<p>Quote: “Should I make my son leave after the prom, or should I think about allowing him to hang out with the group BRIEFLY, for a movie, and then return home around 2? He again insisted that he was not planning on participating in any illicit activity (and I do trust him, but the key word is PLANNING - who knows what he will be up against -it’s the others I don’t trust!). Maybe this would be a fair compromise to the whole sleepover mess - or would it be too much like giving in?”</p>
<p>It would be good for your son to participate in some of the afterprom. Here is where you can be flexible for best results. Even if the prom is scheduled to end at midnight or whatever, there is no guarantee that your son’s group will stay until the very end. And that’s okay. If they decide to leave a little early, that’s fine. But you want to know what he’s doing. </p>
<p>How about if your son calls you when they leave the prom. He drives to the afterprom location and calls you when he arrives. Now you know he’s off the road. This second call should be made from a landline; when the number lights up on your caller ID or cell, it will confirm his location (assuming you were given the correct number to begin with).</p>
<p>It’s very possible that the afterprom location will change if the kids hear of another party while they’re at the prom. Let’s assume that he sticks with the original plan, which sounds like the cousin’s house. </p>
<p>Let’s say it is now 11:30pm, or 12:30am, it doesn’t matter. Instead of setting up a specific time for pick-up, and I do think you should pick him up since it will be later than he’s used to, he is likely to be fatigued after the long evening, and he’s unfamiliar with the neighborhood, suggest that he call you within the hour to set a definite pick up time. It’s up to him to make sure he makes this happen. This will give him the chance to get a handle on what’s going on, whether they are going to watch a movie or not, etc. Whether that time ends up being 2am or 3am really doesn’t matter so much as him completing the evening safely and as positively as possible. I would give a little extra leash here if when you talk to him you sense that he is in fact sober, happy, the background noise sounds consistent with what he tells you, etc.
For instance, if there is a movie going on, you would try to arrive at its conclusion, not at its halfway point. Once the pickup time is set, you both need to commit to it.</p>
<p>So to recap, 1) he calls when he leaves the prom, 2) he calls when he gets to the cousin’s house, and 3) he calls an hour later to confirm your pick up time, which is sometime between 2am and 3am (count on 3am!). Maybe you’ll drive his date home, or maybe she’ll elect to sleep over. When you arrive at the house, just call his cell and have him come out, don’t ring the doorbell. Duh. And don’t expect him to be waiting on the stoop for you. </p>
<p>What you do not want is to force him to leave before he is ready, have him comply, but then have him sneak out of the house once you turn out the lights and go to bed. </p>
<p>BTW, If you pick him up, what are you going to do with his car which is there?</p>
<p>Don’t concern yourself with being kept up on prom night. It’s your birthright to be a little nervous (just a little) and sleep deprived and it’s his night, not yours. Especially a kid who’s always been home by midnight! He may consider it the most awesome night ever just because he got to stay out until 2 or 3am. Don’t worry about a nookie fest; if you’re sending him off with condoms have your husband discuss it with him today so the message is not linked so directly with the prom experience. I think in today’s American Pie world both male and female promgoers should carry condoms. I rather like the idea of high school seniors howling over the misguided notions of their parents to send them all off with condoms, and pulling them out of their pockets and evening bags to compare colors and styles… maybe blowing them up to make balloon animals…well, maybe not at the banquet table but later on…sure beats the alternative and takes some of the heat off the wedding-like romance expectations of today’s prom culture. </p>
<p>There’s just too much hype over this dumb prom evening.
Hearing that the date offered to hang out with him at her parent’s house is a good sign and a nice gesture, though a bit weird… she would consider her friends hanging out at the cousin’s without her? I don’t quite get it. </p>
<p>Usually the more turmoil before an event, the tamer the event turns out to be. It’s like the Murphy’s Law of teen nightlife: the bigger deal we parents make over things, the more it turns out to be an overreaction. Another indication of the night unrolling peacefully.</p>
<p>The best result for the night will come from you and your son each getting what you “need” from the arrangements: supervision vs. independence, for one. If you can each articulate that in some detail, then afterwards you’ll be able to assess the success of the night in terms of the parent-son negotiation. Trying to balance need vs. need may help reframe your discussions from win vs. lose, which is a power-based result. It’s not going to balance out perfectly, but it may help you to move your two positions closer together. Most importantly, it will help set the stage for a summer full of nightlife and the many discussions to come. I have no doubt that you want him to have a terrific (and of course safe) evening, and I’m sure he wants the same. Hopefully it will work out for both of you and when you look back on it, you’ll feel that you felt successful in meeting your responsibilities as a mom, and he felt successful in managing the parts of the evening that were within his control. </p>
<p>How are you handling the pre-prom pictures?</p>