<p>I always worked full time, but it wasn’t until my D1 got to college that I forgave myself and my husband.</p>
<p>Yes, to an extent you become a taxi driver in middle and high school. However, I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d worked during that time. Goskid2 gave me a run for my money when I was there, day in, day out…</p>
<p>but yes, am somewhat regretting our decision for me to stay at home. Been checking out the job scene…dismal…I’m so out of the loop in my degree field…and also my computer skills are sub-par…</p>
<p>Three decades is a long time to not do anything income-generating. I don’t want to sound harsh but I think someone like that only has herself to blame if she expects to be able to depend on a man for her retirement years after 30 years of no paid work outside the home</p>
<p>While it may seem odd, these situations do exist. Maybe the woman hasn’t worked or works very part-time (which ends up being about the same consequence). Perhaps the working spouse works a gazillion hours a week, maybe travels a lot, or whatever, and having someone at home all/most of the time makes sense for them. For some, it can be hard to have a full-time job when the other spouse isn’t able to do anything home-related. </p>
<p>Yes, people can be hired to do some home stuff, but a person who’s been off work for 15+ years may not find a good enough paying job to justify hiring someone to do all the home stuff. </p>
<p>“depend on a man”</p>
<p>Couples often make these decisions based on what’s best for their relationship. </p>
<p>I know a SAHDad whose kids are grown. His wife is a very busy partner for a law firm. She brags that she loves that he’s home taking care of everything. I wouldn’t say he “depends on a woman,” any more than I’d say that his wife, “depends on a man”. They’re depending on each other to do what is expected for their household.</p>
<p>For lots of moms, there is no option but to work. For those with the choice, there are pros/cons to each option. </p>
<p>I was lucky. I did have a choice, and my salary was good enough salary to afford excellent child care. I have some wistful moments, but no serious regrets. Without my job, we would have been in deep trouble during DH’s year of unemployment. My company no longer has a pension plan, but my 401K balance is decent due to early years of investment .</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I feel the same way, very well put.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids, I know. The example I was referring to involved a 30-year span of time. That’s far beyond what it takes most SAHPs to raise their kids. Once the kids are teenagers and the prospect of the empty nest looms, why wouldn’t the SAH partner commit the time to do SOMETHING to prepare for the future? Volunteering, taking classes online or at a community college, working a part-time job…my point is not that there is anything wrong with being a SAHP but that it is naive to assume that divorce or other life-changing events never happen and that it will all magically work out without some foresight and planning.</p>
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<p>This is what single working parents do all the time. While we’re at work all day, nothing at all is getting done around the house. And yes, it’s hard.</p>
<p>Chiming in to reiterate sally305’s last comment. Growing up in a one-parent household, especially as the oldest child, it’s hard for me to feel bad for people who complain “it’s hard” to work full time and raise kids. My mom has been doing it for almost 18 years. And as sally305 said, it is hard. It’s easier to avoid the challenge when there are two parents. When there’s one, you have to suck it up and do it.</p>
<p>It’s all about making the best choices we can with the resources available to us. There are always trade offs and I don’t see much positive in dwelling in the “what-ifs” of life or “coulda, woulda, shoulda.” Second-guessing doesn’t really change where people are–they just need to move forward. If skills are rusty, they need to improve them and home them so they are marketable, even if it may mean going back for a certification or other training.</p>
<p>I agree, & many people need to be retrained anyway as companies downsize, health problems force you to change fields or as many people Ive met in tech are doing- changing fields not because of health problems but because their priorities have changed/ they just cant stand it anymore.
So you wont stick out as much as you think on campus.
:)</p>
<p>*Quote:
For some, it can be hard to have a full-time job when the other spouse isn’t able to do anything home-related.</p>
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This is what single working parents do all the time. While we’re at work all day, nothing at all is getting done around the house. And yes, it’s hard.
*</p>
<p>Right…but single parents aren’t doing all these things for another grown adult in the home. They’re doing it for their kids. And, hopefully, the kids are helping out age appropriately. </p>
<p>If a single-mom’s kids are beyond 8 years old and they’re not helping out around the house, someone needs to introduce her to the concept of a chore-chart. ;)</p>
<p>That said, I was really talking about situations where the kids are grown and the spouse is still at home. (in that case, single-momhood example doesn’t apply). I know very few full-time working women who wouldn’t feel very put-upon if their long-hour/traveling husbands don’t have the time to do anything at home, and the wives have to take care of everything. </p>
<p>I’m not going to judge the choices that couples make while they’re together when those choices were made because it “worked” for them, and it’s what both spouses wanted.</p>
<p>Why does it never fail? In any discussion of marriage/work/parenting/women there is ALWAYS judgement. Women are so harsh towards each other. My decisions are not your decisions. What works for one woman won’t work of another. All families are not the same. My marriage is not your marriage.</p>
<p>I think there are many, many paths that get us all to our deathbeds. The question is will you look back over your life and wish you had done it differently? Or will you be satisfied that you did the best you could at the time. Not that you did it perfectly, but that you have few regrets. And again, your regrets might not be the same as mine.</p>
<p>Of course there’s always that survey done by a hospice nurse in which people at the ends of their lives spoke about their regrets. People don’t regret not working harderat their 9-5 jobs, but a lot of them regretted not following their hearts, and not maintaining relationships. </p>
<p>Balance is a good thing. </p>
<p>Personally, I know I would look back and regret living the frazzled, hurried life my sister in law is living. Mostly because she is trying to do it all, right now: with a long commute, a house in the burbs and two young kids who are involved in many, many after school, evening and weekend activities. She is killing herself, but is too busy to notice. I’m not judging her for her decisions, I’m saying I personally would be hating life if I was trying to live that way. I personally went a different route, which allows us to breathe a bit, and slow down a bit, but also means we have less money coming in. And it is quite possible that my SIL would be driven crazy if forced to live my slower life. She diesn’t seem to be wired for any speed other than 80MPH, all the time, interrupted by a week here and there of flat-on-her-back-sick-as-a-dog time at home.</p>
<p>Not judging, just saying her life is not for me, and my life is not for her.(Mom2college, we cross posted. My remarks are general, and not directed towards your post.)</p>
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<p>I understand. I guess my point is that people (generally women) in this position should protect themselves. It’s no surprise that divorce happens, often after the kids are out of the house. Death happens, too. I think for a person’s sense of self-worth it’s a good idea to become good at something that can be done for money, whether or not the person is currently getting paid for that skill/task. Who wants to feel as if the rug has been pulled out from her in mid-life, and not have a plan? I have known people who have been blindsided by this and I wish for their sakes they had at least anticipated the unimaginable.</p>
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<p>Completely agree. And I certainly wish there were more options for people to follow their hearts outside the 9-5 (really, 8-6) working world and be able to live fairly comfortably doing it.</p>
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<p>This is key. I was a SAHM for 12 years and only returned to work when my son was driving. However, during those 12 years I went back and got a master’s degree. I kept up with technology and my computer skills. I worked part-time for a while (doing financial analysis work), etc. When I was ready to go back in the workforce, I was lucky in that I had a good reputation with my former employer and I had skills that are in high demand. I had multiple job offers.</p>
<p>I have zero regrets about being a SAHM. I am just not the type of person who can juggle multiple high priority tasks well. However, I made sure that my degrees were marketable and my skills were up to date. I’ve seen many women successfully re-enter the workforce but you really do need skills that are in demand. The woman in the article was a reporter. She could have kept writing on the side while being a SAHM. She could have realized that with the internet, many traditional forms of journalism have faded away and took a few seminars about new forms of journalism, etc, etc. Because of technology, lots of jobs have changed in the last decade. </p>
<p>One thing of paramount importance is to make sure that as a couple you save as much money as possible. In a divorce, it is true that the working spouse will generally end up with a higher salary but money that has been put away for retirement, savings, etc. almost always gets split evenly as do the bills. One way women can protect themselves is to not accumulate debt in the marriage and save as much money as possible.</p>
<p>Lastly, I would add that choices always involve trade-offs. Looking backward in regret only ends up making one bitter. All SAHM’s know the risk. There are ways to minimize that risk - I think that is the part that many SAHMs overlook. AND it’s not just about divorce. I have seen many women financially ruined when their husband dies unexpectedly. You really need to prepare for all possible scenarios.</p>
<p>eastcoast, thank you for that post, it’s perfect…</p>
<p>as a 50-something who makes 18% of what DH makes ( I was a SAHM for many years, and i work in education) our biggest worry is that he will die in the next decade and I will become destitute! seriously, it weighs on us, but those are choices we made and we can’t unmake them. And probably wouldn’t. But I have many widowed friends, who are working several jobs, selling their homes, cars, etc to avoid becoming a burden to their newly-graduated children.</p>
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<p>This is why we took out a million dollar life insurance policy for H when the kids were little.</p>
<p>
According to researchers, women are evolutionarily predisposed to being b1tchy to each other:
[The</a> Evolution of *****iness - Olga Khazan - The Atlantic](<a href=“http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/the-evolution-of-*****iness/281657/]The”>http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/the-evolution-of-*****iness/281657/)</p>
<p>I worked part-time while my kids were little; I worked full-time while my kids were a little older; I worked not at all while they were in high school; I worked part-time once they went to college. I work part-time now. </p>
<p>And what I’ve noticed is that my husband LOVES his work and will happily work ten hour days at his current job, especially if the rest of his life is well-managed. Someone has to do the kid-waking, cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping, bill-paying, lawn-mowing, etc., — or someone has to manage getting it all done. Me, I like doing all that, and I like the variety of tasks it creates, and I like the division of labor that we employ. I like my work; he likes his work. </p>
<p>DH made it clear years ago that he thought our partnership in life had made it possible for him to be successful in business. The business paperwork gives me equal ownership. I own half our house, too. I own half our stock account, have my own IRAs, too. He has life insurance and I’m the beneficiary. </p>
<p>I think it’s VERY important for women who choose to work at home, greasing the skids for their husband’s success, to have financial protections in place against death or divorce. When our children were very small, I had disability insurance to replace my work at home, because we both recognized its value.</p>
<p>Why does it never fail? In any discussion of marriage/work/parenting/women there is ALWAYS judgement. Women are so harsh towards each other. My decisions are not your decisions. What works for one woman won’t work of another. All families are not the same. My marriage is not your marriage.</p>
<p>I agree.</p>
<p>I know of a few situations where there is a spouse (usually a wife) whose employment has been sacrificed (either fully or partially) because the couple has decided that is best for the marriage/family. There is a certain amount of “trust” that exists in these situations. However, that “trust” is sometimes destroyed at the time of divorce and the “working spouse” is appalled that he/she should have to continue to support this person…and fights tooth and nail not to have to so.</p>
<p>Even when the spouse returns to work in their late 30s or 40s, they are severely handicapped.</p>