<p>So he hasn’t actually disinvited her, but she has the feeling that he doesn’t want to go with her? I think she should sit down with him and sort it out. Say, “Okay, I understand that you feel our relationship was getting too intense. I understand that you want to put it more on a friendship basis. So, treat me like a friend and be honest. Do you or do you not want to go to the prom with me? If not, fine, but I don’t want to play games about it.” If he does not give her a satisfactory answer–that is, if he continues to waffle–she could choose to say “In that case I am going to retract my acceptance. I don’t feel that you are treating me like a friend, and I don’t wish to attend the prom with you under those circumstances.”</p>
<p>And, if she is concerned about what other people think, she can tell her friends that SHE withdrew from the prom date, not him. </p>
<p>I really cannot imagine her going to <em>his</em> prom without him. That seems inappropriate. </p>
<p>I’d return the dress and buy her a copy of Sense and Sensibility. :)</p>
<p>Ouch. Part of me wants to slap this boy. When he invited her and the ticket was purchased, a commitment was made. Mature people honor their commitments. He should have thought about what he was doing when he asked her back in Jan or Feb. You & your D spent a lot of time and money based on his commitment!</p>
<p>That said… I wonder if it would be awkward for your D to be there, even if she’s with a group of friends and not with her “date”, because it’s not her prom. It’s not her class. The only reason for her to be there would be if she was with a date, otherwise she’s sort of “crashing” the party. (Perhaps my vision is biased, because at our hs a lot of junior boys are bringing frosh & soph girls to the prom - so many that the junior girls are mad, because some of them weren’t asked and there will be so many underclassmen there that it won’t feel like their class’s event. This may not be true at your school, though).</p>
<p>Can she save the fabulous dress and wear it to her own prom? I doubt styles will change that much in 2 years. </p>
<p>I agree that regardless of what she does, she should hold her head high. None of this is her fault. I’m just not sure if she’d maintain more of her dignity by going with the friends, or by “graciously” withdrawing since it’s not her class. If she goes it might make her look like she’s desperate or “crashing” the party. On the other hand, going shows that she can have fun and look gorgeous without Mr. Lunkhead. If she stays home, it shows class on her part not to go to a prom that’s not hers, but it might also look like she’s “hiding.” </p>
<p>Sigh. Guess you’ll have to trust her judgement.</p>
<p>Either way, its HIS loss!</p>
<p>edit - cross posted with Consolation. I think I’m leaning toward her withdrawing, but Consolation’s advice is excellent.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m a little confused now. Can she go without him as her date? At our school, only juniors and seniors and their dates can go. A freshman girl can’t just go with friends whether he gives her the ticket or not, because what would prevent upperclassmen from just buying tickets for friends?</p>
<p>I’d think it would be more awkward to be there with mostly his friends but without a date. And, even if they still go together, she’ll know it’s not what he wanted. I agree with consolation: She needs to just be direct and figure out what he wants and decide what she wants accordingly.</p>
<p>Consolation’s advice was probably the best so far. The only problem is that you probably can’t return the dress. I know D’s dress was not returnable - especially once I had it altered!</p>
<p>All sales final on the dress, plus it has been altered. If she doesn’t go I think the dress will only remind her of a very bad memory so I can’t really see her wearing it in the future to something else. I think this is part of the problem, she absolutely loves this dress, and it was expensive by our standards.</p>
<p>The way things work at her school is that only seniors can purchase prom tickets, but guests can be from 9th grade up. The school issued a ticket with her name on it to him, as his guest. I don’t know if he can turn that ticket in at this point and get another one for a new date. I’m guessing he would go with a group of friends and that this isn’t about replacing her with another girl. Thus the possibility remains that she could go using that ticket but keep to her own friends. </p>
<p>I can see withdrawing as being the right thing to do, this is his prom, but he kind of made it her prom by inviting her and talking it up so much. I know she’ll have other proms, but there’s some innocence lost here that makes me mad.</p>
<p>I’m confused electronblue. Is this prom at your d’s school? I thought you said she went to a different school. Either way if your d is considering attending with the ticket in her name, but not as his date she should find out if he will be able to ask another date. It is HIS prom. If her attending would prohibit him from having a date she should bow out as gracefully as possible. It’s a crummy situation.</p>
<p>I just talked this over with my high school freshman and senior sons and they both agree that if it is not the girls prom and it is not even her school, the girl should not attend. They agree that his behavior is not especially nice, but under the circumstances it is the best solution. My junior (in college) daughter reminded me that she went through a similar situation in high school. She invited a boy to twirp (three weeks in advance) and he accepted. A week before the dance he became romantically involved with another girl. When my daughter learned of this she immediately went to him and offered that he should go with his new girlfriend. He was relieved and accepted this opportunity. My daughter found another guy to ask and they all had a good time. Two years later when the first guy she asked (the one who backed out of the dance) professed his true love for my daughter she did not reciprocate.</p>
<p>He made the committment…IF she is comfortable then she should go. If it becomes awkward while there she should go be with her friends. This happens frequently.Yes, there is usually assigned seating but once everyone starts to dance it goes out the window. I know lots of young ladies who don’t go home with their dates but find rides with friends. </p>
<p>I think the most awkward part would be taking pictures. Around here the kids start meeting late afternoon for elaborate staged picture parties with their groups of friends. That could be tricky.</p>
<p>Screw him and the party bus he rode in on. Donate the dress to one of the services that provides prom dresses to girls who cannot afford them. Make some popcorn, get some videos, and watch them with her on the couch in your pajamas. Do NOT waste a single additional thought on this event or this guy (a senior asking a freshman? No disrespect to your daughter, but hmmmm) as a matter of pride - she is a freshman and her time will come.</p>
<p>Check out this thread in the h.s. forum, which will give you some insight into how some shallow males feel.</p>
<p>Personally, I believe the OP’s D’s date probably is romantically involved or wants to be romantically involved with another girl, so has broken up with the D to let her down gently.</p>
<p>I think the D should have the self respect to sit down with the guy and say that since they are friends, she wants an honest answer from him to this question: Does he or does he not want to go to the prom with her. If he waffles at all, the D should tell him that due to his obviously not wanting to go with her, she is backing out of the prom date.</p>
<p>There are lots of important lessons in this that will help your D make good romantic decisions for a lifetime. One big one is that one use finances, other people’s opinions, desire to go to a prom, etc. as excuses to stay with someone who’s treating one badly.</p>
<p>She can save the dress for other occasions. The cost of the dress is of little consequence compared to the cost of her self respect.</p>
<p>It’s also very unlikely that she’d have fun at that prom while going with someone who doesn’t want to be her date. If she managed to go by herself, it’s unlikely that she’d have a nice time being there watching her date enjoy himself not only without her but probably with some girl whom he likes lots better.</p>
<p>I also don’t know why she’d give the prom dress away. She can save it for some other time or she could sell it. Unless the OP is wealthy, it’s unlikely that the D can easily afford to give away a dress that cost good money.</p>
<p>In your shoes I’d mostly be relieved that your D is no longer dating a senior and would encourage her to give the guy his out. Big developmental difference between a 14 yo girl and an 18 year old boy (young man) - could be even more problematic if they were still together next year after he left for college. So maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. Of course no consolation to your D at the moment! </p>
<p>So that said, the boy hasn’t quite disinvited her. Could there possibly be any other reason for the way he’s acting? For example, any chance he’s hinting that she can beg off if she wants to because he thinks <em>she</em> would rather not go with <em>him</em> now that they’ve broken up? Maybe he’s heard a rumor that she’s interested in going with someone else and is trying to step out of the way. Or maybe there’s a guy that he knows is interested in taking her and he’s trying, in his awkward way, to make that happen. Of course, if I had to bet, I’d say the most likely scenario is none of the above, ie he wants to ask someone else. January or February to June is really a lifetime to kids this age. </p>
<p>If they are really “friends” now, a frank conversation to get to the bottom of it is what I’d recommend. As for the dress, you could always try selling it on ebay or giving to a consignment store if she really doesn’t think she’d ever wear it again (you’d probably only get pennies ). Or make it into a short dress. If it were me, I’d keep it. You might be surprised at how quickly the bad connotations of the dress are forgotten!</p>
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<p>That’s exactly how it works at our (public) school, too. I’m pretty sure the boy would have no trouble reassigning the ticket to someone else if that were his motivation, not that you should be concerned about that. In addition, at our school the office “vets” all invited guests from other schools - they must be students in good standing. Office staff actually calls the school of every prom date and checks. Depending on how close to prom it is, the guy might or might not get the money back - maybe the $$$ (prom tickets, limo cost) is part of his motive here, too.</p>
<p>Since she’s a Freshman, I’d say give him the ticket and sit this one out even if he is a cad. As drb said, donate the dress to charity. Proms and after parties can get pretty wild. I wouldn’t want her with someone who was not looking out for her best interests.</p>
<p>One last thought: I think that the age difference between h.s. seniors and freshmen is too much for dating. I’d also have been very concerned about a freshman going to a senior prom as there typically are lots of things going on at proms that I wouldn’t want a freshman exposed to or having to make decisions about avoiding particularly since the freshman would be under pressure to seem mature. This includes sex, drugs and other stupidity.</p>
<p>They went out tonight and he apologized. He said he does still want them to go together as friends. I’m not sure but it wouldn’t surprise me if one of her senior male big brother type friends had a talk with him about doing the right thing. This is not about another girl. She said she feels a lot better, it was a good talk, she felt he was being sincere and not like he was forced into taking her. Hopefully everything will calm down now and they can have a nice time.</p>
<p>I was in the process of saying you could do some detective work (ie, does she have friends that are buddies with him too?) to see what his real motivations are. Seems like that has already happened and it’s going to work out just fine. She will have fun at prom going with one of her (now “just”) friends, especially if she’s friends with other seniors or juniors too.</p>
<p>In some circumstances, it’s strange for high school freshman to be friends with high school seniors. But that doesn’t seem like the case here. e- blue made a point to say in the beginning that they’re friends due to an outside time-intensive extracurricular–seems like they just “happen” to go to the same school. In that case, it makes perfect sense for kids that are a few years apart to be friends. I have many friends of different ages due to work, neighborhood pals, family friends, etc. and would happily go to prom with any of them even if they were +/- 3 years my age.</p>
<p>Who ever was talking about after parties brought up a good point. I don’t know what her after party plans are, but chances are they’ll grab something to eat at some point and then go to someone’s house. Usually the house party will have some kind of alcohol (probably cheap beer, haha) and more than a few kids hooking up. They’re fun parties but definitely get wild! You should bring up the after plans and tell her it might be a good idea to talk to him or her other senior friends about what’s going on at this party. That way she can be prepared and can have an escape plan.</p>
<p>My escape plan (has been for YEARS) is to just b*tch and complain when I want to leave somewhere that my Mom is MAKING me come home for some really stupid reason. (I know, bad to lie, whatever…but my best friend’s the only one who can see through it.) Then my friends don’t think I’m being lame and I still can get out of an awkward situation. This technique has worked very very well. </p>
<p>As “scary” as an after party might be to a freshman, they’re also really really really fun. She will have a great time and if she has the availability of escape (via her parents) you won’t worry so much.</p>
<p>"Who ever was talking about after parties brought up a good point. I don’t know what her after party plans are, but chances are they’ll grab something to eat at some point and then go to someone’s house. Usually the house party will have some kind of alcohol (probably cheap beer, haha) and more than a few kids hooking up. They’re fun parties but definitely get wild! You should bring up the after plans and tell her it might be a good idea to talk to him or her other senior friends about what’s going on at this party. That way she can be prepared and can have an escape plan.'</p>
<p>My suggestion is that the mom not allow the D to attend after parties. In too many cases, they are a ticket to trouble including trouble gotten into by students who until then have been very wise about their decisions. I think it would be a bad idea to expect a freshman to be able to avoid dangers at such a party where more than likely she’d be the youngest and most inexperienced person there.</p>
<p>Even if her date is trustworthy, that doesn’t mean that everyone at the party would be trustworthy.</p>
<p>I also believe it’s important to set a reasonable curfew. While it’s OK in my opinion for seniors to be out very late (after all, in a couple of months they’ll be on their own in college or in the work world) I don’t think it’s appropriate for a h.s. freshman to be out until after midnight even for a prom.</p>