Prom Sadness

Parent Cafe
1

Hopefully this won’t be a problem, but I’m trying to be prepared just in case. We are 3 weeks out from ticket sales and my daughter doesn’t have a date or any prospects that she knows of. She’s a nice girl, pretty but on the shy side. She has a nice group of friends, some with dates and some without. She’s been on ways and means since 9th grade, planning and fund raising for senior prom and she is in danger of not going. This is the time of year that the girls start to get aggressive and lock down the single boys, but she doesn’t seem to have it in her to do that. She wants to be asked…the Prom Proposal…or whatever they call it. I think she had a dream in mind and that doesn’t seem to be happening.

What’s a mom to do??? And yes, I will stay out of it and be supportive, but seriously, what do you do if your child doesn’t get asked? Not the end of the world, but, she really does want to go. I wanted high school to end on a high note, but we seem to be limping to the finish. I know the easy answer is that she should ask someone, and I have suggested that, but she doesn’t want to hear it. I know at some schools groups of girls go, but I don’t think that happens at our school.

Advice??

2

My D doesn’t have a date either…thankfully, it’s not a rule at our school that you need a date…so 11 of them are renting a limo and going as a big group…with a couple of “couples” but mostly buddies. Much more civilized, ya know? :slight_smile:

3

Back in my own day, and at my kids’ school, girls asked guys all the time. I don’t get all the new hype over the big prom proposals these days.

4

Either she asks someone or she goes with a group. Does she have any guy friends she could ask? You don’t have to date the person, and lots of people go as friends.

5

I never went to prom and lived. She will too if this is how things turn out.

I would remind her that if she is only willing to go under her specified conditions - the Prom Proposal - then she needs to realize it might not happen.

My D2 is a senior this year. She goes to an all girls school and is not really social with any boys. Her activities don’t cross over to the boys schools. She has not been interested in any of the school “dances” (except freshman year winter dance) so I figured prom just was not on her radar. She told me last year that her anatomy group of friends is talking of going together - just a few girls going together dateless - she seems to be kind of excited. Does your D’s school encourage girl groups attending???

6

My daughter invited a junior to go to her senior prom. They were good friends, and he knew a number of her friends. They all rode the same pary bus to the event, and had a great time.

Any chance your daughter could extend an invitation to a friend?

7

Kids in our area often go together as a group. Both paired up and not. Ofttimes, they prefer going not paired, for less drama/more fun.

8

You said you “don’t think” groups of kids go together. Find out. I bet a lot do, and it won’t be a big deal. And let her know this whole promposal thing is a pretty recent development and so blown out of proportion. I can’t stand it.

9

I think it is really unfortunate that the concept of the big prom ask has now become yet another way for kids to put pressure on themselves and feel like failures. It’s a precursor of the wedding industrial complex. Argh.

I’d love to see proms go back to kids decorating the gym. I’m sorry, I know this doesn’t help you at all.

I think your D needs to understand that many, if not most, HS guys are not particularly into going to proms. They are unlikely to do the big ask thing, even if they would be willing to go. They probably feel the pressure and resulting awkwardness also. She needs to ask a male friend who is also friendly with her group, or arrange to go with the group if everyone else is into it. It is likely that she has female friends who are in the same position. A lot of girls ask younger guys. She can ask a guy friend if he would like to go with her and hang with her group of friends without making it into a big romantic to-do. A prom invitation does not have to be an overblown declaration of everlasting love. Dialing down the expectations might make her feel more comfortable about it. :slight_smile:

10

It sounds like she has her heart set on the prom proposal and will not branch out to an alternative. If her school doesn’t do girl groups, then I understand that would not be a viable option for her. I think I’d set her down and be kind and straightforward with her at this point (the sympathy and shoulder to cry on came come later if that happens). I’d tell her that she has options, and it seems to be getting late for her to keep hoping and dreaming for that proposal. Ask her if she is willing to do those things (ask a friend or ask a date). If she says no, then tell her that you expect her to take it like a young adult if things don’t go her way then. She needs to take ownership of that. Make her feel that she is in control of this. And that if she doesn’t get asked, it was HER decision to go down that path.

If it happens that she doesn’t go to Prom, then you can be the shoulder to cry on.

11

I will skip the philosophical discussion of gender expectations and all those pc conversations trying to convince a child that this won’t matter in a few years. Because, right now, it matters to your child. (It DOES matter, right? Or are you projecting YOUR desires to see your child go off to prom with a date?)

If you and your D have a good relationship, I suggest you find a time to relax with her, out to eat or at home with a plate of warm brownies, and try to have an honest conversation. What will it feel like if she doesn’t go to prom, will she regret it more than living through the possible awkwardness of arriving as a single? What are her very best friends doing? Throughout the high school years, my D went as a single, went along with her BF and BF’s date, went with several other girlfriends, and went with a date. All those special high school dances/proms she went to without a date had some awkward moments for my shy child, but she found ways to have fun and chose not to sit all alone at home.

If your D chooses to stay home from prom, could you find someone extra special to do that weekend? A mother/daughter trip to a spa, a weekend getaway to a destination she’s been wanting to experience for years, etc.? Is there a cousin she doesn’t get to see often that you could visit, or a college you could revisit and attend some fun event there? Lots of ideas to distract her if she chooses not to go.

If she tells you she has her heart set on being asked to prom, then you need to be honest with her about ways she can make it known she wants to attend prom. I understand she doesn’t want to chase guys down, but shy guys plus shy girls can equal no one goes to prom. Saying the words out loud during a conversation that includes single boys “Yes, I would enjoy going to prom” or “I haven’t been asked to prom yet, but would really enjoy going.” Whatever she can muster with her words will help. Remind her that boys can really be clueless.

Maybe you and D can figure out who is still single, and of those who she already has some connection with. (In other words, she wouldn’t want to try to get someone she doesn’t know well enough to have a conversation with to ask her to prom.) Are there any boys on the fundraising committee she’s on that are still single for prom?

Moms don’t need an excuse to hurt on behalf of our kids. Feel your daughter out, make sure you are getting to the honest heart of her dilemma. Then, lay out the choices. Do a little work (and feel awkward) trying to get a date, choose to rise above the whole dating scene and go alone or with friends, or sit at home and feel awkward not attending prom. Make sure she understands it is a choice, she has the freedom to make her own choice.

12

Suggest that she talk to some of the other girls who haven’t been asked yet and see if they will make a pact that whoever isn’t asked will go together in a group.

I didn’t go to my own prom. My d went without a date. She ended up having a great time. A boy she’s known since kindergarten went by himself. His family is fairly religious and of a different faith than ours. It’s not something he rebels against at all; he’s fairly religious too. Asking my D to go with him would never have crossed his mind. Asking him wouldn’t have crossed hers. My understanding is that they danced just about every fast dance together just as friends They were both glad they were there and had someone to dance with whom nobody would tease them about. . They were in different social groups so they went to different post-prom parties.

A friend who had a date later told my D she was SO envious. My D got to dance more than she did and her date was “all over her” and had ideas of how to celebrate after prom that she didn’t share.

13

My daughter went to her senior prom with a mixed-sex group that included singles and couples - like 20 of them in one limo and seated at two tables - she had a great time. Some of the couples were just friends who went as dates and some were a “real couple”. Some of the singles were guys as well as girls. It did take a lot of arranging to get this all worked out - chipping in for the limo - who was having the before party - who went at which table (tickets had to be bought by table) etc. Most of the non-couple dates were part of her friend group anyway.

14

I have found that the people ( males) that I have had the most fun with, are those that I approached myself.
Why should men be the ones who are expected to take the risk, and why should women be the ones to patiently wait?
The ones that approached me first, often had qualities I didn’t care for.
I like to make my own decisions.
I took a chance & approached my H first when I was 18, we’ve now been married 34 years!

15

I’m finding it hard to imagine a school these days that singles (girls or girls/guys) don’t go as a group. My D did years ago. I think she had a better time than if she’d gone with a BF. And she danced all night. In fact if your D has just one other friend and knows of some stag guys she can form the group. The guys are happy to be part of the group too believe me. Or if she has friends going with BF’s just join them.
Encourage the group situation. So low stress. We took plenty of pictures (the group met at our house) and it was really nice.
BFs are over rated at that age…I don’t get the prom ask thing at all.
A senior prom won’t be repeated (for better or worse) so encourage her to go especially since she’s been involved with the planning. Get a dress and be ready. She could change her mind and go right up to the last minute.

16

A lot of group plans to prom don’t happen until the last minute sometimes–so like I said, be ready anyway.

17

I too think that there are lots of guys who are willing to go but not willing to go crazy for a prom proposal for someone they aren’t seriously interested in. Finances may be a concern for all so going “dutch” is a good idea.

18

I would not have asked a guy either - I don’t see anything wrong with a girl asking a guy - I was just shy, and to this day I don’t know if I would, even though in most other areas of life, I am not into gender roles at all.

None of my high school friends (except for one) had dates - none of us dated in high school. We all went together as a group! In fact, we didn’t even rent a limo (I would have liked one, but no one else from the group was really that into prom) - one of the friends drove us - she had a minivan, so we all fit! It was a BLAST! Such a fun night! We danced! We went out for Italian food afterwards (the first time I tried the Limonata soft drink - random memory). I think after that we went to someone’s house just to stay up and talk. Again, a really really fun night :slight_smile:

19

You hit the nail on the head. There was a thread(maybe I started, cant remember) like this about Homecoming. I think it is awful that these girls are conditioned to want the big “ask”. What will they want for their proposal? Its all too much, the elaborate ask, the over the top wedding, the big “dance” at the wedding. Again, I blame, youtube and other social media.

Having said all of that, I too am dealing with a child who has not been asked yet, but she is a junior so its not the end of the world. My other daughter was not asked her senior year, and did not go, and I was crushed, because she wanted to go with a date. The ask was no big deal to her, but she didnt go, and I felt really bad for her.

20

Re: the Prom Proposal. Is there anything that could be more awkward for a guy to have to think up and do with/to a girl he is probably not even dating??!!!