@MaineLonghorn, you’re an example to us all on loving the kid on the couch. Do I wish my son had a degree? Yeah. But I love the kid I have, and try not to get sidetracked by imaginary kids that are different from him.
@woogzmama, the topic is:
“Reaction when your children don’t accomplish the same educational achievements that you did?”
The topic is not, “People with Wharton degrees and in large law firms define success”, and the topic is not whether or not specific schools are considered “accomplished”, as @jim626 seems, to me, to be saying.
@HappyAlumnus The topic is whatever the participants on the thread want it to be – unless we stray so extremely far in an unexpected direction that the mods shut down the thread.
You can’t control your threads once you start them, any more than you can control your kids once they’re on their own.
You are clearly misreading my posts, or purposely twisting my words. I did NOT say what you are trying to claim I said, HappyAlumnus… Not in the least. Please stop. And re-read.
You are saying that these people with successful careers who came from elite schools might be disappointed in their kids if they didn’t have the same, what did you call it, " educational achievements", and “disappointed that they didn’t do as well as you did”. So these hypothetical friends with successful jobs from elite schools are being presented why again??
If you want to debate “that other issue” (despite your claims to the contrary) maybe you can continue to bait pizzagirl again, call her out and spell her name right.
Sorry to butt in, but what exactly does “kid on the couch” mean? I’ve heard it used in this thread and other threads on CC recently. Does it mean anything besides “bright but ummotivated kid”?
EDIT: my parents attending lowish HBCUs but my dad made money selling a tech business. We’ve lived below our means in a middle class life so we own everything outright. Academically, I’m more accomplished than my parents, but I feel as though I won’t be as successful as them in life. There’s something that I can’t put my finger on that I’m lacking.
As long as our kids are doing the best that they can do with the gifts they were given, we are proud of their achievements.
Here’s the origin of that term (well at least here on cc), TheAtlantic. Its a great thread. http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/772137-trying-to-love-the-kid-on-the-couch-high-school-sophomore.html
BTW, another poster from long ago got reamed out for describing her then HS senior son as “lazy” (iirc). Well that “lazy” kid is now in a grad program at Stanford.
Oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention elite schools. My bad.
To me the phrase “kid on the couch” means the kid you actually have, the one who sits on your couch, eats at your table, or sleeps under your roof, not the idealized kid in your head. It doesn’t have to do with being a couch potato, but rather the real kid you have instead of the one you wish you had.
I attended a friend’s son’s funeral the other day. I attended my cousin’s son’s funeral last year. A boy in my son’s dorm was found dead of an overdose on Mother’s Day. Any time I feel “disappointed,” I kick myself and remember what those parents would do to be “disappointed” in their kids one more time. Anyone who complains about their children failing to meet academic and professional expectations obviously has never experienced anything other than First-World Problems, and should merely be grateful for that. My husband and I are deadbeat slackers with very elite educational credentials. We ask nothing from our children beyond that they do everything they can to outlive us.
Great definition, Sue22.
Money??
Sorry (that was tongue in cheek, by the way ) but it seems thats an underlying issue the OP is alluding to.
Ouch, @ClaremontMom.
This reminds me of my own experience. I was a huge disappointment to my mother because I didn’t do what I could have done with the gifts I had.
I chose to downsize my career and work only part-time while raising my children. Because of this, I have achieved much less professionally than I could have.
I’m pleased with the choice I made. I would make the same choice again.
But it hurt a lot to know that my mother was ashamed of me. It still stings a bit even though she died 16 years ago.
OP, I see you have been around CC for a while – 460+ posts as of now.
I think it’s interesting that your screen name is @HappyAlumnus – not HappyParent, HappyVolunteer, HappyHobbyist, HappyEngineer/Lawyer/Architect, HappyParishioner, HappyFamily, etc. This is not to criticize you in any way; I am very proud of being an alumna of my own college and law school and my affiliation with both universities has brought me much pleasure over the past 25+ years. It’s part of my identity and clearly your degrees and alumnus status are important to you or you would have selected a different screen name.
That being said, I have been very, very careful not to send the message to my kids (both still in HS) that only top tier colleges and/or grad schools will do for them. Some friends from undergrad have not delivered the same message, and they may have a problem on their hands if any of their kids do not get admitted to our college, which has an admit rate of less than 7%, or something exactly comparable in the USNWR rankings.
Just my $.02.
I did not graduate from high school although my husband did, barely.
We are pretty happy with our life solidly in blue collar America.
Our children of course decided to be different and they both not only had strong performance in high school, but they went on to excel in college. To make their point even more, the oldest went on to graduate school, as did her husband! The youngest so far is busy being a renaissance woman, and has several pots in the fire.
We have accepted that they have a different perspective than we do, but have accepted they have their own life, and make their own choices.
@jym626 haha no. They both faced economic hardships growing up. I mean more of a personality trait. I’m a motivated person, and they are motivated as well, but I do tend to doubt myself a lot.
And thanks for the thread link!
I hope this is on topic.
I have a PhD, and I could not have worked independently in my field without it. My son is thinking of dropping out of his PhD program. He is just so unhappy, and he doesn’t need the degree. It’s not about me, it’s about his finding a balanced path through life.
This. woogzmama nailed it.
Happiness is important, bookworm. We deserve quality of life. Hugs tto your son.
The Atlantic. I tend to be risk- aversive. My s’s and DH are more willing to take risks, both personally and professionally. So far, except for the few layoffs and the broken bones, it has had more benefits than disadvantages. Do you think , with your parents background, that they were more willing to take risks than you are? Mine might be a male/female difference. Not sure. But they sure do take more risks than I do. But for the mostpart its paid off.
@Marian - Sorry you took that the wrong way (maybe because it was personal for you). I meant it as a positive — to accept the kids as they are and for what they can and cannot do. If your kid isn’t ivy league material, then accept them for that. But for me at least, I would not be happy if they have the gifts and skills to do well in a class, for example, and never put in an effort and never did the homework. (FYI, this is all hypothetical anyway, as my kids are very self-motivated kids)
I made the same choice and don’t consider that a negative at all. And I think I did the best I could for my children. My husband choose a less paying but more satisfying career as well. So some might say he also “achieved less”. But I couldn’t be more proud of my husband. So, if my kids made that same choice as either of us did, that would be fine with me too. As long as they are doing their best at what they chose and are happy.
And you should be happy with your choice, an perhaps your mother is looking down on you— proud of you for being you and for raising your kids.
When my DD was in elementary school we took her to Children’s Hospital Boston for testing which revealed a math LD and ADD. I remember commenting to my husband as we sat in the waiting room watching parents with their severely disabled children, “There’s nothing like a visit to the neurology department at Children’s to make you feel like you’re very fortunate to have a slightly squirrelly kid who stinks at math.”