Question about what is expected/difference coast to coast

Parent Cafe
41

So very sorry your daughter isn’t feeling well and has this added stress.

Now I’m understanding neither you and your husband nor daughter and son in law want to host the other parents?? The good news seems to be that since they expect a personal invitation from you, they won’t show up on your doorstep without one. Just don’t extend the invitation.

Some ideas that might or might not work:

Tell son in law it’s his responsibility to take care of his parents and to not allow his pregnant wife to get stressed about this. He deals with them, finds them a place to stay or tells them to find their own accommodations.

Assuming your daughter will want you, her own mother, helping her out at first anyway, move daughter, son in law and new baby into your home, and then his parents can stay in their place.

I really don’t think accommodating the paternal grandparents should be a priority, and I say that as a paternal grandmother. It’s all about making mama and baby comfortable. imho.

42

To me it sounds like they want the invitation to come directly from you, not through son-in-law. I can see that, that they want to know YOU are okay with it, not just SIL saying “Oh, you can stay with the Browns, they won’t mind.” I’m sure an email saying “We heard you are going to be able to visit in Oct. We’d love to have you stay (or stay Oct 10-14)” would be fine and the aren’t requesting an embossed invitation.

43

Your Ds in laws routinely share one hotel room with their son and DIL?? @-)

44

“I haven’t read all the responses but to me they’re being presumptuous and rude”

I don’t think that can be ascertained by the info the OP posted. Sounds like the plan was to stay with their son and OP’s daughter than the SIL and daughter changed their mind, asked OP to host them for part of the visit, and that was relayed to the SIL’s parents. Makes sense now why the SIL’s parents were looking for word directly from OP and her husband that the invite was valid and genuine. They are right to want that confirmation IMO instead of taking the invitation from their son. It sounds like OP feels a bit coerced into letting her SIL’s parents stay at her house and it is not a genuine heartfelt invitation therefore it shouldn’t be formally extended and OP needs to make that clear to her daughter and SIL and have them fix it.

Nobody wants to be a house guest where they aren’t genuinely wanted. At least, I wouldn’t.

45

“It’s not going to work for us to host houseguests but here’s a list of local hotels and airbnbs you might look into.”

I’d strongly encourage your daughter to spend some time on the DWIL (dealing with inlaws) section of babycenter when she has a minute free. It will help her set some boundaries before they get here. It sounds like she’s going to need them.

46

Okay, that is just bizarre, and disturbing! Good grief. I would not recommend offering to allow these people to stay in your home.

I’m sorry your daughter isn’t feeling well, and this added in-law stress probably isn’t helping. Her husband should be doing whatever is necessary to deal with his parents and not letting this affect her.

47

My own daughters don’t even want to share a room with me. This summer when I traveled with D2 I had to have 2 bedrooms.

48

Update–Long talk with D. I asked her on a one to ten how important it is for us to have her parents stay with us.
It was a zero. She wishes that I liked the things --weddings, showers, hosting anyone–that everyone else in this
universe does and enjoys. She knows that I simply do not. Had a good conversation clarifying why–I simply hate chit chat, I need real conversations. Yet, ironically I am more capable of bring people together than most anyone.
I would rather provide and orchestrate a party for 50 tomorrow night than attend that party.

Evidently, SIL also does not care at all about us hosting his parents.
We “missed” that it was time to contact them saying how HAPPY we are to spend time with them,
that we want to have them for dinner, that we would like to take care of the baby while
the 4 of them go out together. We were going to all of this. It seems that we were expected to have done this.

D simply wishes I was a different kind of human. This is not all that upsetting to me. We get along
overall, we love each other and she leans on me. But, as a therapist, I respect her need to establish
her identity as a young woman separate from me. At this point I hated my controlling mother. So I,
no doubt, have a different perspective. I think we have more to discuss going forward. I guess I
also know that I was a wonderful mother to her and to many of her friends. And she talks to me although
sometimes a little late.

I have tried very hard to do the things that SIL’s family thinks is nice and expected.
D has always wanted an extended family. My childhood family was/is a mess and I have limited
contact. H’s family pretends they at close and D and SIL have spent time with them. My crazy
sibs all sent wedding gifts and H’s side has sent none. It makes D sad. This is her reach to have
more people in her life that are “family”. I think that is her real issue here. I think that she also
is not seeing SIL’s family dynamics. I do not buy that her BIL just happened to bring up to SIL
that we had not extended an invitation to the parents. NOT realistic. She does not see this and
this is not the time to talk more about it. It will reveal itself in time.

I really want her to have a great extended family. I am not threatened at all.
I did remind her that I sent a Holiday card (none of my friends do this anymore),
Hosted a dinner their wedding week, called and talked 45 minutes before the wedding,
and sent a get well card when the MIL broke her arm, had the H and SIL spend a night with
us in the summer. They have not done a single thing now that I think about it. Now that is interesting.
D thinks we are a lot alike. 5 contacts and MIL has asked me one question to date.

Just rambling here. I hope SIL has the maturity to support D and their marriage before his
parents. I don’t know why he passed on information and D does not either. She acknowledged
that it was out of character for her to gossip and it was.

Sorry this is SO LONG!!! I am still interested in all of your comments. I know there will be a few
layers yet to come. An after thought, SIL and I have a fabulous relationship with intense
common interests. He has asked me alone to Happy Hour (D was busy) to talk.
Told me to come down and have lunch with him someday and see his new office.
I know this is not where whatever is going on is the issue. H and he hiked together a number of
times this summer.

49

@oregon101

This is key “I hope SIL has the maturity to support D and their marriage before his parents.”

I am still trying to wrap my head around them sharing a hotel room with S and DIL. ^#(^

50

Honestly, the best way to avoid family drama is to not create any or engage in any. Don’t do a tit for tat analysis of who does what for whom. Have a relationship with your Dd and sil and dote on the new baby. Let his family be his family and don’t worry about their relationship with them.

The statement that you don’t feel threatened by her relationship with his family means something to you. I am pretty clueless about my ds’s relationship with his inlaws. I don’t ask. It is really none of our business. We love and enjoy the relationship we have them, but their relationships with others (friends, extended family, etc) are theirs.

51

@oregon101

So it seems the expectation from your D and SIL is that you will have dinner once or twice and visit with these inlaws.

Problem solved. You send them a nice note saying “we understand you will be visiting when grand baby arrives. We are looking forward to sharing your joy. Let us know when you will be here so we can go out to dinner, and have a couple of times to visit with you.”

The end.

52

I wish I had more boundaries when I was younger. My family - by that I mean a few siblings - think nothing of everyone doing everything together and coming to stay without an invitation, but merely be informed of the arrival. My parents were never like that. I just hosted a big family party - I ended up having the entire thing catered because I was tired of cooking 3 meals a day for 3 - 4 days for 20+ people. Especially with everyone’s new found eating restrictions. On Saturday night the caterers were here and served it, cleaned up, etc. It was fabulous. The other days we heated up or put out all the food. One sister really had her nose out of joint - she likes it more when hubby and I do it all - even though hubby and I are exhausted and feel like a catering company. Ironically, the one who complained is also the one who never helps. At her house I am put to work, which I don’t mind. This party was happening a few summers in a row for various life events - engagement, graduations, big birthdays, etc. After this one - which people were planning while still here - I have started letting it out - there will be no summer party next year. It’s too exhausting for me, and I can’t stand the complaining when I’ve busted my rear and made it a fabulous time for everyone. My family is more the - I’ll just come stay with you type and seem insulted by the notion of hotels. I’d far rather have my own space and shower and place to get away.

I also don’t actually enjoy the party itself. Oddly no one seems to notice that I don’t really participate a lot. You’d never see me in the middle of the crowd chit chatting. I’ll be in the side room having a conversation with a small group.

I’ve also hosted Thanksgiving for many, many years. Siblings, spouses and their children all come and start making travel arrangements months and months early. Yet, my brothers wife still has the expectation of needing an invitation every year. Her daughter comes a day or two early and helps me prep, and has already bought her plane tickets and boarded her dog. Yet, she still acts surprised that I’m hosting again.

My inlaws are super easy. They never stay with us, and always stay with my husbands sister and her family. We constantly ask, they make plans to come, never let us know they’re coming, and many times we already have different plans. I don’t think they care that much if they even see us. My mother in law told my husband, you don’t have kids at home any more, it would be weird to come over and just visit with you. hmmmm…lol

53

@eyemamom If you do wind up continuing hosting these family gatherings, you need to come up with a schedule whereby different meals are assigned to different people/families including paying for them, especially when kids are old enough to help now. People can cook, order out, or treat all to a meal out - their choice.

“Don’t do a tit for tat analysis of who does what for whom.”

I agree. Stop keeping score. Sounds like the SIL values family and closeness which also translates into his enjoying spending time with you. That’s not a bad thing. As far as house guests, you have a right to do what is comfortable for you and others should respect that but you need to respect and accept other people’s approaches and personalities as well. Your way and style doesn’t need to be theirs.

54

I think you need to do you and your new in-laws need to do them. There is no reason why you should change your behavior to accommodate them. What I mean by that is if it is not in you to host people you do not know that well in your house then you shouldn’t do it. You daughter should also know you would be happy to babysit or have her in-laws out to dinner if you were asked, but you wouldn’t necessary think of it. Why should your daughter expect you to change just because she has a new family?
A few times when D1’s in-laws were in town I asked if we should go out to dinner, she would tell me they like to do their own thing. When we had few occasions of visiting them due to wedding planning, D1 always let it be known that I preferred to stay at a hotel. No one’s feelings is hurt.

I am sure this is late night typing and she doesn’t really feel that way.

55

My kids have had to remind me a times that “Dad’s family is not like your family.” And that’s ok. Sounds like your family is not like your SIL’s family. And that’s ok. As you have seen, conflict can come when someone doesn’t “get” that you are different in some way, and expects you to act in a way that they are used to, and you don’t know what they expect so they get confused.

The texting from the BIL sounds about what would happen with my siblings - “Hey MomofJandL, our parents expected ABC and your in-laws did XYZ, what’s up?” And the fact that it came from your SIL’s brother to him means that SIL and his brother are communicating with SIL’s parents, and they are letting your daughter communicate with you. Again, that sounds like a good plan. She can tell you “my IL’s expected this. I know that’s not what you would have expected, but that’s just how they are. So how can we make this work?”

Sounds like you are focused on keeping your daughter’s stress level down, which is great. I would just think of the rest as some fairly interesting anthropological data about how other families behave around each other, and work with them as best you can.

Best wishes for a safe and healthy birth and low-stress visits.

56

To me the big red flag is not even that the in-laws share a hotel room with their son and DIL, but that the MIL then bad-mouths her DIL. IME, a MIL who bad-mouths one DIL will do the same to another.

Also, what’s with the BIL inserting himself into the relationship? How does he even know about it? Presumably because his mother has already started in on your D and her family.

Your D should be forewarned. Alas, you absolutely can’t be the one to point this out. Hope she has a friend who does so.

57

This is the underlying issue. Proceed with caution. You don’t want to start a pattern that is not in your comfort zone and will be more difficult to break after it has been in place for awhile.

58

Nothing wrong with getting along with your kid’s inlaws. But the imbalance here is in the way the mom communicated her wants to one son, who carried it to the SIL. At that point, I’d think the two fellows could have run some interference. (Maybe they did, and D is just passing the news.)

For the first 2-3 weeks trip, why can’t SIL find an Airbnb or hotel for that, too? Regardless of what MIL thinks she expects, it’s not good manners to think they can stay that long with you. In fact, I’d want the SIL to find them other lodging, maybe give them two options- or just one, then tell them it’s done. Not have this fall on you.

^This part of it (where they stay) is NOT on you, not your task. It’s his parents. (Maybe, “Bobby, we want them to dinner, would love to meet for lunch a few times, but can’t have them stay here, have you looked into options for them?”

Unfortunately, though, you’ve now got a new wing on extended family and it does include them. We now share our kids. It’s not just whether you prefer not to host except younger folks. There’ll be Thanksgivings or December holidays where the kids fly east. Lots of compromises. Maybe Thanksgivings where the in-laws fly out and you do cook or have it catered. It’s a new scheme.

Last Tday, my kid’s inlaws hosted. This thread just got me to ask her if we can have them to dinner this Tday or sooner. I love the mom, very sweet. The dad can talk your ear off, melt your brain. But this is the new “how it is.” We want our kids to see us as welcoming.

Lol. Could be worse.

59

This is such a giant game of telephone it’s hard to give advice. In-laws communicated with BIL, who communicated with SIL, who communicated with daughter, who communicated with oregon101, who communicated with us! Who knows how the original conversation has been garbled along the way after going through all these filters.

60

Sue22, I agree completely.
SIL and I texted and he is clearly fine with his parents staying at an AirBnB. In fact, his dad had
found one he liked and was planning on booking it. Next time SIL and D are with us for dinner we will
talk about expectations.

We sent an email they received today. It was warm and friendly. Basically said that we are looking
forward to their visit, would like to host a dinner in our home, take them to see a sight in our city,
hope W’s broken arm is healing and her trip will not be uncomfortable.
I sent Bcc to SIL and to D- both approved.

I am with D for shopping in a few days and am sure it will come up.
I am not sure that without the overwhelming response here if I would have just said no.
I suspect I would have invited them for a few days to people please. But I didn’t!

I understand that SIL and D want all parents to be friends. She commented that she thinks her
MIL and I have a lot in common. We do have a difficult childhood in common and are estranged from
siblings. The truth is she is not a curious person and ALL conversations are about her or the kids.
To date I have had two phone calls of significant time and three events and she has asked me one question. If we are to become friends it will take getting to know one another in our own time. This is what D needs to understand.

I have no problem at all in including them for Holidays should they be in town.
It is the overnights that I am not interested in establishing.
One silver lining is that H has verbalized that he feels the same about the MIL -he spend a
long day with them alone. H supported me completely. This is a welcome change and made me happy.