Regrets of a Stay at Home Mom

Parent Cafe
41

<p>*Quote:
I was really talking about situations where the kids are grown and the spouse is still at home.</p>

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<p>I understand. I guess my point is that people (generally women) in this position should protect themselves. It’s no surprise that divorce happens, often after the kids are out of the house. Death happens, too. I think for a person’s sense of self-worth it’s a good idea to become good at something that can be done for money, whether or not the person is currently getting paid for that skill/task. Who wants to feel as if the rug has been pulled out from her in mid-life, and not have a plan? I have known people who have been blindsided by this and I wish for their sakes they had at least anticipated the unimaginable.
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<p>Yes, death happens, too. But, for many families with a SAHP, when the bread-winner dies suddenly, the impact is not as devastating (financially) as divorce. The surviving spouse gets everything, likely there is an insurance policy, there’s no $20k+ paid out to attorneys, no splitting of assets, etc. </p>

<p>(I would imagine that many SAHP’s insist on a good life insurance policy on their spouses. It’s much easier for a SAHP to insist on life insurance than to have their spouse’s write up a contract that s/he will support them post-divorce.)</p>

42

<p>^That is exactly my point (in #40). We all know women who have foregone careers to stay home with the children…only to find their husbands suddenly leaving them for a “younger model” during a midlife crisis (or whatever). Even worse, the children’s well-being can get sacrificed when the ex starts a family with wife #2 (or is simply distracted by the new relationship) and the kids are old enough to blame one or both parents for their lives being upended. They may blame the father for leaving, but they may also blame the mom for not being prepared.</p>

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<p>"I would imagine that many SAHP’s insist on a good life insurance policy on their spouses. </p>

<p>As a SAHP, I also have a good life insurance policy, in case something happened to me and H needed to hire a housekeeper, nanny, etc… I still have it, even though my son is in college.</p>

44

<p>In today’s economy, I don’t think there’s much debate that young women should be prepared to support themselves and try to find a career that allows for the kind of life they hope to lead. It’s not always that easy and there are no guarantees. I agree that regrets are counterproductive, as there are usually “pros” associated with the cons of whatever choices were made at the time, and there are no sliding doors we can go through to see what life would have been like had we chosen the other path.</p>

<pre><code>I haven’t met any young women lately who plan to stay home the entire time to raise their kids, although I’m sure they exist- just not much in urban L.A., probably. I think of “staying home to raise kids” as a luxury of my generation. (in my 60s) Sure, it ended badly for some, but in any case, isn’t practical in today’s economy. Even if two incomes aren’t needed at the same time, no one’s job is secure these days, and it’s helpful to have the security of another working partner. It does make child rearing more difficult. It’s easy to understand why many young people are deciding not to have children.
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45

<p>My husband and I were talking about what we would do different if we could go back to 17 yrs old and move forward. I would go to a different college, but likely same major. He would major in something different. But in the today and now, I would still be doing the same thing…stay at home mom. It is a risk, but I know women who never stayed home who are unemployed. It happens. I know men who are stay at home dads. I know people who had careers in areas that have become obsolete. I know teachers who have been laid off and cannot find new jobs. There are risks everywhere.</p>

46

<p>I want to add that I do not think that most people who stay home with the kids plan on it until it happens. And we actually have more at home dads in our area than moms. Go figure. My husband would love to be at SAHM dad, but he earns way more than I ever could, so it is what it is.</p>

47

<p>This author’s life is very similar to mine. Had first child in 94 and returned to FT work…had second in 96. While in hospital with her got a call saying my Dad’s cancer had returned and he was terminal. I had spent the past 2 years as a conflicted full time working mom…his diagnosis made me realize that I didn’t want to look back on my life and regret not spending time with my kids. I resigned and spent a few years as a SAHM,then taught college classes, and have now transitioned to PT professional employment. </p>

<p>For years I really was certain I had made the right choice. But DH salary has been stagnant, S freshman year at college is costing much more than planned, and I now question whether I really did what is best for us as a family.</p>

<p>I am trying to find a FT position but it is proving quite difficult. I hate having to say no to vacations and extras. It will only get worse when D enters college in another year. So I know about regrets.</p>

48

<p>My mom worked part time while I was growing up and my dad worked full time plus part time. It didn’t make economic sense for my mom to put me in daycare and work full time (too expensive and the costs + salary would barely break even). I was a latchkey kid though after school started. After my dad’s accident and he was unable to work, my mom went full time + a few part time jobs. It was easy for her to transition to full time because her work had been begging her for years. Had she not had that job to fall back on, we would’ve lost EVERYTHING. Neither of my parents are college-educated and this happened right as the housing bubble burst and jobs began to disappear. </p>

<p>My mom would not have been happy to be a SAHM. She is far too social of a person and needs to get out of the house. She’s been out of work for a few years because of her illness and is going stir crazy. She is starting back next spring and couldn’t be happier.</p>

<p>I do think it’s important for SAHP to at least keep something active- taking courses, steadily volunteering, having a PT job, for cases like this. I hope the woman in the article got her fair share of alimony as she enabled her husband to get to where he is today. </p>

<p>I have no intention of being a SAHM. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. My fiance wants to be a SAHD. I’d like this. We’ll see how it goes.</p>

49

<p>I have done it all with my kids: stayed home full time, gone to school part time, worked full time night shift, full time day shift, now “prn,” which means I work as much or as little as I want, no benefits.</p>

<p>There have been pros and cons to every scenario.</p>

50

<p>At three in the morning I started to replay this thread in my mind. We women are our own worst enemies. We judge and make nasty assumptions on both side of the aisle. Life is about decisions. I knew, from my childhood, that I wasn’t going to reenact my childhood with my children. I also knew that we could afford to live on one salary. </p>

<p>In our circle of friends/family most of us didn’t work outside the home. But it wasn’t bonbon and soap opera time. We were the moms who volunteered in the classroom, were on charity boards and were the emergency contacts for the women who worked full time. We were the women who, when you had to fire your nanny filled in for the nanny. In our circle of working women and one stay at home dad we turned to the working women when we needed a referral or an appointment to a special doctor. </p>

<p>For us, it worked. But going back to the original premise of my comment…My mother said often “Never trust another woman. There is always an ulterior motive.” Sad, but true.</p>

51

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<p>Maybe I was just surrounded by fantastic women growing up (and now), but I don’t believe that’s true at all and, IMO, it’s a sad way to live life. Then again, I’m one of those people that trusts until I’m given a reason not to trust.</p>

52

<p>As I sit here recovering from hip replacement surgery, I am so thankful that I kept working as a teacher all these years. Not only do I have paid time off due to all the sick days I accumulated over the past 25 years, I can also go on disability retirement if it turns out that I can’t go back to work. I have until mid-February to see how things go. In any case, I will get a decent pension that can almost support my H and me. The strain of my diagnosis (Stage IV cancer) has affected him as the caregiver almost more than me as the patient. It’s a very tough situation, one you can’t predict. Sad to say, but if I were relying on my spouse for financial support right now, I would be very scared of our family’s financial future (in fact, he’s not working right now and my paycheck is our only paycheck). </p>

<p>My advice to my D is to make sure she can take care of herself. You can’t predict what will happen, and relying on a spouse to be there when that rainy day comes is risky. The world is tough- women have to be tougher. I’m not the only woman I know whose husband is having some type of career crisis- it’s just in my case it happened to coincide with a medical crisis. Here I am- with advanced cancer, still planning to go back to work, because my 52-year-old husband says scary things, such as he likes being a caregiver and doesn’t want to go back to work. Sometimes I wonder what planet he lives on. I mostly can take care of myself, even after the surgery, and it would be a lot more helpful to me to see him go off to work than to have him make me an elaborate dinner. And as mentioned earlier, I know several husbands who are fed up with their careers or want to live on boats or farms, while their wives are freaked out because they have no retirement savings, while at the same time their kids are going into med school or law school. These husbands don’t seem to be reding the same articles I am reding about how we will have to work into our 70s. Mine is ready to retire at 52 (mentally, not financially). </p>

<p>So do I regret having worked when my D was small? Not for a nanosecond. She turned out just fine and is self-supporting out of college. That being said, I am a college teacher, so I had a schedule that really worked with hers when she was growing up. If I had been in a more stressful, time-consuming career, I might be writing from a different perspective.</p>

53

<p>In my extended family, mom went back for her masters when the youngest started kindergarten (after being a SAHM for 17 years), she then proceeded to be a special ed teacher & sub until the youngest finished law school. My older sister and I were the only two females who became SAHM when our kids were little, my other sisters and sisters in law worked after their maternity leaves ended. My sister worked part-time as a tutor once the youngest of her kids started kindergarten. I have worked various part-time jobs since my kids started middle school. </p>

<p>My sisters and sisters in law still have their part-time or full-time jobs and I still have mine but my sister who was tutoring quit the full-time teaching job she was hired for and hasn’t found/been hired at another, so has gone back to tutoring. She’s wistful about the benefits the others will get, such as pensions and medical but she has had the flexibility she wanted all these years. </p>

<p>I’m grateful that our household was OK with the limited funds I was able to bring in and that I was able to catch and keep up so I could be productive even though I stopped out of the workforce for as long as I did. I’ve offered to help provide my sis with training and let her help me write grants but she prefers things as they are, I think.</p>

<p>I’ve had many supportive strong men and women in my life and rarely had any reason not to trust them, certainly not due to gender. I am grateful things worked out for our family and feel very fortunate.</p>

<p>I know that it would have been difficult providing the care and obtaining the medical attention I and my kids needed for our chronic health issues if I was working full-time as H did until he retired. My being available for him and the kids played a large role in our family functioning as smoothly as it did through challenging times.</p>

54

<p>I don’t see a lot of judgment on this thread. I see women exchanging thoughts about the decisions they made in their lives. If readers perceive these comments as judgments I think it says more about them, than the posters here. </p>

<p>As to *****iness - it’s certainly not the exclusive domain of women. Men simply do it differently.</p>

55

<p>Feel fortunate H loved his job and I encouraged him to decline promotions to toxic environments so he would continue to love his job. It worked well for him for his 44.5 years plus the extra 6 months they rehired him for. If he hadn’t loved his job, I would have tried to find a full time job I loved. </p>

<p>I do want both my kids to be able to earn income and have passions which interest them. Am hoping D will find a job she enjoys. S so far enjoys his full time and part time jobs. Am encouraging him to consider returning to get a masters degree and/or credential in project management.</p>

56

<p>The article is a good one in that it does point out some very real risks that a parent takes when taking a career hiatus. Many changes, many decisions have risks, and they should be laid right out there and weighed. The author, along with anyone who decides to decrease efforts, hours , focus from a job, a career, risks getting sidelined and losing out over those who keep that a focus. That is no secret or revelation. The worst case scenario should be made clear. There is also the best case. It’s up to each person in such a situation to make the decision which way to go or to mix it up even. </p>

<p>Some years ago, two of my friend’s husbands turned down major transfer offers. One involved a company relocating. Because they were well situated where they were, and did not want to move, plus both spouses worked which meant the other would have to find work with a move, they decided to take their chances. They lost out. Neither man ever found anything close to the pay, and type of job they had, and their peers who moved tended to do very well overall. Two separate storied, companies with the same outcome. But I also know those who have turned down such opportunities and done well staying put, and those who made the decision to move and it turned out to be a disaster. </p>

<p>There is always that element of chance, when one stand at crossroads and has to decide which way to go. Or to stay put. </p>

<p>I am a SAHM who has a lot of SAHMs friends. We are all pushing 60, and most of us in this group of friends whose only real connection is that I ‘m friends with them (and yes, I have friends not in this situation too, far more than in). We quit work or downsized our careers to pocket money to run the household and the take care of the kids. This group is doing pretty danged well and though many of us wish we’d kept a bit more in the loop of the work world, we don’t have any regrets. Those who are back to work due to divorce or hardships financially, are not so much sorry about the taking off the time to be housewivs, as they are about how things turned out. That the marriage failed, that husbands’ jobs failed. That is the primary regret and wish that things had been different, not that they did not work and juggle career and family during those busy years that were hectic enough without a job responsibility as well. I am ever so grateful I did not have the stress of work on top of keeping a household together and keeping up with the kids. Whether it would have affected my kids detrimentally in some way had I had a major job responsibilty is up in the air, but it would have affected my quality of life adversely every single day, as I was busy as it was with things. I’ve had to help out any number of friends who did have jobs in the picture too. I felt very sorry for them when there was that conflict, and that job was always an issue. Yes, they missed out they were stressed and they had to do more. Yes, when I had a cold or was up all night with a kid, I was able to recover with a nap during the day. Yes, I had the luxury of planning dinner and making it without the pressures of work and traffic and other things that working moms had to combat day in and out. It was a lot easier for ME. And as a result, all things equal, the kids had some things a bit easier too.</p>

<p>My good friend worked with her kids in school. Her kids are fine, doing extra well, probably better than mine. But oh, some of those days, many of them, were really tough. Permanent damage, maybe not, but when your kid is hurt and crying and wants mom, and it’s just a friend’s mom holding the fort down and you don’t get there for a long hour afterwards, it hurts. Yes, it hurt her terribly. And many days she was sick with the juggling and hassles from her two worlds, something I did not have to deal with.</p>

<p>Some of us stay at homes are now seeing the next generation struggle with this and without the choice. Two of my close friends’ daughters are the primary bread winners of their family which means they have to work for the family to have a middle/upper middle income. And yes, I feel sorry for them as they struggle with issues that seem to come up all fo the time, that were simply not issues for me as I was there. No work or job in the picture. That was just not there. So I could deal with the one issue without stress of the other. When my kid was diagnosed with leukemia, I had to rearrange my schedules, but there was no boss, no job, no coworkers to complicate matters. I could make my child and the hospital care my priority. He did not miss a single dose of anything and I was right on top of the health care, and yes, I stopped some problems because I was there. Yes, it made a differnce that I did not have a job complicating things. </p>

<p>So in the long run, who knows if things would have been better or worse, but I can tell you that it made the ride to where we are now a heck of a lot smoother that there was Mom at home to trouble shoot. </p>

<p>Ironically, I’ve had little trouble finding work; it’s fallen in my lap many times when I did not even want it but then my field is one that is looking for people, not a field like journalism where there is one living wage posiiton for hundreds of applicants. I can find a job tomorrow if I so please, though not what I’d be making had I stayed in business. So a lot of this is the choice of career one makes too. In a field where the competition is stiff, yes, that you took a lot of time off as a mom, it’s a problem. Where they need proficient workers, where there is a shortage,…not so much.</p>

57

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<p>I agree, katlia.</p>

<p>tptshorty, sending well wishes your way.</p>

58

<p>Tptshorty, I too, want to send you my well wishes. </p>

<p>Just as an aside to this article, had the writer not chosen a field where finding a job and good pay is not so difficult, it would not be such a devastation. I know many journalists who did not opt out for full time mommihood and they are struggling for work and pay these days. My son’s very gifted and talented writer friends can’t make a living wage, any more than my song and dance son who wants to be an actor. There are some professions that just have not panned out well.</p>

59

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<p>Wow. I am sorry that’s been your experience. In mine, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I am fortunate to have had many women in my life that I could and can trust. Actually, I can’t think of one that I couldn’t.</p>

60

<p>Yeah, I don’t agree with that either. But I do agree with bevhills’ statement about how SAHPs help working parents and others in the community by “filling in the gaps” at school and in EC activities. I do appreciate my fortunate SAH friends who have been able to help our family out the years. One of them even made me a “sally305 family planner” but the planning tool didn’t take. :)</p>