I guess I get stuck and wonder why there even needs to be a relationship between the parents in law? Maybe I look too much at my own situation but my parents and my wife’s parents have seen each other 3-4 times over our 30+ year relationship. Once while we were dating (do to family traveling through town), once when we were married, and a grandson’s high school graduation.
Granted this may be situational as they live 500 miles apart and one lives 500 miles from us and the other is 100 miles away so coordinating them coming at different times has been easy. I don’t know that they even know each other’s first names and have never needed to.
Looking forward, unless we are in close proximity, I can’t imagine I will have much or any relationship with my children’s in laws and most certainly will not invite them to stay with us.
My folks never had much to do one way or another with my ILs either and much of the time they lived in the same state. They all came to the same events we invited both to—kids’ bday parties and other events we hosted. We didn’t expect them to become buddies, as they had not much in common. It was fine.
Really? So she loves babies and you don’t. Big deal. I think you need to stop criticizing the way she interacts with the baby. There is no need to “gush,” and frankly I think you would be insulted if people talked about you “gushing” about your (currently) preferred grandchild.
They aren’t staying with you, and apparently they prefer not to. You have been sufficiently civil and welcoming. Why not just let it go.
Yep, @partyof5 , you described my ILs. They came a week after my D was born and I was the hostess. It was horrible. I’d made and frozen some casseroles before the birth, but they wanted to be taken out on the town. Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. No new parents should have to host anybody!
My parents and ILs couldn’t stand one another. My MIL is a rude narcissist who used to mock my dad’s accent to his face, and my parents thought they were better than my ILs. It was ugly, so we never got them together after the wedding.
It’s going to be very interesting when my D has her first child. I am a baby person, a small child person, an older child person. I will be beside myself twice. My husband, who pretends to be macho and cool, will be worse. My future SIL’s parents are older and his mother isn’t in great health. The live across the country. We get along fabulously and really enjoy each other’s company, but his mother has some issues with boundaries. She told my D yesterday that she didn’t like their choice of first dance song for the upcoming wedding and suggested alternatives from the 1970s. I’m still laughing. But his mother is not a baby person at all. She will be loving and generous and kind, but she won’t devour the baby like I will. Hubby and I are already planning to redo my daughter’s former bedroom this spring for the hoped-for grandbabies. I will absolutely not consider being in the delivery room or pushing to see the baby as soon as it is born. My plan as the new grandmother is to cook and deliver much food for the first few weeks and to come over when my daughter needs a shower or the dog needs a stroll. His parents are from out of state and will undoubtedly stay with the new parents for a few weeks. That will not go over well.
Anyone who expects the mom of a newborn to play hostess or any new grandparent who thinks the new baby is in any way about them has issues. I cannot fathom that sort of self-centered, lacking common sense attitude.
Honestly, any person with even the slightest empathy should recognize new parents need to cocoon with their baby and stay in the background bc it is about the new nuclear family bonding and pampering the new mom.
I learned so much from my friends. My best friend had her in-laws come when first child born. They acted elderly and did nothing to help. They did not come for weeks after the second born. Her mom, on the other hand, was so great that their relationship was closest ever.
My male cousin was not alone with his first born for weeks, with both sets of parents living in their large house. He was afraid he wouldn’t bond, but he has done great.
One of my favorite memories is my mom coming into the baby unit. I was resting in my room, after 44 hours of labor, and I could hear my mom saying “ where is my grandson? My daughter?” She was that loud. Unbeknown to me, my son’s dad had been calling my parents on updates, and mom got the first flight out. No wonder she was so excited; she had probably been up for hours and waiting around in an airport.
We had a great first week. We couldn’t get the car seat in right, but mom faked it. We made mistakes with bathing. We laughed so much together.
Everything is going well. D find’s her MIL very helpful and that is wonderful. Still not sure about her living with them for a month later this winter but that is their decision. I think it is fortuitous that she adores babies and I adore slightly older as there is a happy balance.
We have a kids bedroom (cute as can be) and many baby and toddler things. The 6 yr old left today and the "special friend (D’s classmate who became ours in HS) is arriving with her 3 yr old this Sunday. It is always difficult to say goodby to them.
H’s mother and father were super good friends with their first DIL. They expected the same from mine. Disaster ahead! I made it a point not to let my narcissistic mother meet them or even know much about our elopement to New Zealand. (She called and wanted to come and even go on the honeymoon with us. No kidding). My mother made arrangements to meet MIL and her H without telling me. They had lunch together and my mother did not like MIL and made that clear. It took awhile for MIL to understand that this was not a friendship through marriage that was going to happen. My point is that MIL had expectations from her S3’s marriage and tried to carry them over to our marriage. It was hard for her and she would have expected to stay with them and to invite them to visit. I did not let my mother visit when D was born. Luckily we were in a small difficult town to get to and it was a harsh winter. MIL and FIL were living overseas.
Taking the MIL and FIL to a lecture this evening. D’s FIL and I took G’son on the tram today. Hoping we find some common ground and have deeper discussions going forward. Have now been with them a dozen times and all we have is chit chat…not my favorite thing.
@zoosermom - my friend has a word that probably describes you - babyhawk, lol. Basically someone who comes in and swoops down to pick up a baby because they just love them so much and just have to. I’m a babyhawk too, but I wouldn’t want to intrude on anyone else’s territory, and I don’t like drool.
As the parents of the dad, and living far away, we are less called upon to do anything (though I wish we could do more). But DIL is wonderful about including us and trying to balance time for us (inviting us out, coming here, etc). Even when the baby was born and I had a broken ankle, we did everything we could (go back to the house to pick up things they needed, buy some things for the house, etc). We are very fortunate that DS’s in-laws a re fabulous and inclusive too. Hoping if/when younger s has a kiddo we will have similar luck.
I had a friend whose elderly, very demanding FIL who expected to be waited on at all times planned to come to stay with them immediately after she had her second child. And he planned to stay in HER bedroom because it was the one with a bath!!!
She finally got her H to tell him that it wasn’t going to be a good time. Her SIL went ballistic and accused her of being mean to an old man. Oy.