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<p>Yes, it is good not to make excuses for one’s child.</p>
<p>Here, though, the parent has gone to the other extreme–by creating conditions in which fingerpointing will occur, by even joining in the fingerpointing herself.</p>
<p>Both extremes are best avoided, imo.</p>
<p>For many years, I worked with special ed kids at a local middle school. This is an upper middle class neighborhood, where, as Garrison Keeler says “all the kids are above average.” The amount of “emotional” bullying (I am not referring to physical agression) was unbelievable. My students were the brunt of the jokes and bullying and it was heart breaking. Time and again, the bullies were disciplined, parents called into meetings, apologies made. It doesn’t stop the “group think” bullying that goes on by middle school kids. This age is particularly vulnerable to the pressure to be cool and put down those who are not. I believe that the amount of emotional bullying is a significant problem (Columbine, Santee, and maybe VT) and the kinder, gentler approach to teaching respect and inclusion, hasn’t/doesn’t seem to work. I will bet that at this girls school, the amount of bullying will go down. When one of the cool kids feels put down and embarrassed, the other cool kids may think twice about picking on the “weaker.” </p>
<p>Again, I don’t think I would resort to the punishment this mom chose, but I think there is a big difference between corporal punishment and having her daughter experience what it feels like to be the brunt of the jokes.</p>
<p>
This isn’t an “eye for an eye” society. Humiliating the daughter because she may have humiliated someone else is just as wrong as punching the daughter if she punched someone else. Further, if each action (humiliation, punching) is wrong in the first place, could an alternate use of the action really be right? I also feel very uncomfortable by the notion that physical harm is somehow worse than emotional harm. Is there really a “big difference” between a mother punishing her daughter by inflicting physical pain and a mother punishing her daughter by inflicting emotional pain?</p>
<p>I don’t see humilitating the daughter as the same thing as the daughter doing bullying</p>
<p>we act as if bullies are these people to be talked to over and over, to be protected from shame</p>
<p>If you have a repeat offender who taunts, teases, and does it even after being punished, what does a parent do, if all else has failed</p>
<p>Many kids can fake an apology, put on a show, cry, write those letters, look contrite and it is meaningless, and talking to other kids at this point would also be futile, they need to be past the bullying and be a nice person who other kids will actually believe, rather than a recent bully who they don’t trust and would be rather angry at if they had to listen to a hypocrite talk about how wrong bullying is, she is still a bully by reputation, and only by actions of contrition and better behavior will she then be able to share her story with any kids carrying and believing</p>
<p>Writing letters at that age as a punishment is an exercise that really means little to the bully, it is more of a waste of time to them, an annoyance to the true bully</p>
<p>THey may behave for a week or so, but after that, the bullying starts again </p>
<p>So to those that say, oh write that letter, it doesn’t work</p>
<p>I do think doing some real physical labor is a good thing, some real work, totally out of their comfort zone, digging holes, picking up trash, cleaning those drains in the street of leaves and stuff</p>
<p>As well, the suspension should be an In School one, sitting in the library with nothing but their school books, eating lunch alone</p>
<p>Sitting at home can be a real pain for parents and the child often has some fun</p>
<p>In school suspensions are safer, more annoying for the student, and it is in other kids face</p>
<p>I don’t necesarily agree with the sign holding, but I can understand the mother’s frustration</p>
<p>Sorry, I have to firmly disagree with the majority here. As a teen, I suffered mercilessly bullying at school, both physically (being punched, pushed into lockers, having my hair yanked so hard it sometimes came out at the roots), and emotionally, for the space of two solid years. I eventually attempted to commit suicide when I felt that I could no longer handle the pain. It was only then that my parents realized that my very life was at stake and we moved to another school district. For more than a year afterward, I suffered a sort of post-traumatic stress that had me withdrawn and constantly tensed for the bullying to start anew. This bullying was the first of a lifetime of recurrent episodes of clinical depression.</p>
<p>I can’t seem to work myself up into feeling any sympathy for this girl. Sorry. One day of public humiliation for her might spare one of her victims a lifetime of painful memories. I support her mother’s actions fully. Who knows, maybe the mother was a victim of merciless bullying in her own childhood. I can see how she would want to ensure that her own child never inflicted such pain on another again.</p>
<p>I have trouble believing that this girl just became a bully out of the blue. I’m sorry to be so suspicious, but kids behave the way they see their parents behave. I am 100% certain that my kids have never bullied anyone. Some may find that naive, but I’m very serious here. Both of our kids have been taught to empathize with others from the time they were babies. In fact, I had to kind of teach each of them to be just a little selfish as they grew up. The older kid would give all the other kids his lunch, money or candy, and to this day, he never eats the last piece of a treat – he always offers it to whoever else is nearby. Younger S is the champion of all lost causes and/or underdogs.</p>
<p>So there must be something else going on. Either she’s never really been taught to feel compassion for others, or has witnessed too much bullying herself. I don’t think that humiliating her will teach her to be kinder to others – it’s just likely to make her angry and resentful.</p>
<p>maybe i’m just having a brain fart but what does “I got suspended from school and this street corner” mean? how do you get suspended from a street corner?</p>
<p>Poetsheart,
i’m so sorry you wre treated so poorly. Bullying can lead some into PTSD, eating disorders, etc. I’m glad your parents let you switch schools.</p>
<p>When my S attended a small private elementary school, I thought the principal was way out of line in humiliating my S Making him sit in lobby, not attend class for whole day), and so I didn’t enroll him the next year. I complained to a Trustee, who thought I was out of line, until the man did the same thing to her S the following week. Truly, he had no control of his temper! Fortunately, this principal was not rehired, but I have no idea how many kids and teachers suffered under his rule.</p>
<p>I’ve got no sympathy for the bully. My d uses a cane and is legally blind. She has been harrassed and picked on by one boy in middle school for the past two years - he’s had repeated suspensions for it (among other things, he’s looked up her dress, tripped her, teased her with “how many fingers am I holding up”). The last time she had a problem (he kicked her cane out of her hand inthe hall), I told the school that he must be escorted everywhere in school or I was going to sue them for not protecting her. So far so good.</p>
<p>And to this day, I still haven’t heard one word from his parents. I guess they think their little angel can do no wrong.</p>
<p>jags861 – I had the same question about getting “suspended . . . from this street corner.” </p>
<p>The girl said she thought it was the right punishment. I wonder what the other bullies think? It was a group bullying, according to the article. I wonder if she’s still hanging with her bullying friends. I wonder how that aspect of this has been dealt with. </p>
<p>I disagree that all behaviour stems from the parents, though, of course I don’t know what may have caused the bullying behaviour with this girl. I know some wonderful parents with troubled kids. I know some horrible parents with seemingly okay kids. Yes, sometimes there is a clear connection, but one simply should not assume that whatever a kid does he learned from his parents.</p>
<p>Bullying and humiliating sound a lot alike to me. One particular bully affected quite a few kids including my son throughout elementary, middle and high school. He had a lot of social power, but I once witnessed his alcoholic father bullying him and he was quite cowed. For years I both felt sorry for and disliked this kid. After high school his power was gone and within six months he attempted suicide. Bullies are damaged, damaging people.</p>
<p>On Friday, I decided to stop posting on this thread, being the “odd man out” with my opinion. However, I was gratified today to stop in and see the post by Citygirlsmom, poetsheart, zimmer. I truly believe that when a middle school aged student participates in group bullying, he/she is way past the age when writing letters of apology and a stern talking to, will change behavior. I hope this girl can now appreciate how she makes others feel when she mistreats them. I agree, we don’t live in an “eye for an eye” society but sometimes it takes a personal experience to gain compassion for another. Hopefully, this girl will be a little more compassionate next time she sees others being made fun of or verbally harassed. She might even intervene. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful outcome. Call me Pollyanna. No way would writing a letter or saying “sorry” create compassion.</p>
<p>When I was Jr High Age, my sister made me a patchwork “maxi skirt” (remember those?) which I wore very proudly to school. A “friend” of mine made some cruel, loud comments in front of a group of giggling classmates, and I became sport for them all. Later, feeling remorseful, she came to me privately and apologized. I accepted her apology but went away feeling unforgiving and resentful. Later, I realized that her humiliation of me had been very public, but her apology was private. I wanted her to tell all those girls that she was wrong - not just me!</p>
<p>A common punishment - along with jail time and such - for drunk driving is community service where the person is required to explain the error of his/her ways to the public. The punishment has nothing to do with what caused the person to drink in the first place, only with rebuking and attempting to balance out the result.</p>
<p>I hope this girl can get some counseling - or her whole family can. I don’t have any idea what caused her to be like this. But I am glad at the attention the incident is getting, because that might mean the problem doesn’t get slapped and ignored.</p>
<p>One public way to accomplish this that I believe I shared in an earlier post would be for this girl to speak at an assembly or as part of a panel discussion on bullying. </p>
<p>I’d prefer that rather than standing her on a corner with a sign.</p>
<p>While I agree, soozievt, that a public assembly or panel would be a great idea for this girl, that requires cooperation, coordination and setup by the school. It’s not something Mom can do on her own. And it is time-intensive: the event would most likely be far removed from the incident. </p>
<p>Sometimes parents have to do what they can with what they have to work with.</p>
<p>I understand. I just think that the standing up with a sign incident might in turn cause this girl to be bullied and teased. So, I am thinking there might be a better way to get the message across about bullying.</p>
<p>If this girl is a bully and suddenly she is talking in front of the whole school without having had a real change in public behavior does nothing</p>
<p>Imagine being a kid who was bullied by someone for a long time and then that bully goes up, she/he will not be taken seriouslly because the behavior never changed</p>
<p>In fact, it would make the bully the center of attention if it is not done right</p>
<p>A better approach is to have former bullies and those that were bullied who are in highschool come and speak to the students, because they would have a much better impact</p>
<p>My D was bullied by this girl in middleschool- the mean girl kind of bullying</p>
<p>At an event about bullies at her school, my D made a presentation about the impact of bullying (not talking about herself) and that night the former bully messaged her that she was so sorry for all the antics she pulled in middle school, 4 years earlier</p>
<p>At that same meeting, former bullies also spoke and talked about why they felt the need to do it</p>
<p>Having the current bully go up without a track record of not being a bully won’t really accomplish much, unless she has to go up and just make a public apology, and publically have to do stuff at school- ie, clean up the yard after school, or before, sort recycllong, clean cafeteria tables</p>
<p>Knowing kids, just going up and saying bullying is bad froma current bully will not be taken seriouslly and the kids won’t believe it, it will look forced and fake, which it most likely would be</p>
<p>Better, as I said to bring in HSers who have been there and really moved on</p>
<p>I would like to see the whole group addressed. A lot of middle school bullying is unthinking pack behaviour. It is not always one on one, and in this case, it evidently was pack behaviour.</p>
<p>The majority of middle schoolers can tell you who the “nerd” are and who is bullied. Most, thankfully, don’t feel the need to put the “nerds” down in order to elevate their own self esteem. It’s the kids who have a need to be cruel that band together and behave in bully fashion. At our middle school (small district - only 2 middle school, one high school), there is a 0 tolerance for ANY bully behavior, verbal or otherwise. Kids are told that everyone is entitled to go to school and feel safe and welcomed. Any student who feels that they are being targeted can anonymously report. There are very few incidents and when they occur, they are dealt with immediately and sternly by the administration. No “letters of apology”. Kids are suspended and lose all priveledges for activities, such as assemblies, extra trips (annual trip to Disneyland or Knotts Berry Farm). All their classmates know that they blew it big time. The schools have done a great job and my son, who was teased mercilessly in elementary school, went thru middle school with one incident only and is finishing his freshman year at high school without a problem.</p>
<p>bluecroo, kudos to your school for having a strict policy that is enforced. That is very important.</p>