Prom Night Sleepover???

Parent Cafe
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<p>We were also really fortunate. My daughter hosted her last big party sometime around 9th grade. She decided that being a “hostess” for 50 kids wasn’t that much fun. So from then going forward, her parties were much more informal and involved a small group of friends that we knew. In fact, “movie nights” watching DVDs on our home theater system were a pretty regular Friday night affair throughout high school…as were similar gatherings at other friends houses.</p>

<p>So, we weren’t put in a position of being asked to host parties with a bunch of kids that would force us to be policemen.</p>

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<p>I don’t see why your concerns have to be “legitimate” or “well-founded”. You are a parent, you got the “worry license” with birth, and you don’t have to explain yourself.</p>

<p>If that’s what you want to say, tell him the group sex can wait four months when you don’t have to see it. (whoops, I don’t think I said that right…;))</p>

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<p>Lilsmileycolumbian, thank you for the teenager’s perspective - I try to put myself in those (very old for me) shoes, but I’m afraid too much parental garbage gets in the way. You sound like a rather mature freshman, and yes, my son is in general responsible and intelligent, so I hope he will act maturely in college as well.</p>

<p>You say you had lenient parents, but the only thing that they did that was really lenient in my book, from what you said, was the no curfew part. I do tend to have a curfew, but I’m flexible on special occasions like Prom. My son has had a car to drive since he got his license, and he has a debit card. Does that make me a lenient parent??? What qualifies as a lenient parent from a teen’s point of view?</p>

<p>Yeah, I am worried about the freshman experience - my own personal experience makes me all too aware of what lies out there ! I don’t want to give him permission to party, but neither do I want to make it more appealing by completely forbidding it. That’s why we’ve tried to offer him a taste at home, but he hasn’t taken us up on it. I guess he feels weird about having a drink with his parents. I did find it slightly disturbing that he would not take my suggestion to sign up for substance-free dorm!</p>

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<p>Marian, interesting idea about telling my son that the lack of adult supervision could lead to arrest! – however, my son is already convinced that I am paranoid, and I have a feeling he would consider this just another example of that! I, on the other hand, am definitely with you in the logic of your argument!</p>

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<p>Well, lenient in the sense of my independence. I was never pressured to pick up any extracirriculars I didn’t care for, harrassed to study, and I basically had the freedom to do what I chose. My parents had an easy time raising my sister and me, so they assumed it would be the same for my little brother, which I guess is an example of how upbringing ranges from kid to kid and should be at the parents discretion. I guess what I’m trying to say that if your son is a genuinely good kid, and the values you’ve instilled in him have influenced him, then he should be given more freedom on occasions like prom to attend coed sleepovers. DON’T do it unless you talk to the parent hosting, but the more that a teenager feels held back, the more they feel they need to rebel, ESPECIALLY if they’re generally good kids. </p>

<p>As to the wine comment, maybe he just genuinely doesn’t like the taste of alchohol/wine or wants to drink to “loosen” up around people his age, not necessarily to get drunk or because he likes the taste. I picked up drinking in a very small amount in college, and although I’m by NO means close to my parents or anything, they know about my habits. I’m a very typical, free-spirited teenager, and I guess I’m just letting you know that as soon as we’re given freedom, we don’t automatically do as many horrible things as possible.</p>

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<p>Here is another kid view. If you do not agree with my advice, thats ok; nobody else listens to me anyways :)</p>

<p>I too am a hs senior. My parents have always been very lenient with me. I do not have a curfew, they do not mind me drinking (if it is done in a responsible manner), and they view themselves as an advice giving body that has emergency veto power for dangerous situations, which have yet to come up. Sounds like this gives me a license to get drunk and party all the time, right? Well…not exactly. See, I am kind of on the nerdy side and not a particularly big drinker. I have been to many unchaperoned, co-ed sleepovers and parties. My group of friends is not particularly inclined to get drunk/have group sex anyways, so we don’t. The thing is, I have also hung out with people that i didn’t know too well that are into that sort of thing; it didn’t really change who I am and how I have fun. I think the question lies with your son. Is he the type that will get involved in these activities that you do not approve of, or not? I will say that my Prom plans are ending in a co-ed sleepover at one of my friends’ houses. I will also end with an anecdote.</p>

<p>Some of my friends want to have a BBgun fight. My first reaction was no, and so was my second, and my third…so I am not participating. My parents would not let me do this, probably, although I am sure if i really wanted to I could get them to say yes; afterall, my dad used to have BBgun fights when he was a kid. My other friend wants to do it but his parents are really strict…REALLY strict. He’s not asking them. The organizer of the event is 18 and buying the other kid his gun for him. What does this mean? I dont know :P</p>

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<p><<<< (I say smart kids do stupid things too!). >>></p>

<p>yes… and smart kids (and “nice” kids) have sex drives, too!</p>

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<p>One of best friend’s son went to his HS prom 2 years ago with “just a friend”. (Really, it was JUST a friend.) Well… they, too, went to a “supposedly” supervized co-ed sleepover and my friend thought, "this is ok, they are just friends, they’re A students, and they’re “nice kids”.</p>

<p>Prom came and went. Then, summer and fall came and the son went off to college in one city and his friend went off somewhere else. At Christmastime, my friend’s son came home from college and he got a phone call, his “just a friend” informed him that she was very pregnant and due in February!!!</p>

<p>Altho they are not a “couple” (they never were) they are now “co-parenting” this baby while also trying to go to their respective colleges. What a mess…</p>

<p>As I wrote earlier, Smart kids and nice kids have sex drives. Even when they are just with “friends”.</p>

<p>BTW… We hosted the the coed “after Homecoming party” but the later “sleepover” was for boys only… One parent picked up the girls and they all spent the night at one girl’s house.</p>

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<p>hmmm, i agree with jlauer. I am considered a smart kid (i’m heading off to Harvard next year) and I listen to my parents on most occasions (i am a notorious good girl, i have never been in serious trouble with my parents and i generally get grounded for minor things, like not cleaning my room). but in the group setting, it’s hard to resist the pressure. When i was a sophomore, there was a post homecoming party (not a sleepover) but at the party a friend of mine apparently gave her boyfriend a blow job… it was the biggest scandal of our AP circuit, but looking back on that incident, it is not that shocking. just like jlauer said, even smart/good kids have sexual urges…</p>

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<p>Agreed. Teenagers in high school do have sex drives. And this one in particular will also be in college next year, and if they’re heading off to the typical college, they can have anybody come into their room and anytime and spend the night, or heck, for a tumble in bed. Sex doesn’t just happen at night, and not just prom night, although there certainly is the pressure. Educating your kid about contraceptives and how to properly use them will, in the long run, probably be more beneficial than prohibiting one incident at prom night. My concerns when I post aren’t as a parent, so I can’t possibly understand how you feel, but healthy sexual relationships will come if parents are open and supportive of their children. Sexually repressed kids…well…I have many stories about that too (which involve “good” kids running off, marrying, and disowning their family). My concern with this post prom sleepover is saftey. Kids get together, they drink, they do drugs, and they do stupid things. MOST after prom parties that I hear about are the typical movie and pass out type events combined with some substnace experimentation, but substances can lead to poor judgment. </p>

<p>If the main concern with the a sleepover is sexual activity, than talk to your son about it. Most likely he’ll fidget and feel uncomfortable, as I hate talks with my parents like that, but it’s better that you address these concerns than assume he’s going to have sex any chance he gets…especially during the pressure that may occur to make prom a “memorable” evening.</p>

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<p>Parents, it seems to me that at this point, (about 4 months left til our babies move out) it’s a little late to be trying overhard to restrict behavior. Yes it’s your house and your rules. But as long as your kids are safe, why not let them overnight? They won’t be driving around or lying about where they are if you encourage and support safe behavior. If your kids are contemplating sex, prom night may be an easy excuse to become active, but it’s going to happen soon anyway. Hopefully we have raised smart kids who understand the consequences of their behavior. If they don’t by now, then well, prom night is not your biggest problem. </p>

<p>And kids, you know the rules 1) Don’t under any circumstances a) drink (even a bit) and drive b) let your friends drive. And about the sex thing, we know your parents are not going to control this. So be smart. </p>

<p>Personally, I am SO grateful that my daughter is so much smarter and better behaved than I was. I rebelled at my mother’s attempt to control me. I lied and did really stupid things. When my daughter was born, I vowed to learn everything I could from my relationship with my mom. As a result, I did things very differently when it came to setting limits with my daughter. I have always given her a lot of freedom and held her accountable for actions.</p>

<p>Kids, as hard as it is to believe, many of your parents made stupid mistakes as teenagers. (Hey it was the 60s & 70s.) You will probably never hear about the really embarassing ones, but understand that parents’ attempts to control you are coming from love and their determination that you not make similar mistakes.</p>

<p>Have a great time. Party safely. Tell your parents you love and appreciate them!</p>

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<p>YoMama, this is not the first time I’ve attempted to restrict my son’s behavior - I have to say that since he was a toddler, I have been setting limits and he has been pushing them. Yes, he is going to college in the fall, and I realize my actual control over him will greatly diminish, but while he is under my supervision, I still need to have some rules. I have given him more freedoms as he has earned them with his responsible behavior, but I feel I still have to focus on safety - as an adolescent male, that’s not foremost in his mind.</p>

<p>Lilsmileycolumbian, yes, safety is mostly what I am concerned with here, although the sex thing matters as well. (jlauer’s disturbing anecdote certainly highlights that for me!) My goal in setting limits with the sleepover is making sure that my son will remain safe on Prom Night.</p>

<p>Well, here’s an update. I finally reached the mother of my son’s date last night on the phone. Her accent made it a little difficult for me to understand everything she was saying, but the gist of it was that she is letting her daughter decide where the post prom will be held - and though she has offered to have it at her house, her daughter would like to go to her cousin’s apartment (I think it’s about 10-15 minutes from the mom) and hang out, watch movies, whatever. Apparently, she feels safe with this cousin since she has babysat her daughter since she was younger, although I find that odd as well - apparently the cousin is only 20 years old!!! This is what the mother considers adult supervision. Oh, and she felt that by telling her daughter that she might check in on them over the course of the night, this would be another method of ensuring proper behavior.</p>

<p>I think I was prepared to be open-minded and allow my son to do this, if he were actually attending a party where there was adult supervision by an adult I had reached an understanding with. This did not happen. I am not comfortable with a 20 year old supervising my son and 7 other teens. The mom said they are all too young to go and buy alcohol - I do not know what planet she has been living on!</p>

<p>After this conversation, my husband and I had a talk with my son. This also did not go well. He continued to insist that we were being unreasonably strict and that none of the other parents had a problem with this. We explained that we were not comfortable with the fact that we did not really know these people and that there was no ADULT supervision. We offered our home as an alternative. He threatened to not attend the prom, which we said was up to him, but we were willing to listen if he had a plan that would satisfy our concerns. As of this morning, he is still not happy with us, but much as I do not want to push him further away or cause a major rebellion, I just don’t feel that this sleepover will be a good situation.</p>

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<p>Chatnoir, you handled the situation <em>exactly</em> the way I would have. I think it was a very wise decision on your part. “This too shall pass”, just keep that in mind. :-)</p>

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<p>OK Chatnoir, I was hoping you’d update us. The other mom is totally clueless. Looks like you’ve defined two directions: your son can go to the prom and drive home at a certain time, since you will not give permission for him to spend the night at either the cousin’s or the clueless mom’s homes, OR your son can go to the prom and bring the kids back to your house for a party. Not sure if you offered to host a sleepover… if so, given your opening position, you are really trying hard here to make the pieces of the puzzle fit. Now, if your son decides not to attend, that is his choice so you are absolutely correct that it is up to him. It will hurt both of you if he opts out, but hopefully he’ll decide that half an apple is better than no apple at all, so to speak, and will find a way to at least salvage the dinner/dance part of the evening.</p>

<p>The one good thing I see here is that your son is showing a high level of inexperience and a low level of skill here in terms of tricking you and maneuvering behind your back… it would shame him for you to express this, so just give yourself a quiet little pat on the back for getting this far and a nod to the heavens for not having to deal with it all during high school. Basically your son’s got nothing in place, no plan, no backup stories, etc. He is demonstrating ineptitude as to how to organize the evening and achieve the kind of experience he wants to have while at the same time addressing your parental concerns. It’s not a permanent condition, but it has got to be frustrating him beyond belief. Just as he probably expected, you spoke to the other mom and nixed the plans… which is probably one reason why he was trying to be vague all along.</p>

<p>He seems to be serving as one of the night’s designated drivers, which he may consider to be akin to taking one for the team. (Though this is very good from a parental point of view and a small victory for Team Mom! My kid took a limo but if they had been driving, I’d have trusted him to drive more than the others.) The ability to sleep over at the cousin’s house would be his opportunity to drink (or whatever). If they stay at the cousin’s they can party more openly. Obviously, if the kids stay at the other mom’s house or at your house, they will still have the option of sneaking in alcohol if they are motivated to do so. If you think this is a real possibility, then you need to consider in advance how you will handle it, should the party end up at your house. </p>

<p>Having your kid opt out of prom might be his choice, but it will create a problem in your relationship with him which could linger into the summer and beyond. I hope he can come up with something that works for both of you. Have you considered sketching out the type of party you’d feel comfortable hosting at your home… just to help offer a solid vision for him to work with? </p>

<p>You could also contact the other parents in the group to offer your home as an option. They might be relieved and jump on the bandwagon. Probably they are also being kept in the dark also. Are the other kids all tight friends, or a loosely knit group?</p>

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<p>I also think you handled the situation as best you could (considering how late your son was with information and how little time you had to help with alternatives), and I would not want my kids (17) to attend an overnight at a 20 year-old’s apartment. I think it was wonderful of you to offer your home as an alternative. The fact that he didn’t take you up on it makes me think that the kids really want no supervision, and that’s not a good sign. Hang in there, Chatnoir.
Also, I wouldn’t worry about “pushing him away.” These kinds of disgreements are normal and he will come around as he matures.
I would bet that in five years he will look back at this and be amazed at his behavior. It reminds me a bit of my daughter when she was 15 and thought she should be able to have friends over while her dad and I were out of town. You would have thought we told her she had to enter a convent! Three years later, she looked back and said, “Geez, I sure acted like a spoiled brat!” They do grow up.</p>

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<p>There is another option but it’s very labor intensive and somewhat expensive. One reason why parents encourage the use of prom limos is that the limo driver provides a basic level of supervision for the group. Most of the limos in our area are very strict about alcohol and appropriate behavior, and there are procedures they must follow in case the rules are breached. Even at this late date, you might be able to find a limo to transport the group for the night. After the prom, the limo could take the kids to a comedy club or restaurant in the city, then after that for maybe a scenic drive overlooking the twinkling city lights or a 2am stop at a beach in their formalwear for nifty pictures (not sure where you live). Wherever they want to go, they can ask to be driven there. They could even do a tour of wacky places like fast food restaurants, their elementary schools, the local statue, etc. and get out and take pictures at each place. Then the limo brings the kids back to your home for a big breakfast at about 4am, that you and your husband prepare. The kids change, eat, then settle in lounging around watching a dvd and falling asleep. At this point you and your husband make yourselves scarce but keep your ears open. If the limo leaves from your house earlier that night, the kids’ cars will already be parked there and they can leave sometime before noon. If the limo picks up each couple one by one, then the parents could pick up the kids in the morning.</p>

<p>This sort of plan offers basic supervision, action, safety, fun, and a plan. Yes, it would be costly and the other parents might be unwilling to chip in. BUT- it makes for a night of memories and something more palatable for you. Is it indulgent, well, yeah. But I can tell that you’re struggling to have your son’s prom not be a total disaster and just thought I’d throw it into the mix.</p>

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<p>Good job! :)</p>

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<p>You definitely made the right move. It sounds like a pretty sketchy plan. Ultimately, only you know your son and how he will behave in an unsupervised environment. </p>

<p>Why are you, however, disturbed by jlauer’s anecdote? Do you not think your son is responsible enough to use a condom?</p>

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<p>Thanks to all of you for your support here :slight_smile: - I do feel that we handled it the only way we could, although it breaks my heart to think we may be driving him further away from us. Still, as some of you have said, I need to focus on being his parent, and not his buddy. </p>

<p>Speckledegg, one of the reasons that my son is driving is because the others wouldn’t pony up for a limo, so your idea about a limo tour, though it sounds great to me, wouldn’t work for them. My son checked into the limo, and when he told the other boys what the cost would be (apparently it was a given that the boys had to pay for everything), they nixed the idea. I personally don’t feel up to paying the $1000 cost on my own. At first, he was planning on being a passenger in one of the cars, which would be driven by a boy I do not know at all, but I let him know right away that I would not be comfortable with that and would prefer that he drive since I know that he is a safe and experienced driver who is familiar with driving into the city (where the prom will be).</p>

<p>I’ve asked him to provide me with the complete names of the others, but he is not cooperating there either - he’s just given me the first names, but I have managed to figure out some of them. I don’t think I will get anywhere contacting the families of this group, although I did mention that possibility to my son. His date’s mom said she knew most of the kids in the group - just not my son and another boy. Most of the other kids normally hang out together. That doesn’t really help me, since I don’t know any of them, but it makes her comfortable with the situation. Again, if I were comfortable with the vibes I got from her, things might be different!</p>

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<p>Maybe the OP and I are the only ones who might assume that a boy who is going to a Prom with “just a friend” isn’t anticipating sex that night (and therefore wouldn’t have a condom.) Frankly, if I was going to the prom with “just a friend” I would be insulted if I found out he brought a condom with him. I would feel like he had been secretly planning on trying to “get some”. </p>

<p>(Also: Put yourself in the shoes of the parents of the girl; how would YOU feel if your d’s PLATONIC friend brought a condom with him when he arrived to escort your d to the prom. )</p>

<p>One problem that has not been mentioned is this.</p>

<p>Any kids who are going to prom, generally begin their evening together sometime around 5 pm. Proms generally end between 12 or 1 am. The post prom affairs usually run from about 1 - 3. At that point, a "normal red-blooded couple with a normal sex drive has been together for about 10 hours – some of those hours their bodies are pressed tightly together. Even if a couple had not intended on the evening ending between the sheets, is it any wonder that so many often do??? Any “self-control” can be overwhelmed over time. Just try to figure out within that 10 hour period the young man has felt “aroused” – sorry to be so blunt, but let’s deal with reality of young male sexuality. The boy would have to be castrated not to have those “feelings” at least 20 times that night (or maybe just one non stop arousal!). When you further complicate the situation by placing the girl in a sleeping bag next to him after these 10 hours, you are just asking for trouble.</p>