After DD broke up with her long term-ish boyfriend towards the beginning of the semester, her roommate introduced her to someone on campus. DD is a junior, this guy is a senior. She fell hard and fast for him and has gushed over him and has implied recently that it’s getting serious.
Thing that made me uncomfortable: She had no pictures to show us when she came home for Thanksgiving. He has NO social media presence and she didn’t even have a selfie of the two of them together. (Unusual for DD not to have something, but not a red flag on its own.)
Thing that made me very uncomfortable: When asked what BF’s family was doing during holidays, she didn’t mention his father. DH asked and answer was, “One day his dad did something really horrible and now he’s spending life in prison.” (Which might explain the lack of photos/social media presence.)
But two minutes with Google and I learned that that this was a depraved, very pre-meditated act by a convicted felon to attempt to cover up another criminal act. It was not that long ago, either. By most accounts he is a psychopath; by some accounts he is a sociopath. One tabloid made links to suspicions regarding his involvement in 3 other incidents (and loosely implied the wife/mother covered one thing up). Another person wrote an op-ed accusing him of an additional crime when he was a juvenile.
The thing that has made me lose sleep: BF was raised in a rural area and homeschooled (ie isolated) and interviews with people who knew the family have left me to seriously question what BF was exposed to with regards to his relationship with his father and the relationship between his father and mother. So today I asked DD if BF’s past made her uncomfortable, and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said “it’s not my story to tell.” So I asked her if she knew the full story and she responded, “Yes. One day his father did a horrible thing and now he’s in jail.” Same story she told before, and yet not the complete truth. I can’t tell whether she’s trying to make it not sound so bad, or whether she is being manipulated to believe this.
I am not sharing the details here for confidentiality reasons. I have shared links to articles with a close friend who responded “You need to get her to break up with him right away!” Her DH agreed. My DH is burying his head in the sand and refuses to listen to details and says he just has to trust DD on this one. (He knows I am worried enough to actually have trouble sleeping over it but changes subject/walks away when I try to talk about it.) I know I can’t forbid her from seeing him, but I can’t get this out of my head. There seems to be nothing else I can do than to just keep the communication channels open and monitor as best I can from afar. Or does anyone else have any other ideas?
I see a lot of negatives about the boyfriend’s father, but nothing about the actual BF. I would expect that all close family of any notorious criminal would erase and avoid all social media presence. They would inevitably be exposed to massive amounts of online vitriol and threats.
Proceed with caution but all I read in the OP is guilt by association.
What’s that quote about keeping enemies close? Not that the new BF is an enemy, but I agree with the above suggestion to meet the BF. First of all, so you can get a feel for him yourself , and second, because this may cause your daughter to see him through your eyes. (That’s what happened with me when I brought my college boyfriend home – I realized he was not behaving in a way my parents would expect. Side note, my parents never criticized him, which would have made me defend him – this was extremely wise!).
I know someone who is simply not interested in any contact with her mother, and if she does social media her mother will likely figure it out, so she chooses not to. I don’t do anything except CC and regular old e-mail… and I am definitely NOT a “bad person.” I totally understand your worry, but I am hopeful that the BF is an honest, reasonable guy.
Has your D read what you’ve read? She tells you that she knows what the guy did, but has she read it for herself?
You won’t get very far being antagonistic toward a guy your daughter is mad about, so you need to introduce the topic very slowly. By all means, invite him for a visit. If their college is a plane ride away, invite them both for their next break. If it’s closer, invite them for a long weekend. (If she is home for the holidays, and he isn’t too far away, host a NYE party at your house!)
My main goal as the anxious mother of a daughter with a possibly shady boyfriend would be to meet him for myself.
Now you have me curious to do my own research. What a saga! ?
At your daughters age, she should be more forthcoming about someone she is supposedly getting serious with. But I can’t envision a way for you to get more information out of her. Depending on her relationship with your husband, she may be more responsive to inquiries from him.
I’m just glad that my husband did not judge me by the actions of my parents. There are no perfect people and people can not help what their parents do. He may very well be the one in his family to break the generational curse. As a parent my son tells me that I am a 10 out of 10. I did everything in my power to be different than my parents. With that being said, He’s a senior in college which counts for something. I’m sure it’s not easy to have his parents reputation follow him and to be judged by it. Keep your eyes open for warning signs pertaining to your daughter but also look for the good in this kid. He deserves a chance.
Many of us have parents, in-laws or family members we wouldn’t want to be judged by but the OP is taking about a psychopath or a sociopath. That is very unusual and more than an embarrassment or someone who made a few bad choices. Many scientist believe there is a genetic background for that type of behavior and if this young man doesn’t have it, it doesn’t mean his child won’t.
I don’t have a social media presence and I’m a good guy. Some couples don’t need to take selfies all the time.
I am not sure what red flags you are referring to. His father was a convicted felon. Does that mean every child who parent is a convicted felon is a bad person?
My daughter’s new BF has a father with a VERY shady past. I would never judge the young man based on his father’s actions. He was the first person in his family to go to college. He graduated last year and treats D very well.
I can tell you for sure that if you push this subject AT ALL with your D, you will drive her away.
“By most accounts he is a psychopath; by some accounts he is a sociopath. One tabloid made links to suspicions regarding his involvement in 3 other incidents (and loosely implied the wife/mother covered one thing up). Another person wrote an op-ed accusing him of an additional crime when he was a juvenile”.
Most Accounts…Some accounts…tabloid…suspicions…loosely implied etc. I don’t see any facts here except for probably the fact that the father is incarcerated for the crime he committed. There are no documented mental health diagnosis and we already have genetic predisposition of his children in question. Gives me reason to give this kid the benefit of the doubt while still keeping my eyes and ears open. Call me crazy but I like to start everyone with a clean slate and they earn their reputation from there.
I would think that his no social media presence is because of his father. If he did, can you imagine the hate he would get? It is I am sure it’s very intentional.
My D is very reluctant to share pictures of her boyfriends with us. She has had boyfriends that she wasn’t friends with on Facebook. The fact that he doesn’t have those things is not unusual.
D had a boyfriend who’s family were local business owners and he worked in the family business. All of his social media was very locked down and there were not many pictures of them. And if they were they were not tagged or in any way identified. I also saw the vile comments that were made in the newspaper when one of his family members passed away.
My older son does not post or have accounts. His wife does though.
I’m sure it’s concerning that his father is in jail, it’s hard but the son is not the father.
My S once was engaged to a girl he met in a distant town where he moved for a job when he was about 20. She was younger and seemed like a sweet girl. Mind you, I could be described as a prude or goody two-shoes, and am definitely naive. This girl worked at the bail bond business that her dad owned. Her mother was not around. Imagine my shock when the girl sat in my kitchen and said, “My uncle was found murdered in a field. They think a stripper did it.” I hope I was successful in hiding my shock.
I know it was not her fault that she was more “worldly” than my S and me, and it was wrong of me to judge her by her family, but I was so relieved when they broke up.
mark- Yes, I would definitely be concerned if a parent was a pedophile because there would be a good chance that the child had been abused and that can lead to a chain of abuse.
I completely understand the OP’s concerns. Yes, it is possible that the young man is perfectly wonderful and has none of the traits of his father (or mother), but it is a huge red flag. Genetics do matter and who knows what the moral teachings in the home were. My daughter married (now divorced) a guy whose parents looked like saints compared to what the OP is reporting, but there were some red flags, and it turned out the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.