read my essay. gimme your thoughts

<p>Describe a setback that you have faced. How
Did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect
you? If something similar happened in
the future, how would you react?</p>

<pre><code>In the fall of 2005, I enrolled in a private Catholic school. I was shy, and I knew only a handful of students. By midyear I had found a casual group of people, but I never found a true friend. Shortly into my second semester, my family suffered a major tragedy. My sister had been in an abusive relationship, and at the age of 24 it came to a crashing halt when she suffered a gunshot wound to the head. Miraculously, she survived, however over the following months I had devoted myself to ensuring her recovery. Over those few months, I drifted away from the social activities at my school, and by the beginning of my sophomore year I had become somewhat of a “social outcast.” If keeping a steady grade point average was not tough enough, I was unable to become socially involved with anyone in my community. The people at my school had seemingly “forgot” about my family circumstance, but it never left my mind. Over the next year and a half, my social status went from bad to worse. I tried to hang out with peers I thought could be my friends, but I just became a follower. People started to tease me, and by mid-junior year I just could not take it anymore. I had to do something about it.
I decided that it was time for a fresh start. I transferred to another school, Bishop Brady, in hopes of finding a set of friends to whom I could relate. It was the best decision that I have ever made. Sure, the first couple weeks were tough; it was hard to be accepted into a community in such a short period of time. I joined the baseball team and a variety of clubs, and by the time I knew it, I had established solid group of friends with whom I hung out both in and outside of school. As a junior in high school, I had not had such a luxury since middle school. My new school allowed me to break out of my shell. I used to be shy and antisocial. Now, I am friends with nearly everyone in my school. I have the confidence to begin a conversation with a complete stranger. For the first time since my sister’s accident, I am happy. Not only did the school community accept me, but the students did as well. At the end of the year, only being at this
</code></pre>

<p>place for a few short months, I was recognized with the Fredrick Douglas and Susan B. Anthony Award from the University of Rochester. This award is given to students who demonstrate a harmonious mixture of academic success, leadership, and dedication to social justice in their community. I was stunned. I felt truly blessed to learn that my school chose me to honor me with such an award in such a short time of knowing me. And to top it off, I was nominated to run in my school’s homecoming king pageant. I did not win (second place is just as good, right?), but the fact that my students chose me over so many potential nominees made me feel like I had accomplished so much more than I had originally hoped before my transferring to Bishop Brady High School.
Now, what happened to me in my early years cannot happen again. I know that my school is not going to ostracize me because I know the community completely accepts me. However, I am going to have another new beginning in which I will need to relate to another group of new peers. When I go to college, I want to do just as I did as I did when I went to Bishop Brady: to meet new people and to give back to them. Without a question, I know the University of Michigan will provide me these opportunities, and I plan to take full advantage of them.</p>

<p>ANY HELP IS MUCH APPRECIATED</p>

<p>Wow, your story is very inspirational; I like it- I think it shows how you overcame the setback. Some tips:
Try starting the essay with an interseting attention grabber (like a quote or something very discriptive).
If you don’t do something descriptive in the beginning, at least put it in there somewhere so the reader gets a visual. (For example, you could describe a scene in the cafeteria whe you didn’t have any friends to emphasize to the admissions officer how hard it was for you)
Break it up into paragraphs for example: intro, middle(setback) 2nd middle(resolving) and end (future, michigan) so its easier to follow.
Its good that you mention Michigan at the end, but maybe put more emphasis on how you really want to go there, and throw in something about the acdemics too (not just friends like you said).
finally, it is a little long, so try to cut out anything unnessicary
Overall, if you work on it a bit more, I think it will be a strong essay. Good luck! =)</p>

<p>Not too bad.</p>

<p>Paragraphs! I’m not sure what the word requirements are for this one - I’m guessing 500. It is fine to be over the limit, but I think you are quite a bit over and would recommend to cut down. Concise, concise, concise.</p>

<p>And I’d say it’s probably not the best idea to post your essay like this when your application is still open.</p>

<p>good point. can you cancell a thread? otherwise its not the biggest deal</p>

<p>should i mention u of m and how i really want to go there in all my 3 essays? or would it be too noisy if i do it?</p>

<p>I would really emphasize it in the big essay and casually mention it in the others.</p>

<p>i have some questions about my essays structures.
for the second essay-What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest? i wrote 2 paragraphs to describe two reasons why i chose my major. should i stick with one reason? and should i mention how good u of m is for my major on my essay? thank you</p>

<p>It sounds like a very truthful and heartfelt essay, but I think it’s a tad bit on the boring side and a bit too general. If I was an admissions officer, I might question if you feel the same way in college as your first school, would you pack your bags and leave? </p>

<p>Also, while I don’t endorse essays intentionally filled with SAT vocabulary, you could work on making it a little more sophisticated. The basics are good, but you need to work on some delivery details. </p>

<p>for example:</p>

<p>“Now, what happened to me in my early years cannot happen again. I know that my school is not going to ostracize me because I know the community completely accepts me.” </p>

<p>-I read that and I wasn’t sure what that means. </p>

<p>I’m also not sure if being nominated for Homecoming King will really demonstrate how much of a leader you are, besides being more popular, which is a fine quality, but I don’t know how the admissions officer will interpret that. </p>

<p>You listed a bunch of activities, and your general social trend, but it’d be really nice if you can go into how you formed those friendships and how you impacted your baseball team or clubs, and what that meant to you, instead of just listing the clubs/awards you got. (which i presume are listed elsewhere on your application)</p>

<p>Remember they are looking for signs of leadership.</p>

<p>should i mention anything about current events? such as the economic crisis?</p>

<p>Sure… If it has any bearing on your essay topic.</p>

<p>for the first two questions(250 words each), do i need to write an opening and a conclusion for each one? or can i just go straight to answer the questions?</p>