Really want to help Mom out but am in over my head

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hello there, </p>

<p>I’m a recent lurker and a first time advice-seeker on this forum, and I really appreciate your time for reading this.</p>

<p>As my title indicates, I’m in a situation where I really want (and probably should) help out my mother (financially), but I’m finding it very physically and mentally draining and I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. She’s an un-contracted preschool teacher cut to 29 hours/week this upcoming school year at a low (under $15/hr) rate and with no health benefits (despite her Master’s degree). My mother is a widow, so it’s just her income to pay all the bills during the school year. I have a great seasonal job that allows me to work as much as I want when I have breaks from school, and I’ve currently been fluctuating between 60 and 70 hours/week the past few weeks. </p>

<p>Basically, I work my butt off day after day to help out my mom. She’s off for a few more weeks yet, so I’m the main provider right now. Once school starts, though, I’ll be a couple hours away at my university and she’ll be making 10 hours/week less than what she usually does, and I have no idea how things are going to work out… </p>

<p>How can I help her?? I really don’t know if I can continue at the pace I’m at. I’m so tired every day since my job is physically demanding (especially for a girl), and I know I’m starting to really burn out. I’m afraid I’m going to go back to college all burnt out and unmotivated, but I’m also afraid I might come home one weekend to a foreclosed house… I want to help her and feel that I need to, but I can’t always be with her to help send the bills in on time. I have to leave her to continue my education, but I need to know that she’ll be okay. </p>

<p>Additional information about my mom and I: we live in a small town, and we’re Catholic and very devout. We attend mass regularly and go to other various volunteering and worshiping events. It’s what has helped us through my father’s death and what keeps us strong as a family, and it’s what instills in me this fierce will to help provide for my mother and to always protect her (though I’m also female and not very “intimidating” :slight_smile: ) </p>

<p>I’d really appreciate any advice anyone could provide, and I’m sorry for the lengthy post. I’m doing my best right now, but I can’t chug 60 hours of work forever or while also taking 16 credits 2 hours away. I understand and accept this, but I’d still like to help. </p>

<p>Thank you so much.</p>

2

<p>Well, first of all, you seem like a great daughter! I’m sure your mom is very blessed and grateful to have you c: But can she not get another job on the side? My mom’s a teacher too and a few years back we hit a really bad spot financially which led her to get a second job at a gym. It’s minimum wage, but it adds up. Or if it’s just you 2, think about downsizing to a smaller and more affordable house/apt.</p>

3

<p>I am sure your mom doesn’t want you to stop your education to help her out. If you are very active in your church I would contact your pastor and share your concerns. Perhaps there are some resources available - at least if you knew someone close to home was aware of the situation and could help out your mom as much as possible.</p>

4

<p>Be successful in school, graduate, and get a better job so that you can better support yourself and her?</p>

5

<p>Perhaps she could rent out a room for extra income? If she’s ok with the idea, the safest bet would be to look for leads through your church friends.</p>

6

<p>Oh, like Momtotwins said, definitely talk to your deacon/priest. I also attend(ed) a catholic church and they were helpful to those struggling. They helped out several families with their mortgages as well as provide food through a food pantry or the leftovers from the homeless shelter!</p>

7

<p>Is there any reason your Mother can’t take on a second job? She is a preschool teacher, well how about babysitting nights and weekends?</p>

8

<p>I have a good friend who is around 67 years old. She is a preschool teacher and has taken a second job in a store two nights a week. So it’s entirely do-able.</p>

<p>The idea of taking in a “border” is a very good one. Having someone pay rent for a spare bedroom is a simple way to earn extra (under-the-table) money. Obviously one must be careful who one takes in, but with a good reference, it can work out really well. </p>

<p>Does your mother understand that this should be her problem, not yours?</p>

<p>Is your mother physically well? Could she take on an additional job?</p>

9

<p>Thanks for all the replies! These are some good ideas, and I will be sure to share them with her (and ask my priest about any help my church can provide for when I’m away). </p>

<p>My mom is planning on doing some extra tutoring after school hours, but her health is pretty precarious to take on another part time job that’s completely separate from the school. She has really bad arthritis and her back in particular is very arthritic, and it also spreads down to her legs. Thankfully she can still work and function, but if she were on her feet 8-12 hours a day (like me), she’d be in an immense amount of pain. </p>

<p>I know this is primarily her concern, but sometimes I feel that I’m more of the adult than her… For one thing, she doesn’t understand the word “budget,” and for another, I think she’s in denial that we don’t have as much money as we used to when my dad was alive. She always brings up the past and acts like everything is okay, but I’M the one who always points out that it’s not. </p>

<p>Is it okay to be taking so much responsibility for this situation? Or should I maybe stop handing her money and let her figure it out herself? (gosh, this makes me feel like such a parent!)</p>

10

<p>Is your mother eligible for a survivor social security benefit?</p>

11

<p>Unfortunately, she’s not. My father didn’t, er, put enough into his social security. We come from a family of farmers, and he didn’t believe in social security (or life insurance).</p>

12

<p>I agree with those who suggest you go see your priest. He may know of local organizations (eg, Meals on Wheels) that can help her out. He will also help you.</p>

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<p>One of the most important things you mention is that she has no health insurance - so she is a moment away from financial ruin. She needs to get a job with health insurance. Scrap pre-school and work at Starbucks (one of the best health insurance providers for minimum wage workers out there), or ANYTHING with health insurance. And pray for Obamacare.</p>

<p>You should be covered by your college health insurance. CHECK</p>

<p>I would carefully consider grades, job prospects and plan to graduate, since it is unlikely you will get any help from home. First off, you need to plan for yourself and not run yourself into the ground.</p>

<p>With no life insurance and no savings, it is likely your mother will have to change her current standard of living. You can support her emotionally during that transition, but this was not a problem you created and I would not feel obligated to rescue her from her own bad choices and lack of an ability to “budget”</p>

<p>Are there any other family she can turn to?</p>

14

<p>All I can add is that I agree with what others have mentioned, and say that I sympathize with your situation. I have a handful of good friends who are in similar situations as you (and have been since they were in high school), and it’s a really unfortunate place to be for a young adult.</p>

<p>I think it’s admirable that you’re trying to do all that you can, but I would really encourage you to make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well. Work what you can in college, and if your mother is struggling, you can of course help her if you are able to and wish to. Ultimately, though, you’re not in a position yet where you can support her significantly. Try to make sure she is in a good place when you leave (you’re priest knows about the situation, she’s knows what resources she has available, you’ve sat her down and worked out a budget, etc), and beyond that, be secure that you’re doing everything that you can.</p>

15

<p>Take care of yourself first. That is the only way you have the possibility of having anything left over to help her with. Remember the pre-flight presentation on every aircraft: the oxygen mask goes on you first before you help other passengers. Hard to put into practice I know when people around you need help so desperately, but truly, it is the only way to go.</p>

16

<p>I wonder if she’d be better off working for a local elementary school district as a classroom aide with benefits.</p>

17

<p>I don’t think you know enough information. We don’t know ~ how long ago did your Father die? Is there an estate ($) that has yet to be settled? Maybe there is money coming to her in the near future. Does she gets social security or public assistance? IF you are going to worry about her, you deserve to know all about her finances, her complete financial picture. She needs to give to you, in writing 2 things: her figures for income vs expenses, and assets vs debt. An idea comes to mind, maybe she could she be a live-in nanny to a wealthier family. That would require moving to a different area. She could work with a placement agency. I’m sure she would prefer not to leave but people do what they have to do. If affording her house is a problem, that might solve that problem too. Does she tythe to the church? Can she afford to give whatever amount it is she gives?</p>

18

<p>Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate everyone’s time, and this means a lot to me (and my mother).</p>

<p>To answer some questions: my father died 3 years ago, but he didn’t have an estate or anything. He died of cancer, and we were put into some heavy debt trying to keep him alive. I know that my mom had some credit card debt, but I think she used the money we received from friends and family to get that down, and I think an aunt of hers paid the rest. </p>

<p>My grandmother has been helping us ever since my father became sick and couldn’t work anymore, but she had a conversation with me explaining how she’s been dipping into funds reserved for other things to help us out. She stressed how she can’t do it forever, and I took that as meaning I have to help more. My grandmother has already cut back, so I’ve been stepping up. </p>

<p>My mother is very stubborn and will only work in the education field. She worked hard to get her Master’s in education, and she says that she needs to fulfill her call of teaching. She works with older kids (4 and 5 year olds) and actually teaches them a kindergarten curriculum. She’s very happy and satisfied with her career, but unfortunately, it doesn’t pay much. </p>

<p>As for me, I don’t really know what I want to do in life. I’m against just doing something to get a pay check, but the only thing I really enjoy doing is writing, which I know I can’t do well while getting paid well. I currently tutor writing at my university along with babysitting and doing other odd jobs, but I understand that it’s not enough to help support a household. </p>

<p>I’ve managed to finish my freshman year with a 3.95 GPA and have a full ride, so my education expenses are pretty much taken care of. My mom knows this, and sometimes I feel that she expects more money from me because of it… </p>

<p>Anyway, sorry to ramble, but these are just some more details to help clarify my situation. Thanks again for taking the time to help me.</p>

19

<p>Can you continue to help out, but with some limits? Something like this:

  • Go home one weekend a month and help sort the bills and make sure they are getting paid (at least within the amount of money that is available).
  • In addition to your parish priest, check out local food shelves. You may be able to pick up food that you can leave with her while you are home for that weekend.
  • If you have a full ride and can work SOME hours at school (say 12 hours/week), can you provide any additional money to your mom? Even $25/week might help her get through. </p>

<p>But ultimately you do not own her choices, and you can’t entirely rescue her from bad decisions. You need to separate yourself somewhat from this while you finish school. And… it is possible that you WILL come home to a house in foreclosure in the next few years. You should not give up your education to try to stop that – better to complete your education and get on your own feet financially, then consider how you can help your mom.</p>

<p>I guess you could also try having one more conversation with your mom. Tell her that your grandma has been dipping into her own savings to help out, but can’t do that any more. And that you aren’t going to be able to (1) work as many hours during the school year to help her financially, and (2) keep track of her bills and expenses. So it is time for her to step up and take care of these things herself. Including considering getting a better paying job with benefits or a second job. She can brush you off, or get angry, or ignore you. But you will know that you at least tried. Do not let her guilt you into trying to work too many hours during school, though, and jeopardizing your own education and future.</p>

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<p>And this is a reality check for you… if you don’t want to end up like your mom, you need to figure out a career direction and work toward it. If you are stubborn like she is and insist on only working at things you like that don’t pay well, you run that risk. I am sympathetic to your desire to write, but you need a “day job” in case that doesn’t even pan out.</p>

20

<p>Also, in addition to all of the great advice given here, be sure you seek out counseling at your U. It will be free and help you sort out your obligations and your feelings.
If you happen to land with a therapist you do not click with then ask for another. A good therapist will help you brainstorm and plan and help you learn to calm your own anxieties down.
Will be thinking of you…</p>