Great resolution to the situation.
I’m glad things are coming along.
New relationships, with so many people involved, can be tricky. And soon there will be a baby. Is it the first grandchild on either side? Extra tricky then as everyone involved is becoming a somewhat new person with this baby.
It will be the first for your D and her H. They are likely to be overwhelmed, and may feel buffeted on all sides by well meaning advice and the needs of other family members to be with them and the baby. I had twins and I still felt like there weren’t enough babies to go around sometimes!
When you have that talk with your D and SIL at dinner soon, please encourage them to be gently assertive when it comes to their baby and their family. Even while his family is in the area, they many need a day or night to just be alone. They may want people to come cook and help out, but not monopolize baby time. They may want no guests in the house while the baby is sleeping. If D is breastfeeding, she may want more privacy.
I remember it being very hard to assert myself around my parents and H’s at first after our twins were born. We had always been the children and weren’t used to setting the rules. If your D needs more solitude, sacrifice your peace of mind and take your SIL’s parents out for a really fabulous tour of something that they just can’t miss, lol. It sounds like your D’s new MIL is a bit self centered and she may need extra backup.
thanks greenwich.
This is our second G’son. I adore him at 6. I am not a baby person and MIL is absolutely and this is their first
and a second baby girl to be born in November. SIL has caught on quickly that they will need alone time and
is why his parents will not travel until 2-3 weeks after the birth.
D know that I completely respect alone time and knows I will not overstep. Sometimes she wishes I would
insert myself more but know that she is going to respect me for this.
We have received a reply and it is the same vein as ours. No edge. All good. Saccharine to me but nothing I
cannot handle. I do think they have different expectations/needs about this birth than we have about it.
We are thrilled but we also know that we will have new obligations and expectations as time goes on.
That is fine but it is not like we will be visiting. We know we will fill in and we will have many colds and such
the next few years. Happy to do this but it does make it less romantic. Of course, still thrilled.
DIL’s parents have been G’son’s main people. We were the visitors. So this part will be new for us.
I can understand your D wanting a different mother, one more like her. I wish my own relatives were more like me. Never going to happen. My mother would have loved to be a grandmother, died before any of the six were born. Poor mother-in-law in India never got to play her traditional role- blame her son for moving and marrying an American. Relatives are never who you want them to be- kids included. And spouses aren’t perfect!
Sounds like things are being resolved. Good for you to vent with us. Your D may spend more time with the baby granny now but kid may enjoy your company later. I really like that someone commented about not making things “tit for tat”. Your D and her H will appreciate it so much if you don’t keep score. Makes it easier for them to make the plans that best fit their family.
Relax and enjoy. Email sent. When the time comes you can have them over.
I spent a nice day with D shopping for the baby and some for her after a nice lunch.
I told her that her in-laws replied a very nice email. I asked if MIL typically uses such phrases as
“waiting for the precious baby”. D responded that MIL was just following my lead 
and that, yes, that a response such as that is “normal”.Now I have racked my memory but I do not have a single friend that would be quite that affected. “Aren’t you excited”, “Isn’t this wonderful” and so on but not “precious baby”. Straight out of a Hallmark card. I smiled and nodded :-& , 
.
" I asked if MIL typically uses such phrases as “waiting for the precious baby”"
Why would you ask your daughter this? Don’t you want her to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law? Don’t make trouble where there is none. If that’s all you have to complain about with your SIL’s mother, you’re doing really well. I don’t find the phrase “precious baby” odd for a woman expecting her first grandchild. It’s not my style but it’s not unusual either. Sounds like she’s really looking forward to being a grandmother. Good for the baby, good for her, good for your daughter. The baby will be loved.
D took this in the vein it was intended-- information. This was about understanding
MIL. It was not said as criticism nor was it intended that way. It was a good conversation.
UPDATE–Thank you to all as we did not invite them to stay with us. We spent the afternoon and hosted dinner tonight with them. We will see them a few times more. I am unbelievably glad that they are n to staying here.
Interestingly, SIL and D are not hosting them either and they are in an airbnb. Thanks to all of the support here.
I have decided that they are benign. I don’t like them and I don’t dislike them.
She is devouring the infant and I really am fine with that. My 6 yr old G’son and mom are here to visit from Seattle
and I cannot get enough of him. Just love little kids just not infants. Each to their own.
Guess it’s a class thing but we’ve shared hotel rooms with Mr R’s parents before many times- and I can’t stand them. All the brothers and their wives have. The offer is a free hotel room and hell yes I’ll take it. We’re all young and still paying off student loans- every little bit helps.
My SIL is being induced Monday and I’m staying at their house while she’s in the hospital. Mostly, i’m doing this because both sets of grandparents constantly over step their bounds. I’m there to keep the grandparents away until mom is ready.
I don’t understand why people feel entitled to see the baby as soon as they want but we learned our lesson after the first grandbaby. I’ve somehow become the designated “protect the mom” sister in law.
@oregon101, I believe it’s perfectly fine to have a neutral relationship with your new ILs–you don’t have to be best buddies with them, as long as you get along OK with them so it’s not awkward for you or them, it sounds like a win/win to me!
My folks and my ILs get/got along OK and never were best buddies. I think that’s pretty normal. My sister gets along OK with her kids’ ILs–not best buddies but happy enough to see and converse with them.
I’m fond of kids from infants all the way up until they get really quiet and/or surly. Fortunately, some skip the quiet/surly, and I’m very happy with that. Not everyone dotes on every stage and most folks are more comfortable with some stages of infancy/childhood than others.
@romanigypsyeyes I don’t think in general it is an entitlement attitude. In families where parents and adult children have good relationships, the adult children often want their parents to come and see the baby. Many want and appreciate help bc caring for a newborn can be completely unfamiliar territory as well as exhausting.
I’m typing this while snuggling with my newborn granddaughter and ds and dil are sound asleep. I know they wish I could stay but I am leaving in a few hrs. Dil had a lot of complications and needs a ton of help (and will for at least a couple more weeks). Ds has been taking care of her and the baby, and he is exhausted.
I can’t stay bc I have my own kids to take care of and their older 3 are staying with us as well. But if I could manage to be in 2 places at once, I know they would jump on it. It would let them have some time to sleep soundly and then relax enough to enjoy baby together while someone else kept life going in the background.
@Mom2aphysicsgeek I’m talking about my MIL and FIL demanding to see the baby in the hospital as soon as s/he’s born. This happened with my SIL and my SIL who is giving birth tomorrow has said repeatedly that she wants to be showered and wearing non-hospital clothes before she sees anyone other than her husband.
To demand to be in the room or there immediately, IMO, is an entitlement attitude when it’s at odds with what the parents want.
Obviously, if the mom/parents want the grandparents/other family to be there, then that’s a different situation and not what I’m talking about.
@romanigypsyeyes On another board I frequent , there are serious battles about who is going to be in the delivery room as if it’s a spectator sport. When the day comes I will respect my daughters/inlaws wishes. I can’t blame a girl for wanting her mom there, but not her mother in law but some women really get their feelings hurt. I don’t get it.
Dunno, when my babies were botn, H’s job was to keep staff from touching me. I was fine and honestly felt the contractions as pressure rather than pain as long as folks didn’t touch me. Having extra people around would not have helped us and been more baggage to navigate.
I will do as expectant parents prefer, no pressure from me nor H.
My mother was around for my sil’s births, but she had home births. (Well first one ended up C-section, but the rest went smoothly.) Her job was not to be in the room, but do everything that would make it possible for the fathers to be with the Moms. Laundry, cooking and looking after brothers and sisters after the first birth. She must have done a good job because she was asked back for the subsequent babies! My SIL preferred my Mom to hers.
I am very much a boundary person as I think Oregon is. I live on the East Coast and would not expect or want to stay with my daughters’ in laws. I guess the introvert in me, would want my space. This would be especially true if I didn’t know them. As a pedi nurse I am hoping to help them, if they want me to be present in the early days. Simply to help her recover. I did not have any help and I could have used it. But if I am not wanted, I would respect it.
I don’t think its a coastal thing. Congrats Oregon
“Boundary Person”–love it!
H is not and will go with any plan and any group. However, he sits and takes no leadership and I have never been able to do this. As soon as I am present I am a leader no matter how hard I try not to be. Blessing and Curse.
D had her baby just two weeks ago. I felt left out when she hired a Labor Couch but never said a word.
And never will. In the end I think it was a brilliant idea and I am more than fine. She has asked me to do many things and texted me that she needs me two days this week. (Not as politely as I would have her do it but more like a kid). But she is always grateful. As is SIL.
Taking SIL’s parents to a lecture tomorrow night. We did earn the gold but did it our way.
Also I never shared a hotel room with my in laws until my widowed MIL had dementia and needed to be with us.
My own parents don’t invite themselves to stay with me. They expect a specific “can you come stay for a few days in the fall?” sort of request from me before they plan a visit. Give that, it doesn’t seem odd to me that they don’t want to assume or invite themselves.
These in-laws just settle in and stay and stay if not directed. D has asked me on two occasions to leave so they would leave. Not offensive more like “Mom, help”.
She texted and called today wanting us to visit again. We did not as DIL was visiting her brother out of town and we had G’son and, quite frankly, I did not want to spend the afternoon with them. We will see them both briefly in the afternoon and then take them to a lecture tomorrow evening. They leave Wednesday.
It will be interesting to see if This MIL is living with them for a month later this winter. But not my concern. I am not easily threatened or jealous so that helps. This MIL is devouring this newborn and I have to remember to gush. Again our 6 yr old is fabulous. He became interesting at 3 yrs old. I basically raised my brother and I think sometimes I had had enough babies even before I was an adult.
Staying with in-laws when traveling and still students or starting out I understand. D’S BIL and SIL have great incomes. It evidently doesn’t really work well yet they keep doing it.