D was born and raised on the West Coast. She went to school and has lived on the East Coast
since the was 18 and is now 34. She married a wonderful man raised in New Jersey who also has lived in
Arizona and CA. since he was 18. Both have been together in Boston the last three years and moved to
Oregon just a few months ago.
SIL’s parents live in NJ. They are very “Hallmark Card” and we are not. Individual differences there.
D texted me that her BIL evidently let SIL know that we had not extended a formal invitation to the in laws
to stay with us when D and SIL’s baby is born in mid Sept. and they will visit in October.
In our world D would simply say (or SIL as he is forward and we have fabulous relationship) when they
are visiting and how many night will we host? period. At that point either they would tell them or we would
send an email. Actually both would happen. We have not known when they were visiting as it has been
vague.
Evidently they expect a somewhat formal invitation from us. (quite willing to do but we had no idea).
Definitely cards when one had an accidents (I did) and so on. ( an email would work for me but I was raised
sending cards and notes and so do this automatically which they expect)
It feels like a foreign world of expectations for us. I am not a slacker at all–I know many of the minuscule
niceties that many around me here do not. (took a small hostess gift to a party last night to the woman
who opened her home for a surprise party for a friend–no one else did.)
So, this is going to be an interesting discussion I hope. I would never disappoint either SIL or D.
Do Intend to have an open discussion next time they come for dinner.
S married a lovely woman whose parents and all extended family has been born
and raised in small towns in the PNW. No thank you notes and no protocol.
This has had it’s own difficulties.
I don’t think that is an east coast/west coast thing. I grew up in the NE and would never in a million years expect a formal invitation to stay at someone’s house. I’m also confused as to why it would be expected that you would host them and they wouldn’t stay with your daughter and their son. Regardless, I totally agree that your sil should have asked you, and then it’s a quick email/text to his parents.
I am in the NE. When D1’s in-laws hosted a shower for her in upstate NY, we stayed at a hotel. They didn’t ask us to stay with them and we wouldn’t have want to. Not sure why you would be expected to host them when they are visiting their son.
I’m a bit confused. It seems to me the issue is that you never sent your daughters in-laws an invitation to stay with you when your daughter and son will be visiting you? As the in-law, I sure would hesitate to invite myself as I don’t know whether it’s convenient for you to have extra bodies in the house beyond your daughter and the new baby. If you want them with you, you should have sent them an email directly. I don’t think you need to have sent a formal card. (East coaster here.)
I’ve spent years in California and the biggest difference I’ve noticed is that Californians are much better about stopping if you put your toe in a crosswalk.
“D texted me that her BIL evidently let SIL know that we had not extended a formal invitation to the in laws
to stay with us when D and SIL’s baby is born in mid Sept. and they will visit in October.”
If I read this right then it sounds like BIL is making a mess of things. (Sounds like the old “telephone” game.)
As already mentioned, why would the in-laws expect to stay with you? Sounds like they’ve already made plans to visit in October and none of this is of your concern. If anything maybe they’d like to see you then but never planned on staying with you at all. You don’t owe them a formal invite for anything nor do I suspect that they are needing one.
This is not an east coast vs west coast thing.Are they originally from the US because it sounds cultural. It is not up to you to host anyone overnight. Why aren’t they staying with their son and daughter in law? I think you are being nice and hospitable of you give them a tour of the city and pay for lunch.
Agree that this is definitely not a location issue. It is an overstepping of bounds by your sil. I have known my dil’s parents since our ds was 10. We actually participated in many functions prior to our children dating and eventually marrying. Even so, no way I felt obligated to host them when they visited ds and dil when we used to live near our ds. I would equally never consider asking them to host us if we visited ds and dil if they lived near them.
The only time we have ever hosted her parents is when our oldest granddaughter was born prematurely while ds and dil were visiting us from OOS. Their daughter was in the NICU near us and dil stayed with us while ds had to go back home. Dil lived with us the 12 weeks that our granddaughter was in the NICU. When her parents came up to see her and the baby, they stayed with us. This was definitely due to the circumstances and dil needing to be surrounded by people who loved and supported her.
Otherwise, since we are not really friends with her parents and more acquaintances, I feel no obligation to host them in normal situations. That is what hotels are for or they can stay in dil and ds’s home.
I’m from NJ and would never expect, or want, a formal invitation to stay with DIL’s family when visiting the kids. We really enjoy DIL’s parents’ company and would love to get together for dinner, but barring extenuating circumstances like @Mom2aphysicsgeek had, we would want to stay at either the kids’ place or a hotel when visiting.
Sounds like a game of Telephone. “D said BIL said that SIL said that inlaws said . . .” that they expect an invitation to stay at your house. My guess would be that it’s nothing of the sort; maybe all they expected was an invitation to dinner!
It’s really a communication issue and has nothing to do with coastal differences.
Do you want your daughter’s in-laws to stay with you?
If so, invite them and make it very clear what you are inviting them for - a weekend, x days, etc. The means of communication is less important, IMO, than clear and open communication coming from you, not your daughter, not your son-in-law. It can be by phone, email, or written correspondence. Make it clear and genuine.
If you don’t intend to host them, your son-in-law and daughter can invite them as their guests or communicate that a hotel would be best.
To me, there is way too much drama and telephone game going on here. It doesn’t need to be so complicated and the drama just opens it up to a potential for hurt feelings and folks feeling uncomfortable. That can be avoided.
“took a small hostess gift to a party last night to the woman who opened her home for a surprise party for a friend–no one else did”
I’m curious to know how you know this? Did you observe every guest’s arrival and interaction with the host?
Are you sure they want a “formal” invitation or just an invitation? Couldn’t you email them and say “We hear you are coming for grandbaby’s birth and we are happy to have you stay with us” (add for 4 nights if you want to limit it). Or just send a friendly email asking when they are coming and what their plans are and offer to put them ip.
I would certainly want to know whether I needed to find a hotel or other accomodations if I was traveling from the east coast. And I wouldn’t feel comfortable presuming I could stay with you. I would want an invite (not formal, email or phone call). I don’t think this has anything to do with what coast you are from.
I am not sure I understand the situation from your post. Are you saying that this would not be decided until they get there? Will they stay with their son and daughter-in-law for part of the time?
And agree that the biggest difference NE to NW is that NWern pedestrians obey traffic signals and people are more likely to stop for pedestrians in crosswalks (although we Easterners are getting better)!
I agree with some of the above posters. To me it sounds like the in-laws are trying to make plans but they don’t want to assume you’re happy to host them without some indication from you. I wouldn’t want to invite myself to someone else’s house and a 3rd party assurance that I’d be welcome would only partially satisfy my need to know that I wouldn’t be inconveniencing another family. In other words, it’s not your SIL’s place to invite his parents to stay with you. Take the bull by the horns, and as @doschicos and @mom2and have recommended, send them an email or give them a call to let them know you’d be happy to have them when the baby’s born.
BTW, I can see why the in-laws may not want to stay with the kids when the baby’s born. It can be a lot for a new mother to host family, no matter how helpful they may try to be, on top of caring for a new baby. Having a few days at your house might be a nice way for the 4 grandparents to bond.
I agree with others that this is not a coast-vs-coast thing. I have lived on both coasts and two different countries (US and Canada) and I have stayed with relatives on both coasts and in the middle of both countries and have hosted visitors here. To me this looks like a family vs family or culture vs culture thing.
If they expect an invitation, and if you would be happy hosting them and have the room, then send them an invitation. Email should work fine.
Sounds like your daughter’s inlaws are trying to train you to treat them a certain way. Proceed with caution. In my experience, the bar keeps getting raised higher and higher.
This all sounds very strange to me. In my opinion, they need to get a hotel room. I would not extend an invitation unless you are willing to host them every time they come to town.
My S’s il’s are nice people. I’ve met them twice, once was the wedding. I do not as a rule invite people I’ve met twice to stay at my house.
My il’s stayed with my mom once in the 30+ years I’ve been married and that was 3 years ago. Because my mom invited them and reinvited them a few times. My il’s have been very nice to my mom since my dad passed away.
This is not an east coast west coast thing.
I think the whole exchange is very odd and nervy of the il’s.
I would not feel obligated to host them and I disagree with the posters that they should automatically stay with their son and dil. Some women breeze thru child birth others do not. It’s not always a good idea to have people staying with you especially if they are not going to be helpful. I’ve heard horror stories of parents coming to visit after a birth and expecting to be entertained.
Yes, this is strange. Why would they assume that you would host them? That makes no sense to me. I can’t imagine anyone assuming this of a son’s or daughter’s inlaws. If they are planning a trip across the country in a month, and know their dates, most people would have booked a hotel by now. I would certainly offer them a dinner invitation while they visited but not a place to stay. I would not want to be in a position to set that precedent.
My NJ in-laws are a lot like that. They would have expected a personal invitation from you, not relayed through the kids. It is not unlikely that they know if you have the bed space to host guests.
Some other hints: put out snacks whether or not they want anything. Ask them what they would like to drink and give them choices, no “grab what you want from the kitchen.” Assign seats at the table. The whole host/guest thing is much more uptight back east but it has its merits.