<p>My mother-in-law is already asking me about holiday plans for ds even before he has begun his freshman year of college. My parents are deceased, so we are only dealing with one set of grandparents who live about three hours away. Ds’s college is 1,800 miles from here. Even though ds is off an entire week at Thanksgiving, for various reasons (including the fact that it is less expensive for the return flight on Saturday than Sunday) he will only be home six nights. I have told mil that we will NOT be coming to their home for Thanksgiving and have said they are welcome to come here if they would like but that I wanted ds to have plenty of time to spend with his local high school friends. I do not know if they will accept my offer or not. Ds does return for Christmas only two weeks later (his school is on quarters). Because he is out a week before most of his local friends, I have suggested he just drive down and spend a couple of nights with them early on in the break. She says she wants us to come, too, and wants to try to get dh’s sister’s family to come at the same time to celebrate a “very early Christmas.” This is problematic because we are talking about week days, sister-in-law and 22-year-old niece work, dh works, etc. My ds and the niece are the only two grandchildren. In the interest of full disclosure, I do enjoy mother-in-law, but do not get along with f-i-l at all. Because my parents have been deceased for over 25 years, every. single. holiday. of my married life has been spent with my in-laws, and I would like a break. However, I cannot figure out a way to say this without hurting her feelings and coming across as b_tchy. I don’t see why ds just can’t go down and hang out for a few days alone. My m-i-l seems to be having difficulties with ds leaving for college in general. She seems to be yearning for some sort of Norman Rockwell-esque holiday that, quite frankly, has always been an illusion given the dysfunction in the family caused by f-i-l. Her grandchildren are no longer 4 and 9 years old. They like each other fine, but I wouldn’t say they are particularly close. No contact with each other except at in-laws’ home. The bottom line is that I don’t want to have to be around f-i-l. To me, their expectation of how often we should see them has always been high, and I would say that, on average, we have seen them eight times a year either at our home or theirs. I felt obligated to do this for ds’s sake as they are his only grandparents, and he does have a good relationship with his grandmother. </p>
<p>Sorry - this sort of turned into a rant. I would appreciate any advice on how to handle this. </p>
<p>Starting with my daughter’s freshman year in college we stopped traveling to family for Thanksgiving - given that she would only be home for 5 nights. We did invite family to come to us and they obliged. We also skipped the traditional family Easter celebration (daughter had no time off so we went to her). We were able to celebrate Christmas as usual.</p>
<p>Although it may be hard to do, this is the time to start new traditions for your family that work with adult and college aged grandchildren.</p>
<p>Once he is in school, he will miss being home, esp. since school is 1800 miles away. He will want to just stay home. Also, he will probably be tired from school and spend the beginning of his break sleeping late, and resting/vegging (spelling?). Don’t forget they have projects and homework over Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>After traveling home, he is not going to want to travel another 3 hours for a visit. He will miss home and his friends at home. Can you tell her (maybe in September) that he misses home and really doesn’t want to go traveling over the short break?</p>
<p>We are in the same situation with my in-laws that they want us to travel to see them every holiday (they are over 1000 miles away). When my kids return from school, they are tired, want to rest, have homework and studying for tests and finals that will be after Thanksgiving. More importantly, they want to do fun things with their siblings (who are at other schools and would also be home at that time, too) and see their friends. None of my kids wants to travel from the home base for an extended trip.</p>
<p>I would just say to your MIL, that you would love too but that taking off during the work week is just too difficult for you & H. I understand that she may not be pleased but that is her problem, not yours. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t speak for your SIL and her family - maybe they will want to go. </p>
<p>My MIL also has “Norman Rockwell Syndrome” but we moved away & another son moved away and her grandchildren all went to college and are now all over the country. She still has it in her head that we will all be together at family events - but even at their 65 wedding anni party which we are hosting with H’s two brothers this summer, not all the grandchildren and great grandchildren will be able to make it. </p>
<p>“We just can’t do it this year.” “I just don’t feel up to it this year.” “Husband is working that week.” “Maybe we can come next year.” Keep repeating these. Do not give more detailed explanations (especially if they’re not really true).</p>
<p>Thanks. @busyperson - She definitely understands the Thanksgiving thing, though I still hope they don’t come up here. I felt like offering that was a good compromise to making ds travel down there. He does NOT want to go down there for Thanksgiving. Hadn’t thought about homework over the break. I’ll toss that out and maybe they won’t come! </p>
<p>I have absolutely NO problem establishing new family traditions. It’s mil who seems to be clinging to the past. Quite honestly, I would be happy only seeing them once a year. </p>
<p>IME, ds is now a young adult and can decide how much time he chooses to spend with his grandparents - this is particularly true since he can drive himself. He wants to see them early on in his Christmas break. I don’t. </p>
<p>Why can’t you go to MIL’s home during a weekend at Christmas? Why can’t you go for Christmas? If son can go for 2-3 weekdays, he can go for a day on a weekend. I understand you don’t WANT to, but if that is the reason, that is the reason, not that you can’t, that son needs to save his weekends for his friends.</p>
<p>I think there are times you just have to do it as a family obligation. My mother has 9 grandchildren. Two are in town, two about 3 hours away, two are mine and although we live 2000 miles away they see her often, and two are adults (one just recently married) who she doesn’t see often. And then there is the golden child, who lived with her every weekend while he was growing up (his father lives with her). She never sees him now, he never calls, never thinks about her. It is killing her. She did everything for him when he was little, and now he just keeps to himself. I really think kids do have a responsibility to sacrifice a little of their own time for their grandparents. As you said, she’s having a hard time with your son moving away, and now you are asking her to not see him for 6 months, so of course she’s trying to plan a perfect holiday. </p>
<p>Well my question would be What does your DS want to do? He’s an adult now so does he want to go visit with them over his 2 week break? If he does what does he think about everyone getting together at their place? What about your DH? If your DS wants to go does your DH want to go too? I got along with my FIL fine but not my MIL. Now that hes’ gone it’s even worse. So this summer DH is going for a visit with our youngest son without me! Trust me MIL won’t miss me. Perhaps if DS and DH want to go for a few days you can stay at home and relax…</p>
<p>@twoinanddone - We could go during a weekend. We could go on Christmas. What DS wants is to go on weekdays early during his Christmas break before his friends get home. That is his wish. Mil is fine with that. You are correct - I am the one that doesn’t to go. I do understand the concept of family obligation, but I will add that it can be tough when one has no family of one’s own and all the obliging is done and has been done for 25+ years for in-laws. That is my own issue, I recognize. </p>
<p>@MichiganGeorgia - I would LOVE to send just ds and dh, but I don’t see how I can do that without looking like a b_tch. I do not work. If dh can get off there is no reason that I can’t go other than the fact that I don’t want to. </p>
<p>@Hoggirl, it seems every year they each have big tests on the Tuesday or Wednesday after Thanksgiving. Sometimes also a paper due that week. I think the professors are trying to fit in that one last grade before the final. </p>
<p>Mine all help me with the cooking and baking on the Wednesday before and the day of Thanksgiving, but they all end up doing homework on Black Friday. They have all only had the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, not the whole week. Then Sunday is a travel day. And then the whole Thanksgiving break has evaporated!</p>
<p>For Thanksgiving, the first year, when our oldest was a freshman in college, that was the year I had to just keep politely declining my in-laws’ invitation. It went on for months. They kept insisting, but my DD made it clear that she couldn’t travel because of papers due the first day back after Thanksgiving. It did get easier with my in-laws after the first year (but they still ask us throughout the autumn every year, but they are more understanding now.)</p>
<p>Maybe when your son receives his syllabi for classes, he will have a better idea of what is due that week. Better to know ahead of time anyway, as that is such a crunch week for them academically.</p>
<p>We stopped traveling for thanksgiving when our kids were in high school. Both had EC school commitments over the weekend. We invited family to our home, and they came once. We continued to invite them for about 8 years…and finally just stopped…because they didn’t ever come (the inlaws never came to our house for a holiday, but some of the aunts/uncles and cousins did).</p>
<p>When our DD went to college, she also had a week off…but we did NOT fly her home for,the holiday. DS was in college, and then grad school. He only had the long weekend off. No trips anywhere.</p>
<p>Both kids went to visit their grandparents during the longer winter vacation. </p>
<p>That first Thanksgiving home during freshman year: mine reallly needed some down time in their own room. It was the first time they also had chance to catch up with HS pals --the HS even schedules alumni basketball and soccer games that weekend, which mine would not miss. Oh yeah, and there were also finals looming, so some study time was in the mix. And they almost always left on Saturday, due to availability of airfares.
I agree…time to start some new traditions. I’d have my H explain that to his Mom…</p>
<p>And if MIL is insistent on Xmas get together–be proactive: X, X or X dates will work for us.</p>
<p>What does your husband think? That would seem to be pertinent here. </p>
<p>I think your reasoning makes plenty of sense when it comes to Thanksgiving, but not as it applies to Christmas. First of all, it strikes me that seeing parents/grandparents who live three hours away eight times a year isn’t all that unreasonable, unless you’re always the one doing the travelling. Second, while your S going to college is going to naturally require some renegotiation of parameters, I don’t think Christmas is where you draw the line in the sand. Now that your son is in college, neither you or he are likely to be seeing your in-laws eight times a year simply because he isn’t home as much. But your in-laws are still a part of both of your lives, so you and he are going to be seeing them sometimes. Christmas would seem to be the natural time to do it, barring more specific objections than you’ve raised here. The way those eight visits a year get reduced is by not going to the get-together for a family birthday that doesn’t coincide with a school break, or by nixing the random visit you used to do between Christmas and Easter, not by deciding that Thanksgiving AND Christmas are no longer family holidays.</p>
<p>Even if your son has a relatively short break that only coincides with that of his friends for a couple of weeks, he can take two days out for a family Christmas - and I suspect not all of his hometown friends are going to be available at Christmas anyway. </p>
<p>@apprenticeprof - DS wants to go at Christmas. He has established a time to go during his Christmas break that doesn’t interfere with the time his friends are here. Yes, simply by the fact that he will be across the country for 9 months out of the year, we will not see them nearly as often as we have in the past. <em>I</em> am just selfishly not wanting to go because I really cannot stand to be around fil. </p>
<p>My husband is pretty indifferent. He has no issue going or not going. I am the one who does most of the communicating with his mother. His dad only contacts dh if he needs something. I don’t consider any of them to be close at all. </p>
<p>Hoggirl, in our family dh has often traveled (500+ mi.) to see his parents & siblings without me. We did that a few times when our children were little and more frequently since. Most of the time, he goes alone but sometimes he takes (or pays airfare for) our children. People may object, they may try to guilt trip or nag, but it’s not their decision and they don’t need to be privy to my reasons. Dh would be happy for me to join him, but he understands why I choose not to go. </p>
<p>Because your in-laws aren’t far, perhaps your son and husband could go for a one night stay while you remain at home. If that would cause difficulties for your dh, you could simply become “sick” the day before the trip and remain home to recuperate and so as to not expose anyone else. Your dh would not have to share that fiction with anyone else. Maybe if you present the idea to your husband in terms of you needing a break over the holidays and not making it about his dreadful father then he might be understanding.</p>
<p>@sax - I am not trying to exclude the grandparents. I have invited them to come to our home for Thanksgiving. My ds IS going down there for a couple of days over his Christmas break. For certain. I do understand about modeling behavior for my ds. The frequency with which I see my (hopefully) future grandchildren will undoubtedly be a function of geographic proximity. This year between spring break and graduation (about ten weeks) we saw them six times for various and sundry events. These almost all included overnight visits. And, while I want to do a good job of modeling behavior for ds, I also want to model establishing appropriate boundaries. But because I struggle with that, <em>I</em> don’t have the courage to simply say what @Hunt has suggested. My fil is extremely unpleasant to be around, and is very disrespectful to my mil (no good modeling there!!). <em>I</em> just don’t want to go, but I have no reason not to that will be valid/acceptable to them. I am weak. </p>
<p>We were more like 8 hours from any grandparents . We were the ones that did the travel to them for Christmas. All the grandparents are now gone and I miss them but don’t miss the travel involved . Since you are only 3 hours away, you really are in a position to minimize the time spent with the FIL. You could easily go up one day and come back the next with only one overnight at Christmas. </p>