Prom Night Sleepover???

Parent Cafe
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<p>Actually, my kids are both very independent and strong-willed, and my son definitely tried to test limits with others – that’s where the “mom won’t bail you out” part came in. I realized very early on that he would do fine with teachers who set very clear boundaries and expectations, but would give the fuzzy wafflers a run for their money. And my approach of only a few, ironclad set in stone rules meant that I was also setting clear boundaries, even if they were very wide ones. I mean, my kids knew very clearly what they could get away with and what they couldn’t with me. </p>

<p>But the point is, there was no drama around issues like curfews or clothing. I mean, if the kids wanted to wear pajamas to school I’d send them in pajamas. If they wanted ice cream for dinner I’d let them have it. If they wanted to stay up watching t.v. all night, I’d say fine – as long as you keep the volume down so it doesn’t bother me. The novelty for all these little rebellions wore off quickly. </p>

<p>No bedtimes in elementary school, no curfews in high school. What happened when they were little is that they both developed very strict bedtimes on their own – later than the ones typically imposed by most parents, but well before the time I usually go to bed. They put themselves to bed and were quite rigid about going to sleep at their self-determined hour – and they fell asleep immediately. This is in contrast to my own childhood, where every night was a big battle with my parents over bedtime, followed by my staying up and reading for hours every night with a flashlight under the covers. So you can see why I backed off when it came to my own kids. </p>

<p>I realize that some kids might seem to lack that common sense – I do have stories from friends about pre-schoolers climbing onto the roof of their house, etc. - and there is at least one kid that I wouldn’t let into my house at that age for fear that if left unsupervised for 10 minutes he might end up burning down the house. But my own kids didn’t have a problem in that respect - no self-destructive or risk-seeking behavior. So the issues I had to worry about were more along the lines of watching too much t.v. or not getting enough sleep. And I just figured that I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff. </p>

<p>But again: I’m not saying that’s for everyone. Just that worked for me. I don’t like family conflict – and it is very, very rare for me and my kids to argue or disagree over anything.</p>

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<p>Thanks, ASAP, you perfectly described my position. Yes, my son was a tough one from birth (your experience with your daughter amazingly mirrors my own) - I had no idea that babies cried nonstop, but that is what my son did from the moment they handed him to me in the hospital. The nurses euphemistically announced that he was a “cuddly” baby - little did I know that it meant I would have to carry him in my arms for the next 5 months of constant crying (except when eating or sleeping - it took an hour of crying before he would settle in). When he was a toddler, I had to follow him around because he became aggressive with other kids - his idea of social interaction was to push someone. In preschool, the teachers would present me with a daily report of his physical interactions - he wasn’t mean, just didn’t know how to control his hands. This continued through until we moved across the country and he started in a gifted program in 3rd grade. But from the time he was little, my bible was Stanley Turecki’s The Difficult Child - I think I memorized that book!</p>

<p>In school, I found that he did well when he had teachers who were firm, but loving - he craved structure, and he was also basically a friendly kid who understood about following the rules - just needed some extra guidance to do so. For us, also, the golden years were from 10-13, but then adolescence kicked in, and it’s been a challenge all over again!!!</p>

<p>I have two other children who unfortunately have also been affected by the high intensity in our household. My daughter, the middle child, is completely different from my son, and as a result they don’t get along. She is a perfectionist who always worries about doing the right things, which is a bit worrisome to me in a different way since she puts the stress on herself. The youngest, another boy, was always a pleasure and everyone’s favorite, but now that he’s hit 13, I see trouble ahead - especially since he looks up to his brother (college is coming at the right time!).</p>

<p>I absolutely agree that some of the parenting we do is really related to the individual temperament of each child. I would love to have a more relaxed household, as you seem to, Calmom. It would be great if I did not always have to clarify the limits and enforce them. I don’t think I necessarily have more rules than the typical parent:
1) No hurting others
2)Be polite and respectful
3) Do your homework/work
4) Clean your room (for the teens, this is pretty much overlooked!)
5) Respect curfew/inform us of your whereabouts
6) Limit time on the computer/gaming devices
7) Get enough sleep (don’t push this too much with the oldest anymore)
8) Be present for family meals when possible
9) No Alcohol, Sex, or Drugs!!!
Okay, that’s basically all I can think of, not in any particular order. I can’t see which ones I can eliminate. Maybe I’m overparenting here, but I feel I need to do what I can to make sure that my kids become decent, respectful human beings. Perhaps I’m not as flexible as they’d like me to be in enforcing the rules, although sometimes I worry about being inconsistent, but like any parent, I guess I’m human and can just do the best I can at the time - I do aways try to keep an open mind, and to listen to them.</p>

<p>I just have to hope that my other two kids will not become like their brother, and start to push the limits - or at least, one at a time, please!</p>

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<p>

Great advice for any parent. </p>

<p>

Yes, and amen. In a nutshell. Fortunately, mine never did the roof-climbing routine, but there were similarly scary incidents. </p>

<p>Common sense kicked in around age 16. Even my daughter knew she wasn’t ready for her driver’s liscense until 17, even though she was the only one in her class who didn’t have it. Kid’s develop at different rates. She’s finally caught up with her peers, however, although occassionally I’ll see a glimpse of the child in her, such as when she called the other day asking if she should ship home her plastic coat hangers. (would your kids give this a moment’s thought, much less thought it worthy of a phone call?)</p>

<p>She has managed to handle herself extremely well these last few years, both at school and alone, abroad. Now, I look back and laugh at some of her antics (since we both lived through them) but she looks back and is appalled at her behavior. Not because she meant to be “bad”, but because she was so clueless and had so little perspective on how the world works.
She hopes her own kids get her brother’s genes!</p>

<p>an addendum - I really cherish her individuality- especially now that she’s a very capable young adult. She’s the most creative, spirited, life-loving individual I’ve ever known. Her kids would be lucky to get her genes, in spite of how hard it might be on her.</p>

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<p>Calmom, it sounds like your hands-off approach has worked well with your kids, but it’s not something I could ever be comfortable with - I think I’m too type A for that! :slight_smile: (No wonder my kids are so difficult !)</p>

<p>Funny you should mention that your parenting is related to the way your parents raised you. I have to say that my approach is also a result of the way I was parented - basically no real guidelines (my parents were divorced and my mother tried to be more of a sister than a mother to me), and some inconsistent rules and enforcement. As a teen, I regularly broke curfew (after the first time, I wasn’t sure what it even was), and I definitely did all te stuff I wouldn’t want my kids to do (it was the 70’s - 80’s!). My father never had a clue because I was a good student and he did not have any rules for me. So, perhaps because of my own experience, I’m tough on my kids!</p>

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<p>Chatnoir - You may find that when your oldest leaves home, your house takes on a different, calmer air. I wouldn’t worry too much about your youngest - if he’s learned how to be successful being charming, he’ll probably continue doing that. :wink: Boys often stop talking to their moms about that time, though - you may need to check up on his doings through his friends’ moms…
And your daughter may loosen up a bit, hopefully. I think the kids who put stress on themselves for perfection have the hardest time of all. They’re easy for us because they’re so “good”, but we need to be sure they are really happy, and feeling loved for who they are rather than what they do.
It sounds to me like you’re doing a fine job. You still have your sense of humor!</p>

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<p>"You may find that when your oldest leaves home, your house takes on a different, calmer air. "</p>

<p>I have to admit, I have fantasized about cozy dinners for four, with pleasant discussions about our family plans and little anecdotes that everyone will share about their day… </p>

<p>ASAP, you’re right about my other kids as well - you must be an experienced mom! It sounds like your daughter is turning out just fine, which is a hopeful sign for me - but I have to admit that I have occasionally wished on my son a child just like himself, more in a vengeful way than with the positive thoughts you have for your daughter!</p>

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<p>Your thoughts will change when he becomes a capable adult… and it will happen! Boys are often late bloomers. It may not happen until he’s 25, but it will happen, I can promise you.</p>

<p>(my daughter takes after her daddy …shhh…it took him until around age 29 to really become a grown up. But now he’s the BEST EVER!!)</p>

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<p>Chatnoir, how did things end up tonight? Please keep us posted!</p>

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<p>Happy Mother’s Day!</p>

<p>Here’s the end of the chapter:</p>

<p>On Friday, my son informed us that because his group felt badly about his not being able to join them, they were changing their plans so they would not be going to the cousin’s house. They would be going to his date’s house directly from the prom and the plan was to watch movies all night. By doing this, they would be complying with one of the two main concerns I had indicated to him - there would be adult supervision. </p>

<p>My husband, who has always been the lenient parent, stepped in here and decided that this would be ok. This is a whole other issue, but my husband and I, although we generally present a united front and share the same values, tend to have different approaches to parenting - I’m the disciplinarian, and he’s the lenient parent.</p>

<p>I told my son I was still uncomfortable with the situation because the conversation I had with the girl’s mom had not exactly inspired confidence in me, and my other main concern that I had never even met any of the people involved was still a problem. After he thought about this for a little while, my son came back to me with an invitation to the pre-prom, where I would be able to take pictures and meet everyone, including some of the other parents! I felt I’d scored a minor victory here, because for the last few years my son has been working hard to minimize my opportunities for involvement in his life. He also promised to comply with our request for check-ins throughout the night (thanks, Speckledegg, for the landline suggestion - that way we knew through caller id that he was where he was supposed to be!).</p>

<p>So, I got to meet everyone and see for myself that things would probably be ok. This, combined with the fact that my son has always behaved responsibly and reliably, even though he likes to test the limits, convinced me that I could trust him and the situation, even though things weren’t perfect (I would have been much happier if the sleepover could have been at my house). This letting go process has been hard for me - I am the kind of parent who has always wanted to be in control - but I realize that sometimes the best outcome you can hope for is a compromise that has evolved from clear communication - and you don’t need to win every battle, just the war.</p>

<p>My son returned this morning at 8 AM safe and sound, but tired, with a dozen roses for me - Happy Mother’s Day!</p>

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<p>Thanks for the update - it sounds like it worked out well.</p>

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<p>Happy Mother’s Day indeed! :)</p>

<p>What a great outcome- enjoy your day!</p>

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<p>Glad to hear that things worked out okay! Having the group shift plans so that your son would be included speaks very well for them. The roses were a very nice touch.</p>

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<p>I am happy to read that it all worked out. One thought I had is that since you have younger kids you might try to make some changes in the way prom works at your high school. The high schools in our area each host after-proms that seem to be well attended. They usually prizes that are raffled throughout the night and then a grand prize that is drawn at the end that the winner must be present. That gives them a safe place to go after the prom and still be with friends. It doesn’t guarantee that drinking, drugs and sex won’t happen but at least it helps.</p>