<p>ellebud: Thank you for the chanel story!!
:):):)</p>
<p>Emaheevul07 and alh both wrote excellent posts. You have to help your son navigate these waters appropriately. He may be overly projecting what he wants for the wedding. At the end of the day as someone else said, this is relationship he will have for a very long time.</p>
<p>The budget they gave your future DIL may very well be based on their perception of what things cost or should cost. Perhaps the do envision a very low key affair?</p>
<p>Also,The bride’s parents giving her money for the wedding may mean in their eyes that they ARE hosting the wedding. Or at least hosting along with the bride and groom. It may be awkward for the groom’s family to be hosting both a rehearsal dinner AND a brunch and the bride’s family hosting nothing. I would make very sure that really is their intention.</p>
<p>Lots of my kids’ friends and friends’ kids have gotten married in recent years and I have maybe seen it all.</p>
<p>One scenario: daughter wants a completely different kind of wedding than parents think is tasteful and parents eventually throw up their hands, give her a check and tell her to figure it out herself.</p>
<p>Another scenario: parents of bride think weddings have become too over-the-top and set what seems to be a small budget. Then later give the “kids” a huge check to pay off school loans or buy a house.</p>
<p>Yet another scenario: father of bride offers home wedding (his friends do a cook out and provide the music) and he builds the bride and groom a new house. Groom is enthusiastic. Bride says her wedding is not going to be a kegger.</p>
<p>I hosted a Mother’s Day lunch for my mom and FMIL this year (borrowed plates then, too!), so they met once but that was their only communication and was before we were engaged. Our mothers ADORED each other but neither one has called the other yet and we have been engaged for weeks. If this is a normal expectation, neither one of them is aware of it. I assume FMIL is waiting for my side to take the lead so she doesn’t seem pushy, and my mom is waiting for me to decide how much involvement I want from everyone-- including her. </p>
<p>We are planning to host a barbecue in September for the families to meet, celebrate the engagement, and see our house. I assume this will be the first, and maybe the only time, the two sides converse directly. If I didn’t facilitate it it would never have happened.</p>
<p>My point is, this is a situation where it is REALLY easy to assume everybody is operating out of the same rule book when really they aren’t.</p>
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<p>absolutely!</p>
<p>I have friends, with whom I grew up, who would assume the groom’s parents didn’t approve of the relationship if they didn’t call when the engagement was announced. Obviously, this would be a ridiculous assumption in many cases, but there it is. That would be their interpretation.</p>
<p>Are parents still involved in the process when the adult children are living together?
Just curious.
H & I were young when we married (barely 26 & 23) but we had been living together for a few years. That is even more common now, although I think more are waiting till they are older/ finished with grad school.</p>
<p>Neither of our families were very involved in the wedding planning- those who pay, get more say.
However H & I had a shared idea of what we wanted. I can’t imagine getting married if the ideas were divergent.</p>
<p>We do live together, but I don’t think our parents would have responded to the engagement any differently if we weren’t. My sister was briefly engaged at 18 to a 19 year old, both of them lived at home, and it wasn’t any different-- and I thought it might be being that they were that young. I think mothers these days might be handing the wedding planning reins more to the brides than they used to, or at least MY mother is! </p>
<p>I think my parents assume they are paying and don’t want to be presumptuous about the groom’s family contributing, I think that is what they would worry about doing inadvertantly in reaching out to them. That might be a good reason for the groom’s family to take the first step. My mom did mention to me that traditionally the grooms family pays for the liquor and wanted to know if we could expect that, and I told her probably not without really consulting with anybody. The issue wasn’t pressed and probably won’t come up again.</p>
<p>Wedding planning…yes indeedy we are planning. My family (parents of the groom) and future in laws have seen each other several times. They are more religious/very religious and some of friends and family are downright Orthodox. We are secular/reform Jews with Mr. Ellebud (who is half Jewish…who knew?) raised Episcopalian. </p>
<p>Our side believes in intimate weddings. Her side 300 plus. We are paying. It has been VERY tedious diplomacy…her mother (and divorced broke elderly father) want an Orthodox synagogue. That wasn’t happening for so many reasons.</p>
<p>Agreement reached…Reform rabbi, gorgeous restaurant with food choices: fish or vegetarian pasta. No pork or shellfish…darn on the shellfish. Some of the guests MUST have strictly kosher. Their side ordering from a kosher restaurant…totally sealed meals with utensils.</p>
<p>The structure of the day: champagne upon entering the venue (with a few little pick me up snacks)…ceremony…cocktail hour (bride and groom eat quietly and separately from the guests)…we mingle and bride and groom enter 15 minutes before dinner service to dance…sit down dinner…music will not be blasting during dinner. We have asked for jazz, Steven Tyrell type music…and then between courses dancing. This venue has to end music (per our local law) at 11 in the evening. The restaurant does something “special” to elegantly end the evening.</p>
<p>So…it is 5 hours…beginning to end.</p>
<p>bevhills,Since it sounds like you are paying for 100% of the wedding ( very nice of you) , how are the invitations going out?</p>
<p>Servmom: Yes, we are. Paying that is. The invitations for the engagement party have been printed. Other side is doing that: The invitation starts with: mommy ellebud and daddy ellebud, (next line) mommy of the bride (next line) daddy of the bride…</p>
<p>I told mommy of the bride that it was nice but unnecessary to list us first, but she insisted.</p>
<p>When the wedding invitations come out I have always felt that tradition should win out. And yes, that will mean we get second billing. But, as much as we aren’t happy about several parts of this process, respect is paramount.</p>
<p>That is lovely that you are taking second billing on the wedding invitiation despite being the one to pay. I’m sure the bride appreciates that.</p>
<p>I think I will be done with the following comments and thank everyone for their input.</p>
<p>lastminutemom-the very LAST thing my son is doing is “overly projecting” what he wants for this wedding. He has been so deferential to his bride-to-be all through their relationship, which is now ongoing for 4 years if I recall correctly, (and they have been living together for the last two,) that she is probably stunned that he has an opinion about any aspect of the wedding. :)</p>
<p>alh-I am quite sure that the bride’s parents know that we approve of this relationship. As I said waaay upthread, the bride-to-be has been a guest in our home multiple times. DH and I have gone the extra mile with providing her with career advice, schlepping her here and there, picking her up from airports to get her to interviews on this side of the country, as well as driving two cars 120 miles roundtrip to where they live so that my son could have a car in an emergency to take her to the airport when public transportation broke down. Her father called to thank us profusely the next day.</p>
<p>Finally, we are really nice people 
and I’m sure that the bride’s parents are, too. This is simply a case of East meets West with each side not having a clue about how things are OFTEN done on the other side of the country. It is clear that they were looking for a very low-key affair. We are simply looking for one small step up from low-key. There is TONS of compromise on our part, and I’m sure they are thinking the same on their part. The extent of the compromise on our part includes the vision of where the bride wants the wedding reception (actual venue) to be held, which may very well preclude several of our significant older relatives from attending. We think that’s a real compromise to start with.</p>
<p>Finally, in the nine+ years that I have been on CC, this is the first time I have started a thread which has generated so many responses. It is really interesting to see how people can form such strong opinions without knowing the people involved. This will help me in my future comments on other people’s threads. Thanks again!</p>
<p>Momof3sons, do you have any idea why the bride’s parents do not wish to be involved in the wedding arrangements? They aren’t unhappy about the marriage, are they? Do you think they might be unhappy about the fact that the couple seems to be settling on the east coast, with your family as an anchor? </p>
<p>Of course, they may just be uninterested in planning parties. This would be my position; if I had a daughter and she liked spending time choosing food, flowers, etc., I would be more than happy to hand over a check and stay out of it!</p>
<p>ETA: cross-posted with momof3sons - sorry!</p>
<p>It seems it may be more a low key vs. formal issue than an East coast /West coast thing. Sounds like the bride’s family just wants a more low key affair than you do.</p>
<p>Momof 3sons: A not nice family wouldn’t consider anyone’s needs or wishes for anything. You are obviously nice people. It is difficult when both sets of parents live in 10 minute drive to each other. Cross country? REALLY difficult.</p>
<p>My husband…35 years ago…startled his parents by giving an opinion. My son had a few opinions…and we met most of his needs and wants. Bride has several requests…including a veil ceremony that I knew NOTHING about. Done. </p>
<p>It is so hard to balance different families. And lest you think this is easy…I am up most nights before a decision is made. My future dil was read the riot act (Emily Post) by her 90 year old aunt. What a disappoint their side is…bride’s family is to pay for it all. I asked whether she was going to contribute. No. Then keep your opinions to yourself.</p>
<p>My new favorite line? Thank you so much for your input…said in a false gushing style…are you paying for the wedding want to contribute? (said that to mob when she was told occupany max at the restaurant…and that she “needed” 150 guests.</p>
<p>As far as length of thread–guffaw! Have you seen how half the CC parent crew has demonstrated wedding thread fever for the last year or so? Apparently it’s like catnip on this site (and I will be the first to admit guilt! :)) So I don’t think it means anything personal; I think it means we like chewing on wedding questions.</p>
<p>Momof3sons, I have an idea. Maybe call a synagogue or two in Seattle or Bellevue (not the one family attends) and, anonymously, speak with somebody in the office for a little bit, explaining that you’re helping plan the wedding and wanted to know more about norms for the area. Maybe you’ll hit a gem who can really help you get a feel for what they see regularly or can offer up some helpful tips. :)</p>
<p>Wedding threads bring out the best and the worst, which is why they’re so much darn fun. Besides it’s comforting to know that other people’s families are as crazy as our own!</p>
<p>Both of you MOTG are to be complimented for your tact and patience!</p>
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<p>okay, thanks! This changes completely the picture I had from what you had posted. I couldn’t tell if you had ever spoken with them at all. You do have a prior relationship with them.</p>
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<p>I agree and I certainly hope you don’t think I am implying in any way you aren’t nice. Offering to take on the expense and planning of a wedding is beyond nice in my book. It is a huge challenge when families on different coasts have different expectations. None of this is really a question of right or wrong but not understanding the other family’s point of view. IMHO… I am sorry to go on and on, (and go off topic of your thread) but I’ve been living through similar scenarios with friends and relatives over and over the last five or six years. It becomes even more complicated when we get into East (as in Asian) meets West (as in European and American) cultural wedding expectations. I have seen quite a bit of that playing out in recent years as well. I am sure whatever you plan will be lovely. Enjoy it all.</p>
<p>I feel for you ellebud. You are great, too.</p>
<p>We will all survive all the weddings and then we can sit back and relax while we wait for the grandkids. :)</p>