Thanks for your replies. Prom at our school is generally a couples event, although I’m sure they would sell tickets to a group of girls. It has really turned into such a to-do, both as to cost and expectations. My guess is any boy on the fence about it, would rather just not go. As the last day of ticket sales approaches, my daughter may work up the courage to do something about it, but for now, it’s just a source of stress. We did have a nice conversation about it last night, which is how I know, no date, no prospects and not wanting to ask.
And of course the girls with the dates, who did get the prom proposals are constantly posting pictures and talking about dresses. Good for them, but, “ugh” for those who are still waiting.
And of course, she has great grades, got into her #1 school so in many ways life is good. But this prom is like a wall in front of her that is blocking the view of all she has accomplished.
Folks, I think the OP is just anticipating her D’s disappointment and asking for some advice as to how to help her through it or to head it off. Really, it’s not all that different in some ways than helping a kid go through a college rejection. So many girls put unrealistic expectations around their senior prom. We wish they wouldn’t, because we don’t want them to be disappointed, but they do. They are 16, 17, 18 years olds. They aren’t necessarily rational about this stuff.
OP, you’re in a tough spot. If you suggest something (asking a boy, going in a group, etc.) it’s probably going to be such a touchy subject that she won’t want to hear it from you. But I’d probably do it anyway, and then down-play the whole event if possible. I told my D how dumb my senior prom was, and that way too much emphasis is put on it and it’s almost always a let-down. Sort of like New Year’s Eve.
Anyway, I do understand how you are feeling. I hope she goes and has a great time, with a date or without.
I hope your D decides to go, whether she screws up her courage to ask a “date” or goes with a group. My D was dumped by a BF a couple weeks before prom – after everyone had already made plans. She wound up going with another girl who didn’t have a date, and they had a good time. I was proud of D for not letting someone else (especially an arrogant 18-year-old boy) decide whether or not she could go!
I’m so sorry for her, @tired already. At our school, as many go in groups as go with dates, and honestly I think the groups have more fun. If she weren’t so shy, perhaps she could talk it up and get a group to go, because the reality is that there are many kids, both boys and girls, in the same boat she is in. They would love to go but need a date.
If she can get up the nerve, asking a younger or older friend might be a good idea - someone who cannot go unless asked by a senior. My son was asked by a senior friend when he was a junior, and my other son was asked by a senior friend when he was a college freshman. They were both honored (and, just between you and me, the moms of both girls called me in advance and asked if my boys would say yes if the girls asked, and I had to ask my boys to be sure. Generally I stay out of such things, but in this case it worked out well. So, maybe that’s an option?)
That prom ask thing really cuts down on dating I’m sure. It makes it too hard for the guy who can barely mumble the words “Wanna go with me to prom?”.(which is hard enough). Your D is not the only shy one. And like abasket said, a guy who isn’t already dating a girl won’t even want to try and ask.
Personally, I fault the school if they are not encouraging single non-date tickets/attendance. To suggest/assume that all 16/17 year olds SHOULD be on a date and WANT to be on a date is not doing the dating scene (or non-dating scene) at the school any favors.
I agree with others- many, many kids at our HS go in groups (I feel like most kids), with or without a “date”. My son said it was a lot more fun to go with a bunch of people on a casual basis than to go with one person.
My S never went to a prom in HS, and most of friends didn’t go either. One of them went as an underclassman when asked by an older girl, but he didn’t ask anyone when he was a junior or senior. And he was pres of the student council, so I’m sure someone would have been willing to go with him! I don’t know if S was ever asked. I know that some girls appeared to be interested in him, and he had female friends, but he didn’t want to date at his HS. Or at least no one that wanted to date him! This was true of quite a few perfectly presentable guys, who proceeded to have much more active social lives in college and grad school. I don’t know why, except that at a relatively small school where everyone has known each other since grade school perhaps they feel that if things don’t work out the drama will be awkward and inescapable. In any case, I’m sure there are a lot of nice guys who would be happy to go as friends with the OP’s D.
Five years ago I was trying to figure a way to convince my son that he should ask someone to his prom. He had gone to a couple of Homecoming dances and decided it was too much drama for him. He had a good group of friends that hung out together but he didn’t date much. He had just about decided to ask the daughter of a friend of mine when 2 of his senior classmates asked him. He went with the girl that asked him first, someone that he had been friends with since kindergarten. They knew that they would get along with each other and with each other’s friends and there was absolutely no romantic intentions on either part. I don’t know if it was one of those once in a lifetime events for him but he seemed to have a good time and this old Mom still enjoys looking at the pre-event pictures. I would say the odds were fifty-fifty that he would not have gone if the girl hadn’t asked him.
I think the only formal event that he went to in college was a sorority event that a friend asked him to attend. If he continues this pattern I hope he finds a girl to propose or I will never get to be the MOG!
My D asked a foreign exchange student to prom her senior year (as a friend). It was a great way to introduce the foreign exchange student to an American custom/tradition. My S had a gf with very strict parents his senior year, and she wasn’t allowed to stay out late. He invited one of his best friends (another guy) who was a sophomore to be his date, and they had fun hanging out together.
Good point abasket. D’s school prom had a lot of parental input. Everyone was encouraged to attend, the cost was kept low enough for everyone to attend. Same for my son’s prom. Great time.
I wish that when I was in HS that my prom could have been relaxed enough for kids to go in groups. It would have been a lot more fun.
Acollegestudent, I attended high school in the 70’s, when virtually everyone at the dances was paired up.
I not only wouldn’t have asked anyone in high school, but when my friends told me that someone wanted to ask me out, I then deliberately hid/ avoided them, even if I liked them and would have probably had a great time as we were already friendly at school.
But I had so much anxiety, that it freaked me out.
That also happened with a man that I met after high school and went out with a few times, but then I avoided him, even though neither I nor my friends understood why. I guess I was the female version of that guy that never calls again. It was because I was so scared, dreaded that they would find out I actually was not worth their time & energy, so it was easier just to pull away.
However, I did approach my H first. It was a situation where I didn’t have anything to lose, because if he hadn’t been receptive, I never would have seen him again. We also went slow enough at the beginning, that I didn’t feel pressure to run.
But nowadays, it’s very common for groups of kids to go to dances together, or to go with a same sex or opposite sex friend, not as a date.
Many kids consciously don’t pair up in high school, because they want to concentrate on their studies, but they still want to do all the fun stuff.
I’m not sure if I’ve been living under a rock or if the Big Ask is not a “thing” where we’re from, but I’ve never heard of this before. I was just commenting the other day to my husband and my daughter that it’s so nice that kids today don’t have to have a date for the prom and there’s no stigma in going with friends, just a lot less drama. Makes me feel bad…
My kids both went with good friends, but when they were in HS it was common for both guys and girls to act as “matchmakers” for the event. It took some of the pressure off those who didn’t want to ask directly.
See if she’ll ask a guy friend from outside school. Less pressure than guy from school. My girls asked friends from church or retreat team, one year one went with group of “single” girls. Low key and fun. They always did the asking. The problem is that it is a really big social deAl at some schools - just wasn’t at ours. We didn’t do the group dinners and limos. D now helps with HS bible group and girls are obsessed (eye roll from D) with a "prom-posal ". It’s a thing at their school. Ridiculous amount of pressure on guys for a casual date
Prom is not all it is cracked up to be. If she has a bunch of friends going, she should get a ticket, and if someone asks her, great, if not, maybe she can steal somebody’s date!
My D broke up with her BF shortly before prom. She posted an open invite on her facebook page shortly before the deadline for ticket sales. A friend of a friend agreed to take her. They had never dated before prom, but it is now seven years later and they are still together.
My son calls himself the “gaydate” (like “J date”). He has gone to many proms, formals, deb balls, etc. He’s handsome, owns a tux and fun to spend an evening with. His big problem in HS was deciding which of his girlfriends to ask. One dance he had 3 “dates” and he even bought them all a corsage. My D also went to senior prom with a gay friend. Just another possibility for the girls who don’t have dates.
I hope she goes, OP. Isn’t there some male friend she can go with? Or can she put together a little group of friends?
Prom isn’t the be all and end all, but it is fun and I hope she can make it happen.
One son went with a friend who asked him at the last minute. They went in a big group and had a ball. The next year he went with a date, but again in a big group in which not everyone had a date and the whole group had a blast. Back in the seventies when you had to have a date, it wasn’t as much fun.
And if she won’t go unless asked? I’d offer to schedule an alternative evening for her, like a special meal and movie.
This was true of quite a few perfectly presentable guys, who proceeded to have much more active social lives in college and grad school. I don’t know why, except that at a relatively small school where everyone has known each other since grade school perhaps they feel that if things don’t work out the drama will be awkward and inescapable. In any case, I’m sure there are a lot of nice guys who would be happy to go as friends with the OP’s D.