Of course these things can work out. I look at James Carville and Mary Matalin and they seem to really have their act together.</p>
<p>It’s funny to learn what the kids’ perspectives are sometimes. My D is very, umm, not religious at all. She is dating a religious Jewish boy whom we adore. I recently said something to her about how we wouldn’t be upset if she converted, was married in a temple, raised children Jewish. Well, her head spun right around and she told me in no uncertain terms that she will be married in her own church. I never, ever would have expected that.</p>
<p>However, if they do marry someday, I would still bet dollars to donuts that she will relent because he is the only son and the family is pretty religious. She is today preparing to attend their temple with the familiy and celebrate the New Year with his family. Magnificent people.</p>
<p>I knew a couple who divorced over the “in what religion to raise the children” issue. It can happen.</p>
<p>Think about it. If you really believe that people who don’t go to your church will spend a never ending eternity in a literal burning hell, OF COURSE you would insist that your children go to your church.</p>
Exactly. There is no compromise possible when one religion holds this view. And he will insist that she convert, I’d have to assume, if he loves her. </p>
<p>She is young and in love and avoiding this major wrench in the works. </p>
<p>I married a lapsed Presbyterian whose broken home upbringing with their tendancy to change religions based on which church had the best recreation program for the kids seemed crazy to me. It set off alarms to our Catholic priest, as well. He sat H down for extra one-on-one pre-Cana chats to make sure he was stable & committed to the marriage. Which was a much more important question than in which church the wedding day was celebrated. </p>
<p>Does your church have some kind of pre-Cana program? A clergyman who has experienced hundreds of these inter-faith marriages will be your best resource.</p>