<p>Long story short. Senior boy asked my daughter to prom back in January. They started to spend time together (no classes together but they share a heavy duty musical EC with multiple practices each week and travel) and subsequently became boyfriend/girlfriend. He recently told her he wanted to just be friends, and that he still wanted her to go to prom with him. Daughter was okay with this, hurt over the relationship ending abruptly, but she definitely still wanted to go to prom with him. I think he’s now changing his mind and wants out of taking her to prom, but he’s trying to get her to say it so he’s let off the hook. This is not her prom so if she doesn’t go with him, she’s not able to go alone. </p>
<p>I’ve spent a couple of hundred dollars for the dress, etc., and though I’ve repeatedly told her that’s water under the bridge, she wants her moment to wear that dress and be a part of things. She has no delusions of getting back together with this boy. She would like to remain friends. </p>
<p>What’s the etiquette here? Should she let it go since it’s his prom and not hers? The tickets have been issued, her name is on one of them, but they are in his possession. She has other friends who will be attending. Can she ask him to let her have the ticket with her name on it so she can still go, just not with him? What is the obligation of the person doing the inviting when they still are able to attend the event, just unwilling to attend with the person they invited?</p>
<p>Proper etiquette calls for the young man to NOT disinvite your daughter or try to get out of the date her. </p>
<p>But since he is being tacky and ungentlemanly (is this a word?), imho it’s certainly not out of line for your daughter to ask for her ticket. She should get that ticket, go with her friends and have a good time. My d’s group had several single girls along so this shouldn’t be an issue at all. They all had a blast.</p>
<p>Also, if she doesn’t go, he can pretend like asking her never happened, whereas if she goes and has a good time without him, it may remind him of his bad manners.</p>
<p>Does she have a prom she can still get a ticket to and go with friends, wear dress, etc?
Will she really have a good time at this boy’s prom either as his date or solo if he is being so tacky? She might need to find out if he has started going out with someone else who might be there with him. That might be worse than opting out.</p>
<p>I’m curious how other parents would handle this? So far I’ve stayed out of things, other than being a shoulder to cry on. I guess that’s all we’re supposed to do, but it’s frustrating. This was her first boyfriend, he really turned on the charm, and played up how wonderful prom was going to be, and now he’s not really understanding why she’s upset. I think he knows he shouldn’t disinvite her. He’s being passive-aggressive now so she’ll break off the prom date.</p>
<p>electronblue, sounds to me like you are handling it perfectly.</p>
<p>I’m sure your daughter wants to work this out by herself; it’s good that you are able to provide her with some advice without actually getting involved - -also that you are not bothered by being out the money if she chooses not to go.</p>
<p>acme, she doesn’t have another formal to go to. I do worry that he won’t be a good person to be with if he feels forced into taking her. I’d like to think he’s not evil though and could put bygones aside and at least make the best of the situation. I don’t think he’s got another girlfriend. I think he just felt a lot of pressure with graduation coming and knowing this relationship had to end anyway with him going off to school. They had a little tiff and he said he couldn’t handle things and could they just be friends. There are many girls going without dates though (just not enough boys to go around) and he wouldn’t have any problem finding a platonic female friend to replace my daughter.</p>
<p>You’re good to stay out of it for the most part. If I were her, I would cancel and call him a few choice names because who wants to go to a prom with a guy who doesn’t want her there? Does her bowing out give him a pass on doing the right thing? Yeah. But it’s better for her pride to not be desperate and clingy.</p>
<p>What grade is she in? She’ll have other chances, right?</p>
<p>She’s only a freshman. I think that’s a big part of why I’m so upset. I feel like he took advantage of her heart. He told her that he loved her, etc. He never pushed her sexually at all thankfully, but I don’t think he grasps that a young girl’s first boyfriend is a big deal, and being his prom date was a big deal. It’s times like this I wish she had a big brother.</p>
<p>I agree with youdon’tsay. It’s his prom, and the event will be in his power base, with his friends, etc. How much fun will it be to go to an event with someone who doesn’t really want her there or wishes he were with someone else or perhaps going it solo? And what if she gets there and there is another girl, or his friends, etc…</p>
<p>I would gracefully let him off the hook, and move on. I wouldn’t call him any names, instead take the high road. Perhaps he will regret it…as for your daughter, she will have many, many other opportunities to attend such events.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your daughter. Give her a hug for me!</p>
<p>I just had my Prom, so I think it’s a good idea to back out gracefully, especially since she’s a freshman. There most likely won’t be many other girls (or guys) there her age, so it could be socially awkward, and she could end up sitting at a table alone all night, which would definitely NOT be fun. </p>
<p>Maybe instead, get a few of her friends together. Have them all dress up and take them out to a nice dinner and then a movie/ballet/play/etc. We did it for my sophomore winter formal instead of the dance, and we had a great time!!!</p>
<p>Is this a private school? If it is you might find that the boy won’t be allowed to purchase an additional ticket for a different date. While it is true that students who attend his school can come solo, she is seen by the school administration as his invited guest. He can’t bring two dates. Perhaps there is someone he would like to ask instead of your daughter, but can’t under the circumstances. I agree that this is an awful situation for your daughter, but if I were in her shoes I would let him off the hook…his bad.</p>
<p>Oh, I had something so similar happen to me when I was a sophomore and dating a senior from another school. Prom time came and naturally I assumed he’d be taking me, but then he became totally noncommittal. We had been dating since the fall, and we had gone to two semi-formal dances at my school with all my friends. My feelings were hurt, but when he said he felt like he should ask one of his friends from his school who was a senior and didn’t have a date I totally understood. As the date neared, he began considering girls who weren’t seniors and so WOULD have another opportunity to go to prom and I called total bull***** on the whole deal. Broke up right there, realizing that he’d been taking advantage of me. I still have no idea who if anyone he took to that prom. All summer he called me trying to get back together but too little too late. I was not going to be a booty call for him (mind you, we never had sex or come close, but you know what I mean).</p>
<p>I think this is a GREAT lesson for a girl to have in a first boyfriend before the relationships get too serious. The lesson? Guys can be jerks, especially when dating younger girls. It hurts in the beginning, but I bet she’ll never let a guy treat her that way again, giving too much of her heart too quickly. To this day, I’m a sucker for love and all things sappy (see American Idol post!), but using your brain a little is a good thing when it comes to affairs of the heart. I think she should chalk this up to experience and move on to a boy closer in age.</p>
<p>Side note: I broke up with the jerk on a Tuesday and the next day had a date for that Friday with a much-hotter senior from my own school!</p>
<p>She does have other friends who will be there. I think she feels like her pride is on the line. She doesn’t want to be the pathetic girl who got dumped after everyone knew she was going to the prom. She wants to put that dress on, be beautiful and walk in with her head held high. She doesn’t want retribution, she just wants to go to the prom.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what the rules are in terms of the school. I had to sign permission slips in triplicate that all participant’s parents have to sign. I’m not sure if he can turn her ticket in, or if he can just give her the ticket and let her go by herself. I’m not sure how the tables work either, whether it’s pre-assigned or just sit wherever for dinner. </p>
<p>Watching your child get hurt this way is really tough. She’s a resilient girl, I know she’ll be okay and she’s learning a good life lesson, but it’s just tough. You want to be able to make everything right, and sometimes you just can’t.</p>
<p>I think most boys are clueless when it comes to relationships so I wouldnt be to harsh on him. My son wanted to break up with his girlfriend of one and a half years two weeks before their senior prom. I told him absolutely not and he really didn’t understand what the big deal was. I think she should bow out gracefully and try to understand it is his moment even if he is not being a gentleman about it. She will be the bigger person and will go another time with someone who wants to be with her.</p>
Give her a hug for me!</p>