<p>I will be so happy if my sons find wives that I will not care about the wedding. I’ve been reading that young women have become very picky, and if they don’t find someone up to their standards, they do not marry. I’d been assuming, based on my experience, that my sweet, cute, if nerdy and unstylish, sons would have no trouble finding wives. Now I’m uneasy. Will have to teach them to cook well and maybe to get their hair cut more stylishly (and in the case of one of them, to actually comb it).</p>
<p>Both of them developed some acne at around age 14. The older, when I told him we would be going to a dermatologist because of the acne, said, “Why should I care?” He was not being rude, it was an honest question. The younger, who had his derm vist a month ago, was not happy about having to spend an hour and a half on this trip. Then, when the nurse was going over all the things he would have to do morning and night, I saw dismay in his face. When we got home, he asked me how long the multiple steps would take him. He did not consider it a good use of his time.</p>
<p>No parents…I am not leaving you at all. I am, the Goddess of Discretion…what they want they will get. I will not offer advice unless asked…Please God no doves…but to us (soon to be survivors of the wedding debacles) I will ***** my way through this. Venting is healthy…and the bride and her mother won’t know that I’m doing this.</p>
<p>We have dear friends who’s son married 3 years ago…aka The Wedding From Hell. The parents of the groom were not allowed to give a toast to their son. The son did not acknowledge his parents at the wedding. The hatred is here. Our friends made mistakes…her family made mistakes. But in the end, these families are fractured.</p>
<p>I grew up in the deep south with all sorts of rules including wedding rules. It was a shock to me to learn not everyone had the same rules, but I figured they were mostly arbitrary and really didn’t matter that much. Then I came to appreciate that the purpose of the rules was to keep everyone on the same page… no misunderstandings. I also came to realize that if a young woman isn’t taught some sort of rules by her elders, there is no way she can figure it all out by herself within the time constraints necessary to plan a wedding.</p>
<p>Mothers can be such a huge benefit in wedding planning if they understand some rules. When they don’t, it looks like the blind leading the blind to me and an almost certain recipe for conflict. It is impossible to foresee everything that can come up.</p>
<p>I don’t care what kind of party anyone else gives as long as it is clear I am not the host. ;)</p>
<p>If I am seen as the host, I am planning the party to my own set of rules. :)</p>
<p>ellebud - you may need to pick yet another user name to tell us your wedding tales. And Please! the Chanel riot - Please!</p>
<p>confession: my favorite weddings are the type garland just hosted.</p>
<p>ETA:
</p>
<p>Life is so much easier if you can get along with the parents of your childrens’ spouses. It is worth a lot of achieve that goal. imho</p>
<p>I am from the East Coast and have travelled out of town to many of my family and friend’s weddings. Being Jewish, the majority of the weddings we attend are Jewish ranging from Orthodox on DH’s side as well as one on Eastern Parkway at the Lubavitcher Rebbe headquarters for friend’s son (grew up reform but both he and now wife became orthodox through Chabad) to reform Jewish or mixed ceremonies with both rabbi and a different faith officiant. In orthodox weddings there is a bedecking ceremony during the cocktail hour which can be lengthy, then the ceremony, then after a lengthy wait, dinner and separate-sex dancing for hours, especially if separate seating, no social dancing involved. For non-Orthodox wedding, ceremony followed by cocktail hour followed by dinner and dancing. Dancing stops during service for salad/appetizer and main courses being served as well as dessert whether the music is provided by a 10-piece band, or DJ or sometimes both. </p>
<p>For out of town weddings in which I am a guest for family or friend’s children, we pay our travel expenses and hotel. Most hosts will try to offer several hotel choices. There is usually a Friday night dinner for out-of-town guests along with both families and bridal parties. The ceremony and reception is usually a Saturday night and there is always a brunch on Sunday morning. There was one at an inn in the Catskills where Saturday morning golf was also set up. There have been others where all the women go to salon for make-up and hair. I always appeciate having the host make those arrangements so you are not hunting around in an unfamiliar place even I go at a different time on my own. </p>
<p>We recently went to a church wedding at West Point in which the church service was at noon or so on a Saturday, then the reception was called for 5 PM and there was a cocktail hour followed by dinner and dancing with music provided by DJ. There was Sunday morning brunch. We stayed at the hotel the Saturday night of the party. Other family who drove up to NY from Florida arrived on Friday night but no out of town guest dinner was provided. They didn’t have a problem with that. We had no problem either with the one out of town wedding we went to where guests were not provided for on Friday night. It was a long drive and we found a casual place for dinner close by.</p>
<p>Elle–I’m confused. It’s your son getting married? </p>
<p>There’s no accounting for taste. I happened upon one of those wedding gown shows on cable and I must say I don’t understand how some of these women pick those god awful dresses. And one was trying on expensive dresses with dirty cowboy boots. I cannot believe the shop owner even allowed her to do so. Ugh.</p>
<p>Ah… that is tough. Are you close with the bride? Perhaps you can lend some of your shopping expertise :)</p>
<p>I have a friend who has the most amazing shopping talent. She could’ve been very successful as a personal shopper. She can walk into any store - high end or thrift - and walk out with the perfect item at a wonderful price. It’s a gift.</p>
<p>NYMomof2-ixnay on your suggestion of having, in essence, two weddings! That’s been broached and rejected. We think the bride and her family would be offended by this.</p>
<p>As to those of you questioning whether we have communicated directly with the MOB and FOB, no, we have not. I have spoken with the bride-to-be to explain what we would like the caterer to do in terms of keeping the wedding “kosher style.” I think that’s perfectly reasonable!</p>
<p>I want to explain again to everyone that the bride’s parents have given her money and told her to plan the wedding along with my son. They are willing to be involved insofar as scouting out a few places and eliminating a couple they know their daughter wouldn’t like, but I sincerely believe they want nothing to do with being considered the “hosts” of this wedding.
We certainly don’t want to be considered the hosts either, but our son is feeling under tremendous stress trying to please his bride-to-be while holding onto some of the things he was expecting at his own wedding.</p>
<p>The Alaska Air credit card coupled with the companion fare is a brilliant possibility to look into! Thanks, 99!</p>
<p>bookmama22-whew! I’m glad that someone else knows what I am talking about when I describe the weddings we’ve been to. “For non-Orthodox wedding, ceremony followed by cocktail hour followed by dinner and dancing. Dancing stops during service for salad/appetizer and main courses being served as well as dessert whether the music is provided by a 10-piece band, or DJ or sometimes both.”</p>
<p>Eemahevul-re: the dancing, I think that the majority of people will dance most of the time. Some of this depends on how good the band or DJ is at “reading” the wedding reception and picking up on the type of music which seems to be the preferred dance music. As for those who choose not to dance, they sit at the tables and chat. If I don’t like/know a song that’s being played, I simply say to DH," I’m done" and I sit down for a while. But I have been to weddings where the band was so good that the dance floor was packed for a long time and everyone was a sweaty mess by the end. :)</p>
<p>I am appreciative of everyone’s comments, whether or not I agree with them. :)</p>
<p>zipyourlips-meant to say thanks to you for the detailed response about the hotel location. I will let my son know this and hopefully he will have time to check this out during the three days they have allocated for planning in Seattle at the beginning of next week.</p>
<p>Agent99,I think I saw that episode - SYTTD Atlanta, right? If I remember correctly, the boots were not only dirty, they were dirty with cow dung. And she planned to wear them to the wedding. I agree that the dresses are godawful. And horribly expensive.</p>
<p>I was at a Bar Mitzvah a few years ago where the family had hired some people whose function it was to get everyone dancing. This they did very well. I danced the whole time, including on top of tables at one point. The next day, I could hardly believe that I’d done this. I am NOT the dancing on tables type. </p>
<p>But the BM was the best party I’ve ever been to.</p>
<p>Have enjoyed reading this thread. As an east-coaster, I am in complete support of your feeling that the guests who have traveled that distance should be treated well.</p>
<p>My own wedding was a sit-down dinner interspersed with big band dancing; very fun. </p>
<p>One suggestion - VRBO has many Seattle rentals listed in multiple neighborhoods. I noticed that reviewers frequently mention that they are in Seattle for a wedding. Larger homes are sometimes used for catered rehearsal dinners; smaller homes might be a more economical option for your son’s friends or family.</p>
<p>NYMom: Yes! That was the episode. We live in the country and have more pairs of boots than I want to admit. No one I know wears manure covered boots off of the farm. It’s unsanitary, unhealthful to other properties (you can transmit diseases) and stinky. Not to mention inappropriate to wear while trying on wedding dresses – ugly or not. </p>
<p>Of course, this is reality programming so I’m sure the shop owner was encouraged by the producers to allow this young women to embarrass herself and her family on national television.</p>
<p>We just had one wedding and are in the midst of planning a second. One thing that was very different than my own wedding (a million years ago) is that for my wedding, there were local and cultural “rules” that everyone understood and for my step-children’s weddings, those seem to be absent. Those rules, silly or constricting as some may have been, made things easy. When we got engaged, my fiance’s parents knew to call my parents to share their joy and to schedule a dinner for us all to get together and talk wedding. My mother’s and future MIL’s friends and relatives knew the rule of entertaining me and my fiance. My parents knew what was expected of them (throw the wedding and brunch, what was acceptable food, venue, etc.) and my in-laws knew what was expected of them (Rehearsal Dinner). And so on. Everything was easy and everyone was happy (well, until hubby #1 and I divorced!!!)</p>
<p>When my step-daughter got engaged, we had met her fiance’s (divorced) parents one time previous. We thought it would be a good idea to get everyone together to talk. We invited but it never happened. Misunderstandings started pretty much day one and continued until the day of the wedding. Although the wedding was lovely, much unhappiness and uncomfortableness could have been avoided if there had be mutually understood “rules”.</p>
<p>Agentninetynine, I stopped watching that show - the brides were just too bizarre. And I got tired of seeing people who are clearly of limited means pressured into spending multiple thousands on a dress to be worn once.</p>
<p>NYMOMof2, I never understand that either-people spending thousands on a wedding dress. If you have the money, no problem. But some people clearly do not have the means to be spending that kind of money.</p>
<p>The thing that is even stranger to me -the people who already have multiple young children and have been together for years but just want a dream wedding. I can’t imagine the money they are spending could not be put to better use ( and yes, I know I’m judging!).</p>
<p>By the way, I’m sure your boys will be just fine! Girls like sweet and cute!</p>
<p>IntheBiz: I know what you mean. While some of the unspoken rules may seem out of date or silly, they really set limits on expectations. Everyone knew the game plan and if there was a need for a change it was handled.</p>
<p>But I was raised in a culture, while not the south, was similar in terms of how things “were done.” Some of Max’s extended family never got the memo and subsequently some of them just showed up at our wedding even though they hadn’t been invited!</p>
<p>NYMom: I only saw the show two or three times. But it’s like a train wreck, you can’t avert your eyes. And yes, it’s very uncomfortable to see the parents of these women clearly stretching their budget for a dress (often hideous) that will be worn only a few hours.</p>
<p>Thanks for the encouraging words about the boys, sevmom! </p>
<p>Yes, its a strange show. I don’t understand how anyone, with children or just starting out, can’t find a better use for, say, $5,000. Unless they are rich, then I understand.</p>
<p>And, as agentninetynine points out, the dresses are usually ugly.</p>
<p>^ My D’s fiance (a guy) has been at least as involved in their wedding planning as she, and yes, I have been surprised. It was he who wanted a harpist for the ceremony, and he has been developing a playlist of songs for the reception. (He is also more organized and proactive than my more* laissez-faire *D.)
The one thing she cares about more than he does is the dancing. </p>
<p>My H was actually quite involved in planning our wedding. I recall long discussions re the wording of our invitation, and he chose the readings for the ceremony.</p>
<p>But my son, I am confident, will leave** all** to his GF and the moms to handle – will care only about going on the honeymoon!</p>
<p>NYMom: A good friend has two boys who are similar to yours. They do eventually figure it out. Usually when they find someone who piques their interest!</p>
<p>My son is lucky to have his sister, who has schooled him with regard to appropriate hygiene (although he’s always been good about showers) and cajoled him into not wearing the same shirt to school every. single. day. He barely registers my comments but listens to her like she’s the second coming.</p>
“For non-Orthodox wedding, ceremony followed by cocktail hour followed by dinner and dancing. Dancing stops during service for salad/appetizer and main courses being served as well as dessert whether the music is provided by a 10-piece band, or DJ or sometimes both.”</p>