<p>How many people in your lives truly are pleased by the achievements of your children or even of your achievements? It is my experience that only parents and grandparents are truly unselfishly proud. This is one reason why their loss can be so painful. Everyone else, including siblings and friends,“may” experience envy, and may or may not take pleasure in your family’s accomplishments.</p>
<p>Over the years, we have shared our accomplishments and those of our children with a small group of family and friends who we felt would be genuinely happy for us. We never discuss the accomplishments of our children with friends who are experiencing problems with their children. If anything, we play it down, emphasizing the other wonderful qualities of their children who might be struggling in school. </p>
<p>Well, I think that it would be very insensitive for anyone to make a big deal out of their own children’s achievements in front of someone who is experiencing problems… but that is not the same as saying that others do not care or like hearing about the kids accomplishments. It depends on the relationship they have with you and your kids. I assume that my kids former teachers, in particular, would like to know how they are doing, as well as their friends from years back and the parents of their friends. I certainly am happy to read or hear about the accomplishments of my kids’ friends.</p>
<p>Scidoc, I agree with you! Last year, someone asked me if my S was accepted at the school he applied, and I, very proud, replied that not only that but he also he received merit scholarships and even a small one from an Ivy… she didn’t talk to me again. In my enthusiasm I didn’t realize (and I didn’t know before) that her boy was barely accepted to a top 15 schools (having legacy) after a huge contribution to that school from his parents. Since then, when somebody asks me about my kids, I response: “they are doing ok.”
Besides this, I’m always happy when I heard about others kids genuine accomplishments</p>
<p>Why do people do that - behave as if you’ve offended them when your child does well? It’s so ridiculous it’s funny. If Kid A gets a particular part, award, scholarship, seat in the orchestra, captaincy of a sports team, whatever - and Kid B doesn’t - why does Parent B get nasty with Parent A? Do they think Parent A is in any way responsible for the decision? Should Kid A not have competed for the honor to clear the way for Kid B? </p>
<p>I see this happen all the time in the ballet world, and it’s just ludicrous. Quite apart from the issue of teaching one’s child the importance of being a gracious loser, these folks don’t even seem to grasp the concept of cause and effect. It’s surprising how many supposedly successful people will show their inner three-year-old in such situations.</p>
<p>We have a group of close friends whose children I have known since birth, and they have known my children that long. I am very aware of these kids’ strengths and weaknesses, interests, etc.; I’ve travelled with them, refereed sibling fights, talked about Rory Gilmore with them. Within this group, our friends are pretty interested in what’s going on with our children (we were the first to have kids in this group, so we have done everything first), and we are interested in them. So there isn’t a lot of reticence on anything – successes and failures. (We did, however, avoid discussing SAT scores with one set of friends who are very competitive about things like that.) </p>
<p>Three of the kids are in college now. Two were accepted ED at their first-choice schools, so there wasn’t a whole lot of drama, except for the intervention we staged with the father of one. He was trying to block his daughter from applying to School A in favor of practically indistinguishable School B, which somehow the father had decided was vastly superior. If I told you which schools, you would laugh, too. Really, Tweedledum and Tweedledee.</p>
<p>Until this year, there had never been any direct competition between kids in this group, so it has been easy to enjoy the other children’s triumphs. But our second child and one girl in the group are both seniors now, and are applying to some of the same colleges. They look quite different on paper, although they are close, close friends and soul mates since first grade. There is definitely a little tension around the implicit competition between them – both between them and among the parents. My wife will be very upset if the girl is accepted at our son’s first-choice school and our son not, although everyone recognizes that this is a possibility (and vice versa). I won’t be upset.</p>
<p>Apart from that, I love hearing good things about my children’s friends; I want their parents to brag to me. I still feel pretty engaged in the lives of some of these kids, especially the ones I have known for a long time. My daughter has had one friend since preschool (with a few years off in middle school); I occasionally check her cross-country times during the season.</p>
<p>JHS, I have a similar situation – a group of close college friends, and all our kids have grown quite close too. We live in different states, and while we talk about our kids’ activities we tend not to brag. Anyway, the daughter of one family was not accepted to our alma mater last year while the son of another family was, and this year two of our kids are applying ED. The two girls are not in direct competition either (very different), but I foresee possible tension depending on how the admission decisions go. In our case, if the other girl gets in and my daughter doesn’t I’ll be OK with it and so will my husband, but if vice versa, I’m not sure how the other family will react. </p>
<p>As for the original post: Yes, I try to be very sensitive when discussing my daughter with other people.</p>
<p>This is really all about tact and consideration. Bragging for us is out except to family. Our son, in particular, has been fairly accomplished in academics and sports, and we couldn’t be prouder ( or more surprised considering my inadequacy in both as a kid) but we keep it very modest. People are very sensitive about this sort of thing. I do have a couple of friends that I’ll share a particular success with, but on the whole prefer to keep mum.</p>
<p>I am also cautious, except with family, since I don’t like braggarts much myself, and don’t really want to turn into one. I don’t even like the famous “holiday letter”, for exactly this reason. Even if I just write the events of the year, it sounds like bragging.</p>
<p>I started a thread last year at this time about “holiday letters”, Allmusic. There were some hilarious posts. Don’t get me started on those impersonal missives, detailing every minute of a family’s year! They should be banned! If I want to know all of that, I’ll ask it, and I sure wouldn’t!</p>
<p>My wife runs around our small town wearing clothing with the name of the college our oldest D attends (an out of state school). I kid around with her that she owns more collegiate clothing than my D does. I am sure that it rubs some folks in town the wrong way. I won’t wear any of my D’s collegiate duds and my excuse is because I attended a school in the same athletic conference and couldn’t possibly wear a rival’s logos…but in reality I just don’t want to seem like a braggart</p>
<p>Oh, I know those DKE. We have friends who write a double sided Xmas missive. They are dear friends, but don’t realize that I call up a mutual friend the day said card and letter arrives, so that we can giggle together about those “uberchildren”.</p>
<p>We couldn’t believe how the new puppy turned into “uberdog” too.</p>
<p>I have received some holidayletters that are over the top with bragging, but I was wondering if others feel it is ok to write short notes along with cards to old friends (some who have kids and some who don’t) updating them on our family? Most of it WOULD be about our kids, since our lives don’t change as much as theirs do. I didn’t send out any cards last year because our family was going through a difficult time, but this year my son has graduated from college and started at a job, and my daughter has transferred from the school she started at to another school (which happens to be a very selective one) where she is extremely happy. I want to share this news with my friends, but I don’t want to sound “braggy”.</p>
<p>MotherOfTwo–Not everyone hates those letters. I’m one of those that like the letters, even the braggy ones. I like knowing what people and their kids have been up to, even if it is only once a year, at Christmas, and only “the good stuff.”</p>
<p>Seriously, I have written a letter, only to out of towners, always written with the attitude of filling in old aunties on the adventures of the family and trying never to send it to people who might read into it anything braggy, though I get one from some one which is annoyingly perfect. One year my SIL wrote a parody of that one, had the same vernacular throughout sustituting “failures” for successes, it was sent only to a few select recipients of the amazing letter- most of us got the joke :D</p>
<p>Thanks mstee!
I would tell all of the people I send these notes to about our family’s difficult issues as well, because they are my friends, but I don’t think it is pleasant to do this on a holiday card. If I happen to see, talk to, or email these old friends, I fill them in on EVERYTHING, good and bad.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s an interesting comment, MotherofTwo, about telling the unfortunate family events as well. My mother died this past summer, and I do want to mention it as it was a pivotal event in our family life for '06, but I don’t want to be a downer, either. Not to mention it would be odd. I’ll have to think carefully about how to fit that in…hmm.</p>
<p>We get holiday letters from several friends who actually have a flair for them, thankfully, so we actually enjoy them. One friend, though, is brutally honest, down to her weight gain and hot flashes due to menopause. That one gave us a good laugh.</p>
<p>What is much, much harder to do is to truly rejoice in the accomplishments and achievements of deserving people, to genuinely share the joy of others, even if they’re NOT family, and to attempt to see the best in others and understand where they’re coming from…in short, to take the path of least offense. That is what I try to do. </p>
<p>In our personal situation, if we were to save all of our “sharing” of positive things for extended family, we would not be sharing much. I have deep respect and immeasurable gratitude for my friends, both IRL and online, who have gone beyond “tolerating” hearing about my children, both the positive and negative things, to actually expressing overt interest in their well-being and their accomplishments, big and small. And I return this with sincere joy and enthusiasm, for them, their children, and others who occupy my daily life. I will not typically initiate an conversation about my children to casual acquaintances, but if asked something, I will answer the question.</p>
<p>Because I don’t subscribe to the notion that sharing = bragging and because I often question my friends in HOPE of hearing a little “bragging” from them , my interpretation is different from that of many. I only know two people whose sharing consistently crosses the line into “bragging,” by virtue of its gratuitous nature (it is often completely out of context to the conversation) and excessiveness. And even at that, I try to keep in mind the circumstances of the people involved and just listen and nod politely. If that small an effort can make someone else happy, then honestly, it’s no big deal to me.</p>
<p>So, if any of you have anything TREMENDOUSLY FABULOUSLY FANTASTIC (or even something just orindarily good ) happen to you or to your children, feel free to pm me…I’d LOVE to hear about it! :)</p>
, my interpretation is different from that of many. I only know two people whose sharing consistently crosses the line into “bragging,” by virtue of its gratuitous nature (it is often completely out of context to the conversation) and excessiveness. And even at that, I try to keep in mind the circumstances of the people involved and just listen and nod politely. If that small an effort can make someone else happy, then honestly, it’s no big deal to me.</p>
) happen to you or to your children, feel free to pm me…I’d LOVE to hear about it! :)</p>