Regrets of a Stay at Home Mom

Parent Cafe
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<h1>174 your SIL is keeping another woman (probably a woman) employed for those three months. I see that as kind of a good thing. Maybe it’s a situation where one child off for the summer doesn’t matter. Everyone still gets the same pay.</h1>

<p>Another thought: Some children really thrive on routine. Mine did. Maybe she thinks keeping the routine is beneficial.</p>

<p>ETA: cross posted with zoosermom</p>

<p>ETA: I am definitely a mani/pedi woman given the time and money. Not the spray tan, though. At least, not yet.</p>

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<p>Zoosermom…does your D have another source for this extra money? Is she working a second job or what?</p>

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<p>Here, there is summer school and test prep after school on Saturdays. Many teachers here do those things. She teaches her own students for four hours every Saturday in her own classroom.</p>

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<p>Ironically, those elderly who have kids who are in terrible financial staits end up with them as caretakers as they need their parents’ home and social security checks to make ends meet. The upscale elderly I know tend to have made their arrangements with assisted living or some agency. It’s not a sweet heart deal ot have ones children looking after ones elderly selves either. Elder abuse and neglect is rampant. </p>

<p>I’m at home still and have both mothers here who will stay as long as I can care for them adequately without too much stress. I have help with them and the house from their funds which for now makes it easy. If they have too many needs, then into a nursing home they will have to go, or full time help if I can find it on a reliable basis. I 've known many who could not. I know how far I am willing to go with them, MIL has been in nursing homes for stints to recover from procedures. Not going to provide nursing care here is one of the lines drawn. I don’t look at this as an analogy to raising children, by the way. Not at all. A whole other thing.</p>

<p>I am glad that I stayed home and took care of the household things which gave DH flexibility and the kids/family someone who could trouble shoot and make life just a little bit easier most of the time, and a lot easier during some rough times. It was a calculated risk that if anything happened to the marriage, DH’s health, his worth on the market, that there was a cost ot having me at home. Given the number of kids we had, the nature of DH’s work, the moves that were important, the problems that arose, there was a lot of value having me there. I don’t think I could have taken much of a job, given all that was happening with so many children and the issues at hand. So, yes, my market value is diminished, but by how much, I don’t know. As a statistician who has had a teeny tiny hand in the market, it appears that if I so wanted, there is work available, but I doubt I could make a lot immediately. Teaching math is another possibility. But unless I got a toe hold in the public schoools which would have greatly compromised my ability to be at home, it’s not like I’d be much better off. </p>

<p>Ironically, my brother who is a SAHD is shocked to find out that he can make $1500 just watching other people’s kids and chauffering them to after school activiites–he has three kid from two families that pay him to do this as they work. His kids are in the same activities, and they asked him and offered him the money to just take them with my niece and nephew. I always took kids for free but needed payback in hours and help. He’s getting the cash. </p>

<p>Talk about stereotypical roles. Though he is the SAHD who does the meals, house cleaning, driving the kids, the financials, he also takes in the cars, does the handyman work–they own a rental and he deals with that 99.99%, all of the lawn wor, and those where things he did when he worked as well, and it’s what the males in his neighborhood do, not the females as a rule. He does most of it all himself which saves a lot of money in terms of lawn bills, repair bills, etc. But he also is the school parent as my SIL works at least 60 hours a week, often more.</p>

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<p>Sounds like your brother easily works that many hours as well.</p>

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<p>“I was specifically talking about only those situations where the stay at home spouse has helped make it possible for the “working” spouse to have the dream job.”</p>

<p>In my experience, that’s close to 100% of “dream job” holders with children. If we’re talking about upper-middle-class dream jobs like chief of surgery, CFO, university dean, law partner, etc., the overwhelming majority of those folks either have no kids or have a spouse who did most of the heavy lifting. I hope that in another generation, that won’t be true, but very few 2013 leaders reached those heights while rushing to pick up the sick kid from school and so on.</p>

<p>The #1 takeaway from the article is that when a professional family is making the cost-benefit calculation about a SAH plan, they need to take into account the risk of future divorce and the long-term economic cost of the career pause. Too many women (yes, it’s women) are staying home without a full appreciation of the expense over decades. Of course, many parents making the fully informed calculation will still decide to stay home or work part time, which is fine. They just need to make that call with the understanding that the salary-vs.-daycare balance shouldn’t be a one- or five-year calculation, but a 40-year calculation.</p>

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<p>zoosermom makes a very good point here. Most daycare placements aren’t going to allow opt out and opt back in situations to accommodate a teacher’s schedule. There is also the issue of continuity and routine which may be important for some kids. I know several teachers who follow the school year daycare routine through the summer months with some adjustments, e.g., fewer days per week or fewer hours per day, and, of course, vacation time off. It’s not always simply a case of the moms just not wanting to spend time with their kids.</p>

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<p>This goes to show that it is all easy it is to generalize. What I meant to say is that the likelihood is that there are many women out there who do not see the longer range picture, even though many of us did and do. </p>

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<p>Exactly.</p>

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<p>*Quote:
If you need to have daycare for part of the year, you need to have a spot all of the year. Anyone who gives up the spot for three months will be looking for a new one every year.
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<p>I know that. My SIL’s daycare didn’t have a problem with this issue. They actually liked the fact that some kids “disappear” for a few months because that makes it easier for the daycare to schedule its own employees’ vacations…(helps keep the legal adult to child ratios). For those teachers using that option, they paid a small monthly fee and signed something that they would be returning full-time in the fall (maybe would lose a month’s payment if they didn’t return or something…I can’t remember those exact details for penalty).</p>

<p>That said, I do know of situations where teachers did have to pay in full (or pay half) for summer time to keep their spots. Those teachers did what you’re saying…use it for a couple days each week on chore days or shopping days or “meet with friends” days. They didn’t use it M-F from sun-up to sun-down. lol</p>

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I worked with a woman who was very senior at our company, she had 4 kids and she had 3 nannies because two older kids shared one. She would volunteer to go on school trips where she would have her driver take her to school and drive her back to work after few hours. Few times when I asked why she looked tired (assumed she was working on a big project), she said she was baking or making home made play dough. Her office was filled with photographs of her kids, all taken by herself. I think she was one of the people who really enjoyed her work and being a mom, and it was hard for her to give up either. From what I gathered, her husband was also very busy with his work.</p>

<p>When my sister decided to back to her law practice full time, she hired a housekeeper and a cook. My BIL was not much of a help around the house, other than doing dishes after each meal. Now that kids are out of the house, she still has the housekeeper.</p>

<p>In this country, only very high paying jobs could allow people to afford domestic help so both parents could work outside of home. In some other regions, like Far East, where it is cheaper to hire domestic help, women actually have more options. They could choose to stay home or work outside and not have to worry as much about childcare. In order for us to have more options, we need more available child care services and better maternity benefits, until then it will always be a big sacrifice for a parent.</p>

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<p>"In this country, only very high paying jobs could allow people to afford domestic help so both parents could work outside of home. In some other regions, like Far East, where it is cheaper to hire domestic help, women actually have more options. They could choose to stay home or work outside and not have to worry as much about childcare. In order for us to have more options, we need more available child care services and better maternity benefits, until then it will always be a big sacrifice for a parent. "</p>

<p>All well and good for those on the side of being able to pay for the help. Then we have the help, who have families too, you know.</p>

<p>As for daycare, my friend’s daughter is having it rough financially now because she just got her daughter into a very nice situation in terms of nursery/daycare/school. Loves it. Then she had another child. If she pulls the toddler out of daycare, she has to get back in line and reapply. If she leaves her in there, the next one is pretty much an ********* due to sibling preference policies at a reduced sibling price, but they do not take infants. So she has to pay daycare for her daughter and someone for the baby too untill he comes of age. It’s a hefty sum. I did pretty much the same when I worked and had two kids and sent one to preschool whlle pregnant with the second. To get him in the program most convenient and considered the best, had to apply at age 2 for age 3 entry point. TO keep the wonderful baby sitter/housekeeper I had, I had to pay for her full time when we really did not need to have her daily on a full time basis, for the time until I had the second child and then needed both. I don’t know how much money I cleared those days, and i don’t know if my friends daughter is clearing all that much either.</p>

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<p>I could think of plenty of things to fill my time if I were not working and had a housekeeper / nanny fulltime. And things of more substance than manicures and pedicures. </p>

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<p>You might not be aware, but she might have had to have paid to have kept that slot, otherwise it would have “disappeared.” Or, if she had a private daycare setting, she couldn’t just pull the kid out and then put him in again – that’s someone else’s livelihood. That’s like saying if I go on vacation and take the kids, I shouldn’t pay my housekeeper because no one’s home to make a mess. Well, no - it’s still her livelihood and she needs a paycheck.</p>

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In this country, only very high paying jobs could allow people to afford domestic help so both parents could work outside of home. In some other regions, like Far East, where it is cheaper to hire domestic help, women actually have more options. [/qute]</p>

<p>Fully agree. We had the same housekeeper / nanny since my kids were little - no revolving door here – 20 years. I don’t “need” her any more now that my kids are older but what am I going to do, toss someone out in the cold and tell her at age 60, go find a new job? She can stay with us and do as little or much as she pleases as far as I’m concerned. So she does light housekeeping and lets the dog out. I’m fine with that.</p>

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<p>It’s not just women who don’t see it.</p>

<p>I chose to work only part-time, on a freelance basis, throughout the years when my husband and I were raising our children. To my husband’s great credit, he managed his career so skillfully that my diminished income during those years was not a problem. But there were long-term consequences that he did not anticipate. </p>

<p>I got a full-time job when my youngest went away to college. I realized that my long period on the mommy track would mean that I would end up in a relatively low-paying job, and that’s exactly what happened. My husband, on the other hand, expected me to get the kind of job I would have gotten if I had stayed in the workforce full time for all those years. He feels that I’m not pulling my weight in our marriage now because I don’t earn my “share” of the household income, and that’s a problem.</p>

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<p>Sorry to hear that Marian. That kind of thing would drive me nuts.</p>

<p>We kept our nanny, the same one. I had revolving door housekeepers, for some reason.</p>

<p>When the kids were older, the nanny morphed into our housekeeper. She moved with us, and brought her husband along. Our landscapers hired him, so that was really fortuitous for them.</p>

<p>She runs our house, does the shopping, whatnot. She’s my age. I hardly expect her to go find another “job.” I have plenty to do around here, anyway.</p>

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<p>Marian: I’m so sorry you find yourself in the situation you describe.</p>

<p>I’m glad to read poetgrl and pizzagirl are keeping on the nanny/housekeepers even after the kids are grown and they aren’t needed in the same way they were earlier. I am glad my husband’s keeping me on even though my work load is considerably less in recent years.</p>

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<p>Just to clear up a very common misperception, Pizzagirl, teachers are paid for the nine or ten or (mostly administrators) twelve months of work that is stipulated in their contracts. They do not get summers off. They are not contracted to work those months. Many teachers choose to have their nine months of pay spread out through twelve months to make financial planning easier, but not every teacher chooses that.</p>

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<p>The really great thing, Alh, and the reason they moved, I think, is that their kids will get to go to the NC colleges for instate cost when they start to graduate high school in several years.</p>

<p>All three of them are staggeringly bright and hard working and very excited about this, as am I, for them.</p>

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<p>It’s just plain financially scary nowadays for the ENTIRE family, to maintain a SAH parent situation. I know several SAHM friends/family who were sh**ing bricks when their working husbands were between jobs.</p>

<p>Advice to daughters has already been discussed in this thread. My advice to my sons has been: marry a woman who works.</p>

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<p>Don’t most all women work when they first get married and before the babies come? A lot more advice than that is needed if children are in the picture.
How to find and afford day care with two working parents is much more difficult than “marrying a woman who works.”</p>

<p>I’d advise my sons to be sure to take on equal responsibility for the day to day raising of the children, if they marry a woman who works. Equal for the day to day. Much easier said than done if you also are trying to make it on a fast career track.<br>
These kinds of things should definitely be talked about. Maybe the “high career track” is something sons are willing to forgo when their spouse also works?</p>