Prom Night Sleepover???

Parent Cafe
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<p>Well, I’ve been reading the posts for a while, but this is my first time posting - with all the good advice I see on this forum, I’m hoping that some will come my way! </p>

<p>My son is going to the Senior Prom with a girl I don’t know, as part of a group that he doesn’t normally socialize with, although he insists that they are all good kids since “they’re all IB” (I say smart kids do stupid things too!). After the usual pictures/dinner/dance stuff, they plan on all going to his date’s house to spend the night. Her mother (and father?) will be there to supervise. It’s also possible that they will be going to her cousin’s house instead, where they will be "checked up on " by an adult - sounds to me like there won’t actually be an adult present at all times there. I’m not crazy about these plans since I don’t know any of these people, and I’m a strict parent so the mixed sex sleepover also bothers me. My son has always insisted that we are overly restrictive and no one else’s parents would have a problem with this. His argument, which sounds convincing coming from him, is that he will soon be off to college where I will not be able to control what he does, so wouldn’t it be better to give him some freedom now while I can still oversee it to some degree?</p>

<p>His father and I have thought about it and told him that we are not comfortable with these plans, but he is really pushing back (not unusual behavior for him, though he is a good kid). So, am I being too strict? What would you other parents be thinking about if you were faced with this? I would appreciate any input here!</p>

<p>Thanks!!!</p>

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<p>just making sure I read you correctly: your son is a senior and hasn’t been dating this girl long term. Son is going to college next year?</p>

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<p>Yes, he will be going to college in the fall…he broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago and this is a girl he claims he is bringing to the prom because she’d already bought a dress and needed a date…!!!</p>

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<p>Here are my daughter’s plans for her prom for comparison. There is a group of 10 kids.
My daughter is going to prom with a neighbor who goes to a different school. (Two different Catholic high schools.) They are going as friends.
D’s high school has a post prom party that goes from 1 AM to 4AM. Guaranteed no alcohol. After post prom party, 9 of the kids will be picked up by one parent (whom I know VERY well) and these nine (a mixed group) will crash at their house. D’s friend/“date” is being picked up by his own parents – partly because he isn’t close friends with any of the group except my D – and his parents are very protective.
Also, D’s friend/“date” just lost a cousin who wrapped his car around a tree on HIS prom night. Parents were protective even before this family tragedy.
I am allowing my daughter to go because I know all the kids and the parents. I figure that they will be sound asleep within seconds of getting to the sleepover. If you don’t know where you son will be, you are being good parents by being concerned.
So –
Your son isn’t the only kid on the planet who has parents who care about him and you are not the most over protective parents, either.
I have BAD FEELINGS about a situation about this maybe cousin unsupervised situation.
Our school encourages all the kids to go to post prom – you don’t even have to go to prom to go to post prom. School actively discourages private parties. So I have a bad feeling if this is prom-to-sleepover.
County police warn parents not to have parties – especially where the parents know the kids are drinking knowing that “they will do it anyway, so why not control the circumstances?” If caught, the fine is either $1000 or $1500 per minor served. We heard about a family being hit with a $60,000+ fine.
BTW, is your son over 18? Not that it makes a huge difference – my opinion is that if you are under 18, the parents make the rules. If over 18 and the parents are paying all the bills, the parents still make the rules.</p>

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<p>After prom/formal/semi-formal sleepovers have been regular occurances with D1, D2, and D3 over several years. These are common at the schools which they attended. There was never a problem at any of them and those three are now in college and grad school.</p>

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<p>I understand your unease about this, but I would allow it. Make sure your son understands your rules about drinking/driving and that he should call if he feels that there is ANY reason to fear for anyone’s safety.
The sleepover part is pretty normal.</p>

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<p>Although the sleepover after prom thing is also a common thing here (my D did it also), I <em>would not</em> feel comfortable with the possiblity of it being held “at a cousin’s house” where the kids will be merely “checked up on” by an adult. That is where I personally would draw the line.</p>

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<p>

Not to me! I would not allow this for a variety of reasons. You don’t know the kids, their parents or where your son will actually be sleeping. It’s true he’ll be away at college next year, but that’s six months from now, and it will be a different situation. I believe in listening to my gut on things like this, and since you are uncomfortable, I’d stick by the earlier decision.</p>

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<p>If your son wants to go badly enough, he will find a way to go. I would try to create a compromise so you WILL know what is going on, not just what he wants you to know.</p>

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<p>If you are uneasy, tell him he can report on the group sex once he gets to college, not before.</p>

<p>Seriously (although the previous was more than half serious), what do you fear might happen at the sleepover that hasn’t happened already? You’ve equipped him with condoms I presume (make sure you put several in the tux pockets), and you know something about his alcohol/drug habit/preferences or lack thereof? </p>

<p>But if you are not comfortable, just don’t allow it. (I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t make believe that it had anything to do with anything but my own piece of mind.)</p>

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<p>We parents are often put on the defensive about these sleepovers. I would like to turn the tables and ask WHY a sleepover is considered necessary? Do the girls really want guys present when their hair and makeup become a mess? What do the guys think of when they have a half dozen teenage girls sleeping next to them?</p>

<p>I think these events are entirely too suggestive (do we really need to put our kids in sexually charged situations?) and would like to know why parents feel the need to sponsor and put their stamp of approval on them.</p>

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<p>Being an IB or AP student does not give one immunity against making risky choices during prom night activities. Sometimes kids who have been very academically focused during high school look at prom night as their last chance to live it up before graduation, and somehow make up for the many nights they stayed in and did homework. In some districts, top students have been partying for years.</p>

<p>If you have an idea of how much experience your kid has with partying or designated driver arrangements or sex, and their demonstrated judgement in these areas, you can make a better decision. For instance, if your kid has no experience with alcohol and you have reason to believe that this group plans to be drinking shots, then the cousin’s unsupervised home might be even more risky for your kid.</p>

<p>Your son is with a different group of kids than usual. If they are tight friends, then he will have less influence over the plans. If they are loosely connected, i.e., a few good friends who have recruited random dates, it will be harder for plans to come together unless there are one or two “leaders” of the group. Because it sounds like your child’s date is the host family of the sleepover, you are in a good position to call her parents and introduce yourself if you haven’t already had the chance to meet. It is reasonable to ask questions about the plans, perhaps offer to help out with refreshments, cooking a big breakfast, etc. At this point you can get a reading on the situation with the cousin’s house. You may find that the parents have already nixed it but the daughter is being pressured by the promgoers and is in turn pressuring her parents. The parents may be relieved to get feedback and support from other parents. </p>

<p>One area of concern is how the kids will transport themselves. If they arrive at your son’s date’s house and then later go to the cousin’s house, how would that be handled? If the other kids are established couples and your son and his date are not, that will put him in a different position for the night than if everyone is going with “just a friend” and they plan to play Monopoly.</p>

<p>There’s really no one right answer here. You will need to use all of your powers and trust your gut as well as your son’s judgement and track record. </p>

<p>One thing that my son’s prom group did last year, was that the host parents of the after-prom gettogether invited all of the kids and parents over for a meeting to discuss and coordinate the arrangements and expectations. It’s also a good time to collect money if there is a limo in the picture and go over the timetable for the night.</p>

<p>Another idea for you: if you want to get more of a handle on the night, you could offer to host the pre-prom gathering. Calling the other families to invite them will give you the opportunity to talk to them and get a better handle on the plans, as well as help create a memorable evening for the kids.</p>

<p>Your son is right: next year he will have this sort of freedom every night. That doesn’t mean that he should go into prom night cold turkey, though. Watch the American Pie movie series as part of your parental prom prep. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Nope.</p>

<p>What he does in college may be beyond your control, but this is not.</p>

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<p>Just because it’s commonly done, doesn’t mean it’s right. I like the idea of a fun evening, that ends when it ends 1 a.m.-2 a.m. They don’t need a post prom party. They don’t even need a prom, but it’s a nice rite of passage. It seems that parents in general are giving in to whatever the kids want because everyone else is doing it. That is not enough of a reason to allow them to stay out all night.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for the valuable feedback - it’s helpful to confirm that this is not a clear-cut issue and that there are parents who would feel as we do about this.</p>

<p>LWMD - I like the idea of the supervised post prom party! Unfortunately, I don’t believe that’s an option at his school. He’s recently turned 18 and I agree with you that he still needs to answer to us because we support him financially - and will continue to do so by paying $200k for the next four years of college (something we remind him of at times like this)!</p>

<p>KK06 - Yes, I am worried that if we don’t allow this, he will rebel and do it anyway, or somehow things would be worse, but I don’t want to cave in to his demands against my better judgment. You’re right about the idea of compromise - hence my post here looking for advice- I am trying to figure out a way to get through this if possible!</p>

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<p>I’ve slept over at my best friend (a guy)'s house a couple times when we’ve been out late and I don’t want to make the hour drive home. </p>

<p>Of course, he’s gay, so the whole uneasiness about an opposite-sex sleepover isn’t really an issue :slight_smile: I just slept in his older sister’s room.</p>

<p>But yeah, if I was a parent, I might be a bit uneasy about letting my child go stay at somebody’s house that you don’t know well with god-knows-what going on on prom night. If you allow him to go, all you can really do is trust him to use his best judgment…</p>

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<p>Speckledegg, I absolutely agree with you that being an IB student doesn’t mean you won’t make the wrong choices - I’m especially concerned about this event because of the way my son describes it as a post-IB exam blowout. As far as I know, he does not drink or do drugs (we’ve been clear on our position here), but on a night like this, with the influence of different peers, who knows what might happen? On the subject of alcohol, we are fully aware that we cannot protect him from that forever, so we have tried to offer wine to him when we have it at dinner,and explain we’d rather that he try it at home first, but he always refuses.</p>

<p>Thanks for all your great suggestions. Yes, I’ve suggested to my son that I call the girl’s parents to discuss this, but he hasn’t agreed to that yet (and thus our answer to his sleepover request is still no). I’ve even offered to do the event at our home, where we know we will closely supervise him - that did not go over well since he claims we have a reputation of being overly strict!</p>

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<p>As it happens, I was discussing this with another mother this morning. I had been asked by my senior to have a “sleepover” for all sexes after the prom. I said emphatically “no”. Of course, this is the Deep South, and we are light years behind the rest of the country in this sort of thing! When I told my friend, she said that she has had the issue come up with her 10th grade son, who tells her everybody is having boy-girl sleepovers. They are not just for special events like proms. What do I know? Anyway, not at my house…</p>

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<p>Chatnoir, I don’t have a daughter (just 2 sons), but if I did, I’d appreciate hearing from her prom date’s parent if we had never met before, and especially if the kids were not an established couple. That’s a mom-to-mom thing, and I think you can feel confident contacting her without your son’s blessing. In my admittedly limited experience with just one son’s prom under my belt, I found that the boys were notoriously vague/unorganized regarding the arrangements. Prom is a complex night. It’s a marathon of getting dressed and making small talk and changing venues, and that’s after all of the arrangements are nailed down. Figuring out the plan for the night can provide drama for months. Many of the kids have never been to a prom before and are trying to make it the greatest/most magical night of their life based on hearsay and what they have seen on TV/movies while having little idea of what they’re doing. </p>

<p>Anyway, I encourage you to call the date’s parents and see what their understanding of the night is. It could save you a ton of worrying. You’ll worry anyway - we all do - but at least you’ll have more specific information to work with. It will also open the door for the host mom to contact you more comfortably if she has something to discuss.</p>

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<p>One more thought before I sign off for a while. You said in the original post, “My son is going to the Senior Prom with a girl I don’t know, as part of a group that he doesn’t normally socialize with.” You didn’t mention the size of the group, but from the sound of it, your son really can’t be expected to influence a group he normally doesn’t socialize with. So on one hand he has to flex with the group’s plan for the night, and on the other hand he’s got his parents refusing to allow him to participate. He’s got to negotiate between the two positions, and there’s a date in the picture too, so he’s feeling the pressure. If his parents flat-out say no to the plans, he’s got to return to the group with the news or remain silent and hope that the plans evolve in a direction more palatable to the parents. If the other parents are more flexible, then he’s really in a tight spot. If all of this is causing a conflict with his date and the rest of the group, then he’s in a tighter spot. Your son will have to be very assertive and diplomatic in this situation. His best option (trying to think like an 18 year old guy) may be to distance himself and try to run down the clock. </p>

<p>I’m not suggesting that you approve plans that you’re not comfortable with, but I am suggesting that you actively try to help develop a better plan. There is a good chance that as other posters have suggested, your son could ultimately lie in order to get your permission and that could lead to bad things such as kids not seeking needed help for him because he’d be caught in the lie and get in trouble (along with the rest of the group). (I realize this is a dire scenario and they might really be planning all night Monopoly.) Do you have any idea what other prom groups in your area are doing for after-prom, including his regular friends? Some research here might help. This is a good time to suggest some alternatives that would be acceptable to you, at least some of which are well-supervised and tame enough to be palatable to you and hopefully even identical to what other groups are doing. </p>

<p>Some might say that all of this is up to your kid to figure out, but I say, he’ll do better working with some clearly defined guidelines and suggestions. Lots of talking. </p>

<p>How much time do you have before the prom?</p>