Prom Night Sleepover???

Parent Cafe
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<p>Speckledegg, you seem to have an uncanny sense of what is going on here - are you sure you’re not a parent of one of the group - or a psychologist?!</p>

<p>I think you are absolutely right, and my son is caught in the middle of this situation. I believe there are 8 in the group. I’m guessing he’s not going with his usual friends because it’s his date’s choice . He had friends trying to get a group together and I know he was asked to find a date and join them. So, your assumption that he needs to work with the demands of this new group as well as his parents makes sense. I do try to see things from his point of view, but sometimes emotions get in the way and it’s helpful to get an unbiased perspective here, so I appreciate your insight.</p>

<p>Since he’s not particularly assertive with his friends (just with his parents), we’ll have to work on the diplomacy. I am seriously considering your previous suggestion to call the other mom - but I will make one last check with him to make sure that things haven’t changed. My son has a tendency to get very angry with me when he thinks I have overstepped the boundaries. I try hard to discuss the situation with him, but he does his best to limit the information he gives out and in the heat of the moment, I don’t always ask the right questions.</p>

<p>I’m hoping that he’ll come home from school today and tell me that he’s worked it all out (and explain it all to me in a way that will enable me to believe him!), but that’s probably not realistic. Unfortunately, the prom is this Saturday night (and I have expressed my angst that he is doing this to me the night before Mother’s Day and planning on not even being here that morning!) so there isn’t a whole lot of time to figure out the best thing to do here.</p>

<p>Yes, I have asked other parents around here what their kids are doing(another problem is his school is not in our area since he is in an IB program and had to waiver in- and most of the kids live near the school while we live half an hour away) and most have kids that are just doing the usual prom thing, which we’ve experienced with Homecoming, Tolo, etc. already, without any special add-ons like a sleepover.</p>

<p>Anyway, thanks for all of your ideas - they help prepare me for my next discussion with my son!</p>

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<p>I can’t imagine letting either of my kids sleep over at another’s home unless I had spoken to the parents. First off, I want to know that they are welcome, and it’s just not the kid’s idea, and secondly, I want to be assured that the parents are not only home but will supervise (check in periodically, not be invisible), and also that they would be there all night - no going out in the middle of the night, or over to someone else’s home. I have no qualms about calling any parent about these issues. My kids know that we will check out any situation they will be a part of. It’s not a matter of prying, or overstepping boundaries, it’s a matter of safety.
Prom is no exception.</p>

<p>I really urge you to follow speckledog’s suggestion and call the parents. Your son’s permission isn’t necessary here - your permission to attend should be based on the outcome of your calls and how comfortable you feel after knowing more from the adults in charge. How else can you make an informed decision?</p>

<p>Generally in sleepover situations, I have to know the parents pretty well before I would allow it, regardless of the gender mix.</p>

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<p>My natural inclination would be to say no. One of my kids would accept this answer and not be happy but that’s life. Another would be like your son and continue to push. I would be clear with him that the answer will remain a no until you hear concrete plans from the parents involved. We have found that when we have insisted on calling the parents they have been thrilled. And vice versa we are always welcome of calls from parents to confirm what the plans are.</p>

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<p>Holy mackeral! It’s this Saturday night! Yikes! I’d call that running down the clock. Your options are more limited than I had thought. Last year I found that talking about the timetable, specifically the limo details, was the key to unlocking the door. His date may be concerned that your son may back out because his parents do not approve the group’s plan. I think you may be in for an interesting conversation! Good luck. And I’m not a shrink, just a mom (who has been accused of being over-protective).</p>

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<p>I would let him do it. I realize he’s going to college on your dollar, however he is 18 and I’d say to let him use his judgement. Just because there is a co-ed sleepover doesn’t mean everyone is sleeping together. Assuming that you’ve raised him well, and he has half a brain, he won’t do anything dumb and he’ll know to call home if something comes up. Plus, it’s not like “sex and drugs” can only happen at co-ed sleepovers. That could happen in the car on the way there, it could happen in a closet at school… i mean, if they really want to do it bad enough, they will. </p>

<p>I constantly slept over at guys houses during college (I still do, and my boyfriend doesn’t mind)… When i was 16 i would sleep at my 21 year old guy friends house and my parents didn’t mind that… However they had known him since I was 11. </p>

<p>Good Luck with whatever you decide.</p>

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<p>My only reference point for this kind of situation are the stories I have seen on Dateline and such. I will qualify my knowledge with the fact that the kids that were profiled seemed to be over indulged with everything and their sleepovers were even a little much for me. </p>

<p>My first inclination would be to say not just NO! but H*** NO! But since my daughter is nowhere near this age I don’t feel qualified in offering anything other than be confident in your decision because we, as parents, generally only ever make the best decision for our children based on the information we have a the time. Good luck!</p>

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<p>We hosted a prom night “sleepover” for about eight of my daughter’s friends – I can’t remember…it might have been five girls and three guys. Pretty much the same crew that we entertained throughout high school.</p>

<p>Put on a spread of homemade spicy buffalo chicken wings about 2 AM. They spend the night watching DVD movies – might have been horror movies.</p>

<p>As you know from my posts, I’m a nightowl, so it was a “supervised” party. I think I actually outlasted most of them as one-by-one they dozed off in their sleeping bags and started snoring. My wife took the early AM shift and cooked breakfast for everyone.</p>

<p>Having said that…I can certainly understand the hesitation. The “cousin’s house” where somebody might “check in on them” doesn’t sound good. We nixed a graduation party at an unsupervised beach house. I just think an unsupervised teen party is a recipe for trouble. We ended up hosting another all-nighter for that one, too…just to offer an alternative. As it turns out, all of the kids’ parents were very grateful as none of them were ready to sign on to the “beach house party”.</p>

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<p>When my son (now a college senior) was a junior in high school, we were in a similar situation. He was asked to the junior prom on very short notice by a classmate (a friend) and he actually had no interest in proms or even dating at that point (he has since changed :slight_smile: ). Anyway, a coed sleepover was planned for after the prom at his date’s house. She had done the same thing after the 10th grade dance the previous year, apparently. We were kind of shocked at these plans, as the teenage social scene was totally new to us, but allowed him to go anyway. He was a few days short of his driver’s license at that point, he and his date were getting a ride to the prom with another couple, and he was particularly adamant about how embarrassing it would be for us to pick him up afterwards at the date’s house, while all of the others were staying. He told us that the party was pretty boring (and I am sure he was truthful about this) - they all lay on the floor and watched a movie and all of the girls fell asleep and the boys stayed awake. I am not saying all of these coed parties are this innocuous, but that’s how that particular one played out.</p>

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<p>Well, interesteddad, if my son were going to a sleepover at your house, I’d feel ok about it!</p>

<p>I was about to call the girl’s family to discuss this, but she was “unlisted” in the student directory. My son is going there tonight for a “study group” they are hosting (unclear if there really are more than two in this group!), so I have asked him to see if the mom or dad can call me since they will be at home.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the comments - they have strengthened my resolve and clarified my position - somehow it helps to feel that other parents have gone through this or can relate.</p>

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<p>I think the best course of action is to ask yourself whether you trust your son to make the proper decisions.</p>

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<p>My son has also told me that he would be embarrassed about telling everyone that his parents would not allow him to stay, but it’s becoming more clear to me that the really important thing I need to do here is find out exactly what the plans are for the post-prom sleepover. As a boy, he is not forthcoming with these details, so I am still waiting to speak with the girl’s parents about this. If they have a clear and organized schedule of adult supervised activities, I might go along with it, but not if things sound too vague. Maybe he just wants me to be the bad guy and tell them myself that I won’t allow it - and maybe he would be happy to compromise on being allowed to stay out later than usual. I just wish he would be home for more than 5 minutes at a time so I could actually have a conversation with him!</p>

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<p>Bob3, although I do trust my son, I feel that Prom Night can be a problem for even the most responsible kid - he is a teenage boy after all, and they will have just completed two weeks of IB testing, which will put them all in the mood to let loose somehow. I can certainly relate to that still, and I don’t even have the hormones working for me to charge things up anymore!</p>

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<p>Chatnoir, it seems to me that your son is keeping you in the dark intentionally. This is unacceptable and you are allowing it to continue by letting your son pull the wool over your eyes. The clock is running out. Do you have a general timetable of the night, the transportation, etc. or nothing at all? What’s he wearing? Did he order the corsage? At this point I’d say your best option is to find out how your son will be transported from the prom site to the next venue that night (limo? if not, how?), and tell him that you or his dad will pick him up there at a certain time that is acceptable to you. Since you are trying to apply pressure, make it slightly later than his usual curfew but still an early time such as 1am, to alarm him. (obviously I don’t know when he usually comes in on weekends) Tell him you’ll be happy to drive his date home as well. Or, the girl can stay, whatever. If he is dismayed by this, tell him that he can supply you with the phone number of his date’s mother. He can give you that information within seconds if he wants to be cooperative… waiting for the other parents to call is pointless. The date’s parents are probably not aware that you’re waiting for a call from them. They are probably not going to have a clear and organized schedule of adult supervised activities… but they’ll have more details about the night than you do right now. </p>

<p>I only suggest this because it seems he’s gaming you. A more open discussion would be better, but he seems unwilling to provide details, probably because he thinks you’ll nix them. Be prepared for accusations about how you’re ruining his prom, causing him embarrassment, etc. In fact, expect it and don’t let it get to you. He’s under a lot of pressure. If you haven’t made him sit down with you and your husband to get stuff on the table, please don’t delay. </p>

<p>Sleepovers like this do not have to be 100% evil, in fact they can be totally tame and lots of fun for the kids. I don’t think you need to reject the idea categorically, but I understand that you’re not comfortable with it and that’s fine. There’s a wide range of parental opinion on this topic and each parental unit (smile face) needs to work from their own comfort level. You’ve got very little to go on until you talk to his date’s parents, which you should do even if you had a lot more details.</p>

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<p>chatnoir, Sounds like you are on the right track. Maybe your son is just embarrassed, but to to me the biggest red flag is that he didn’t want you calling this girl’s parents. The situation as you have described it here does sound sketchy, especially the bit about the cousin’s house. Unless you speak to the parents, and they come across as the type who are just as concerned as you, I would not be inclined to allow this with a group of kids you don’t know. You definitely want to get a feel for the type of parents these are, too. Hopefully they are not going to be providing the alcohol and worse themselves. </p>

<p>BTW, my kids have always known that the worst thing they could say to try to convince me of something is that “everyone is doing it.” It’s not such a bad thing to show young adults that just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean that they have to, too. A friend of mine, after much angst, finally made the unpopular decision that she was not going to allow her son to go to the shore and rent a beach house for an unsupervised post prom overnight. Her son was upset and furious since everybody else was doing it. Unexpectedly, after that the other parents withdrew their approval, too and the whole thing fizzled out. It turns out that the other parents weren’t comfortable with it either, but none had the nerve to be the only one to say no. </p>

<p>I guess, my feeling is that as a parent you are not always going to be your kids’ buddy or friend. There’s a lot of talk about being an adult and allowing the HS senior that latitude. The bottom line is that these are still HS seniors living in your house, and this is still one of the highest risk nights of the year. </p>

<p>In this case, where your son is taking a girl because she “already has the dress” and it’s a group of kids you don’t know and plans that are not clear, I’d require a whole lot more to go on before I’d agree to it.</p>

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<p>Speckledegg, I think you are right that my son is trying to run down the clock and avoid the situation until it seems too late for us to stop him. It’s been like pulling teeth, but we have acquired some basic information from him regarding who is in the group, and a general timeline for the evening. My son tried to arrange a limo, but none of the others were willing to pony up the $250 per couple cost (boys were to pay,apparently), so the boys will be driving. I told him I was not comfortable with someone I didn’t know driving into the city (about half an hour) where the prom will be held. When I asked him today, he said he will be driving, which makes me a little more comfortable, but I would have preferred the limo - just not enough to pay the $1000 myself.</p>

<p>He had the number for the girl, but it was missing a digit - I managed to look them up online thru the White Pages (what did we do before the internet?) and have left a message at their home. Unfortunately, I think the parents both work, so I will have to wait for a call. I’m keeping an open-mind, but I am leaning toward requiring that he return that evening - even if it is at 3 AM(we’re normally insistent about 12 AM curfew).</p>

<p>My son loves to argue (I’ve told him if he doesn’t go to law school, I will expect a refund of the tuition I’ll be paying!), so I will remember your advice about not letting it get to me. So often when he starts to insist that we are way too controlling compared to all the other parents, and he will never want to come home once he leaves for college, it hurts my feelings and makes me question what I have been doing for the last 18 years.</p>

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<p>Roshke, it’s always put me on the defensive when my son says that “everyone else’s parents are letting them do it”, and my response has always been “different families have different rules and these are ours”. I try not to let him use that argument, but he is strong-willed and persistent about wearing me down. He definitely does not think of me as a buddy, which makes me a little sad, but I want him to respect me as a parent who has his best interest in mind…that’s the part that he often refuses to believe.</p>

<p>It really has been helpful to hear from other parents on this forum - it makes me feel that I am not being totally unreasonable here, regardless of my son’s opinion.</p>

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<p>“everyone else’s parents are letting them do it”</p>

<p>I don’t care what other parents may be doing.</p>

<p>At a time like this, I don’t care if our kids think we are buddies or if they think we have their best interests at heart. We are willing to listen; but if, after listening, we are satisfied that we are giving our best, fairest judgment, that’s enough for me. </p>

<p>Last year our oldest wanted to go to the shore after a post-prom party, so his group of kids would have been leaving for the shore (two hour drive) at 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. We were not willing to permit that. He got to go to the post-prom party, but not to the shore. He managed to endure the humiliation.</p>

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<p>Some strict parents in hurrrr.</p>

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<p>I know I’m infiltrating on parental territory, but being what I consider a fairly responsible and intelligent teenager (which your son sounds like too), I thought my two cents might be helpful. </p>

<p>1) On Prom…
Your son is probably being hazy and vague about the situation because he himself probably doesn’t know what’s really going on. From my personal observations, so much drama and plans changing occurs leading up to prom as probably every kid in his group is trying to test boundaries, see what’s okay with each parent, etc. Also, as a teenager, I love my parents to death, but I get really annoyed if I have to talk to them too much or clarify details that I’m not entirely sure of…I just think they’re acting too overproctective and I feel irritated that they’re not trusting my judgment. That being said, IF you are allowing him to sleep ANYWHERE other than your own home, talk to the parents of your son’s date, discuss details with them, and guage how comfortable you would be with their supervision of your child. Parents often feel pressured to give into demands from their kids, but kids are pained in giving details to the parents, so talking to another parent, hearing their concerns, etc, will help you make a more informed decision. These parents, more likely than not, will be unsure of what is happening on prom night as well, so by communicating with one another, you can help to formulate safe plans for your children. Drilling your son for details probably won’t help.</p>

<p>2) On Freedom…
My parents were VERY lenient in my upbringing- I had no curfew, I had a car when I started driving, I had my own credit card, etc. I turned out fine (although maybe slightly spoiled), didn’t drink or do any drugs in high school, was ambitious, performed well in school, and got into a good college. They are also VERY lenient in my little brother’s upbringing…and now he’s having trouble in school, started drinking, etc. Each child is different, and regardless of the boundaries you put on them, sometimes you need to depend on their own personal values to superceded their peers influences. While you may feel uncomfortable giving your child these priviledges, people with personal values will uphold these personal values, and sometimes its a good idea to let kids develop these on their own. Some kids, on the other hand, need more discipline. That’s for you, as a parent, to determine what kind of boundaries your son needs beyond the personal ones he’s already developed. Also, I’m aware that peer pressure does play a large role in being a teenager, but from my personal experience, I say no to substances all the time and no one cares or pressures me. </p>

<p>3) On Going Away for College Next Year…
I’m just finishing my first year of college up, and let me tell you, freshman orientation SMELLS. It smells because of all the freshman puking in the garbage cans, and at least one or two kids in my dorm were taken to the hospital almost every night during orientation week for drinking too much. Many kids find their first taste of freedom here in college, go crazy, don’t know their personal boundaries because they’re so used to being told by their parents what to do, that they rebel, get sick, and make fools of themselves. Since your son is heading off to college, this new exploration of freedom is something to consider. My friend and I, who both had similar upbringings of very lenient parents, knew our personal boundaries and values that instead of spending our freshman orientation with our heads in a garbage can, we spent it meeting cool people, eating at nice restaurants, and just “chilling.”</p>

<p>These are just all things coming from the youngin’ side. Wherever your child sleeps that night, KNOW where it is and KNOW who the supervision is because I’ve seen enough stupid decisions being made on Prom night.</p>

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<p>On the one hand, this prom night sleepover is merely a one-night preview of what life is going to be like for your son in a co-ed college dorm next year (up all night, people of both genders, little or no adult supervision). So I can see why your son might think that your concerns are overstated.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I’m a parent like you, and the situation makes me uneasy, too.</p>

<p>Would it be possible for you to tell your son that your main concern is that if the sleepover does not have adult supervision, there is a real risk that the party could be crashed by large numbers of uninvited kids carrying heaven-only-knows-what controlled substances, which could lead to the arrival of the cops, which could lead to arrests that could jeopardize the college admissions of your son and his friends?</p>

<p>Of course, this isn’t the only thing you’re worried about. But it is a legitimate concern, and it’s one that doesn’t insult your son and his friends.</p>