Questions about Arranging a Funeral

Parent Cafe
1

I’m a grown up, so I guess I’m supposed to know these things, but I don’t. And I am only asking right now so I can be prepared for the future. Nothing has happened or is happening in my life, but I like to be prepared.

We are not affiliated with any church or temple. If I wanted to hold a funeral or memorial service in one, how does it work? Do I call and discuss it with them? How do I pay? Is there typically a fixed fee that the facility would charge? How does one make arrangements with a funeral home? Are things different if an individual dies at home, versus in a hospital?

2

VH - if you are not affiliated with any church or temple, do you want a memorial service there? When my father passed away we had his funeral/memorial service at a funeral home. He was cremated and we put his remains at Columbarium, and we could have had his service there too.

My father passed away at a hospital. They asked us which funeral home we wanted to use. Once we decided which one, they contacted the funeral home to take away the body. You would do that yourself if someone passes away at home. Once the funeral director was contacted, it was in auto pilot, they took care all the arrangements for us. We met to discuss how and when we wanted the service and they transported the body where ever it needed to go.

We had to pick out the outfit for my father, music we wanted to play at the service. We put together a montage for my father to be shown at the funeral home. We didn’t do it at the church because we were not religious.
The funeral director told us how much everything would cost, including the death certificate.

3

Our local funeral home does prearranging of funeral services, it can all be prepaid and then you don’t have to worry about it.

We have thought about doing this, but now we are paying for college, so no extra money.

4

With one exception, every funeral I’ve been to has been held at the funeral home. They have a chapel there and will offer leads for clergy, if you don’t have one you know. Some people don’t use the chapel, but have a gravesite funeral.

I prepaid for my funeral and coffin. It is a local place, with a nice chapel. It also has a room for people to eat after the service. One call to a local deli, telling them how many people you expect, and the time of the service, will help them determine amount of food. Most recently, we ordered sandwiches in 3 varieties.

If one is starting from scratch, I would call a funeral director. In our local paper, there is page by the obits where local people advertise. This man will come to your house, let you know about the local places, their costs, what they offer. He can sell you a coffin at a lesser price than the funeral home (or an urn). (At least, true for us.)

Once I made my arrangements, I let my lawyer know. My doctor and closest friends know too, as they used the same funeral home.

When my g/f died this year, her husband wouldn’t make any plans. My g/f took him to the same funeral home we are both using, chose the same coffin she had picked. Two of us went to the deli and brought back the menu we thought most appropriate. I wrote the obit. We chose her dress, and other g/f shopped for a shawl to cover the thin arms.

I forgot, it’s important to get notice to newspaper about time and place of funeral. The funeral home or funeral director can help with that. They also asked which 2 newspapers should be told of news, so death notice posted for legal reasons.

Hope this helps

5

When my dad, and step mom died, both services were held at the funeral home. ypu can easily contact the funeral home and prearrange, and prepay for all of it.

The only services in houses of worship that I’ve been to have been memorial services (not funeral), or mass of Christian burial for Catholics.

All other funerals…at the funeral place.

If you have a rabbi, priest, or minister you want to preside over the funeral, you will need to contact them as well…and make arrangements. We were bit members of any house of worship…but out funeral home had names of clergymen we could contact.

If you have all the arrangements made…really, it’s a lot easier when the time comes. In our cases…one call to the funeral home, then one conversation with the funeral director, and the clergyman of our choice to coordinate times.

The funeral home actually sent the notices to the newspapers, as well as posting them online.

6

When my parents died, neither was affiliated with a house of worship; but that is where they wanted their memorial services. In each case, I contacted the minister of the local church and they were very kind and helpful. The funeral home in town also was great to work with and took care of all the other details. These places have all taken care of hundreds of grieving families and they know what to ask and what to do. You really appreciate professionals at times like this. As for payment, funeral homes send bills and are usually up front with the costs. Ministers will tell you the charge for the service (use of the church). I remember it was not a large amount and I remember giving some money to the church ladies who provided cookies and coffee afterwards. I was very grateful to all of them.

7

You might also consider whether you want a get-together after the funeral/service. In my family, and at other services I’ve been to, there has been a get-together afterwards, with food and drink, where family and friends can comfort the bereaved and talk.

8

When my brother died about 10 years ago, my dad wanted to pay for his funeral even though the estate would have covered it. However… when we got to the cemetary after the funeral (in a limo following the hearse), the cemetary people gave my dad a bill for over $10K that they wanted covered right then. And… they don’t take Anerican Express, which was the only card my dad had! Fortunately I had my Visa with a pretty high credit limit, so I took care of it and we settled later. I think there is a lesson here in asking for amounts, timing of payments, and acceptable forms of payments. (Anyone remember those Visa commercials about places that don’t take Am Ex? “Visa - It’s everywhere you want to be.” Doubt they would want to use our example, though!)

9

They presented the grieving family with a large bill right at the burial site?! That’s really tacky.

10

I used to work in the office of a funeral home (20+ years ago). The funeral home had a couple of options. First, the funeral home had a form you could complete and the funeral home kept it on file - you complete info for the death certificate and the obituary and provide the names of hymns or songs you want played, names of clergy or church etc. No money involved, you were simply providing info that must be collected. The second option involved pre-payment plus the written information.

11

@VeryHappy, yes, it felt unseemly to be having an urgent conversation about credit cards in the back seat of the limo at that moment. But I guess no less surreal than the whole week has been.

12

There are certain cash items that the funeral home must pay for immediately, and the funeral home requires payment of those cash items up front. The cost of the casket and service and prep are not cash items. But the cost of the pastor, the grave opening, the casket spray (if you have the funeral home place that order) the grave liner (if the cemetery requires it) are all cash items.

13

We paid for everything up front for my parents, but luckily my husband life insurance does cover funeral cost. Not much but it’s almost free to us.

14

My husband’s stepmother was a funeral director, and her son and grandsons still run a funeral home.

The people at the funeral home will talk you through the process of arranging a funeral. They’re experts, and they’re accustomed to dealing with people who are under stress. (Pretty much by definition, anyone who is arranging a funeral is under stress.) They’re also accustomed to doing complex event planning in a hurry.

I’ve made funeral arrangements for two people. Both were elderly people who lived alone and died suddenly in their homes. In such cases, it’s appropriate for the person who discovers the body to contact the police.

Having to deal with the police is unusual, though. If a person is ill and expected to die at home, your first call after the death should be to the hospice or doctor, not the police. If the person dies in a hospital or nursing home, someone will contact you if you’re the next of kin and you’re not already there.

After that, the next call is to the funeral home. You’re going to need one even if you’re not planning to have a service in their facilities. In fact, you need one even if there will be no funeral. I worked with a funeral home to arrange for a direct cremation, with no service, followed by scattering of ashes at sea. This is what the person who had died wanted, and the funeral director knew exactly how to make it happen. Funeral directors work with a wide variety of other companies and organizations in their communities – everyone from clergy to florists to specialized cleaning services who can deal with situations in which a body was not discovered for days. (Yes, that’s an icky thought, but it happens.)

If a death is expected, you can contact the funeral home in advance to discuss preliminary plans. But even if no plans have been made, you can contact any funeral home in the community at any time. Many funeral homes have someone on call 24/7 who will make arrangements for removal of the body (which may need to be done within a few hours if the death occurred at home) and who will explain the options, what they cost, and how to pay.

In my experience, working with the professionals whom you deal with after a death is not a problem. They know their jobs, and most do those jobs well. It’s your family that will drive you nuts. In many cases, the decision-making involves multiple people, all of whom are stressed-out and therefore at their worst. If you’re all still speaking to each other by time the funeral is over, it’s something of a miracle.

15

You don’t have to wait until death is expected to make arrangements…and pay…for your funeral.

16

The family - oh my - the stories I could tell from the funeral home. Our funeral director once even hired an armed plainclothed police officer once because the family members of the deceased were threatening one another like Hatfields and McCoys.

17

Yes, but if you do this, it’s really important to make sure that everyone in your immediate family knows about it and has the proper information about whom to contact.

I wonder how often a family arranges and pays for a funeral and finds out later that the person who died had made advance arrangements with a different funeral home.

18

Cremation is far less expensive. We paid the funeral home $3500 for that service, including a beautiful marble urn. We didn’t have the memorial service there though, so i don’t know how much that would have added to the tab.

Something to be aware of: if the deceased or spouse is a military veteran, they can be laid to rest – free of charge – at a National VA Cemetery. My dad is at one, and my mom will be too when the time comes. The military interment service is beautiful beyond words.

19

We prepaid for a relative. Within hours of his death, we received a call from the grave stone company where we also repurchased a stone years before.

But yes…best of those who might be planning the funeral know the arrangements…and with whom. And have a copy of all the paperwork.

20

It’s cheaper to pay ahead instead waiting for the last minute.