<p>I could have written this article. As soon as I saw it posted on Facebook, two other people said pretty much what I was thinking - is this specifically about me?</p>
<p>[Regrets</a> of a stay-at-home mom - Salon.com](<a href=“http://www.salon.com/2011/01/06/wish_i_hadnt_opted_out/]Regrets”>http://www.salon.com/2011/01/06/wish_i_hadnt_opted_out/)</p>
<p>Oh, yeah…and then people start attacking her in the comments. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>If the author of the article wasn’t divorced, she wouldn’t be writing this article. It’s only her current economic crisis which spurred this on. If she had kept working, stayed married and left her kids to daycare it would be an article about how she missed her kid’s childhood and let someone else raise her kids. So sorry we don’t have crystal balls–that’s what financial planning is for.</p>
<p>I think the message of the article is pretty important. Life is usually much more difficult than we think it will/should be when we are younger. I’m not sure what the right prescription is. Certainly hiring nannies or putting your kid in day care has its own set of monetary and non-monetary costs.</p>
<p>You’d think that being a reporter would be a type of job where you could work your way into something one article at a time, but apparently it ain’t that easy.</p>
<p>This was published almost 3 years ago. Why it suddenly getting attention now?</p>
<p>I opted out when my S was 4.5 months and only started back part time once he was in middle school with D close behind. I am grateful for the time, but would have had a tough time financially if H and I divorced. Divorce puts a huge extra financial strain on everyone. </p>
<p>These issues have been around for decades and were part of what I wrote my college SR thesis about–in 1979. I have no regrets, but it is important for women to acquire and hone relevant job skills. I have had several fascinating part time jobs since 2000, all of which contributed to the family income while allowing me to help with raising our kids and keep the household running smoothly. It’s very tough if both H and W have 60-80 hour work weeks. In most couples I know, the woman is still the main childrearer and person in charge of academics. </p>
<p>Journalism has been cutting writers for a very long time–my first legal secretary and her H were both journalism majors who went back to get law degrees which had been a good choice for them.</p>
<p>H and I might were lucky we didn’t learn some lessons the really hard way - we started our family when he was a third year doctoral student back in 1986 - it didn’t pay much (we were way below poverty level). I had quit my job (which didn’t pay all that great) to get some experience (via volunteering) in non-profit PR, when I got pregnant. So I never really went back to work; I picked up some odd jobs here and there… doing part-time day care in our very small apartment and selling Discovery Toys - nothing that required us to pay someone else to watch our daughter. H decided to do a post-doc, and we had D2 during that time… a bit more money coming in, but we didn’t have family/student subsidized housing to live in, so it was more expensive. When H got his first real job and we relocated once again, we decided I’d stay at home. From the very beginning on, we learned to live on a very meager subsistence. I think that was the key to our financial success - we didn’t expect to move into a 2500-square foot house as our first house. We didn’t take lavish vacations; in fact, our only travel for most years was to visit family. Never had to buy formula since both girls were nursed beyond a year; I made all the baby food we needed, and I often picked up clothes at garage sales (thankfully they had two doting grandmothers who loved to send them really nice clothing, too). Our biggest expense was probably diapers. We didn’t even have a playpen. I even qualified (as well as our Ds after they were born) for WIC, we were so poor, until H got his first job. </p>
<p>As the kids got older, I went back to school, and eventually took a part-time paying job while they were still home. I’ve never for a second regretted what we did. When I did work (I am semi-retired now), my salary couldn’t compare to H’s, so it’s not like it provided a cushion that we otherwise might not have had. I do think the key to our positive financial success right now is that we were patient with things to come in life (obviously except for having our kids at a younger age)</p>
<p>I do agree with gouf78 that the author is only writing this because of the divorce and the financial consequences of that. I don’t dismiss that there is a discrepancy between what men and women earn; but she made a choice to not work full-time and now is upset because she’s not making what her H makes. I would say the same about anyone who chooses to take a break in their career to tend to family needs, whether that’s a male or female; you can’t take a break then attempt to go back to work and earn what your peers who didn’t take that break, are earning.</p>
<p>psych_ - yea, I noticed that, too!</p>
<p>I was a latchkey child. Before we got married I told Mr. Ellebud that if I had to work outside the house I wasn’t going to have children. Perhaps because my parents didn’t think things through I was the 6 year old who walked to school alone, was sick alone and took th bus alone…at 6.</p>
<p>We were, as a couple, very fortunate. Mr. Ellebud made enough money for us to have a home, a housekeeper, and a very nice lifestyle. There were times when we didn’t do certain things…but we were really fine.</p>
<p>My life healthwise would have truly precluded me from working starting 30 years ago. But I have looked back and have though woulda/couldah/shouldah…</p>
<p>We are lucky. I know it. Have I told my daughters what they should do? Absolutely not.</p>
deleted for privacy reasons
<p>*Now I lie awake at 3 a.m., terrified that as a result I am permanently financially screwed.</p>
<p>As of my divorce last year, I’m the single mother of two almost-men whose taste for playgrounds has been replaced by one for high-end consumer products and who will be, in a few more nanoseconds, ready for college. My income — freelance writing, child support, a couple of menial part-time jobs — doesn’t cover my current expenses, let alone my retirement or the kids’ tuition. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of two teenagers must be in want of a steady paycheck and employer-sponsored health insurance.*</p>
<p>This story could be written by thousands, probably millions, of women. It’s hard to financially plan for a divorce when you’re a SAHM. Presumably, the couple expects to stay together and share the income of the working spouse. Even if there’s an agreement that the SAHParent will eventually return to work, there is usually an understanding that that income will not be comparable with what he/she’d be earning if he/she’d never have left the workforce. So, the understanding is that once the parent returns to work, the other parent’s income will still likely be the major source of support.</p>
<p>There aren’t contracts that spouses have to sign that state that the SAHParent will be supported if there is a divorce later on. Yes, some states do have a few years of Spousal Support, but for a person who has been out of the workforce for 10+ years, getting back on track is almost impossible, much less making up for lost time. </p>
<p>Some women don’t really realize the impact until Child Support stops. </p>
<p>I know that many won’t like this, but short-term spousal support is really not fair. I don’t know what the answer is. There may need to be formulas…depending on how long the parent is “at home”, how long the marriage was, how old the “at home” parent is at the time of divorce, etc. </p>
<p>Some “at home” spouses no longer have little ones at home, but the couple still prefer having one spouse at home. Imagine some 55 year old woman who hasn’t worked since she was 25 having her husband divorce her and leave her with what? A few years spousal support? That can’t be right. </p>
<p>What’s the answer?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t know but someone sent it to me last night.</p>
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<p>Three decades is a long time to not do anything income-generating. I don’t want to sound harsh but I think someone like that only has herself to blame if she expects to be able to depend on a man for her retirement years after 30 years of no paid work outside the home. A smart SAHM would at least anticipate the possibility of her circumstances changing through divorce or other unplanned events, and either do something in a volunteer capacity during the child-rearing years that could be turned into a paying job or keep her skills fresh via continuing education or other learning opportunities.</p>
<p>In California in case of divorce there is a rule called marriage of long standing. Rules of divorce change after 15 years of marriage. You are entitled to more money. And, there is a thing called prenup. I got one. My prenup says that we are a team…and in case of divorce I will be supported in the style that I have lived in. Oh, and in case of (God forbid!) death of Mr. Ellebud…life.insurance.</p>
<p>Even without a pre-nup, if you have a very good attorney and there is a lot of money. My sister got everything and then some. Took 5 years and it was very ugly. </p>
<p>Her attorney also strongly advised her to not get a job after he left and told her to keep spending what she was accustomed to spending. </p>
<p>But this advice is really only appropriate if the ex has a lot $$$.</p>
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<p>I was a latchkey kid, too. My mother always worked fulltime, not to find personal fulfillment, but to give her children more opportunities in life than she had. She was not able to go to college when she was young. After always making sure we kids were OK, she also pulled a second shift doing a disproportionate amount of housework compared to my Dad. I always felt loved and never felt neglected. She has ALWAYS been my number one hero.</p>
<p>Fast forward to my upcoming major HS reunion, I will find out if I was damaged by my mom working.</p>
<p>Lol, GMTplus7, I too grew up with a working mom who actually had a Master’s degree in an an almost exclusively (in those days) male field. She worked because she had a passion for her work. It was her salary that allowed luxuries such as foreign travel for the family - wouldn’t have been able to do it on dad’s salary alone - and college educations for five kids. None of whom are damaged, by the way :)</p>
<p>Yes, I worked throughout my children’s young years. In part because I married a man who became a college professor, so if we were to send our kids to college, a second salary was a must. In part because it never occurred to me that a working mom is somehow a lesser mom.</p>
<p>I am truly happy that your mother is your hero. Really I am. I wasn’t damaged by being a latchkey kid. I knew what I wanted, and that wasn’t it. And the other thing…I noticed that both of the last posters had siblings. I didn’t. Didn’t have aunts or uncles. </p>
<p>My mother was truly my hero. She had a challenging life. She did her best. My father did his best as well. Just a note: Everything my parents had that was special…I provided it. After Mr. Ellebud and I married, we provided their extras. One of our dearest friends, who knew me as a child said that I was the poster child for neglect. Oh well…And my mother"</p>
<p>She received her masters at 19.</p>
<p>I wish I had worked part time. It would have been a mighty struggle to find a position and childcare early on, but I would be reaping the benefits now. </p>
<p>I am one of the lucky ones. Still married,financially secure, my husband doesn’t want me to go to work when the kids leave. He is spoiled, we are spoiled, we would like to travel and enjoy life when the kids are gone. And we can!</p>
<p>I have had some little part time jobs, none in my profession, for years. I have done tons of volunteering. I do wish now that I had years of accomplishment in my field to look back on, and the ability to delve more fully into work as I have more time. My regret isn’t financial.</p>
<p>I have volunteered and worked part time about two thirds of my adult life and stayed home the other third. My working was very personally fulfilling and helped us be better able to afford travel, and sending kids to private school and private college. It has also helped me have a professional identity of my own and made Hs retirement more interesting for both of us. We travel for my meetings and he tags along and plays tourist. </p>
<p>I feel very fortunate that we are financially secure and can help our kids as much as needed, including helping them buy a place when they’re ready. I strongly feel my staying home when the kids were young and keeping my jobs part time was a great benefit to the family and my marriage. </p>
<p>We always tried to live well below our means, even when I was not working at all, and feel that significantly contributed to our financial security. Our kids said they have never felt deprived or neglected. </p>
<p>No regrets here.</p>
<p>I was told by other women, as a young woman working full time, not to work part time when I had children. Well I did. It was good at the time. I was home when they got home from school and was able to go on some field trips and participate in other events.</p>
<p>But being home when they got out of school became less important in middle and high school. Now I became a taxi driver.</p>
<p>So now kids are fully grown and my job hasn’t. I work in academics and I am not tenured and am still just a lecturer. </p>
<p>My H, meanwhile, has gone from assistant to tenured associate to full professor to assoc. dean to interim dean to assoc. provost. </p>
<p>Now I am somewhat regretting my decision for all the reasons the ladies warned me about a long time ago. Your kids grow up. They really do not need you all of the time after 6th grade. But you have a long time to live after that. If you can jump back in and get a good job, great for you. But for many, you have been surpassed.</p>