Thanks for the explanation, Himom. I’ve also never been to a funeral that was several hours long!
The funeral homes here in New England near where I live are not equipped for a food reception.
Pretty much all the services we have attended (regardless of the nationality of the deceased) serve food and beverages–coffee, tea, iced water and sometimes fruit punch. The food generally also includes a meal after the services. Most of the “chapels” around here where services are held are able to accommodate food and have a covered lanai or similiar with tables and chairs. They also often have arrangements with caterers, so food can be ordered through the chapel or the caterer the family prefers. Meals after the services can be simple to extremely elaborate–for one, the family rented a large exhibition hall and had live music that the deceased would have loved. He was very beloved and had tons of people showing up at his servcice.
Other services have had performances by family members or loved ones of the deceased–during the service or sometimes afterwards. Sometimes there is someone playing the organ or other music at the chapel; I believe they are hired but don’t have details as we never had any music at any of the services I arranged. Yes, like many in HI, I have literally been to dozens of services.
Growing up in the land of the transitory, Arizona, I had never been to a funeral. My grandparents died many states or across oceans from where I have lived. Now I am part of a rather amazing community in the more rooted midwest, and at age 45 or so, I experienced the summer of 5 funerals. Plus quite a few since, and now I’ve planned a few. Seeing how they vary has been interesting.
I was power of attorney for a friend who passed away after a long spell of ill health. As part of her medicaid spend down, we were allow to put money into a funeral trust for her eventual burial. Her family purchased a headstone, the grave site, and there was money in the trust for a meal, and funeral expenses. The amount of of money allotted was impressive, over 5 figures. Unfortunately as I had a job commitment in another state at the time of the funeral, I never did see how they spent that money. We later had a memorial service for friends in our area.
There are some varying opinions on funeral trusts, but regardless of medicaid spend downs, paying for funeral expenses up front fixes the cost at a point in time. I have checked this out with funeral homes where my mom lives, and attempted to get things pre paid, but have faced family opposition. The funeral homes stated they had a network and should my mom pass away out of state, she could be cremated at partner facilities, and the remains shipped home.
She has picked out her hymns, and the music she’d like played, as well as the church. In my survey of various funerals, the ones I have appreciated the most are the memorial services where anyone who likes can get up and tell a story about the deceased, which often create a greater understanding of the scope of their life and relationships. However I’ve heard that due to potential length, some in the clergy or funeral business are less than thrilled with these sorts of services.
Most services I’ve been to have been in funeral homes, but some have been in churches and community center common rooms. For my friend, we were at a park shelter overlooking a lake with yellow leaves falling around us, and it was rather perfect.
Most companies that need a death certificate will take a fax, so you don’t need to give them an original. I am not saying you don’t need multiple copies, but 20 seems excessive.
I have been to services where various people talked briefly of their recollection of the recently departed. As few chose to speak and the remarks were succinct, they were well received by all. I think one can talk to the officiant when you interview them to see how comfortable they are with the open mike concept and choose an officiant that is ok with it.
You may want to just ask select people from different aspect’s of the person’s life to talk–one coworker, one family member, one person that knew him in hobby pursuits or community activities, and maybe a sports buddy, etc., and ask if they might like to talk for up to 5 minutes. This could be a compromise between open mike and just one or two speakers.
Anyway, as you say, there is a lot of variability among services. I’d be curious about what the family did with the large funeral trust as well, if you ever find out. It looks like the trust can have up to 125% of the average cost of a funeral in the county where the person resides. With the price of the cemetery plot, funeral director, casket, and everything else, I can see how that can easily be over $10,000. Cemetery plots alone in HI are quite costly.
Most institutions we dealt with required an original, so we did order around 20 copies. It was $5 a copy.
Someone upthread said they had only been to funerals in funeral homes, not in churches/synagogues. I think the majority of funerals I’ve been to have been in churches/synagogues. And the ones I’ve been to in funeral homes have had a religious official running the show.
For my parents, neither of them wanted nor did we have a funeral or memorial service. I refer to it as the “VeryHappy Last Name Minimalist School of Death.” My father donated his body to a medical school, which promised to cremate his body when they were done with it.
The reason started this thread is because DH refuses – absolutely refuses – to discuss what he’d like to happen.
If DH refuses to discuss, then it will be your choice to do what is best for you if/when the time comes (ie if you outlive him). IMO if its currently a non issue, then why go there now and cause agitas?
My mom used to joke that we should cremate her, put her in an urn on the mantle, take up smoking and add to her memory 
Gosh I miss my mom.
My ex inlaws were like your parents, VH, no services. I think back in the day there were a certain sort of people who rejected convention and traditional ceremonies. Having grown up with that lack of interest in tradition, I understand it. In the years since, as a culture, and in my particular rebel filled faith of origin, the UU church, there has been a resurgence of recognition in the emotional meaning that ceremony gives to life. My mom would probably have been a no ceremony sort of person back in the day. Now she has returned to more of an orthodox faith tradition, and appreciates the ritual. My Unitarian soul shudders, but I will honor what she wants. Though she found a place to take her body for study, and thus, no burial expenses.
How does your H react when you say what you want?
Love the story about your mom, jym!
I’m the one who said I’ve been mostly to funeral services at funeral homes…not houses of worship. The exception being Catholic Mass of Christian Burials.
But really, I think you can arrange whatever you want. If you are not a member of a religious congregation, it might be easier to arrange something at the funeral home. Most funeral homes around here have lists of clergymen with whom they work.
If is any consolation, my husband is immortal too. I was thinking I would invite him with me when I rearrange my own funeral…perhaps you should try that?
Then family members will decide after his death. Nothing wrong with that. Funerals are for the living anyway.
Unless you and your husband handle a lot of your financial matters separately (in which case you need to know how to get access to his accounts, passwords, etc.), maybe death isn’t something you need to talk about much, especially if it makes him uncomfortable.
^^^absolutely agree that funerals are for the living but it is so considerate when the deceased has made his or her wishes known. That way the survivors are not grappling with so many decisions at an emotional time. I’ve been part if funeral planning in both instances and it’s excruciating to have to wonder where to start in planning: big service? Burial? Cremation? Lunch? Close family only? Etc etc
Well, yes. No matter what you choose, people are going to criticize it afterward. It would be easier to be able to say that you were following the deceased person’s wishes.
My mother is the person I’ve mentioned in this thread who had her ashes scattered at sea. There has been criticism about this (“What do you mean there’s no gravesite? That’s bizarre!”) But this was her choice, stated in writing before her death. And being able to tell people that stops the arguments.
I don’t care what happens to me after I’m dead. So yeah, I’m like OP’s husband. Don’t make me discuss it. I rather go on living unless I’m sick or serious ill. Even by then I don’t care.
I’d choose lunch over either of the other two options any day of the week. 
When I tell DH what I want, he’s fine with that, accepts it, and will probably honor my wishes.
When we made up our wills many years ago, our attorney also suggested we sign a health care wishes kind of document – basically, don’t do anything drastic to keep me alive. I signed it willingly, even eagerly. DH wouldn’t sign. Doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t want to think about it. I guess I should be glad he at least made a will.
So yeah, if anything happens to him and I’m still around, I basically get to do pretty much anything I want. I hope my kids agree with whatever it is I do. That might be a good reason for DH to express his wishes – I don’t want my kids to argue with me over what to do. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll use that argument on him.
Although I can’t imagine my kids disagreeing with me on this.
Here is a thought…if you are a planner, and husband is not…could you go and prepay and plan? Of course you would need to let other next of kin know…but then the planning would be done.
Believe me, I’ve thought of that!
Trust me, my husband also doesn’t care what happens to him after he’s gone. It’s not a subject anybody’s looking forward to. But I’ll do him the same as his parents. Cremation and spread the ash on English lawn. Just simple and beautiful. After funeral was at a pub. Very British.
My parents designated each other as their agent for making health-care decisions. They picked me as the alternate. I was very sad when they told me that they had picked me as the alternate because they had decided that I was the child who would not have an issue with “pulling the plug” if that became an option. Very not true. I was and am willing to abide by their wishes but the act of ending a life is excruciating for me. (No one had to pull the plug for my dad; my mom is still alive; but I did it for a dog, and figure that doing it for a person would be many times worse.)
This is enlightening. I was planning to pick one of my kids over the other as my alternate proxy because she is more hard-headed than her brother. But I did not consider that she might be sad about it. Thank you for your perspective. I need to do some more thinking.
We are the health care proxy for two different people. They asked us first…didn’t just decide to list us. In both cases, we said yes. One relative, one friend.