Prom Date Dilemma... advice, please?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I posted this in the high school forum ( <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=334076[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=334076&lt;/a&gt; ), but someone suggested I post it here, too.</p>

<p>I’m not new to CC; I just created a new SN because I don’t want this to somehow be traced back to people I know in real life. I would appreciate any advice as to what I should do. Sorry for the length… I tried to keep it as short as possible.</p>

<p>I was asked to the senior prom by a guy, through my brother on instant messenger (he doesn’t have my IM SN). My brother is one of the few people who he talks to on IM or in real life. I was hoping that this wouldn’t happen, though I sort of expected it. Before vacation (which was this past week), after school, he asked me if I had a date to prom yet. I gave a quick and nice answer that I was bringing my brother (He’s 2 years younger and hangs out with my group of friends. They want him to go, anyway, though it’s not quite true that I’m bringing him… none of my friends have dates, so we were just going to hang out as a group). My brother, who was there at the time, jumped in and agreed but said that we were all going more as a group so he could hang out with us. I was hoping that would be the end of it, but I guess not…</p>

<p>To give some background: he is a senior as well, and I’ve gone to school with him for the past four years of high school. He’s a really quiet person and doesn’t say much of anything, ever. I’m a generally a quiet person, too, but not nearly to the extent that he is. He’s had a difficult time making friends, and has bounced around different groups of friends, never really interacting enough for anyone to get to know him. This year, however, he’s only stayed around my group of friends; in the morning before school, at lunch, etc. My friends and I had tried to draw him out in the past years, but he never really responded. Most of them have given up on talking to him, but this year I’ve tried to still be nice to him by saying hi, etc. Usually, when he comes over he doesn’t say hi and generally follows from a distance, although lately he tends to get closer and has become slightly more talkative. But still, it’s feels as if a stranger were to randomly start following us around; his behavior is just creepy and very awkward, and I feel bad but after a while it’s gotten annoying. I don’t let him know to his face that I feel that way, but many of my friends have kind of hinted at how they feel through their behavior… which I think is mean, but I’m not sure if he realizes it or not.</p>

<p>Anyway, so he asked me the prom through that other person on IM. He said, and I’m paraphrasing: asking me was the most daring thing he’d ever done in his life, this year would be his only chance to attend a prom since he didn’t go last year and it’d be a once in a lifetime experience, that all the other people in the group probably all had dates so if I didn’t go with him he would have no one else to go with and would miss the prom, to please give him a chance to enjoy his senior year, he was asking me as a friend, and that he’d pay for my ticket. Oh, and he also said that he’d been working up his courage all vacation to ask me. Basically, it came across as very… desperate. He’s put me in a VERY awkward position. Also, I’m not sure if he actually wants to go as just friends or if he was just saying that. It’s hard to tell, but I think he’s asking me just because he wants to have a date, and wants to sit at a table with me and my friends.</p>

<p>I’m creeped out and saddened by the way he asked me. I don’t want to ruin his prom, but I really don’t want to ruin my prom, either. I don’t really want to go with him, but I’m still considering it to be nice. Last year, I didn’t go to prom, either, and I just want to have a good time this year, hang out with my friends and not have to deal with him. However, I’m considering just not going to prom so I don’t have to deal with him, because I can hang out with my friends anytime. I would feel bad saying no to him because I suppose I’m one of the few people who acknowledges him and is nice to him. I could just tell him that he can sit at my friends’ table and join the group (though my brother already sort of did that before vacation?), but I don’t think they’d be too thrilled with that. I haven’t talked to most of them about it yet, though. I just need unbiased responses before I decide what to do.</p>

<p>Ahhh. I hope he doesn’t somehow read this and connect it to me (I doubt it, but still…). Advice, please? Should I go with him, or what…?</p>

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<p>I think that you should say that you and your girlfriends all decided to go alone this year, but he could hang out with you at the prom. If you want, invite him to join your group and sit with you. He’s quiet, so it shouldn’t be much of a chore. That way, he feels as if he’s included in some way, and you can have fun with your friends. </p>

<p>You should not let him guilt you into saying “yes,” which is the way it sounds. He is not your responsibility. It would be kind of you to invite him to join you and your friends for dinner. You do not need to accept his invitation if you don’t want to, and it sounds as if you definitely don’t want to. Turning someon down is difficult because you are disappointing them, but it’s a part of life. You do it when you turn down colleges, dates, sex, a night with friends, a job, etc. You should not accept any of these things just to “be nice,” without other reasoning.</p>

3

<p>Oh you are a sweeeeet girl for even thinking of doing this. You seem to be sensitive about this boy being left out of the festivities, and that is really kind of you. What a lovely person you must be.</p>

<p>You have already planned on going to prom with all your girlsfriends, and that is such a fun way to do prom. You said that it could ruin your prom if you went with him, and ruin a fun night for your girls if you invited him to join your group.</p>

<p>This is a big night for Seniors, the first of many lasts, many bittersweet memories, and since you have chosen to spend the evening with your friends, you should not feel obliged to change these plans.</p>

<p>Thank him for inviting you, and tell him very simply that you and your friends are going as a girlie group, and had planned this for a long time.</p>

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<p>I also echo what corranged says above. As a woman, it’s important to be able to say “No” sweetly without feeling any guilt. You are about to venture out into the world, and you should learn not to agree to things that you don’t really want to do.</p>

<p>Good luck with that. Have a wonderful time at prom.</p>

5

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<p>I’m with your dad: say no. </p>

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<p>Well put by chocoholic. </p>

<p>I’m also against putting your friends on the spot by trying to include him in your group. I think that was presumptuous of your brother to suggest and it sounds like things will be uncomfortable for most people in that scenario. Plus, it sounds like the guy will only feel able to talk to you among the girls, so as a practical matter you’ll end up being his “date” anyways.</p>

<p>You referred to him as “creepy” and yourself as “creeped out”. Trust yourself: stay away from guys who make you feel that way.</p>

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<p>Don’t do this. Life lesson: don’t let others guilt you or browbeat you out of what you reasonably want to do and have planned. Plus, be careful! If you’re not going, and he’s not going, he might just ask you out for prom night, or want to come over to your house! Then what will you do? You’ll miss prom and you’ll still end up saying no to him.</p>

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<p>think about this – you say yes to be nice. then he calls you up afterwards – or again goes thru a friend – and suggests going out to do something – again “just as friends.” and then maybe he wants to keep in touch when you are in college. and then see you on breaks. at what point down the road would you then say no and how much harder would it be then?</p>

<p>we’re always taught its nice to be nice. but there is a difference between being nice, and putting yourself in what you feel would be an uncomfortable position to avoid hurting someone. this guy’s personality has been evident to you for years now. yes, it’s sad. but you are not responsible for it. whereas if you now go out of your way “to be nice” and then have to draw the line later on, you then will be more responsible for the emotional pain he will feel after he got some positive result.</p>

<p>be honest - you’re flattered, but it just doesn’t fit with your plans - be careful not to inadvertently send the message that prom is a no, but you are otherwise intersted. and always trust your “i’m not comfortable” radar – never let someone else’s behavior make you doubt your own innate feelings.</p>

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<p>“going as a girlie group and had planned this for a long time”</p>

<p>Chocoholic, that’s excellent. It’s accurate and preserves the young man’s feelings.</p>

<p>If your brother will let you, you could also add: “My young brother didn’t quite understand all that when he spoke up” – just more face-saving (well, maybe not your brother’s face…) The boy himself might identify with making little social mistakes like that.</p>

<p>Can you invite him for one very specific, small part of the prom meal, such as, “maybe you can stop over and say ‘hi’ when we’re all eating desserts” to show you don’t hate him, just don’t want to spend the whole evening beside him.
Um, I’m not sure about this one…but think it over.</p>

<p>Finally, if you know a guy who is very confident socially who is your friend, can you see if he’ll make a boy table and include this person?</p>

<p>I have only 2 prom experiences in recent history with my own kids. Oldest S went solo and had a GREAT time, danced with everybody when their dates were in the washroom, went from table to table. (He’s the kind who could have organized such a boy table, someone really popular but who thinks creatively. Those types that live in the theater department…)</p>

<p>My D and her then boyfriend boycotted the whole thing together, meh. Watched a movie. </p>

<p>Your girlie table sounds just terrific. Have fun!</p>

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<p>I have 4 brothers—and I know how hard it can be to ask someone to the prom. Step away from the “drama”. You had planned to “bring” your brother. Why not tell him that, and encourage him to attend anyway. If you and your friends were planning to go out for dinner-you could include him or just plan to see him at the prom.You see him every day at lunch-make it light-That way he will be “empowered” by taking the risk in asking you and not feel slighted by your plans to just go as a fun group.</p>

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<p>i would really urge the op not ignore that “creeped out” feeling. it is not your job to try to cure this boy’s social problems. the deeper you get in, the more potential for you to end up hurting him more. don’t make a federal case out it – don’t scream or spread around how weird he made you feel – just politely say no and move on. you are under no obligation to him – don’t create one.</p>

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<p>I’d also like to question the suggestion that it is “nice” to include this boy.</p>

<p>I don’t think that ‘I’m a loser, pity me’ is an appropriate or promising way to approach life, jobs, girls, prom. To the extent that you give him any encouragement in that direction, you are not in truth doing him any favors. </p>

<p>You don’t want to go with him; he would alter or disrupt your plans; and, most importantly, he feels creepy to you: imo, say no.</p>

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<p>chocoholic’s idea is a really good one because it is not simply saying, “no, I don’t want to go to prom with you,” but it is saying, “I don’t want to and don’t plan to go to prom with ANY male date, because I have planned and promised with my friends, to go as an all girl group and want to stick with that plan, but thanks for asking me. Perhaps you can find a group of boys who want to go together.” That way, you are not turning him down for someone else (which of course you’d be entitled to do anyway) and not making it about HIM but about YOU and that you don’t want to go with ANY male date.</p>

<p>Let me add, that it is nice that you want to be “nice” and I truly admire that. If you want to add some more “nice”, you could say, “I realize how hard it is to ask a girl to go to prom and so I don’t want you to think this is about you, but it is just about my plans to go this year just as a girl group, so please don’t take it personally. I hope you will still go to the prom and I’ll see you there.”</p>

<p>PS, If I have this right, he “asked” you to prom THROUGH another person ON IM. So, um, send him an email with this response. Then, it need not be a conversation. He didn’t ask you in person and not even directly so I think in THIS case, an email suffices.</p>

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<p>Definitely don’t go with him to just be nice. As others have said, where will it stop? </p>

<p>His method of asking you out was somewhat pathetic by trying to guilt you into a yes response. It’s just a way of putting unwarranted pressure on you. He also should have asked you to your face rather than by IM’ing someone else but maybe that’s a generational thing on my part. Since he didn’t even communicate directly with you I don’t think you even need to respond to him at all. You can tell your brother to tell the guy that if he wants to communicate with you he should do it directly and that he doesn’t want to be in the middle of it. Hopefully it’s just his admitted inexperience that caused him to behave this way.</p>

<p>It seems that if he actually does ask you (not through your brother), you could give a friendly response that you already have plans to just attend with a group and not have a formal date for this one. </p>

<p>Finally, stick with your original plan and enjoy this prom. Don’t skip it just because of this guy.</p>

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<p>Yes, really don’t go asking all the girls for permission. THAT would be letting the cat out of the bag, get everyone talking about him, and make his life totally miserable. </p>

<p>Chocoholic’s got a great plan, IMHO. Plus Soozie’s to suggest he make a boy table, or my idea to get another boy to start one up and include this guy (since he’s obviously not a social leader himself but might appreciate being included). </p>

<p>Most boys just want to GO to events! He’s not crazy mad about you. He isn’t<br>
lucky enough to have found a girlfriend this year, but he will in the future, but his senior events are upon him.</p>

<p>He just wants to go to his prom, like you and your friends do. </p>

<p>Is there even a chill prom organizer who can declare a “boy table” and let anyone sign up for it; then you’d have a place to steer him to. If you call up the organizer, no need to say why you’re suggesting it (specifically re: him) except to say that you’re doing this girl thing and it occurred to you maybe there are boys that also just want to GO. It’ll sell some tickets, so the organizer might like the idea and declare it publicly. Very progressive.</p>

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<p>Based on what I’ve seen when my S has been asked to things like proms, typically the person has an ulterior motive. Both times that my S accepted invitations to events like proms with friends, it ended up that the young women were interested in more than just being friends. Fortunately, they were really friends (not wierd people whom S felt stuck with), and S was able to continue being just friends with them.</p>

<p>From what the OP has posted on the other thread, I am guessing that young man has a crush on her, and any kindness that she extends in terms of the prom will get his hopes up.</p>

<p>I also think that if she makes suggestions to try to solve his problem (such as suggesting that he set up a boy table), she’ll still be stuck with him following her around at the prom. Anyway, from what she has described, he doesn’t really have any friends, so the boy table idea isn’t something that he can organize.</p>

<p>It’s sad, but not everyone gets to go to prom. (Speaking from experience here: I never got to go to my proms – wasn’t asked, and those were the days in which everyone had to have dates). However, sad though it is for the young man, his prom difficulties aren’t her problem to solve.</p>

<p>He also clearly is extremely lacking in social skills. It is truly pitiful that he couldn’t pick up the phone or find a way to ask her in person, but had to get her brother to IM her. He would be as much fun at a prom as a literal wet blanket.</p>

<p>My suggestion is that she respond to his prom invitation the same way that he contacted her: Have her brother IM the young man saying that his sister has plans to go to the prom with her friends, so will not be able to go with him. No need to add any words like, “She’s sorry that she can’t go,” because that would add to the young man’s hopes that he still has a chance to date her.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your helpful and thoughtful replies. Reading all of your opinions has made my decision much easier.</p>

<p>I’m going to ask my brother to IM him my response, which will be that I can’t go with him due to the plans I already have. Vacation week ends after Monday (due to a faculty type day), so I’ll be sure to get the message to him before I have to face him in person.</p>

<p>I think in a short response I will politely thank him for asking me, say that I already have plans so to not take it personally, and make it clear that my answer is no. I’m hesitant about being overly nice, because as many of you have suggested, I don’t want to give him the wrong idea about my feelings. I also don’t think I want to put my friends in the position of changing our plans and having him sit at our table.</p>

<p>The guy table, while it would be nice to consider, would probably not work out. My friends are his only “friends,” as mostly everyone in our class (of about 150) who at one point tried to draw him out has given up. Northstarmom hit the nail on the head when she said that suggesting anything like that would still make me stuck with him.</p>

<p>The student government organizes the seating at prom by taking lists/requests. Whoever is left without a table gets randomly assigned to one, so if he chooses to go alone he would still have people to sit with; just not necessarily people he wants to sit with, or who want to sit with him. I’ll keep the guy table idea in mind, and thanks for suggesting it, but at the moment I don’t think I want the responsibility of trying to help him in that way.</p>

<p>It may end up that he goes to prom alone, and then follows me/my friends around, anyway. While this would not be fun, I would at least feel somewhat better knowing that I stood up for myself, and not feel an obligation to him like I would have otherwise.</p>

<p>Also, unfortunately it will now be even more awkward at school around him. I’m not going to tell everyone how weird he’s made me feel, because I do not want to put anyone through that, even if it’s true. I suppose from now on I’ll just have to walk the fine line between being too nice to him and being mean to him (because there’s really no way around it, anyway, since he always seems to be around… and, it’s the end of the year, so I won’t have to deal with it for too much longer).</p>

<p>It’s still going to be difficult to say no to him, but all of your support has helped a lot. Thanks again, and I’ll let you all know how it goes.</p>

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<p>I’m glad that you’ve figured out a way of handling that difficult situation.</p>

<p>When he does things in person that make you feel uncomfortable, it would be kind if you directly told him. He appears to have little knowledge of how to make friends, and your telling him what he’s doing that is inappropriate could help him better connect with people, and also could prevent your continuing to have to put up with irritating behavior.</p>

<p>I have found that sometimes people who have no clue about how irritating their behavior is are not hurt when someone tells them kindly and specifically to stop that behavior. Such people honestly don’t know any better and even may be grateful to hear suggestions about how to connect better with others. </p>

<p>Have a good time at the prom. Your kindness and compassion shine through your posts, and I wish you the best as you graduate from high school</p>

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<p>Not to dismiss your feelings of being “creeped-out”, but there was a very interesting article in yesterday’s Boston Globe about romance in the text message/email era.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.boston.com/yourlife/articles/2007/04/22/to_end_a_romance_just_press_send/[/url]”>http://www.boston.com/yourlife/articles/2007/04/22/to_end_a_romance_just_press_send/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I am not saying that this is a good thing, but it appears to be not all that unusual.</p>

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<p>well… i wouldn’t go with him if i were you… guys that ask others to do the work for them won’t turn out what you wwant them too and anyway why go to prom with a guy u don’t wanna go woth in the first place? it will make ur prom night suuuuck and when he sees you and u know u go all weird on him etc well he’ll be done for… so i say save both of you guys a real big disappointment and don’t go with him… go with your friends it fun and its good to be able to sociolize who knows you might meet a nice single guy with no date or that had just been rejected and u might get lucky!!! but i don’t know if u wanna take my advivce although i have been on a number of dates and dances etc i would tell him the truth it hurst less trust me!!! anyway if you have any advice on how to prepare for the SSAT’s i might need it coz im in an english system right now and i am applying for Exeter boarding school but it has and american system so i am a lil messed up im literally panicking so if u or anyone ahs any advice well just send it to me plsssssss… by the way my name is naty not TallyWally my mum put that on for me lol</p>

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<p>unsoccer – i don’t think that the only thing that was causing the “creeped out” reaction was the use of im’ing – the op knew the person and his personality for years. the im’ing in this case was just further evidence of his difficulty in dealing with people.<br>
the use of im’ing and e-mailing needs to be judged in the context of the relationship as it otherwise exists</p>

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<p>Note the following, which is weird. The guy didn’t even ask her to the prom through directly IMing her, calling her or talking to her face to face. He asked through having her brother IM her. Given the way that the young man asked her to the prom – through a guilt trip – I imagine that the young man got her brother to act as a go between the same way.</p>

<p>" was asked to the senior prom by a guy, through my brother on instant messenger (he doesn’t have my IM SN). My brother is one of the few people who he talks to on IM or in real life.:</p>