<p>“that boyfriend did marry and have kids and, yes, those genetic issues have shown up with his kids.”</p>
<p>Why not discuss the risks and plan to use donor sperm when they decided to have kids? When it’s the man and not the woman with the risk of a hereditary problem, there’s such an easy and inexpensive solution.</p>
<p>Maybe they did have that conversation and the young man rejected the idea. But I certainly would not get rid of a male partner because of a hereditary problem in his family that bypassed him. A cryobank fee is a small price to pay to keep a good man!</p>
<p>yes, M2CK, I’ve frequently told my daughters never to date men/boys who do not like their mothers. Oldest has had two serious relationships and has gotten along famously with both mothers, to the point where the mother of her first bf is still in touch and sends birthday cards.</p>
<p>Based on the experience of some family members and friends, I have told my kids:</p>
<p>– It is not such a good idea to marry someone you met in rehab.</p>
<p>– Think hard before marrying someone whose parent and siblings have Huntington’s Disease. This is a tough one – it’s hard to ask for genetic testing before you are deeply involved, and hard to walk away if the test news is bad.</p>
<p>– You should try to assure yourself that your partner’s sexual orientation is really, truly compatible with yours, that neither he or she, nor you, is gay or straight, as the case may be, and hiding it from you, him or her, and/or him-, her- or yourself. I really, truly thought we were past this problem, but apparently not.</p>
<p>You should try to assure yourself that your partner’s sexual orientation is really, truly compatible with yours, that neither he or she, nor you, is gay or straight, as the case may be, and hiding it from you, him or her, and/or him-, her- or yourself.</p>
<p>This can be a tough one to discern. I’ve known women whose spouses have “come out” and these ladies had no idea that their H’s were gay. These women had regular hetero sex with these men, had children with these men, and these guys didn’t behave in any way that would suggest that they weren’t straight. I think, in truth, these men were somewhat"bi" but later decided to be exclusively with men. </p>
<p>*A cryobank fee is a small price to pay to keep a good man! *</p>
<p>I agree. I don’t know if they discussed this or even if it was possible back in the early 80s. There are some men who would not be comfortable with this option, just like there are some that aren’t comfortable with adoption. </p>
<p>*It is not such a good idea to marry someone you met in rehab.
*</p>
<p>LOL…didn’t Elizabeth Taylor do this??? </p>
<p>*I’ve frequently told my daughters never to date men/boys who do not like their mothers. *</p>
<p>Yes…a big red flag. And, even if the man likes his mom, if he doesn’t think she’s very smart that can be a yellow flag. </p>
<p>I would add…if the partner’s parents do not treat each other with respect, then that is a big red flag.</p>
<p>anyone who routinely insists on getting their way</p>
<p>people who are not able to communicate their feelings but rather rely on logical arguments to communicate</p>
<p>using emotional manipulation to get their way (inappropriate anger, crying, withdrawing, etc)</p>
<p>getting drunk on a routine basis (more than once or twice a year is excessive to me). Not opposed to moderate drinking.</p>
<p>frequent and/or dramatic mood swings</p>
<p>Inability to apologize</p>
<p>* Yellow Flags *</p>
<p>credit card debt and/or excessive student loans (okay if they are working hard to pay them off in a reasonable length of time)</p>
<p>Inability to get along with one’s family of origin (sometimes this is justified, sometimes it is not)</p>
<p>Anything done obsessively or to an excess, including ‘good things’ like exercise or working long hours. Living with someone who is obsessive and/or compulsive can be very difficult</p>
<p>A person who is either overly aggressive or passive. Not having a ‘voice’ is a bad thing as is being obnoxious about one’s opinion.</p>
<p>A person who shows signs of low-self esteem. This can be tricky to spot because people try to compensate for it in different ways - bragging a lot, having to be the center of attention, being socially withdrawn, insistence of always being right, excess emphasis on looks, not caring about how one looks, the need to be the ‘best’ …the possibilities are endless. It’s often hard to spot until you have been with someone a long time.</p>
<p>One of the best books I’ve ever read on the subject is “Are You the One for Me?” by Barbara De Angelis</p>
<p>this is a biggie. I don’t know why some people have a problem with being able to apologize. Is it because they view apologizing as a weakness, or is it because when they have apologized in the past (maybe as children) the receiver didn’t “shut up” about the offense so they figured…why bother?</p>
<p>*people who are not able to communicate their feelings but rather rely on logical arguments to communicate
*</p>
<p>I’m not sure what this means. But, I would think it’s a big red flag when someone cannot “argue” logically…but instead resorts to emotion rather than logic. “I’m going to buy a fancy luxury car no matter how much it costs.” </p>
<p>Red Flag…immature behavior and/or impulsive behavior. Either trait can cause life long troubles. </p>
<p>Red Flag…someone who acts goofy much of the time. Relationships have to deal with serious matters from time to time, and it’s impossible to have serious discussions with someone who is silly and behaves in a Jim Carrey-like persona much of the time.</p>
<p>Red flag :
also have to agree with previous posters to be very careful of men who have children from previous marriages , unless there is a mutually respectful relationship between the exes and agreement on how to raise the kids</p>
<p>Yellow Flag :
Men whose mother’s did everything for them…including picking the wet towels up off of the floor. If I had sons , I would have taught them the same things I taught my daughters , regarding domestic chores</p>
<p>Yellow Flag :
Men whose mother’s did everything for them…including picking the wet towels up off of the floor.</p>
<p>^^^
Agree…this really may be a red flag because such men can be very hard to live with if they expect their wives to be their personal maids/cooks/caretakers.</p>
<p>The other thread about “dumb things our smart kids have done” reminds me of another “red flag”…</p>
<p>If a person is seriously lacking in “walking around smarts” that should be a red flag…or at least a yellow flag.</p>
<p>Totally agree with this but the same goes for women who have children from a previous marriage/relationship and women who were treated like princesses and expected to be waited on hand and foot. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sorry, I wasn’t very clear on this. Think Mr. Spock. Actually, you want someone who can do both equally well. Some people tend to rely solely on either emotions* or * logic to communicate. It’s darn frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who is very one-sided. Good communication requires both skills, depending upon the situation.</p>
<p>I had a little trouble parsing this while speed-reading so I think that I missed the meaning. I think that I get what you are saying with a slower read.</p>
<p>One thing I think kids need to realize is that you can’t change someone’s character. You can’t make someone more compassionate, more respectful, more humble, or more thoughtful. And if any of these qualities is missing, it’s a deal breaker. A spotty employment history, different political views, and even ideas about wanting kids or not are not permanent personality features, and can be outgrown or changed and often do change throughout one’s life, so I don’t see those things necessarily as problems that can’t be surmounted. </p>
<p>My Dd has no trouble spotting the flags of every color. She does have trouble exiting from the relationship after she knows it’s not going to work. </p>
<p>Son has managed to find a gem in high school, and stuck with her through college and the present. I think he just got lucky.</p>
<p>I belong to a religion that unfortunately doesn’t have much room under the tent for gay men. I’ve had many a talk with my girls to be on the lookout for gay guys who are in the closet who might marry to keep up appearances (or who have been “advised” to marry a nice girl and “forget this gay nonsense”). </p>
<p>It never ends well.</p>
<p>A red flag contributed by a friend: Online porn and alcohol addiction. Yup…describes her ex-boyfriend to a T.</p>
<p>Opposite of not being able to apologize–apologizing multiple times every day because he thinks acting like a horse’s rear end is ok as long as he says he is sorry.</p>
<p>* My Dd has no trouble spotting the flags of every color. She does have trouble exiting from the relationship after she knows it’s not going to work.
*</p>
<p>Is that because she feels that she’s invested too much time in the relationship and wants it to work? Usually when someone can spot the warning flags early on (within the first few dates) it’s easy to exit. </p>
<p>I have the feeling that many posters are projecting on their spouses or ex-spouses.</p>
<p>That may be. Maybe not former or current spouses, but maybe other past relationships. And, I think some/many are simply listing what they’ve noticed in their social and family circles. Many of us have witnessed terrible situations which could have been avoided if warning flags had been recognized.</p>
<p>*Opposite of not being able to apologize–apologizing multiple times every day because he thinks acting like a horse’s rear end is ok as long as he says he is sorry. *</p>
<p>I don’t think this probably would show up during the dating period. (that’s just my guess.) However, perhaps there would have been other warning signs.</p>