<p>You really seem to be treading on potential in law problems down the line by getting so involved in the reception. If your task is primarily the rehearsal dinner and brunch, why not stick to that. It kind of seems that you are worried about being embarrassed about the reception in front of your relatives? Maybe not so keen on the bride and her family? I could be totally off base on any of that but the whole thing seems pretty interesting. Not sure what is the problem with the bride’s family setting a limit with what they will finance.</p>
<p>momof3sons - I’m from Olympia which is about 60 miles south of Seattle. I’ve never been to a Jewish wedding but all the weddings I’ve been to in the Northwest are set up the way others have stated (no dancing between courses). </p>
<p>In addition, it is normal to be given a map and directions from the location of the wedding to the location of the reception. Even at weddings I’ve attended in Seattle, we drove our car from place to place even though traffic and parking are more difficult to deal with. I haven’t looked at the price of renting a bus in a very long time but the last time I checked (probably around 2008) it was about $500/bus and that was in a less expensive area than Seattle. I assume it is more expensive now.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s because I’m so used to how laid back things are in the Northwest but I’ve been on destination weddings and never expected anyone to feed us (other than for the wedding dinner) or arrange our transportation. We have done group events at the destinations (like golf, spa, rock climbing, rafting, etc.) but we all paid for those things separately. That being said, if that is the norm for your friends and family, I think you’ll probably need to do it. Just try not to be too upset with the bride’s family because that isn’t the norm here. </p>
<p>Also, I’ve told my daughters that they have to pay for their weddings on their own and not to plan on a big, extravagant event unless they can afford it. After paying for their college costs, we have nothing left for weddings. My husband and I paid for our own wedding (couldn’t afford anything more than a reception in the church basement) and we just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. I’m sure we’ll help with some of our daughters’ wedding costs but weddings don’t have to be super expensive to be nice and for people to enjoy them–especially in the Northwest. Reading your post, though, I’ll have to reconsider if the groom’s family has a very different idea of what is acceptable when it comes to the details of the wedding. I wouldn’t want them having to shell out more than we are but, in reality, we won’t have anything extra to shell out. Maybe the bride’s parents are in the same boat.</p>
<p>Good luck with the wedding. It’s difficult enough to plan a wedding (even one with a simple reception) in the same town as the wedding–I can’t imagine doing it from afar.</p>
<p>sevmom,
Not to get too involved with giving out all the details, but our son came to us on behalf of himself and his bride-to-be and ASKED us if we could contribute to the actual wedding reception. It was clear that the young people realized that the initial budget that they were given wasn’t going to work. So, DH and I discussed it and decided that perhaps a way to handle the situation with tact and sensitivity was to offer to put in twice as much since it appeared as if we might have twice as many guests. Bottom line is that we are paying for 2/3 of the reception, so it seems fair to us that the groom be able to make some reasonable requests. Not many, but some. ;)</p>
<p>We like the bride very much. We have met her many times and she has been a guest in our home many times. We have given her career advice since she is entering the same profession as my DH and I. We have never met her parents, but I am sure that they are very nice people, too. This is just an awkward time of “East meets West” as we learn each other’s traditions.</p>
<p>Mom: I would be honored to be called Ellebud. You have NO idea how similar our situations are…except that we will have 35 on our guest list and mil to be had 150…plus the kids have one or two friends…(40). We are signing the contract this week. My son “wanted” 80 people…the fiancee is sweet…and they love each other. </p>
<p>The wedding will be at a restaurant very close by. We rent the restaurant for the evening. And part of the challenge…many of the guests are vegetarian, kosher and semi kosher. Then you have us…Godless heathens. Italian food is great because lots of fish and vegetarian. Now moving on…</p>
<p>As an aside…Bevhills, I always enjoy your posts and your attitude. I’d also enjoy your son’s wedding! I’ve wondered about your screen name change and would be interested to hear the story if you care to share (maybe I missed it).</p>
<p>Momof3sons, it’s true that we’re casual here in Seattle. On the other hand, we’re not exactly rubes. Well, I may be, but most are not. Don’t spend any time worrying whether folks will know how to dress appropriately for a synagogue wedding. I think they’ll show up looking quite respectable. They will be able to discern from the location that proper attire is called for. </p>
<p>I’ve never heard of bus transportation from one venue to another around here. Seattle’s not that big. If there are a few folks who prefer not to drive I suppose they could arrange a taxi, but I wouldn’t think anyone would need to do so. I wouldn’t waste dollars or worries on the transportation issue.</p>
<p>I’d be curious to know where the ceremony will take place in order to be more helpful with suggestions. Temple Beth Am, maybe?</p>
<p>We will be in the pretty much same situation in a few years. BF’s family is mainly from the East Coast. We have been in OR for over 30 years. They will have many more guests than we will and they will not understand the differences in the “coasts” wedding expectations. i.e. D recently told me she does not care to have flowers at all–bowls of lemons and limes are fine. and so on.
We will try to give a significant amount of $ for them but we will also be retired and have many fewer guest. Hopefully, her fianc</p>
<p>mom–wondering if you could make a trip to meet the S’s future in law’s. Might take time and money but be worth getting to know them. Open discussions and so on. Frightful to think that you might meet them the weekend of…
Also, the PNW is a great place to visit…
This is also the family that your S will be involved with in the future (and grandkids too)…</p>
<p>People here typically drive from wedding to reception if they are in different places. Haven’t heard of buses, although if there are a lot of people from out of town it could work out well. Depending on the synagogue location, getting to the reception could be easy or difficult. Football games, summer parades and festivals and hydroplane races can turn a simple summer weekend into the traffic jam from hades. (I don’t travel south into Seattle after 1pm on weekends for good reason.)</p>
<p>My niece is getting married in summer 2014 and booked her reception location months ago. Apparently once you get over 100 guests the harder it is to find a decent place worth the price.</p>
<p>As others have said, the receptions tend to be hors d’oeuvres and wine/beer/cocktails, then b&g arrive, followed by sit down meal or buffet, followed by dancing with DJ or band. </p>
<p>Sure we’re casual, but we clean up well. The event can be as fancy as you like and most of the attendees will dress appropriately. The hard part will be reaching consensus with another family who have very different ideas. While I’m not one to go into debt for a wedding, I am realistic about the cost of a party and would plan accordingly. If my daughters marry and their partners have a different view of the wedding and offer to pay for that vision, I’d gladly hand over the reigns.</p>
<p>Zip: THANK YOU! I find it wonderful that a group of diverse intelligent people who wouldn’t know each otherwise do know each other.</p>
<p>I lost Ellebud because a few of my daughter’s friends came over and signed in with their names. I did my best to change it back…but I’m not that computer literate. The plague of women (and men) who don’t work outside the house is that some of us don’t have the computer literacy that we should have. But, as far as screen names go: BevHills although not offensive, isn’t the moniker that I would select.</p>
<p>I agree with previous poster than you need to get reception location figured out very soon. Appropriate places get booked up quickly for summer here. July and August are the nicer weather months, lots and lots of tourists here then. </p>
<p>Another thing, our airport and surrounding hotels and the downtown hotels can be very busy in the summer. There are many cruise ships that depart from Seattle for Alaska and some have several thousand passengers. So, hotel rooms and airline tickets also need to be booked well in advance.</p>
<p>I just read the wedding information for two high school classmates of my D’s for August wedding. Ceremony at 5, followed by dinner and dancing till 11.</p>
<p>bev, I’m glad the reason for your name change was so benign!</p>
<p>mom, having just noticed some comments on another thread about wedding meals, I thought it might be useful to note that a vegetarian option is pretty much expected hereabouts. It’s likely to cost about the same as the other choices. As a vegetarian, I’m biased, but the veg options at catered events are typically quite lovely and complex. I’d consider the inclusion of a vegetarian option a thoughtful and gracious decision (but not a cost-saver).</p>
<p>You could start spreading the word to “your” guests that Seattle weddings aren’t the same as east coast weddings, and to expect things to be different from what they’re used to. They’re adults and guests, which means they should be able to accept what they’re being invited to - a Seattle wedding. </p>
<p>Who knows, maybe they will be relieved to have less formality than they’re used to. </p>
<p>Just as you’re concerned about the comfort of your guests, the in-laws are concerned about the comfort of theirs. They are used to Seattle weddings in Seattle, and may be very uncomfortable with too much formality.</p>
<p>Greetings all!
I don’t know where to start. 
Yes, there is a vegetarian option already planned.
If I had my druthers, I’d come in shorts and sneakers, but as the MOG, I need to “clean up.” 
We are NOT East Coast snobs by anyone’s definition, just learning that things are done totally different on the West Coast, especially in how the actual reception runs. What is somewhat curious to me is that the bride-to-be wants my son in black tie for this wedding…</p>
<p>This is a Sunday afternoon wedding, with the reception going into the early evening. Cannot do a Saturday wedding because of Sabbath rules. Thus, guests will probably be flying out on Monday, post-brunch, unless they absolutely cannot miss work and try to catch a red-eye post-wedding. By contrast, our sons’ Bar Mitzvah celebrations were held on Saturday evenings. The groom’s Bar Mitzvah reception went from 8 p.m.-1 a.m. Not particularly unusual here. Everyone lived. Seriously, I realize that we will have to make tons of compromises to keep the peace. We really are letting the bride and groom plan the wedding, but feel that since they have no experience whatsoever in doing anything like this, we need to give them some things to think about, ask the caterer about, etc., before they sign any contracts. We think that’s prudent.</p>
<p>zipyourlips-yes, that’s the synagogue, and the bride has her heart set on a particular venue in the Capitol Hill area. I have no idea what this means in terms of distance or time. They will both be out in Seattle in about a week or so, and will be trying to settle on the venue and caterer at that time. They know that it’s “high season” in Seattle. </p>
<p>They will also try to look at a few hotels, and my son seems to have found the Silver Cloud chain. We are trying not to choose a hotel with very high-priced rooms, so “downtown” hotels may be out of the running. And yes, it would be great if he could pick a reasonably priced hotel, whatever that means in Seattle in high season, which could accommodate the Monday morning brunch for our guests.</p>
<p>We have been to Seattle with our kids and we think it’s lovely. We will not be traveling out there to meet the parents of the bride beforehand because, frankly, we cannot afford to do so. These wedding expenses have “sprung up” on us, we still have two kids in college, and DH and I are older and nearing retirement.</p>
<p>This is interesting to me as I had no conception of “east coast weddings” though have lived here all my life.</p>
<p>D is at that age where it’s a wedding a week, (only slight exaggeration), and only one this year has fit the level of formality described here.</p>
<p>Most, including hers, would be, I guess, west coast style? even though all members of families are easterners. </p>
<p>It sounds like more like a class difference. Especially as her family has a limit to what they can spend. We did, too, and wedding was adjusted to fit that, rather than other way around.</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re being more than generous, but I have to say, as sevmom did, I’d be wondering what family of bride are thinking when they hear “we decided to pay a lot into this, so we are getting just a little say in how it will be.”</p>
<p>I have been to so many weddings in my life that don’t follow the described east coast style, that it’s hard to believe your family members wouldn’t have ever encountered different sorts of weddings.</p>
<p>I think providing the extended rehearsal dinner and breakfast after is very generous of you.</p>
<p>(cross-posted with your last post.)</p>
<p>This is interesting. I’ve never been to an “east coast” wedding while attending weddings on the east coast. At the actual reception, there may or may not be hors d’oevers. Dinner is before any dancing. Salads are served, then the entree. How many courses do these weddings have that there is dancing in between?</p>
<p>Hi garland,
The bride’s family has a limit on what they want to spend. I have no way of knowing that it is what they “can” spend. We are respectful of that. I honestly don’t think it is a class difference, just a totally different life experience with these life cycle events. We did make sure to determine that the bride and her family would not be upset if the number of wedding attendees were skewed towards our side of the family. We offered to keep it very small and only invite very close family members, but the bride and groom decided that they’d like family and friends there.</p>
<p>We are not inviting business contacts, etc. Our guests are aunts and uncles of the groom, first and second cousins he is very close with, close friends of ours whose kids he has grown up with (contemporaries) as well as some college friends of ours he has known all his life. I didn’t go to my rolodex to make the list, nor the Yellow Pages. </p>
<p>cap-All I can tell you is that our general experience with weddings and other “life cycle” events has consisted of a one hour cocktail hour, followed by a four hour reception. Sit down dinner in virtually every case. Some celebratory dancing before the appetizer is served, more dancing, salad, more dancing, dinner, more dancing, dessert, more dancing.
Interspersed with toasts, speeches by whomever. (Sometimes only appetizer or salad. ;)) But I’m glad that we’re learning how differently things are done up front so that we can adapt as much as possible.</p>
<p>People more accustomed to your style of wedding must love to dance! It sounds like a great party, but as someone who does not like to dance I wonder what I would do while I wait around for the other segments of my meal to be served. Does everybody dance?</p>
<p>At my SIL’s wedding we left maybe an hour or two after the cake, we hung around as long as we felt we “had” to and enjoyed everybody’s company but went back to the hotel by 9. A lot of people were leaving around then, too, it was a fun party but it was quiet. There was a brunch the next day for out of town guests but we skipped it, we were too tired to get up early enough to go and we wanted to go sight seeing in the afternoon. There was a pizza dinner at a bar for the out of town guests the night before the wedding as well, which we nearly missed because we went to the space needle and had to get from there to our hotel in Olympia to change, to the restaurant in DuPont-- at 5pm on a Friday. I think we were two hours late to the party. Thankfully the bride wasn’t mad. We did not know the meaning of “rush hour” until we visited Seattle.</p>
<p>The thing that stood out to me most about my experience visiting Seattle for a wedding as a Detroiter, was the time difference. The first morning we were there we woke up at 5am Seattle time STARVING but too utterly EXHAUSTED to get up and get anything to eat. The exhaustion wore off pretty quickly and we adjusted to WA hours, but for the whole rest of the trip I was hungry at my normal meal times in Seattle time AND Detroit time. I was also very glad we rented a car so we could sight see-- there is nothing like the Pacific Northwest. It was the trip of a lifetime for me. I loved the mountains.</p>
<p>This is a tricky situation. I recall back in college I was a bridesmaid for a wedding of a Southern bride to a groom from Long Island. Church wedding followed by a nice but very simple and low-key reception – at a lovely country club but a light luncheon (tea sandwiches) rather than a dinner. No band – do not recall if there was even a DJ or dancing. Probably no open bar. I recall that the bride said the groom’s family was taken aback as their guests had traveled and were used to more elaborate events. </p>
<p>However, IMO whatever the bride and groom and families decide to do is totally up to them and some of the simplest weddings I have attended have been the sweetest. Many big bashes I have attended have been so similar to each other and felt impersonal.</p>
<p>That said, I do understand the dilemma re guests traveling a distance as well as incurring heavy hotel costs. We are having that with my D’s wedding for which many guests are traveling from West Coast to East Coast (Boston), and numerous guests coming from Europe. (Groom’s dad lives primarily in Paris but is British and aunts, uncles and cousins are coming from there. Groom’s mother was born in Greece and has people coming from there.) But does that mean we must throw a bash in proportion to distance traveled?</p>
<p>I do have some feeling of wanting to make guests feel it is worth the trip. But D and her fiance want a relatively low key event which is simpatico with them. They have an “anti-extravagance” mantra and want something nice, and personal, and reflective of them, but not ostentatious. The meal will be a buffet brunch following a simple cocktail hour. Five hours from start of morning ceremony to end of reception (same location). H and I will do a morning after breakfast/brunch for whomever is staying over, and hope to express our deep appreciation to all who have taken the time and trouble to attend. That is the best we can do, and I think it is fine.</p>
<p>I guess I feel the best thing is to be open about what kind of event it will be, and let invitees decide if they want to make the trip. Let guests know how much you appreciate their efforts. If they care about the groom and bride, the most important thing to them will be their involvement in a special occasion, not the specifics of the meal, etc. (If they want an elaborate meal, they can always go to a restaurant of their choice.) Do what you, bride and groom and her family are comfortable with, and then just relax and be gracious. Nobody can take issue with that – or if they do, that is *their *problem.</p>
<p>IMO</p>
<p>Since you are putting in 2/3 of the money for the reception, why not opt for an elegant buffet as opposed to a sit down dinner? You cannot beat west coast crab, salmon and fresh fruit and veggies. It’s much easier to accommodate vegetarians (quite common out here), vegans and those eating Kosher and it’s usually cheaper.</p>