What happens if you prepay and then move to another part of the country? Does anyone know?
And now there’s a movement for “green burials,” which is well-worth researching.
The military national cemeteries also accept those who were in the reserves. You will need to access military discharge papers, so have those on hand.
My husband and I plan on pre-paying for direct cremation, to lighten the load on our only child.
@Marian A lot of funeral homes and cemeteries are now part of a few big businesses. So, it’s pretty easy to change intended location. But, still check this out for accuracy.
If you’re assisting an elderly person with making funeral arrangements ahead of time, be aware that in some states, a certain amount can be spent on a burial plan and not be considered a divestment for Medicaid purposes.
This is nice of you, and it doesn’t preclude having a memorial service of some sort, if your child or friends are so inclined.
Or they could have a party. I knew a guy who was well-known for having large parties on his boat. After he died and was cremated, his friends had a large party on somebody’s boat in his honor and dropped his ashes overboard during the party. Nothing could have been more appropriate.
Even if the person isn’t buried in a VA cemetery, there are ways to honor their military service. My father is buried in a civilian cemetery, but he has a military gravestone. As a veteran, he was entitled to that, and we chose it because we knew he was proud of his service and would have wanted it to be recognized. We were not aware of this option beforehand, but the funeral director told us about it, and we were very glad he did. Funeral directors really are gold mines of useful information.
Lots of info here about burial and cemetery benefits available for veterans: http://www.cem.va.gov/
We bought an insurance policy for my FIL, so he could be returned to HI from wherever he was living when he died. I believe the cost of the policy was about a few hundred $$ and we purchased from local funeral home. He died in SF but under the policy, they paid all costs and made all arrangements to get his body back to HI for a full body burial. His cemetery plot is in Honolulu. He (and his surviving kids) wanted a traditional Chinese service, so we asked around and found the two priests in our state who perform those ceremonies and chose one. We made arrangements with local restaurant near funeral home to serve lunch to all who attended.
We paid all the bills that were associated with his death and burial out of his estate. None were presented at the graveside.
With my SisIL, she also wanted to be buried in Honolulu, tho she lived and died in SF. We contacted the local cemetery where we planned to have her services and they helped us make arrangements with a funeral home in SF to ship her body back to HI for services. They embalmed her and kept her until the service for many months (had to wait until break from school for the nieces and nephews to be able to attend). Again, we paid for everything out of the estate. We again had everyone join us for a meal after the services at the same nearby restaurant.
You can pre-purchase your funeral plan, casket and other details, but as was said be sure you let your loved ones know so they don’t duplicate your efforts and buy everything all over again at different company. For awhile, there was a big problem in our state (and I’m not sure whether it was and is a problem nationally) with folks buying cemetery plots and services and then the company “losing” the record and charging the grieving family despite the pre-payments and/or these companies being underfunded and going bankrupt, leaving the people with nothing for all the money they pre-paid. We have elected NOT to pre-pay for services but H insisted on buying 4 cemetery plots (for us and our two kids) at the same cemetery where his parents and sister are buried (there is limited land there and they had just opened up one of the last new sections for purchases). The plots can be re-sold like any other property and have deeds.
@HImom, you say your family paid funeral costs out of the estate. How did you get your hands on the money quickly enough to do that?
In our family, someone has always paid funeral costs out of pocket and waited to be reimbursed by the estate. But it sounds like you’ve figured out a better way to do it.
The spouse of the veteran can also be buried at the VA cemetery, but they put them one on top of the other (cue bad joke here, but this is the truth!), with the names of the deceased on either side of the same headstone.
And if you really want to be prepared, buy your urn or casket at Costco! http://www.costco.com/funeral.html
True, jym. Or in the case of cremated remains, the niche is deep enough to hold two urns, so spouses will be together. Of course, only one side of the stone is visible, so there’s space left on the face to carve the second name/dates.
We had a joint checking account with the deceased, so we used that account. Paying and getting reimbursed works too. We notified the bank of the death once we were ready for the inevitable freeze and had 20 copies of the death certificate and other docs to share and show who had authority for finances.
@HImom, that sounds like good planning with the finances.
And I know from experience that having 20 copies of the death certificate is good planning, too.
You can have a service right at the funeral home. They have chapels for that.
My mom doesn’t want even that. She just wants a “graveside service” so I trust that this is normal as well, she seems confident in saying it.
Unless it violates some rule of your faith, you can have a service in a house of worship or the funeral home’s chapel, or just a graveside service. You can also have no service at all. A body has to be disposed of in a legally acceptable manner, but there is no requirement for a service.
Yes, just having a graveside service with immediate family only is also an option and then there is no fee for the memorial chapel, officiant, music, refreshments, etc.
To me, services are for the living, with respect and fond remembrances of the dead. When H dies, he’s requested a traditional Chinese service. He’s gotten me and the kids to agree and we will honor it. When I die, I’m fine with whatever my survivors prefer. I told H that he has to survive me if he wants me to have a traditional Chinese service. I’d be fine with a simple graveside or just a celebration of life at a restaurant and cremation, or whatever gives comfort to my survivors, seriously. I have lived a full life and am glad of it. I hope to have a few decades more, but who knows?
Like weddings, funerals can GREATLY range in price from low 4 figures to many times that. It’s important not to be railroaded or guilted into something that will be a huge financial burden for the survivors. If you have a good funeral director who is able to spell out the options and give the family some time (days, if desired) to decide, it can reduce the pressure and allow more rational choices.
Remember, the dearly departed is beyond caring. It’s really all about the survivors.
We had a graveside service. We had to pay the rabbi for his time officiating.
Even if you have the service at a funeral home, you don’t have to pay for refreshments or music. You don’t have to have refreshments or music. In fact, I’ve never had refreshments served to me in a funeral home following a service.
What is a traditional Chinese service like? I’d be interested in hearing about it.
For my dad, we had a very informal graveside gathering approximately four months after his death, once the headstone had been placed. (He was cremated; I confess that I don’t remember whether or when the cremains were buried.) In attendance were my mom, her and my father’s best friends (a married couple), me and my siblings, and the grandchildren. That was the extent of a service, and it was exactly what my father wanted.
A traditional Chinese service uses a monk or priest and the ones I’ve been to have all been open casket. The immediate family places “heavenly paper money” on the deceased, the officiant chants prayers in Mandarin or Cantonese and lights incense and candles and burns paper copies of the things the deceased will have in the afterlife–money, clothing, jewelry, car, house, whatever. There are generally refreshments in the patio of the chapel, as the service is several hours long. The officiant conducts further prayers at the graveside and throws in some rice and soil on the lowered coffin. Those are the main points I recall.
All services I have attended in HI and one in SF, invite all the attendees to stay for a meal–lunch or dinner, usually buffet-style or family style at the patio of the memorial chapel or at a nearby restaurant. The meal is paid for by the family of the deceased. If the service is several hours, there are often beverages and some lighter snacks in the patio of the chapel for the attendees. Hawaii services tend to be more “celebrations of life,” with fond recollections of the deceased. There tends to be fairly large numbers of folks attending these events–friends and family of the survivors, coworkers of the deceased or survivor, etc.
Of course, any time one has an officiant, at a service (whether chapel and/or graveside) there should be compensation/donation for services rendered. Music, flowers, etc is all up to the family of the deceased.
For some folks who were born in HI but lived and died elsewhere, sometimes there is a service where they lived and died and another in HI.