I only stay with longime friends and relatives who WANT us to stay with them. I would not assume a new mom would want overnight guests AT ALL! New moms have enough to deal with and don’t need houseguests in addition.
I would offer a dinner invitation but that would be about it. Perhaps suggestions of good nearby hotels, if they inquire might be helpful.
When we had our kids, we didn’t want anyone at our house…or even from out of town…visiting the first couple of weeks we were home. After that, parents came and stayed with us…and were helpful. Prepared meals, cleaned the house, took the baby for a walk, changed some diapers, etc.
Are these In laws going to help while they are there…or is this a vacation?
If I’m reading your post correctly, it sounds like there is a lot of hearsay/assumption going on. So your daughter’s brother-in-law (assume this means her husband’s brother) somehow conveyed to your daughter’s husband that you in-laws have not received a formal invitation from you to stay with you when they come visit in October.
My first question would be 1) do you even want to or had you even planned to host your SIL’s parents? If so, then why wouldn’t you just call them or send them an email? It sounds like there must have been some conversation about it with your D and SIL (them with you and them with her in-laws). Did you D and SIL tell his parents that you were willing to host them? If so, maybe they were under the assumption that they wouldn’t choose dates w/o knowing what timing works for you?
To me, the easiest thing to clear it all up, IF you were planning on having them stay with you, would be to call and say, “D tells me that you were planning to come for a visit in October. We would be happy to have you stay with us if the timing of your trip works out. When are you planning to come?” Perhaps they were planning to stay in a hotel but the message was conveyed to them that you were willing to have them stay with you? Maybe they haven’t made any plans b/c they didn’t want to assume that was the case w/o getting that invitation from you directly.
This definitely does not sound like an East Coast/West Coast difference in manners/formality. I’m an East Coaster married to a West Coaster for over 20 years. MIL has always stayed with us when she visits (my FIL died 17 years ago). My parents did go out to the West Coast once b/c we had our oldest D baptized there, but they stayed in a hotel. I don’t recall specifics but I think it was b/c most of dh’s family was staying at my in-laws (he has a large family).
Even if folks MEAN to help, it is extra stress on the homeowners as they will feel obligated to entertain and be good company, even though they will likely be exhausted.
After I had each of my two babies, my dear mom came over every day for a month to chat with me, while the baby slept. She kept saying I ought to nap but her being there kept me feeling I needed to carry on a conversation and be engaging. I was sure glad she wasn’t a houseguest and DID go home after the prolonged visits.
I loved her company but was exhausted as baby woke frequently ALL night.
So on this case…are these inlaws expecting to be entertained by the OP?
I think the story is odd. If they are visiting their kid, they need to visit their kid…and not expect others to be apart of the plan.
Maybe what happened here is these Inlaws offered to come and stay WITH the new parents and baby…and having the OP extend an invite will get the inlaws elsewhere.
This definitely is not an east coast/west coast thing.
There is something else going on.
If you are OK with them staying, a phone call would suffice but not an email. It needs to be in your own voice.
My wife’s extended NJ family have always been exceptional guests, will bring a gift and offer to help out, usually treat at least one expensive meal out as a thank you.
As empty nesters with available bedrooms our list of who is allowed to stay in our house is a mile long and living near Seattle we get visitors often enough.
In this case, I’d have the child of the ILs touch base and ask them directly what they have in mind. I’d tell them I could help them find nearby hotels if they don’t already have reservations but that the new family will be tired and limiting visiting hours while they rest up.
I’d definitely say that of course we are delighted they’ll be visiting and would love to share a meal or few meals.
I would guess the parents who live in the area may entertain for a meal or two but not 24/7 and not daily.
In any case, that’s how I’d try to handle it—sometimes easier said than done.
I’d be annoyed. Who is the D’s brother in law to communicate ths expectation?
“The whole host/guest thing is much more uptight back east but it has its merits.”
You’re referring to some subcultures, not a norm. My extended fmaily and DH are NJ folks. Most people live their own lives, don’t pass the word to others on how they expect to be hosted.
If I were the out of towner, I’d book a hotel room and later, if an invite came, decide where to stay.
Lol, both states now have rules you must stop your car for a pedestrian to cross. It didn’t used to be so, in NJ.
OP, I am not exactly sure what your question is. I originally read it as asking whether a formal invitation from you is correct manners if you expect the other grandparents to stay at your home, rather than just an invitation relayed by your daughter or son-in-law on your behalf. I thought you were happy to host, just didn’t think to extend an invitation yourself and were wondering about norms and customs.
If that is the question, I was raised never to go to someone’s home without an invitation from the lady of the house. These days there isn’t necessarily a lady of the house, but I think the basic concept holds true. Only the people living in the home have the right to extend invitations to their home. The reason for the rule is to prevent a host being surprised by unexpected guests. I think it’s a sensible rule.
If the question is whether it is good manners or customary to host the other grandparents in your home under those circumstances, I really don’t think this is an etiquette issue. It’s just a personal decision whether you want houseguests or not.
Some of this is also socioeconomic and there are many cultural threads running through various families. A westerner, I married into a New York family and certainly noticed cultural differences, more in them being outwardly opinionated as well as more generous than my family. I do think they stayed in a hotel after the kids were born.
My Ds sig other’s family came to town recently for the first time in their relationship. They needed a place to stay, and were going to camp out on the apartment floor of their S and my D. I was planning to be out of town, so offered them my house so they could all be more relaxed and comfortable. That sort of generosity is the culture I was raised in. They and I both resent paying for hotels (or so I gather), so it was natural for me to offer. The invitation was relayed through their S and my D. I had never met them previously. We had dinner and I left town the following morning for my trip. They stayed an additional two days.
Decades ago, I had the impression people put each other up in their homes more. These days, hotels seem to be the more the norm. Some haven’t gotten the message about hotels, or so I notice in my own extended family.
My mother came right after each baby was born and was great. She did all the laundry and as much cooking as I wanted her to. She was happy to go fetch take-out. My in-laws visited a couple of weeks later and were fine, but not as useful!
It’s not an east coast west coast thing about telling your guests they can help themselves to stuff in the fridge - I do it all the time, though I’ve learned when some people stay I have to tell them what to keep their hands off of, or they may use stuff I was planning to serve for a meal.
Age and energy seem to be deciding factors. My Boston g/f found her parents to be incredibly helpful, while the INLaws, many years older, expected to be cared for. After baby #1, the ILs were invited to visit a month after the birth.
Personally, I couldn’t expect to be invited to stay with INLaws I barely know. I would be far more comfortable in a hotel. I suppose $ and expectations could lead me to want to stay with local INLaws.
The responses seem to uniformly agree you owe nothing to those inlaws. Not a coast thing.
Please do NOT extend an invitation for them to stay at your house! They should expect to stay at a hotel if they do not impose on the new parents. Once they have arrived you may want to invite them over for coffee/tea or go all out and have them over for dinner or go to a restaurant with them. In future years it may be that you have become friends and would invite them if they do not stay at the kids’ place. Or it may be that they always use a hotel. My sister and her H always use hotels when visiting their children. They do not impose on the family and disrupt routines. Currently we stay with H’s sister but have not always done so in the 30 plus years we visit each other. Sometimes being separate has its advantages.
Wow! I want to say thank you to each and everyone of you.
I know that I stepped into this mess without meaning to do so.
When D asked me in a text last night I should have said that we would talk
about it. I know I was just feeling worried about creating stress in her life right now.
They moved from Boston just a month ago, her residency at the VA for this and the next
few month is exhausting, and she continues to be nauseated. It looks like G’son will
arrive early. When they planned this pg they did not expect it to happen so fast.
Her BFF moved aways two weeks after D got here and as D has said, “too much all
at once”.
The expectations that the in-laws have and that we have are very different.
When they travel with their other S and his wife they share one hotel room.
(then they complain about the DIL. They even did this when here for the wedding and were
miserable. SIL does not want to ever do this!
Everyone of them have enough money to get their own space.
The in-laws have a good friendship with the other DIL’s parents
and hosted them over the Holidays. We want a friendly relationship with no need for
a friendship. (they are nice enough. H is ok, W is self-centered)
I expect to have them for dinner, to take them to sightsee for a day when they visit.
My D knows this and so when she brought this up last night I was confused.
H can go either way but he knows that I prefer not to host anyone but a few that I
enjoy. (mainly, I enjoy having young people visit. They are always independent and take
care of themselves and are fun).
I think that the fact my D passed information on was concerning as it indicated to me that
she feels caught in their expectations. Interestingly, the in-laws were to stay with D and SIL
until they realized that they want to be alone. In-laws will be here 2-3 weeks after the birth.
They return in January with the intention of staying month or longer. SIL is looking for an
airBnB for them so it should not be an issue then.
I seem to have said 3 days would be ok but then regretted it. I am most concerned about the
precedence that this will set and I am past responding to others expectations (or I thought I was #-o).
I will talk with D soon and clarify what is going on. I do know it isn’t really about me but I did
take it that way. It is about her and something to do with his family. It is completely unlike
her to repeat what someone else said. She just does not typically gossip at all.
Tomorrow H and I will go to the mountain to hike and I will clear my head.
And I will reread each and every response here.
One thing that everyone understands is that H and I will not become the caretakers for G’son.
Help, yes, but not the caretaker. The MIL would love to fill that need. I think I have been asked 50-60 times in the past months about this. So at least that is clear.
This forum is the best! I will keep you posted.
I’ll just throw my two sense in here. This is definitely not a coastal thing (NJ native living in PNW for long time). I would not invite them to stay at your home unless you want that to be the status quo going forward. My in laws had a habit of just announcing they were coming after purchasing tickets and planning their vacation…so did my spouses 4 siblings and spouses nieces nephews etc. We live in an area people like to visit. My mistake was not speaking up and saying please get a hotel. My spouse was sensitive to the cost of family members traveling here. I became sensitive to the cost and time spent of feeding hoards of visitors and my home being disrupted constantly. Proceed with caution and hopefully its just some kind of communication error!
So…were they expecting to stay with you for 2-3 weeks? And if not…and they have other lodging arrangements for the rest of the time…then why would they need to stay with you…at all?
Dinner, some sightseeing, etc, sounds nice.
Our area is one that folks enjoy visiting. We only host CLOSE friends who host us back, and there are very few of these. Generally, we and others are more comfortable if everyone has their own space–hotel, Airbnb or whatever. It is unreasonable for people you barely know to expect to sleep at your place for several days unless you and your spouse REALLY LOVE company to stay over–most folks do NOT.
I haven’t read all the responses but to me they’re being presumptuous and rude. I’m sure there are some hotels in the area for them. It’s not your responsibility to host your your daughter’s inlaws in your home for many days unless you want to. I cannot imagine that happening in any family involvement I have. Sounds like a nightmare to me. It’s awkward having someone you barely know in your space for extended period. I’d maybe offer an overnight if they were passing through.
Hosting a meal or outing might be a nice gesture.
I ran into hosting issues/expectations with my husband’s family (all of us from the NE). His family expected everyone to pile into one house, sleep on floors, and felt it rude to send people to the hotel. I grew up where if you had space for close family and friends, you hosted them overnight but otherwise, recommended the closest hotel. This caused a lot of friction in my marriage when we were newlyweds because I didn’t have the backbone to stand up for myself. When our daughter was born, it was an absolutely nightmare. I was told when people were coming with no regard to our own schedules. One holiday my in-laws invited themselves, my sil and her husband, and my dh’s aunts to stay at our home for 10 days! No one other than sil helped with any of the meals or clean up, they expected to be entertained, and waited on hand and foot. I had a toddler! That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me and I told my dh that it was not to happen ever again. My fil still tries to tell us when he’s coming for visits but we both have no issue saying “that doesn’t work for us” if we have plans, and work with him to find other mutually agreeable dates.
OP, this is a long winded way of saying to talk to your daughter to be sure she’s not setting a bad precedence with her in-laws, and you too!
OP, you know how to set boundaries. You may tell these frugal ILs they can use your extra bedroom, but treat it as a hotel. They can make their own food and clean up after themselves.
After I moved to FL, I had people ask to stay with me. Even if I said OK, I let them know I’d be working all day. They would need their own car and be expected to cook their own meals. They are on vacation, but I’m not. St