Red Flag, Yellow Flag, and Deal-Breakers for Relationships.....

Parent Cafe
1

<p>What faults or issues would you hope that your single children or single friends would be concerned about when dating and/or choosing a mate?</p>

<p>What issues/faults do you think are…</p>

<p>**Yellow flags<a href=“things%20to%20keep%20an%20eye%20on”>/B</a>…for example: chronic lateness or some other very annoying habit(s)</p>

<p>**Red flags<a href=“more%20serious%20warnings”>/B</a>…for example: bad temper, person has employment instability, or large consumer debt</p>

<p>**Deal-breakers<a href=“issues%20that%20should%20end%20a%20relationship%20-%20besides%20the%20obvious%20of%20physical%20abuse,%20infidelity,%20and%20addictions”>/B</a></p>

2

<p>Well, my daughter is allowed to marry whoever she wants (after she is 30 of course), but if I were single again…</p>

<p>Deal breakers include Mormon (or several other specific religions) religious affilation
Too-left leaning politically (incompatible political views)
Inability to manage money
Inability to hold down a job
Doesn’t want children ever (and unlikely to change mind as she matures)
Conviction of fraud or emblezzement
Excessive debt</p>

<p>Yellow or red flags might be
Mental illness (depending on which one and severity)
Unwillingness to live in the parts of the country that I’m interested in living</p>

3

<p>Doesn’t get along with their or our family</p>

<p>Willfully makes poor judgments to prove a point</p>

4

<p>Yellow Flags…</p>

<p>Meddling/critical parents.</p>

<p>Messy/disorganized</p>

<p>Red Flags…</p>

<p>Meddling/critical parents and the adult child won’t stand up to them.</p>

<p>Poor grooming habits</p>

<p>(BTW…this thread really isn’t so much about anyone’s particular child, it’s really just about concerns that any single person might consider.)</p>

5

<p>deal breaker: Unethical and dishonest.</p>

<p>red flag: Whiney, self indullgent, egotistical, selfserving, narcissistic personalities that thrive on drama.</p>

6

<p>Orange flag for me–a person who won’t try new things, to experiment and grow. What’s the point of marrying a person who won’t grow with you?</p>

<p>Red flag–a man who insists that he’ll never marry a woman who he believes is smarter than he is.</p>

7

<p>*Orange flag for me–a person who won’t try new things, to experiment and grow. What’s the point of marrying a person who won’t grow with you?</p>

<p>*</p>

<p>Good point.</p>

<p>Red Flag: Person won’t socialize with friends, family, etc.</p>

<p>Red Flag: Person has strong views about the roles of each sex…such as: men don’t do housework.</p>

8

<p>Aggressive driving.</p>

<p>Most people can hide much of their personality when not under stress but it seems that driving is one thing that can really bring out the aggressive beast in a person. It also reveals their level of consideration for others and to what degree they follow the rules.</p>

<p>If someone weaves in and out of traffic, tailgates, uses their phone while driving, doesn’t clear the snow and ice from their car, then they are being inconsiderate towards the safety of others; both in their own car and in other vehicles.</p>

9

<p>this may upset some people but…</p>

<p>Years ago, one of my then-single friends told me that she would never marry her then-boyfriend because his family had a lot of genetic health issues…including some serious mental health issues. I’ll never forget that she said, “I’m not diving into that gene pool.” At the time, I was a bit shocked by her statement. She did marry someone else. However, that boyfriend did marry and have kids and, yes, those genetic issues have shown up with his kids. So, maybe she was right to be concerned.</p>

<p>BCEagle…I agree that aggressive driving reveals a lot about someone. Actually, any really stressful situation can reveal a lot about someone.</p>

10

<p>Red Flag: children from a previous relationship
previous addictions</p>

<p>mom2collegekids: I’ve seen how difficult serious mental health are for a family; I see no problem with avoiding those.</p>

11

<p>“Red flag–a man who insists that he’ll never marry a woman who he believes is smarter than he is.” </p>

<p>My 23 year old son called the other day and said “K (young woman he is seeing) said I’m smart but she’s smarter. I think that’s probably a good thing.” LOL Then he said “She’s smart like you mom.”</p>

12

<p>^^^ gotta love that!! Good he is smart enough to know she is right :)</p>

13

<p>Well, 3katz, he should marry her immediately! Smart like Mom is the ultimate compliment coming from a 23 yo.</p>

<p>Red Flag: drinking issues, drug issues, lying.</p>

<p>This one will sound strange, but deal breaker: sneaky. Can’t stand sneaky people.</p>

14

<p>

</p>

<p>Ooops, That’s me!</p>

<p>Orange flag - Overly organized.</p>

15

<p>Viewed in hindsight, unfortunately, I agree w/ above posters on – won’t socialize with family <em>or</em> friends, doesn’t get along w/his family, mental illness in family, which, either genetic or environmental, passed on to next generation, anger management. Ug. How come we can’t be smart when we are young?</p>

<p>As for my kids, I hope they steer clear of these issues, and it looks as if both have (they are in serious relationships). I would be careful of religious differences, wide political differences, debt, and values/habits regarding money. The religion one doesn’t seem to be such a problem when dating, and then tends to rear once kids come along. I’ve also seen a lot of money problems, and it usually has to do when the spending/saving patterns are vastly different.</p>

16

<p>I think relationships are a HUGE issue–if they don’t get along with relatives (especially parents & sibs) and colleagues, that raises flashing yellow lights for me. </p>

<p>Current or former addictions are also yellow to read flags.</p>

<p>Fiscal irresponsibility and high debt would be a deal breaker because it is so alien to me and all I’ve grown up with and raised our kids with.</p>

17

<p>Marriage is the biggest decision in our kids’ lives, yet it’s the one decision which we as parents have the least influence over.</p>

18

<p>Red flags: Above-average jealousy issues. On the other hand, someone who engages in inappropriate behaviors that increase jealousy issues is also a problem (such as: going out for drinks with members of the opposite sex…one on one. ) </p>

<p>*Red Flag: children from a previous relationship
*</p>

<p>I agree. It can be a blessing, but this can also be a major source of conflict. there’s a reason why marriages involving blended families have a very high divorce rate.</p>

<p>Red flags…someone who is VERY, ridiculously cheap. </p>

<p>Yellow flags…very different spending/saving habits. this can be ok if the non-saver respects and supports what the saver is doing. It can be a disaster if the non-saver undermines what the saver is doing. </p>

<p>*Orange flag - Overly organized. *</p>

<p>Yes, I’ve seen instances where OCD like behavior (excessive organization/rules) can be very difficult to live with. </p>

<p>* would be careful of religious differences, wide political differences, debt, and values/habits regarding money. The religion one doesn’t seem to be such a problem when dating, and then tends to rear once kids come along.*</p>

<p>I agree…religious differences become an issue when kids are born. </p>

<p>And wide political differences can be a nightmare. I’ve seen two instances of this in our social circle. In both cases, politics cannot be discussed AT ALL without it snowballing into a major issue between the spouses. </p>

<p>*Marriage is the biggest decision in our kids’ lives, yet it’s the one decision which we as parents have the least influence over.
*</p>

<p>We may have the least influence in “real time”…but that doesn’t mean that we can’t do a little “positive brain-washing” many years before. ;)</p>

19

<p>My D once had a BF who at about age 26 still lived with his mom, didn’t speak to his dad, had very little college, had no car or driver’s license (due to multiple DUIs). We were horrified that she did not see the red flags flying with that one! Fortunately that didn’t last.</p>

20

<p>My D once had a BF who at about age 26 still lived with his mom, didn’t speak to his dad, had very little college, had no car or driver’s license <a href=“due%20to%20multiple%20DUIs”>B</a>. We were horrified that she did not see the red flags flying with that one!* Fortunately that didn’t last. *</p>

<p>It is so hard to get people to see the dangers of “red flags” when they are in the midst of a romantic relationship. I think that’s why these kinds of things need to be talked about before the dating years.</p>

<p>I can remember my parents telling me to never date divorced men…long before I was old enough to date. It was nicely, but firmly, planted in my head. Their reasoning made sense…baggage and everything that happens with that. I never accepted a date from a divorced man…not ever. My parents also talked about the need to date educated and hard-working men who came from stable families. All of these little “tips” were planted in my head long before I (or my siblings) started dating. I think when you grow up with these little “good brainwashes” it does make an impression.</p>